Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise happiness over education?

185 replies

Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 20:00

My DD didn't get into our first choice primary school. It's an outstanding school, great technology, very sought after. Instead she was offered a place at the school where she goes to nursery. This school is OK. It's too religious for my liking (as an atheist) and has an average academic record, high percentage of SEN. She will be in a classroom shared with 59 other children! It's 5 mins from my door though so convenient. To cut a long story short, DD is super excited about starting there. Her best friend from nursery is going, she knows the teachers and the environment. She's had a trial day that she loved and her teacher did a home visit and seemed great. DD can't wait for Sept.

This morning we got a call from our first choice school offering DD a place. We only have 4 days to make up our minds. It's further away, she'll know no-one and is an unfamiliar environment. But as I mentioned, it's a far better school with far more opportunities.

My DH thinks it's a no-brainier and that her education should take priority. He says she'll get over leaving her friends quickly. I'm not so sure. I think she'll be heartbroken and may struggle to settle at the new school.

What would you do?!!! I'm completely 50/50 and would love to hear your views...

OP posts:
Newtothis2017 · 14/07/2016 21:17

Friendships are very fluid at that age. Definitely go with the better school. My dad knew nobody going in on her first day. I was more nervous than her. She has 19 new friends now😃

Original poster
Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 21:20

Yes we've seen both schools more than once. We loved the first choice school - the facilities, the politeness of the pupils, the forward-thinking ethos.

We didn't dislike the second choice school (apart from the religious stuff) but it didn't wow us in the way the first one did.

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 14/07/2016 21:21

For what it's worth I am going to go against the grain and say I disagree with your husband.
Your dd is currently excited about moving up, excitement about learning is a key factor primary schools hope to instill in a child. I know she's only young and she'll probably bounce back if you change your mind now, but it could take a while and in that time her feelings of sadness could overshadow her enjoyment of learning, which could have longer-lasting affects.
Also, how much further away is the other school? Say it's 15 mins away, you will spend at least an hour a day dropping her off, going home, picking her up, going home. That's at least 180 hours a year, 1080 hours through the course of her primary level education. That's without having things to go back to the school in the later afternoon/evening for things like parents evenings and school plays. A school 5 mins away equates to 36 hours a year for you getting her to and fro.

Education, in my mind, is about 50% the schools responsibility and 50% the parent/s' - I would go for more quality time together, less rushing around and less stress.

Original poster
Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 21:22

newtothis - thanks for your post, that would be a wonderful scenario. Glad it's working out well for your DD!

OP posts:
Silvertap · 14/07/2016 21:23

Education every time. She's 4 - she'll be happy where she goes

corythatwas · 14/07/2016 21:25

Dc were both in open plan classrooms with two classes in each. Worked very well for them; it was a lovely school and well run.

Original poster
Vanillafox · 14/07/2016 21:25

chit - I hadn't really thought of that angle. Another good point for my swirling brain!

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 14/07/2016 21:26

Ah, I see it's only 10 mins away. Still....I would still keep her at original one, but it's a bloody tough decision. Could you talk to her about it?

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 21:28

"even if she is unhappy for a few weeks/months/years, that is nothing to a lifetime of regret if she achieves a worse job and income in the future, and is unable to get the job she would like."
She's 4 and from a supportive home and there is nothing wrong with the school she wants to go to. Being unhappy at school is the biggest block to learning there is. Send her where she thinks she's going. Being happy and excited about it will give her a flying start.

Spandexpanties · 14/07/2016 21:28

Go for the better education. She will make friends quickly. She will have more friends long term because she will have both her old friends and her new ones.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 21:29

What makes it a better education?

Spandexpanties · 14/07/2016 21:30

A great school is 100% worth a 10 minute trip in the car. It's inly 10 minutes. Not an hour.

Whatdotheclocksinthehallsay · 14/07/2016 21:36

Just to add my child goes to an outstanding school, bitterly regret it and thinking of moving him to the good school up the road. Outstanding schools do not always equal caring environments, be sure of the schools ethos as well as education

IonaNE · 14/07/2016 21:36

Go with the better school. The fact that the nearby one is religious while you are an atheist is bound to cause tension as long as she goes to that school. (This is not the most important issue - those have already been mentioned, I'm just adding this.) Also a 4-year old has no idea where she "wants" to go or where she would be happy.

Jelliebabe1 · 14/07/2016 21:47

She'll be fine! Do you even remember 4??? Choose whichever you feel is best!

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 21:50

Extraordinary how people seem to think small children's feelings don't matter. Both schools are good. She will do so much better if she's happy- and doesn't feel that he parents have gone back on something she trusted them about.

RiverTam · 14/07/2016 21:58

10 minutes drive is quite far. I think being in a local school is valuable. I do agree that her excitement at going to school is of value as well.

fryingtoday · 14/07/2016 22:01

Mine started reception in September. The first few weeks she said mummy why can't I be at school with x and y (nursery friends at nearest school). I was devastated. Then she got a new best friend at her school. All comments stopped! I have however deliberately kept up the relationships with her nursery friends - I think it's great for them to have more than one set of friends.
And now I know that choosing the better school was the right call - suggest your DH is right.

itsmine · 14/07/2016 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbleBubble00 · 14/07/2016 22:06

Have a chat with dd and she how she feels

pensivepolly · 14/07/2016 22:08

The better school, no question. She's only four, she will adjust quickly and make new friends.

CremeBrulee · 14/07/2016 22:08

I'd go with the better school. Friendships can be transient at nursery/primary age anyway.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/07/2016 22:14

The key to having a good Education though is being happy in your environment and if she's not happy in school. She's not going to flourish.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 22:17

Just because you might not be able to remember being 4, the feeling of being unhappy and let down can colour your life years down the line.

user1468488303 · 14/07/2016 22:23

If not going to the same school as your nursery friends will make you that unhappy and colour your life forever then 1}we have a LOT of people with ruined lives and 2}you've got bigger problems!