toddlers say the strangest things

[Samcro]

ok i don't have a toddler(mine are adults) but everything is so gloomy and dh has put his back out.....so I need a fun thread to read and I LOVE reading the stuff toddlers come out with....so please please share with me(no age limit, to silly stuff)

Something I heard from a little boy years ago. There was a women's running club running the same direction as him on the prom. He was running in front of them screaming "DAAAAD, STAMPEDE"

My SIX year old at the zoo "mummy look, it's licking its vagina, its VAGINA! LOOK!" the looks from those around us 😂

While trying on a pair of shoes in a shop the other day DD (2) got very upset, insisted I take them off as they "are not yours mummy, put on your shoes".

Me and DP took my niece to the zoo and we were at the Barbary Ape enclosure. There was one ape sitting near the fencing. Without any shame he started having a wank, ejaculated and licked his fingers. It was over in a split second and we were too slow fascinated to shield my 4year old niece from this smut.

Another family came over and said about the ape "isn't he cute". I replied, "he wasn't a minute ago" to which my niece piped up "no, he was eating his willy".

My niece told everyone about it and whenever Folly Farm is mentioned now she brings up that flaming ape and his party piece.

"Stop jumping on the bed."
"We not jumping, we tapping it with our feet."

Also when I was heavily pregnant and DD1 was 4 I made the mistake of saying I was uncomfy...
"You're going to be very uncomfy when a baby comes out your BAJINA"

They've never really embarrassed me in public, maybe I just have a high threshold as they never shut up so I'm sure there's something!

I love these threads too - not having crotch fruit of my own, this is like all hte good bits iwthout the poo and puke!

Dear Sister.. aged about 6.. a very long time ago..

Some friends of our parents were due to visit us at our holiday cottage, they were bringing their two children who are around teh same age as us (then 6 and 8)..

DS had a 'thing' at the time about not being a wimp, in particular she was exceedingly proud of not being a wimp (which basically meant my DF encouraged her in her generally reckless, fearless behaviour and shed climb up anything, fling herself off stuff, abseil, ski, whatever..)..

She spent all morning pestering DP's about these children she had never met before..

'But will they be wimps? I won't like them if they are wimps?''

This went on for long enough to recieve the finally irritated and somewhat sarcastic answers of 'well why don't you find out' and even more foolishly ' just bloody ask them then'...

They eventually arrived and are still hauling themselves out of the car when the little ratbag marches over and asks ...

'ARE YOUR CHILDREN WIMPS?"

and when that didn't get a convincing answer, spent the afternoon attempting to prove they were (and everyone else attempting to thwart her evil plans!!).

This ones a friend's dear niece...

For some reason this small person of around 4 thought I was the bees-knees, as small people do because I tend to talk to them like grown ups rather than kids and I don't tell lies (ha because I don't have to live with the fall out!)..

Anyway one day I phoned friend and she was at her parents house and her sister and her DN were there - I can hear down the phone..

'Aunty X, who you on phone too?
"Im talking to WiddlinDiddlin... '
'Oh I love her, is that the WiddlinDiddlin that GRANDMA SAYS IS A WAZZOCK?'...

*much groaning and 'DN NOOOOO' from distant side of room.

Peed myself laughing (friends mum was right, back then, I was a wazzock!).

My almost 4yo DD told my MIL that she's going to get married 5 times.

DD is potty training and wearing Big Girl underwear. She will gladly show off said underwear. She wants to go visit Grandma and Grandpa and show them her underwear. She does NOT understand why I find this so funny.

DD used to think that babies were made when someone ate a lot and got a big tummy.

Not a toddler but...

I wore lipstick when we went out tonight - unusual for me, but I fancied a slightly different look.

DD came into my room as I was finishing up and gasped "mummy you look so pretty. Like a clown, but a pretty clown"

When DS1 was 3 I he bolted in Sainsbury's but as I was pregnant I was in slower persuit that normal. He was stopped by a member of staff so I took his hand and thanked the lady, at which point he looked at me terrified and shouted, "stranger. Not my mum. Stranger." The lady re-took his hand hesitantly and clearly wasn't sure not to do whilst I pleaded with DS to stop messing around. When another staff member came over and she explained what he had said, he pulled his hand away from her, wrapped himself around my leg and said, "stranger. Not my mum" whilst pointing at the first Sainsbo's employee, her colleague looked at her like she must be hard of brain!

Not sure if this is funny or terrifying but my 3 year old looked at me yesterday and said "I am not as big as you yet mummy. When I am grown up I will be bigger than you and Daddy. Then I will eat you! " . I said "eat me and Daddy?" And he said " just you. Then spit you out".

As my 1 month old sleeps on my chest (I afraid she'll wake up if I put her down), I'm so excited for all of the funny moments well have love these stories!

My 2 year old decided lidl was the perfect place to start shouting "mummy, you don't have a willy?? Where's your willy gone? Did it get lost? Daddy has a really big willy"

Widdlin your sister the wimp-finder wasn't funny, she was a bully!

timelytess thanks for killing the thread.

Rinceoir Sun 17-Jul-16 01:36:37
While trying on a pair of shoes in a shop the other day DD (2) got very upset, insisted I take them off as they "are not yours mummy, put on your shoes".

he he honest at least

I want to know how WiddlinDiddlin's post ended up saying "crotch fruit"! Was it supposed to be children? Or toddlers? Very odd image either way- assume a crotch fruit is a banana or a fig, depending on whether you are male or female

smileygrapefruit that had me in stitches!

dragon I think WiddlinDiddlin intentionally referred to children as 'crotch fruit' - I don't think it autocorrected!

Been out all afternoon in the sun running around, climbing things like young kids do and on the walk home they stopped walking and I got told "My legs wont work anymore!"

Same child playing wrestling on the floor with my brother realised he was pinned down and unable to win.
"Stop or Ill call my mummy" Brother- She wont help you
"Yes she will coz Im mummys little Blue eyed boy!"

My ds used to say the moon has got his nappy on, when there was a half moon! Used to call dh dadith, and me mumith. Allways used to walk around with one leg of his pajamas rolled up to his knee, no idea why, loved to walk around with one of my bras on his head, like a hat.
When he was 4 we went to visit my great aunt who was a nun. He loved his football, some of the younger nuns, by that I mean around 60, said Lets kick the ball around, to which my ds said, " I can't play football with a penguins ". The nuns all laughed and they did kick the ball around. We have some brilliant photos of ds & lots of nuns kicking the ball around.

Ahh I bet the nuns had a brilliant afternoon!

It's been very hot here today and my 2 yr old niece came in from the garden announcing, 'I'm a ball of sweat!'

When DD first learned to say "clock", it sounded more like "cock". Of course, she loved clocks and loved pointing them out...

According to my 2yo, dad is a butterfly and I'm a strong man.