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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/07/2016 13:37

Just pointing out that her partner is not her husband.
Neither is their home in both names.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 13:49

That makes it even worse then.

So he owns a house, has a partner who lives in it who looks after his children and who he doesn't allow to work whilst she has no access to his money and has to use her savings to pay for things. Meanwhile he gets to enjoy his career and enjoy spending all his own money.

OP - if you can't see what is wrong with this set-up then he's got you right where he wants you.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/07/2016 14:09

Good god OP why posts unless you want advice?!

For what it's worth, you are not a "young couple" not that young at 27 anyway.

There may well be a reason why he's not proposed and got married yet to you (as he knows you would have more rights as a married woman, generally).

And all this rubbish about not being able to complete child benefit forms, people whom you could assume are thicker than you are, complete these forms because they have to do so. I would claim or go down that route to claim NIC.

You've just put a sticking plaster over this for now and this sort of thread really annoys me as it shows some women and men up for putting up with bad behaviour and allowing it to happen in the first place.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 14:10

I don't know why people keep on mentioning money, I do not need or want his money, he can do anything he wants with his money it's none of my business; I don't care what he does with it.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 14:33

So it doesn't bother you OP that he works and earns money for him to spend, yet he don't allow you to work but instead of financially compensating you for that he expects you to use your savings?

AyeAmarok · 17/07/2016 14:46

he can do anything he wants with his money it's none of my business; I don't care what he does with it.

Really? Because further up the thread you said that you wanted him to contribute towards a nanny but he wouldn't and you were annoyed and upset about that.

JassyRadlett · 17/07/2016 14:51

I do have control over my own life, it's just that I can not go to work I wish people would stop goading me

There are very many kind and concerned people who engage honestly from a perspective of concern for other women - it is one of the most supportive online communities I've encountered in that regard.

And those women are seeing you say, essentially 'I have control over my own life except for any aspects where my partner's attitudes and actions prevent me from having control' is not the same as 'I have control over my own life'. And they hate it, and hate seeing any woman in that situation.

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 17/07/2016 15:14

Ah, JassyRadlett, not EVERYONE can have a running away account and flit off to the states to marry a nice little man like a nut, you know.

Sorry, OP. Honestly, tell us the kind of thing you sort of wanted people to say on this thread. I think people are really trying to be kind and helpful, but it's obviously not coming across like that to you. Are you surprised by what people are saying?

I feel really bad for you, honestly, it's like everyone cracked your world open by going 'eh, not normal, sorry'. But we are right, you know, obviously your children must be at least three or four, they're not going to be traumatised if you get a part time job, you must know that, you'd think your husband must know that (esp if his mother's a judge!!!). You say the women in your family don't work after kids - do they all think you should be happy with your lot? It can have a powerful influence over you when that happens. (I should know, my mother constantly thinks I should be grateful to be well looked after and that himself changes the odd nappy. Ah, poor woman, to have been told that that was all she could expect from life.)

Flowers for you again, you'll have to stop reading the thread you know, we aren't going to start going 'well in that case, sure, def give him the house and the right to tell you what to do'.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 15:14

Writerwannabe83 I have already stated that he does pay for things he pays the childrens nursery/school fees, he pays all the bills etc.

AyeAmarok I asked him to contribute because he doesn't like me paying for things.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 15:19

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar

DC are 6 and 4

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 17/07/2016 15:24

Vairy, just 😄😄😄

Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 15:36

If the children are already in nursery why do you need a nanny? Why can't they just spend more time at nursery whilst you work and havea childminder for before and after school?

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 15:50

DS is full time DD will be starting full time in September she was in part time nursery, I didn't want a child minder I wanted a nanny to take and collect the children from school, cook for them, basically someone to take my role whilst I wasn't there

OP posts:
SecretlycrushingonTomHanks · 17/07/2016 15:50

OP I'm the same age as you and have two young DD's there is absolutely no way I would allow my DH to tell me i couldn't go out to work and he just wouldn't anyway in the same way I wouldn't tell him him he couldn't work. I find it very strange that you think it's absolutely ok for your DP to say no, just accept and then drop the matter. Relationships are all about compromise. Sounds like you just do as you're told and that's not healthy. You've explained to him you don't feel like you have to go out to work it's just that you'd like to for yourself? I could understand him maybe saying you didn't have to as he thinks you want to be a SAHM but that's clearly not the case here. There's nothing wrong with wanting to work I've worked all through being pregnant with DD's and went back when they were both 6 weeks old. I only work part time but i love it. It gives me an identity other than mum and let's me speak to other adults rather than children all day. I love my DD's to the moon and back but it's lovely to just be me as well. Anyway, could you not go to work part time once both your DC's are at school arranging a childminder as and when needed? This would mean that "strangers" would never be in your house and you wouldn't need a cleaner as you would still have time at home to do house stuff. Why doesn't he want people in your home btw? Again it isn't just his home and you should surely be entitled to a say in what happens there? Anyway, would the part time/ childminder idea work for you maybe? I do think you need to have a look at your relationship though OP as much as you like to argue otherwise it isn't normal as every other poster has pointed out to you. Not saying your DH is abusive possibly more that he's a bit selfish and/or used to getting his own way with you? Maybe time to change that.

JassyRadlett · 17/07/2016 15:51

Ok, a nanny is your preference but why is it all or nothing? Why not consider a CM or before/after clubs?

WibblyWobblyJellyHead · 17/07/2016 16:26

What would he say if you asked to be named on the deeds to the house, by the way?

PollyBanana · 17/07/2016 16:35

I think most of us realise that it's not about money.
It's about personal freedom, choice.
Your DP is making choices on your behalf, refusing to discuss what you want

Rafflesway · 17/07/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 17:12

JassyRadlett I want someone who would be very involved with the children, like a second mother.

WibblyWobblyJellyHead I have no idea and I wouldn't ask.

Rafflesway Yes you are right we are not of an English background or Caucasian DP is from an African background and I'm Black and Asian born and raised here. I guess this will explain most things.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 17/07/2016 17:19

JassyRadlett I want someone who would be very involved with the children, like a second mother

Wouldn't we all! Grin

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 18:02

Isn't that what a nanny does? Child minders don't!

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 18:13

FWIW - my childminder adored my DS and treated him amazingly well. I was in tears when I ended our contract Sad

Your children don't need a 'second mother' - they already have one.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 18:45

I am going to try and speak to him again about the idea later on tonight, maybe if I suggest we get someone from our background look after the children he might give it a second thought.

OP posts:
Dontyoulovecalpol · 17/07/2016 18:54

OP what I don't understand is why the focus on a nanny? It does seem
Inflammatory to keep going on about nannies, which he doesn't like, when really what you want is to go back to work. You have barely any work experience so you won't earn enough to pay for a nanny- and if you're intending to pay for
The nanny from your personal wealth then wait does going back to work have to do with it anyway? It's all really confusing.

You don't sound very independent. He's the boss, clearly. Sounds a bit miserable?

Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 19:12

maybe if I suggest we get someone from our background look after the children he might give it a second thought.

Does he not like ethnically White/British people then? Does he think they can't be trusted to look after his children or be in his house?

Genuine question because I didn't really understand the meaning behind your post?