To prioritise happiness over education?

[Vanillafox]

My DD didn't get into our first choice primary school. It's an outstanding school, great technology, very sought after. Instead she was offered a place at the school where she goes to nursery. This school is OK. It's too religious for my liking (as an atheist) and has an average academic record, high percentage of SEN. She will be in a classroom shared with 59 other children! It's 5 mins from my door though so convenient. To cut a long story short, DD is super excited about starting there. Her best friend from nursery is going, she knows the teachers and the environment. She's had a trial day that she loved and her teacher did a home visit and seemed great. DD can't wait for Sept.

This morning we got a call from our first choice school offering DD a place. We only have 4 days to make up our minds. It's further away, she'll know no-one and is an unfamiliar environment. But as I mentioned, it's a far better school with far more opportunities.

My DH thinks it's a no-brainier and that her education should take priority. He says she'll get over leaving her friends quickly. I'm not so sure. I think she'll be heartbroken and may struggle to settle at the new school.

What would you do?!!! I'm completely 50/50 and would love to hear your views...

You can always be happy, because happiness is home-made. You cannot always be educated and it is a lot harder to catch up in later life, if you were denied the opportunity at a young age.

Oh ffs- she is not being "denied a good education!"

And anyway how good an education are you going to get if you're not happy? When you're 4? A good start in the early years is crucial.

Surely she's been to the settling in days at the school, nursery teachers been preparing her for it etc.

My daughter wouldn't cope with the change brilliantly. I would to move closer to home bit not for a superficially better school/less sen!!

Yes Mov1ing If by 'better' school the op means one that has a high Ofsted rating, then (I think someone upthread said this) that sometimes depends on how many children in the school have parents who can afford to pay for private tuition. Because ATM a lot of state schools haven't the means to give their pupils one to one help.

IME (having made the choice to go for the (on paper) "best" school, and after a couple of years realising it hadn't been the best decision for our whole family and moving the (basically happy, and reluctant to move) child in question), I'd think very carefully about not using your local school where your child has established friendships. The benefits of a "better" (in reality this turned out to be arguable, anyway) school for us did not outweigh the disadvantages of not having local friends, having a bit of a commute (rather than being able to walk), and having more community involvement. This became more of an issue as my younger children came up to school age and were vocal about hating always being in the car and wanting to go to school with friends nearby.

There is also no guarantee that your child will prefer the better school - lots depends on the dynamics of a year group, and if you know this one works well for her you should bear that in mind. Unless the school is dire, happy children with supportive parents should learn just fine.

Also - re the ten minutes drive, can you test it out at school pick up / drop off times? My "ten minute" drive to a better school took, in reality, around 30-40 minutes each morning and afternoon, because parking was a nightmare. So we'd drive, park, walk in, get sidetracked talking to other parents... DCs 2 & 3 and I were spending over an hour a day in DC1's school run - too much!!

Local school all the way . It won't be a ten minute drive as out side your house will busy with carsome for local school so you will have go earlier. Then you won't be able to park outside your house and the for after noon pick you will have pick earlier to get out of your hours and then find a space a new school. You will be spending at least a hour day . Where it will half hour if that at local school.

Ours is an 8 minute
drive and it's easy to park. Our local is rubbish and wouldn't suit

It's not a crqppy school. They are both good schools

Bullshit, if one wasn't much better than the other the OP wouldn't be asking.

User, The Incredible Psychic Mumsnetter!

Id go with your dh's view of going for your first choice school. There must have been reasons for both of you to think of that school as a better school (no need to explain to us here).

Also in a class of 60, will she actually
Be with her friends from nursery? Wouldn't they split them up into tables or 2 rooms or something similar?

My dd's in reception and when she was in nursery, her best friend was 6weeks older and born in August so left to start year R. Dd was bereft. Thankfully hung on and is in the same school as bestie now and although in different years, see each other quite often. Play dates, birthday parties, drop offs and they are still v v close. Other little girls in her nursery have gone to different schools and frankly she doesn't remember them anymore. I'm still v good friends with these mothers but the little ones don't even seem to recognise each other.

Dd has a new bestie in her reception class and it's a 2 form intake. They'll
Be split next academic year. Kids were asked to name a few friends they want to be with but no guarantees. Dd ended up with bestie and another from next doors class. Others that she plays with have been moved to the other class. Dd has taken it in her stride.

I'd go with the reasons why you and dh chose this school in the first place.

SoggyBeachDays Is right !

Better school every time. Now having a very happy but demotivated, lazy teenager I seriously wish we had researched schools better. When you see your averagely bright child heading for a few mediocre GCSEs at best and goodness knows what as a future 'career' it is disappointing and I think any parent would be lying if they said 'happiness' is all that counts.

Happiness doesn't pay bills. An education hopefully will when she's older....

If she doesn't burn out and then drop out in her teens because of all the high expectations orangebird.

I believe more people lives are wasted due to low expectations Ppeatfruit

It's possible of course but the government seems to think that we need to follow the tiger mother model of education which can end in tears (and sometimes suicide) I prefer realistic expectations and also stretching children not pushing them.

Also listening to and actually HEARING them.

A child of nursery age may not even BE friends with the same child next term! You'd be nuts to turn the outstanding school down on the basis of a 4 year old's opinion.

I very much doubt her life will be wasted through lack of education, simply by not attending an outstanding primary school. Neither is she going to be unhappy if she does attend this school. I would have another more critical look at the school when dd attends the trial session. Last time you saw it, it was the 'go to' school and you had nothing to lose by putting it as your first choice. This time you do have something to lose, so if it still seems perfect, I would go for it. Dont just concentrate on reception but higher up the school as well. Also try the drive at the time you would be travelling to ensure it really is only ten minutes. Finally, how religious is the church school as this can vary quite a bit.

59 children in a class? No way would I send her to that school if I had a choice. 1st school sounds much better, your dd is 4, her education is most important and you are the parents. I don't believe it'll serious hurt her happiness; it'll take some adjustments but she'll soon mix in and make some friends and children are very adaptable. There's a time when to consider a 4 year olds opinion, but primary schools isn't one - you're the parent. Your dd will be happy wherever she goes. You have to decide which you want, but don't think your dd won't be happy in the other school - she'll adapt wherever she goes.

Good luck with your decision OP and PLEASE come back and tell us what you decide if you are able? And an update a while later once she's settled would be excellent too! Demanding aren't I?

FYI I have had this exact dilemma at secondary stage - agonised over sending DD to a school outside our catchment but thought it was academically superior to another more local school and that they'd make new friends and cope with the longer journey etc... In the end decision was taken out of our hands because my preferred school was full and even on appeal we couldn't get a place. So off to the 'less brilliant on paper, less well-resourced, uglier looking' school for DD - but she's happy as anything after the induction and is really positive about it (I don't think she liked the idea of the other school as much as we did). I'm still gutted but will have to put that emotion aside and just make sure I do my best to support my DD and 'fill in the gaps'. Not sure I am up to that job buy hey ho!

Once again good luck with whatever you decide!

In a way, it is like playing lottery. My favourite school looked academically brilliant, had fat tactic facilities but was oversubscribed, DS's favourite had a wonderful building, his friends, but poor results. Throne he ended up in has a horrible old building, was academically good and he only knew a few people.

2 years on:

• The average school has been deemed outstanding and has the best results in the city. I have never seen DS so happy in school.
• The brilliant school has become an academy and the results are going down. Parents that I know complain that it is not as good as it were and getting worse
• DS' favourite school is slowly getting better, none of those friends he was going to miss so much is studying there. The parents had told them that it was very likely they would end up there (in the catchment) but put other schools down as first choice.

placingrequest After everyone has been so kind giving me lots of food for thought, I'm more than happy to give an update!

We took DD for a trial morning on Monday and...she absolutely loved it! She was so brave - I expected her to cling to me (she'd told me the night before that she would go but wouldn't talk to anyone and would only play on her own!) but she threw herself into it and had a great time. Even at 4, she was pretty impressed with the facilities - especially the TV and recording studio - and best of all, she told me that 3 different children asked to play with her. I really underestimated her capacity to adapt that so many of you alluded to. She's sad that she won't be with her friends but she knows she will still be able to play with them after school and in the holidays.

So we're happily accepting the place at the first choice school. It was even more impressive than I remembered. I really appreciate every single poster who took the time to add to this thread - thank you!

due to house moves my son went to 2 different nurseries, 2 different pre schools and 2 different primary schools. He's only 5 bless him. It didn't phase him one bit. When we moved we didn't get into our first choice so I sent him somewhere that was not ideal but close to home, good ofsted and would be fine with him staying there. He won the appeal and 6 weeks after starting one school he was at another. He settled in so well and he probably won't remember much in the grand scheme of things

Should have read the full thread! Haha