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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want A Nanny

254 replies

TheyOnceSaid · 13/07/2016 22:09

I was thinking about name changing for this but then I decided not to.

The question is AIBU for wanting to hire a nanny?

I had the discussion with DP and he is against the idea, he said he doesn't want a stranger coming into our house and looking after the children and that I should be grateful that I don't have to go to work.

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend.

I want a 9-5 job, what would you do if you were in my position?

TIA Smile

OP posts:
coconutpie · 16/07/2016 20:13

How is that a spiteful comment? It's the truth!! You want a career - he won't allow you to have one! It's just fact. There's nothing spiteful about it.

And yes, your finances would change if you split - he owns the house so you would have to find somewhere else to live and fund for that and pay for all the bills he currently saves for. You may have savings but they'll run out pretty fast.

If he doesn't want a nanny because he doesn't like strangers in the house, then you tell him fine, that you'll sort out a nursery place for the DC. He is not the boss of you, YOU are the boss of you. It's one thing to be a SAHP when both parties agree on it, it is a completely different kettle of fish when the SAHP doesn't want to do that anymore.

You say he's not abusive but he actually is. He's telling you you're not allowed have a career and that you've to be a good little wifey and stay home to mind the DC. Fuck that. As somebody else said - it's 2016, not 1816.

How would you feel in 25 years if your DD came to you and said she wanted to have a career but her partner wouldn't allow it?

VairyVAIRYhungrycaterpillar · 16/07/2016 20:22

Jeez, sorry, that really wasn't meant to be spiteful at all, I'm sorry but surprised it's upset you so much. I meant it completely genuinely. If either of your children ask you 'did you want to go to work?' what will you say?

I'm really not trying to have a dig at you or your way of life, it's perfectly legitimate to want to stay at home. I'm in quite a similar position as I am highly educated and had a successful career but am currently sahm. But I want to do this, and next year I will be getting childcare and going back to work. When my children ask me, why did I stop work for a bit, I will say honestly that it is a completely valid choice for anyone to take time out, man or woman, to care for their kids for the rest of their lives should they wish to do so and be able to afford to do so. But if they want to work, to provide for their family's future or just because they want to, because they enjoy it and are fulfilled by it, that is equally valid for either or both. That's all.

I personally am excited to go back to work and resume my career, so that's what I will do. If my husband told me he didn't want that, I'd tell him to stay at home (he wouldn't want to either, we'd get good childcare). If he told me that I wasn't allowed to, or tried to control or dictate my life to me, i would leave him and divorce him, because for me, that would demonstrate he didn't really love me or respect me or see me as an equal, and none of that would be okay for me. But that's my life. You do you, as they say! But then why start this thread?

Flowers I'm sorry you thought I was being spiteful, I really didn't mean to upset you. This thread must be disconcerting to read.

PhoebeGeebee · 16/07/2016 20:30

Will you be able to work when both children are in school? Because your dissatisfaction at your life will only continue to grow. You came as far as writing on an online forum because you're so frustrated and it must have taken guts to do that.

I won't repeat what everyone else has said, although I do think they have a point, but you have to think about what will happen when your children are older and more independent. Will you have permission to do things for yourself then?

BeckyMcDonald · 16/07/2016 20:34

If he feels that strongly about not having a 'stranger' looking after his kids then why doesn't he give up work himself to look after them and you can go back to work? If it's not about the money then you clearly had enough to survive without his wage for a few years.

JassyRadlett · 16/07/2016 20:35

That really wasn't a spiteful comment, even if it does seem to have struck a nerve.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 17/07/2016 00:50

It really wasn't a spiteful comment. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has read through this thread more than once and feels bewildered by the situation described.

Sorry OP, but he sounds very selfish and controlling.

Several things you said gave me pause including haven't portrayed him in a horrible way, he would never throw us out

You sound so grateful for that. Not evicting your partner and the mother of your children is such a low bar as a measure of decency as to be pretty much flat on the ground.

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 06:15

Sorry OP, but he sounds very selfish and controlling.

Well he isn't; woman have posted on this site that their DP is physically and verbally abusive, mine isn't either of them things.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 17/07/2016 06:25

OP he has told you you are not allowed to work, therefore stopping you from having a career and limiting the amount of people you meet, and not allowing you to build up your own pension. How is that not controlling?

Phineyj · 17/07/2016 07:29

You mentioned his mum is/was a judge. She will, presumably have had a nanny. Is that perhaps where your partner's rejection of the idea comes from? His strong feelings about 'strangers' coming into his home are a little weird IMO.

Anyway, you don't have to reply to any of us nor read our comments. We are just randoms on the internet! However, I can relate to your situation. I don't 'need' to work (or not in a full time stressful job, anyway) but I enjoy it. I think I enjoy my life more than my DSis who lives off savings. My DM is an artist - she has always taken it very seriously and would definitely have got fed up just running a house. She didn't want a nanny either but she went for it as soon as we were at school.

Dozer · 17/07/2016 07:56

OP, if you don't believe MNetters and think people are being "spiteful", use your money to see a lawyer and financial adviser and see what they say about your situation.

as for the poster's "spiteful" comment about your daughter, the poster makes sense: a mother being controlled and coerced, as you clearly are, and not allowed to WoH WILL negatively affect her in many ways, for example showing her that she should acquiesce to men.

Veterinari · 17/07/2016 08:17

OP abuse is about more than just physical abd verbal attacks - it's not a hierarchy with physical assault at the top. Coercive control and emotional abuse is just as damaging - that's why it's recently been legislated against.

WA say: "If you're frightened and worried and feel like you have to give up on the things that are important to you in order to make your partner OK and to avoid his bad behaviour, that’s where the line is."

What you describe is exactly the definition of coercive control - a legally recognised form of abuse, as damaging to you and your children as other types of abuse.

You say the women in your family have always stayed at home but you wanted to break that mould and work, because it's important to you. Why does your DH get to unilaterally decide that's not your role? What kind of an example is that for your daughter? Is she going to spend her life walking on eggshells whilst daddy dictates her life too?

JassyRadlett · 17/07/2016 08:19

Op, would you be happy to see your daughter in this situation?

anxietywinsagain · 17/07/2016 08:44

I have a live out nanny. I would say it's ok. I worked too long hours for a nursery and so had to go down the nanny route, for me the pros have been that I can tell her exactly what I need doing on any given week so it's much more flexible than other forms of childcare.

They are not strangers forever and I would say the majority of people I interviewed were all normal. There were exceptions though. Go through an agency for more peace of mind and treat them well and you shouldn't have too many problems.

The downsides for me however were :
She moves my shoes constantly to places unknown so I go on a shoe treasure hunt at least once a week.(seriously annoying after a few years)
She put lots of other things in strange places and we've ended up buying things twice to just sort it out before we spend the next 5 days searching for things. Post goes walkies often (she never opens it just moves it)
I find managing her difficult when I'm annoyed at something she's done as I'm often torn between making a scene vs oh shit she's got my child this afternoon better keep it nice.
She buys stuff when out all the time that's unnecessary but I cover it because it's still really cheap stuff but I just wish she wouldn't.
When she goes we have to pay her redundancy
You should consider that you may have to pay maternity pay and other costs related to employing someone as with any other employed position and get insurance.

So as for your husband, my stbxh constantly says lets get rid of her as she's so annoying but then he has ocd so everyone's annoying to him. She's been with us for 2.5 years and I trust her completely (when she started I wouldn't even let her hold my dd I was so paranoid lol). I am trying everything in my power to keep her now I am getting divorce. I think they definitely offer the best flexibility. Good luck

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 11:25

Good morning all, could you please stop commenting on this thread please, I have made the decision to stay home I've told you all that plenty of times, I don't know why you want this thread to all continue.

I would never post anything on here again, most of you have gone of the subject and been very very nosy.

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/07/2016 11:59

theyoncesaid You can ask MNHQ to delete thread, but they don't always do so.

However threads such as these can also be of benefit to others apart from the OP.

While you might think it's ok for a woman to say one day..

I am sick and tired of being a SAHM before I had the children I used to really enjoy going to work, I am just tired of spending most of my time in the house, the only time I do get out is on the weekend, then after your DP saying NO, decide oh ok I love being a SAHM.

Another woman might read this, recognise that she is in a similar situation and realise after reading replies to your thread, that No, this is acceptable

JustHereForThePooStories · 17/07/2016 12:08

OP, much like your own life, you have no control over what people can and cannot post on here.

If you report the thread, MNHQ will delete it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/07/2016 12:12

is NOT acceptable

Original poster
TheyOnceSaid · 17/07/2016 12:20

JustHereForThePooStories

I do have control over my own life, it's just that I can not go to work I wish people would stop goading me.

OP posts:
Thefitfatty · 17/07/2016 12:24

Is it possible to work from home? Confused

I mean, ignoring all the other issues, that would seem like the obvious answer?

JessieMcJessie · 17/07/2016 12:36

Nobody is goading you. Well-meaning people are offering you advice, out of concern for you based on what you have written and the questions are not "nosy" they are people seeking to understand more about your situation so they can help more constructively. You have no obligation whatsoever to answer and are free to stop looking at the thread. As others have said, when a person starts a thread such as this it can evolve into a general discussion that may be of use to others even if the OP has got everything she wanted from it.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/07/2016 12:43

You can go to work, your husband just won't allow it to happen.

WhatDoYouThinkOfThis · 17/07/2016 12:45

In France, where I live, husbands may not legally prevent wives from working (and vice versa).

RandomMess · 17/07/2016 13:07

I'm really sad that the op will not go to work to keep the peace.

It is controlling for one person to dictate that the other cannot go out to work because they will leave if a nanny is employed to care for the DC. That isn't partnership it's dictatorship.

TheCrumpettyTree · 17/07/2016 13:17

No one is goading you op, I just don't think you like the answers you're getting and the reality of your situation. Support isn't just telling you what you want to hear.

And you haven't chosen to stay at home. You haven't been given a choice.

And I don't think anyone was being spiteful. The reality is your daughter is going to grow up watching you and your dh and how you behave. She will know daddy wouldn't let mummy work and the resentment you feel. Kids aren't daft. Do you want her to follow in your foot steps? Marry a man who doesn't let her have choices, make decisions and have opinions. That's not what I would want my for dd. And I'd be horrified if my sons turned out to be that man. Your dh is not the boss of you.