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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 10:57

yes people like that are out there as well - I think as I've gone through life I've realised very few people are always comfortable in every situation - so it's likely it not just you nervous in a room which I think I find helpful.

Yes, This!

I'll usually busy myself helping in the kitchen so I'm not in the thick of it socially, but I find when there someone who makes themselves known as "shy" I become more of a target for conversation IYKWIM, and I'm shit at it so I talk a load of fucking embarassing crap.. and the "shy" one who is allowed to avoid conversation never throws me a bone/takes a hit for the team as it were….

pictish · 14/07/2016 10:57

Oh hang on. It's me that's confused isn't it? Sorry.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 11:01

And what I meant by being irritated by someone who won't stfu, was basically someone who loves the sound of their own voice, and just talks bollocks for the sake of it

If we can say that the ones talking rubbish are shit socially because they "love it"
Then isn't that the same that the "shy" ones are just being rude cause they love watching everyone else squirm?

^ I don't think that by the way, just pointing out the unfairness laid onto those of use who are put on the spot to talk a load of embarrassing crap compaired by those who aren't and are (for some reason??) allowed to opt out where the rest of us aren't

KERALA1 · 14/07/2016 11:07

What's wrong with what I said? If some has a mental illness of course it would be totally unreasonable to feel irritated that they don't pull their weight. If they just can't be arsed and leave everyone else to make conversation in social settings then yes I would feel differently about that.

The professionally offended are out in force in this thread...

Mumble29 · 14/07/2016 11:11

Adulting, not at all what I meant sorry. I meant people who love to go on and on about themselves, everyone look at me kind of people, not people who are chatty because they are nervous or a bit embarrassed.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 11:14

Mumbles how do you know the difference?

Mumble29 · 14/07/2016 11:19

Maybe you can't then, who the fuck knows. Everyone has their issues don't they, some worse than others. I suppose we are all going to get irritated by someone who is the opposite of us at some point.

Gottagetmoving · 14/07/2016 11:22

I get irritated by shy people so I'm with the OP here. If you put yourself in a social situation you should make an effort to converse. Don't just be a body in the room.If I was OP I wouldn't waste anymore time on neice

How very understanding! Hmm

Perhaps all shy people , or anyone with social anxiety should just stay in a room alone so they don't irritate anybody?

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 11:46

It's not niece it's cousin, and I don't see why the OP's time is considered more important than the cousins. I'd just say don't chat to your cousin if you don't want to. The OP has the attitude that she is doing her cousin a favour by talking to her. The OP doesn't like talking to her cousin, the cousin doesn't seem interested, find someone else to talk to. It's a family gathering not a competitive talking competition.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 11:59

There are a shocking amount of ignorant people on this thread who clearly don't understand shyness have an empathy gene at all. It must be terrible for you to be so burdened by that.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2016 11:59

I certainly won't bother trying to socialise any more as clearly I will just irritate people.

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 12:00

I think talking about people being mentally unwell or having a mental illess is more honest and less newspeaky than talking about them having "mental health problems"
We talk about people being physically ill or unwell, we don't say they have "physical health problems".
It seems odd to me that illness and unwell have become banned words as far as psychiatric illnesses are concerned and everything is tiptoed around as a health "problem", as though if you say the word "health" often enough people won't spot that it's actually ill health or illness that is the problem.

carbed · 14/07/2016 12:07

What I don't understand are the posters who keep saying that MOST people are shy to some extent and socialising doesn't come easily but they learn to deal with it. Because although I do agree with that there's obviously another level of shyness which is what is being discussed. OP's cousin is clearly on another level. It's extremely unfair to call these people irritating because it is always crippling to some degree and NO WAY the same as regular shyness lots of people experience. Posters bringing up their own experience as if every situation is the same... baffling and pointless.

myownprivateidaho · 14/07/2016 12:09

I think the lack of empathy can go both ways though. If someone is answering in monosyllables and not offering any conversation, then you have a choice of whether to try to kindly persevere and try to include them etc, or whether to simply leave them to it and carry on the conversation around them. The former apparently risks pissing them off, since according to some people on this thread attempting to make conversation makes you a gobshite yammering air filler who deserves not to be engaged with (though personally I doubt that many people actually take that view in real life), but the latter risks just alienating the shy person and making them feel ignored and depressed. Personally when I'm feeling shy I'm grateful if someone makes the effort with me. But if i try to do the same with someone else i might be a gobshite...!

To put it another way, if someone doesn't engage, it's impossible to know whether they want to be engaged with or not, and easy to see how you could offend or upset them either way. It's not u to be irritated by that, though of course it would be u to show any irritation.

SaggyNaggy · 14/07/2016 12:11

Id rather sit in a room with 10 quiet people, saying little, than spend any time with one person who speaks endlessly and says nothing.

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 12:14

Can't you usually tell by their facial expression and body language though? OK if you have autism you may find reading people hard but it's not usually that difficult to decide if someone is quietly listening and just nervous about talking/ happy to listen and not contribute or if they are bored or don't like you and wish you'd go away and talk to someone else.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 12:16

2rebecca, what about "resting bitch face"

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 12:19

or whether to simply leave them to it and carry on the conversation around them. The former apparently risks pissing them off

I did a training course where a quiet woman made a complaint about two chatty women for "leaving her out" and she couldn't learn if she wasn't included in the group workshops.

I wasn't one of those women, but I was in the group, and they tried to make conversation but then "took the hint" as the quiet one didn't seem to want to participate.

The chatty 2 did hit it off and swap numbers, but in group activities weren't what I would call "cliquey"

In the end the quiet one dropped out after eventually calling the chatty women bullies - this wasn't upheld by the employer (it was work related training)

So you see why people might feel they "have" to make an effort to keep trying to include everyone?

myownprivateidaho · 14/07/2016 12:21

I'm not sure. I think the natural assumption when someone answers in monosyllables is that they don't want to talk. But in my experience, both of being shy and of talking to shy people, I think that some shy people appreciate it when others make the effort to get to know them and don't assume they're just being haughty. So I think it can just be difficult.

IPityThePontipines · 14/07/2016 12:23

YANBU.

Lol at all the posters mocking the OP's lack of understanding and hurtful words while throwing round their own insults.

Yes, I am aware that some people have issues with social anxiety and the like, but there are plenty who are rude.

If you don't want to talk to anyone at a social event, why go in the first place?

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 12:25

This is a cousin who has never talked in social situations - ever. It doesn't take a genius to think they probably can't talk, rather than that they were born to be a bitch...

carbed · 14/07/2016 12:26

slingcrump but most shy people do respond just not very enthusiastically - OP's cousin for example. Monosyllables and brief answers but that's surely enough to be polite when OP knows she's shy. And I can't imagine having one or two people in your life who you find it difficult to get a good conversation out of will lead to developing shyness.

I also think it's weird when YANBU posters make exceptions for mental illnesses as if most cripplingly shy people aren't mentally ill in some way.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 14/07/2016 12:27

2rebecca absolutely agree re mentally unwell. I've been going through mental illness myself recently - I'd much rather it was talked about openly rather than in hushed tones. Handsome has issues - fuck off, I've been ill!

Which doesn't mean to say I don't have issues mind Grin

Being mentally unwell has been a bit like having a termination, in that once people are aware that's it's safe to talk, it's incredible how many have had the same experience.

Shyness is a bit like obesity, in that it isn't generally making the person experiencing it happy. The solution (lose weight! Fake it till you make it!) seems obvious, but it really isn't that easy.

roundaboutthetown · 14/07/2016 12:29

Funnily enough, some people who are petrified of talking nevertheless want to be around other people rather than completely isolated in every way. And then there are extended family gatherings, where they are not really given the choice of whether or not to be there, anyway... Imagine how much more outraged the relatives would be if they remained in their bedroom and refused to come out...

carbed · 14/07/2016 12:31

ipitythepontipines"Yes, I am aware that some people have issues with social anxiety and the like, but there are plenty who are rude. "

then it's rudeness not shyness... and so the whole thread falls apart