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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To prioritise happiness over education?

185 replies

Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 20:00

My DD didn't get into our first choice primary school. It's an outstanding school, great technology, very sought after. Instead she was offered a place at the school where she goes to nursery. This school is OK. It's too religious for my liking (as an atheist) and has an average academic record, high percentage of SEN. She will be in a classroom shared with 59 other children! It's 5 mins from my door though so convenient. To cut a long story short, DD is super excited about starting there. Her best friend from nursery is going, she knows the teachers and the environment. She's had a trial day that she loved and her teacher did a home visit and seemed great. DD can't wait for Sept.

This morning we got a call from our first choice school offering DD a place. We only have 4 days to make up our minds. It's further away, she'll know no-one and is an unfamiliar environment. But as I mentioned, it's a far better school with far more opportunities.

My DH thinks it's a no-brainier and that her education should take priority. He says she'll get over leaving her friends quickly. I'm not so sure. I think she'll be heartbroken and may struggle to settle at the new school.

What would you do?!!! I'm completely 50/50 and would love to hear your views...

OP posts:

MooMooCowFace · 15/07/2016 23:34

I'm a mother of an 19, 21, 22 and 24 year old. I'd choose the closest school every time

sashh · 16/07/2016 08:29

You can continue in education forever, you only get one childhood.

I was moved about because we moved and at one stage took a bus to the next town for school, I did have local friends but their holidays were different.

Go for happiness. Go for excited and wanting to learn and friendships.

NickiFury · 16/07/2016 08:32

Do people really have to factor in the amount of SEN when deciding on a school? How terribly inconvenient.....

TheRealAdaLovelace · 16/07/2016 08:40

yes as I have said before, go for friendships and the nearest school, every time.
'outstanding' might just mean they are good at paperwork.
As for factoring in the amount of SEN , that is just offensive, sorry.
The thought of someone not wanting a school for their child because my child was in it, what with her SEN and all, just makes me sad.

jacks11 · 16/07/2016 08:55

I'm with your DH. I don't think it has to be a choice between education and happiness- she's only 4 and so is adaptable. Yes, in the short-term she may be upset and tearful, but this will not last forever and she almost certainly will settle down. However, your first choice school sounds like it will be better for her in the long-term.

I really wouldn't be making such a big decision based on short-term upset.

itsmine · 16/07/2016 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMySonAndl · 16/07/2016 09:34

She will be sad for a few days until she makes new friends at good school. You cannot let a 4 year old take decisions that will shape her life.

You have to make the decision for her thinking in which school presents the better opportunities for her development.

If your DD has any kind of problem (dyslexia, speech, etc) the bad school may be the one with most resources and experience to help her.

But as I said, a 4 year old shouldn't be allowed to take such important decisions, that's what parents are for.

MeMySonAndl · 16/07/2016 09:37

And for what is worth, DS was extremely unhappy because he was not going to go to the same secondary school as his friends, but he was not even close to the kids he was going to miss so much months before he joined the new school. Friendship groups change all the time...

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2016 09:39

"I certainly l wouldnt be deluded and think a 4 year olds happiness rests on being with their bff of today, when they make and drop bffs daily at that age."

Neither would I. Good thing that's not what I said, isn't it?

The OP says that there isn't much to choose between the two schools, but one is nearer, and her ds is excited and happy about going there. And she has already been told that's where she's going. So she will start school happy and confident. 4 is quite old enough to feel let down if the plans change for no reason she will understand, and to say that a 4 year old's feelings should not be taken into consideration is horrible.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2016 09:40

"She will be sad for a few days until she makes new friends at good school. You cannot let a 4 year old take decisions that will shape her life. "

Ho on earth will going to one good primary school as opposed to another good primary school "shape her life"?

ginorwine · 16/07/2016 09:40

At four she will have many friendships
Go and see the ' better school ' to make sure you still think that
How Wd you feel if you lost the place there ?
Go with your gut feeling
We pulled our son out of one school to another / he was 7 and very upset - a week later so happy at new school and loved it till left .

Mov1ngOn · 16/07/2016 09:58

If the progress is fine at the local school why is having a high sen a problem? Posters are saying to choose the "good" school but nowhere had op said the local one isn't a good school!

I assume you've visited it? I'd choose the local one, kids can walk to school, play with friends nearby. Especially if she's excited about going, knows the school, etc!

ppeatfruit · 16/07/2016 10:17

I agree with Bertrand Why should a 4 yr. old's feelings be ignored? . IMO and E It depends on the child. DD1 was still remembering the colour of the front door of the house she was born in at age 8 after we had moved for 5 years. She HATED change.

Go with your DD's feelings. It won't affect her life chances at all

user1468488303 · 16/07/2016 10:25

Because she's 4, and a crappy school WILL affect her life chances. Be the parent, not a sap.

ppeatfruit · 16/07/2016 10:31

There is far too much pressure and stress involved in some schools far too early. Too much stress CAN put them off education for life very true, THAT would affect her life chances if she equates schooling with misery.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2016 10:33

"Because she's 4, and a crappy school WILL affect her life chances. Be the parent, not a sap."

It's not a crqppy school. They are both good schools.

Mov1ngOn · 16/07/2016 10:35

It's not a crappy school though is it?

Our ex head used to say of infants the main thing is that they are happy and love learning. Sounds like she'd be happy at the local one.

MeMySonAndl · 16/07/2016 10:40

Bertrand, I can assure you that it does.

Good education in the early years can make all the difference as that is the time when the brain is more receptive and brain networks are more actively developing.

Having said that, a "bad" school can be a blessing when trying to bring up to speed children who need some additional support.

There is also something else to consider with regards to the "good" school. If this school is placed in a more affluent economic setting, with highly educated parents, who are very proactive about their kids' education, the school may get the good results out of the work of the parents, not the teachers.

So this shouldn't be about what a 4 year old wants, or what school is more highly regarded, but about what is the school that suits the needs of the kid and the family better.

Friendships groups change all the time.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2016 10:42

THEY ARE BOTH GOOD SCHOOLS!!!

And a child can have a bad experience of early years education in the best school in the world if she is not happy.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 16/07/2016 10:43

I'd go for the better school 10 mins away. Ten minutes is nothing.

You can see who she already knows that will be going there and arrange to spend time with them over the summer.

Have new friends around to play as soon as she starts.

Big up any of the things she will like more about the new school.

If possible arrange for DD & her current BF to do any activity together after school/at the weekend do she knows she will definitely still see her

tell DD her BF's M&D are trying to get her into the other school too

She's 4. She'll make friends & in no time will barely remember the other school was what she wanted.

Your DH is right & you're worrying too much about what she thinks she wants. She's 4, she has no life experience to make a good decision, only a desire to be with friends & stick with the 'known'. If she sad she didn't want to go to school because her BF was still at nursery you wouldn't be having this debate with yourself.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 16/07/2016 10:47

Bertrand

You need to re-read the OP's posts. It was their first choice, they think it's better. They are the ones who have been to see both and say it's BETTER

ppeatfruit · 16/07/2016 10:48

The right teachers make a positive difference, that's true, but there are many wrong teachers and TAs in ALL schools who go in for controlling in unpleasant ways ( I speak as an ex EY teacher) and that can be traumatic for some children.

Amy214 · 16/07/2016 10:54

Its better to do it when shes young she will adapt and 'get over it' she'll make new friends in no time.

grafia123 · 16/07/2016 11:08

I would choose the better school. My ds moved to a better school in his third year at school (p3 Scotland). He said he was sad to leave his friends but seemed to forget all about them on day one at his new school. He says he much prefers the new school. I wish I had chosen the better school from day 1 rather than the local school because it was convenient and his friends were going there.

itsmine · 16/07/2016 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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