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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise happiness over education?

185 replies

Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 20:00

My DD didn't get into our first choice primary school. It's an outstanding school, great technology, very sought after. Instead she was offered a place at the school where she goes to nursery. This school is OK. It's too religious for my liking (as an atheist) and has an average academic record, high percentage of SEN. She will be in a classroom shared with 59 other children! It's 5 mins from my door though so convenient. To cut a long story short, DD is super excited about starting there. Her best friend from nursery is going, she knows the teachers and the environment. She's had a trial day that she loved and her teacher did a home visit and seemed great. DD can't wait for Sept.

This morning we got a call from our first choice school offering DD a place. We only have 4 days to make up our minds. It's further away, she'll know no-one and is an unfamiliar environment. But as I mentioned, it's a far better school with far more opportunities.

My DH thinks it's a no-brainier and that her education should take priority. He says she'll get over leaving her friends quickly. I'm not so sure. I think she'll be heartbroken and may struggle to settle at the new school.

What would you do?!!! I'm completely 50/50 and would love to hear your views...

OP posts:
pattimayonnaise · 14/07/2016 22:25

We had a similar situation where our first choice came back to us and offered us a place. We took it and it was a good decision for us and my daughter is very happy. If they'd offered us a place this late on, having already been for induction day and my daughter having seen where she was going and who her teacher was etc, I would have kept the original place offered.
On a separate note, the school we did end up going with has an open classroom with two separate classes sharing the space and it works really well, it seems to be quite common now, all the schools we viewed did the same.

itsmine · 14/07/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 22:29

Another poster said that not going to the other school would mean she'll get a crap job when she grows up........!

Do you really think feeling let down your parents at the age of 4 might have some long term effects?

Muddlingthroughtoo · 14/07/2016 22:30

If children are happy in school, they will learn. Not all children will "make friends anywhere". We have just moved house and school and even though on paper, the other school looked better, our daughter has thrived more and her Yr 3 test results couldn't get any better. Go where your daughter is happy, when children don't like school it's an uphill battle.

MauledbytheTigers · 14/07/2016 22:30

Of course happiness is important but there's no reason why she won't be happy within a few weeks at the new school. She's choosing to be with her friends because that's presumably all she knows, she may even make better friends at the new school.

Id go with your DP. And I don't understand people saying see how your DD feels. A 4 year old isn't able to make an informed decision or understand the consequences of such a decision. That's why you need to make the decision for them.

Aside from everything else if your DP wants her to go to the better school and you're 50/50 then on balance that appears to be the school you as a couple you feel is best.

OlennasWimple · 14/07/2016 22:30

She will adapt. She will make new friends

The faith school will still be a faith school, even if it became excellent

If you are sure the commute is ok (and it's equal in terms of things like wrap around) go with your first choice

lljkk · 14/07/2016 22:49

OP hasn't said anything to make the think that the school with "Outstanding" rating actually offers a better education. So I vote local school.

Original poster
Vanillafox · 15/07/2016 09:02

Thanks for all of your thoughts - it's really helpful to see all sides. We've asked for a trial session for her next week and will see how she gets on.

Blimey! Who knew this would be so gut-wrenching?!!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 15/07/2016 09:07

Taking out the fact you know the school is highly rated with good results, how do you feel about the schools? I lived on the border of two schools when my eldest was starting school. Everyone was advising me to go to the school with the best results, he would have much better chance in 11 plus etc. I went with the other school because I liked it more, I can't give you any concrete reasons for that but it just felt right. He did well as did little brother who followed him and they both passed their 11 plus anyway.

Tough decision, good luck.

100paperclips · 15/07/2016 09:16

I'd go with the school you (mum and dad) prefer which sounds like the one you've recently been offered a place at- more because you don't like the ethos of the other school (overly religious) rather than exam results alone, which can be misleading.

At 4/5 children's friendships change all the time, I wouldn't worry too much.

Nerris · 15/07/2016 09:21

It was your first choice school for a reason, there is obviously something about it that trumps your local one. Kids fall in and out of friendships all the time, so dont base it on one friendship.
If it doesnt work out at the outstanding school after a couple of terms you could always look into moving her to your local one.

jellycat1 · 15/07/2016 09:24

I'd be choosing the better school.

PatriciaHolm · 15/07/2016 09:36

Better school.

We did this, moving DD 6 weeks into reception (though the new school was actually the nearer one to us).

She is now leaving yr6 and has had an amazing time. No worries with settling when she moved at all. At 4, friendships are extremely fluid anyway and they all mix up and make new friends. Can you keep up some of the nursery old friends outside school a bit?

You need to look at the next 7 years of her life, not the next couple of months.

myownprivateidaho · 15/07/2016 09:41

Ugh I'm having a really visceral reaction against this post for some reason. I really hope it's a troll. In case not please listen to other posters. Your dd is a tiny child and will not have a fixed attachment to this school she won't fully understand what school even is. If you manage it properly there's no reason she won't be just as happy at another school. IMO a classroom with 60 kids in it is not a recipe for child happiness and I'm suprpirsed you think it is. Finally, please, please get over the idea that there is some kind of opposition between education and happiness. There isn't. Learning is a privilege and it should be a joy and it can be if you just allow your dd to think that it is. I am so disturbed by the idea that there is a dichotomy between the two.

pinkdelight · 15/07/2016 09:43

Better school, no doubt whatsoever. So many children go to a different primary school to their nursery, it's a very natural time to move and she'll make new friends no problem. Dealing with that kind of change is important too, knowing that you can cope with it instead of staying with what sounds like the wrong decision out of fear of the unknown/potential unhappiness. I think she'll gain confidence from it rather than being scarred for life. And even if she stayed in the same place, it won't be all like the excitement she's feeling right now. Friends can move away, and all kind of tricky issues can arise at every school. The important thing is that the school is good at handling it. Outstanding doesn't just mean academics, it means the systems are there to support pupils, so whatever problems you're anticipating will most likely be better at the better school. So I agree with your DH and don't think it's a matter of happiness v education at all. I think she can have both.

Mycatsabastard · 15/07/2016 09:43

Go with the better school.

She will be fine. Four years ago I moved 500 miles with my dc and they didn't know a single child at all. Both are now thriving and have good friendship groups and are happy and settled. Your child will still see these other friends out of school and opening up a new group of friends is a good thing.

grumpysquash · 15/07/2016 09:46

myownprivateidaho

I completely agree with you. Education plus happiness is a win-win and is absolutely achievable (most of the time)!

OhHolyFuck · 15/07/2016 09:53

Absolutely the better school - who is still friends now with the same person who was their bff at 4?! Whereas a good education lasts your entire life

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/07/2016 10:06

I would go with the better school. Friendships are so fluid at this age anyway. DS2 is now going into Yr 5 and never plays with boy who was his best friend in Reception. No major falling out, they have just drifted apart as they grown. So her best friend now might not be her best friend in 6 months time even if they are in the same school.

2016Hopeful · 15/07/2016 10:10

At 4 it is up to you to make the right choices for her. If you like better school more then send her there if you are happy to drive.

Lymmmummy · 15/07/2016 10:10

I would probably go for the first choice school

However word of warning ofsted outstanding does not always mean best or best for your child - my DS is just finishing his reception year at an outstanding primary and I have to say the experience has been average at best and v poor at other times. I am wondering if the outstanding badge is more to do with school being better at pleasing ofsted than caring about the children

Lymmmummy · 15/07/2016 10:23

Just adding that at my DS outstanding school (which I could not recommend) they also do the 60 kids free flow type situation - with 2 adjoining classrooms with a shared space between the classrooms where toilets and other shared resources are - this must be fairly normal

I doubt v much any one individual class has 59 children in it so I think this issue should be put aside

Original poster
Vanillafox · 15/07/2016 10:23

myownprivateidaho Not sure whether to be insulted that you think I'm a troll or flattered that you think my problem is exciting enough 😜

I totally agree that education and happiness are not polar opposites so I'm sorry if my post title annoyed you. However, knowing my daughter, I do know that choosing the school that we feel will be better for her education WILL cause her unhappiness for a period of time, even if it turns out to be short-lived. Being so close to the issue, hearing other people's views is really useful to me.

OP posts:
dolkapots · 15/07/2016 10:24

A year ago I would definitely have said go for the better school until my own dc had issues and I had a choice of an outstanding school in a very MC area and an average one with low numbers, very high levels of children with ESL and SEN. It is in a "rough" part of town 40 minutes from my house but I actually preferred it as it suited my dd's needs more. The outstanding one was very "box ticking" in order to maintain its status and very pushy, whereas the other one had a very caring ethos. They will not prepare my dd academically the way the outstanding one will, but I felt it catered better for my dd's needs which was actually more important to me.

teacherwith2kids · 15/07/2016 10:25

I find it interesting that everyone is describing your first choice school as 'the better school'.

IS it genuinely 'better'? How is it better? How is it better FOR YOUR DAUGHTER? (Not her friendships, but her preferred way of working, her interests, her abilities)

Make a list of the ways in which each school would be better for your daughter. Think back to your visits - why could you see your daughter doing better at your first choice school than at the school she has been allocated? Look at the Ofsted reports - but ONLY if they are of similar, recent date. Oustanding schools are very rarely inspected (a local Outstanding primary has not been inspected since 2008... the criteria for being 'Outstanding' at that date were very much lower than they are now).

I do think a trial day is an excellent idea, and am really glad that you have arranged it. It will give you a chance to test the journey, stand in the playground, meet the staff, observe how your DD copes in that context.

When we moved here, DD had go to a school where she know no-one. We toured the Oustanding school .. and rejected it out of hand. Instead we chose a good school that simply felt much more child-centred and welcoming and not 'well, you're lucky to come here because we're so wonderful'. We were not remotely surprised when the Good school became Outstanding in a recent Ofsted inspection.

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