To prioritise happiness over education?

[Vanillafox]

My DD didn't get into our first choice primary school. It's an outstanding school, great technology, very sought after. Instead she was offered a place at the school where she goes to nursery. This school is OK. It's too religious for my liking (as an atheist) and has an average academic record, high percentage of SEN. She will be in a classroom shared with 59 other children! It's 5 mins from my door though so convenient. To cut a long story short, DD is super excited about starting there. Her best friend from nursery is going, she knows the teachers and the environment. She's had a trial day that she loved and her teacher did a home visit and seemed great. DD can't wait for Sept.

This morning we got a call from our first choice school offering DD a place. We only have 4 days to make up our minds. It's further away, she'll know no-one and is an unfamiliar environment. But as I mentioned, it's a far better school with far more opportunities.

My DH thinks it's a no-brainier and that her education should take priority. He says she'll get over leaving her friends quickly. I'm not so sure. I think she'll be heartbroken and may struggle to settle at the new school.

What would you do?!!! I'm completely 50/50 and would love to hear your views...

I'd go with the other school purely on the basis that you're an atheist and the current school is religious.

The data dashboard is an interesting - though 1 year out of date now - way of comparing school results. Ignore the 'absolute' results, but look at how the school performs against similar schools.

The 'Outstanding' school I mentioned has very high 'raw' results, but is in the 3rd quintile (in other words very average) compared with similar schools.

Whereas another school in a different part of town, extremely deprived intake and lots of SEN children, has 'raw' results in the 3rd, 4th and lowest quintiles, but compared with similar schools is in the highest or second quintiles for all subjects.

The comparison with similar schools is a much better measure of 'how well a school is doing based on its intake' than the raw results are, and can tell some very interesting stories!

Is 60 children in an open plan classroom really that unusual? Theres a school near me that is 2 form entry, and the whole school is open plan no class rooms at all.

I think if you really knew the first choice school was "better" then you should go with that, of course.

But in what way is it better? Because it has "outstanding?" Because it has good results? Think about why you think its better. As a parent who hasn't been involved in a school before (as I guess you are if your DD is your eldest) its easy to get distracted by statistics and hard to know what really matters in a school (or in the infants, at least - of course at secondary level the parameters shift).

It could be outstanding because the Head spends all their time focussed on the box ticking needed and have good results because its a joyless exam factory. On the hand it could be a genuinely brilliant school.

Little reception children first and foremost need a warm, kind, firm environment with plenty of time to play and not too much academic pressure.

My kids school is rated "Good", it is a small school and it is quite difficult to get rated as outstanding for very small rural schools (although we have been told we ought to consider going for it in the next round). Some years academic results look brilliant, when we have able cohort in Y2 and Y6. Other years the opposite is true - although if you look at progress you can see that huge progress has been made even by the less able academically.

But the main thing I love about the school is its open door policy, you can always go in and chat to the staff, there is a huge community feeling with almost all parents involved, and I love the fact that my kids go to school and its like one big family of teachers and everyone else's mum and dad from our village. It makes them feel very secure.

My youngest was at nursery in a prep school prior to starting YR. It was fantastic in terms of facilities, the quality of the EYFS education he got and the ex-curricular opportunities he had. And he had a flying start to reception because he was independent and knew how to behave in a quasi school setting. However it was a 15 min drive away, kids came from miles around and you didn't get the community feeling that we have at our village school. We cycle and we are there in two minutes.

If I were you I would try to think very carefully about what is important to you in a school for this stage of your DDs life, and take it from there.

The 'better' school is the one which you and your DH, having visited both and gotten a feel for the atmosphere and ethos, felt best for your DC (irrespective of OFSTED, results etc). That seems to be the first school, and nothing has since changed in either school.
What has changed is your DCs expectation - and how happy she is about it is going to depend entirely on how you 'sell' it to her. If you go in with a "I'm really sorry, but ..." approach, of course she won't be happy. The key is to make it seem exciting for her - chance to make new friends, sell whatever facilites impressed you, can still play with old friends AND the new ones etc. etc.
It's not about prioritising happiness over education. It's about trusting your instincts on what's best in the long-run for your child.

As I said- I hate the way a 4 year old's feelings are being treated as if they don't matter.

I'd stay with the school she's been in nursery at. It sounds a lot like my DCs school.

I think it is possible to acknowledge and take account of a 4 year old's feelings, while also bringing to the dilemma an adult perspective and knowledge that the 4 year old cannot have.

DD wanted to go to primary school with her pre-school friends. As the primary school in question had already produced anxiety-related selective mutism in her elder brother, and we were moving to a different town, this wasn't possible.

So we organised 'transition events' for her to properly say goodbye to her pre-school friends, we came back for quite a while to parties etc, and we 'sold' her new school to her heavily (which was the harder because she didn't get a place there until the very last couple of days of the summer term before she was due to start).

Especially given that the DD in this case is visiting the school for a trial day, I think it is entirely possible to say 'I know how excited you are about going to school, and I know that you have already had a look at school X and liked it. What you're doing today is that you're going to have a day at school Y to see what you think about it - isn't that exciting?'

Definitely the better school. She's 4, if she was 14 it'd be a different answer. At this age she doesn't get a say.

So how would you feel if you decide to stick with the current school because of her best friend, then they get offered a place at another school and accept it or move to the other side of the country?

You must have had reasons for putting the schools in the order you did when you applied. How about making a list of the pros and cons for each option and seeing how they compare on paper?

barbeasty funnily enough, her best friend is also on the waiting list for the first choice school but much further down the waiting list. I have considered the irony that if we turn down the place, the friend may eventually get offered it and DD will be stuck in the second choice school!

I'm with teacherwith2kids, and, to a degree, with Bertrand. I'm a bit surprised at the automatic equation of Ofsted 'outstanding' with 'better'.

Tbh, purely from your posts, OP, your first choice school doesn't appeal to me. Flashy facilities, polite pupils and 'forward-thinking' ethos sounds a bit hothousey and 'wannabe prep'. I don't believe that's what 4 (!) year olds need. Academics come into their own in secondary. A caring, community environment and a diverse and imaginative approach to the curriculum would count for more for me in primary, as long, of course, as the educational basics were reliably in place. I do hope you realise that the poster warning you your dc could spend her life unhappy in a crap job due to going to the less-than-outstanding primary was indulging in ridiculous hyperbole (and I was rather alarmed at her blithe asurance that a few years of unhappiness wouldn't matter).

I would, though, iiwy, have a serious think about the faith thing. If you and your dh are able to accept it, it'll be all to the good and show your child a different perspective (what some other people believe). But if it'll irk you continually, that's something to think about.

The faith thing does really bother me and my DH. We have been very open with the Head and the reception teacher about our beliefs. But I'm hoping that we can explain to DD that lots of people believe lots of different things and that when she is older and has the background, knowledge and judgement to assess each religion she can decide what she believes for herself. DH was brought up Jewish so will want to explain that to her one day. My frustration with faith schools is that they don't encourage questioning and open-mindedness. It IS a form of indoctrination but I don't think that it usurps what children are taught at home.

Lots of children go to faith schools who are from non-Christian families, simply because it'll be the only option. I don't know but I really doubt all those children come out of primary school as fervent Christians. I went to a private CofE school (which I'm not) and it really wasn't an issue at all, and there were plenty of non-CofE girls there (lots of Jewish and Hindu girls).

For me, I honestly don't think you can base the decision purely on where her current best friend is. If you feel she will be happier there for other reasons then yes stick with the one your offered, but just for a friend, I wouldn't. Friendships may not last, and can be maintained outside of school.

The only thing I have learnt from sending my children to state school is to put your children first. Always.

Their friends may move away, move to private schools or you may want them to move schools to a better primary. Don't deny this option due to friends at this age. My answer may be different if your DD was 9 but she's not.

Friendships at this age are so fluid. My child had five best friends during Infants. It is not enough of a reason to keep her in the current school. I'd bet that if her best friends parents were in your position they wouldn't hesitate to send their DD to the new school.

I had to decide something similar OP - ds's infant school was great but the junior school it fed into, not so much. I visited it but it didn't give a good vibe to me.

The other option for me was the junior school near us (the others are a bus ride away, not a problem for us as the infant school was really worth the extra effort) but where ds wouldn't know any children in his class. I had been to it before but arranged a visit to see the headteacher all the same. The feeling for this school was great.

So I did end up sending ds to the excellent junior school near us. He is obviously older than your DD, and he has autism to boot, so I've worried a bit about taking him out of a cohort he had known for years and plunking him down amongst strangers. But, to be honest, he has managed very well, even though he has social communication problems. He doesn't talk about the children he used to know, he is focused on the children he knows now.

I think really, if you've visited both schools, you'll know which one will be the best fit for your DD, regardless of what the OFSTED rating says. Your DD will soon settle in and make new friends happily.

I just think it's worth noting that we really don't know what the economy will look like in 20 years. We know education costs 10 times what it cost 10 years ago and we know there won't be pensions for your DD's generation.

Education is more important than ever. I wouldn't handicap it at 4 years old for no reason.

I would go with whichever school you prefer as a parent.

We moved away from everything my DD knew last September and she started reception in a school she'd never been to, in a town she'd only lived in for 24 hours.

Children are very adaptable and your DD will do fine in whichever school she goes to even if she walks in not knowing anyone.

If it were me, I'd choose the outstanding rated school. Jyst be really positive about it. Do you know anyone else with children going to that school? Could you arrange some play dates before September? She could still see her nursery friend to play too maybe next year? Though to be honest they may well both move on.

How is this even a question. Should you take a ten minute journey to give your kid an environment and eduction you consider to be superior....or should you not. Obviously you should.

She is 4. The vast majority of kids arrive new in lots of places. It's normal.

Parenting is full of genuinely tough decisions that you seriously mull over, you don't know what's best, you seek input from others and tie yourself in knots over what to do. This is not one of them. Sorry.

A lot can change in 7 years, schools can go down as well as up. Her life chances won't be set in stone by the time she leaves year 6! Attainment in primary school is as much to do with the parental background as what is being taught.
Go with your heart, not Ofsted.

I am the mother of 20 year old and a 15 year old. I've been there. Choose happiness every time