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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find shy people irritating?

360 replies

BuntingForSummer · 13/07/2016 22:01

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 10:13

I like seeing people 1:1 and can relax and speak freely

But I have never ever found groups easy

However I watch people who do appear to be good at it, and try to mimic them a bit and learn from them.

It's really hard, I cringe inside and struggle to think what to say. I understand feeling shy, but it feels really unfair when I'm pushed more to the forefront of conversations by another shy person who isn't trying and is opting out, thus putting the focus more on me.

GabsAlot · 14/07/2016 10:13

opt out?

its not a bloody exam if they dont want to talk leave them be!

if u dont like it dont go round there

SparkleSoiree · 14/07/2016 10:13

This is what really confuses me as an individual. These unwritten social rules that some people seem to rule their life by and how they judge others by.

I have always been on the outside socially of school friends, teen friends, adult friends and really struggle to understand what these social rules are that 'keep society turning'.

I'm a smart woman but sometimes people's behaviour confuses the hell out of me leaving me feeling stupid but somehow I'm supposed to know what those rules are without anyone actually telling me?!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2016 10:14

Mumble 'I find people who don't know how to stfu irritating'
The irony there being that often a 'normal chatter' is forced to talk incessantly when coupled with someone who doesn't add to the conversation at all; to avoid awkwardness for both.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 10:16

its not a bloody exam if they dont want to talk leave them be!

If it just affected them then fine!
But if Aunty Susan and Aunty Audry are used to saying "oh X is shy, we'll leave her to it and go and talk to Adulting instead" - I don't get "left to it". And for some reason if I try to fall into the background more I'm labelled "moody"… because I do try most of the time. The ones that never try to the point of actually being rude, do seem to get away with their "shy" label

chunkymum1 · 14/07/2016 10:16

OP. Have you ever thought about how your cousin might be feeling?

For most people making small talk, joining in with conversations, making jokes etc is a skill that seem to come quite naturally (even if you do need to put in a little bit of effort to be bothered to converse). For others this kind of social interaction is almost impossible to navigate.

I think MackeralofFact's car analogy is really good. For some people no matter how hard they try or how much they want to join in they just can't work out how. It's really not as simple as just 'making an effort'. When you say your cousin is listening and watching she may well be wanting to join in but anxious about getting it wrong/just not able to think of something to say. I know it sounds easy, especially with family, but for someone who struggles with this it can feel impossible and also be incredibly upsetting.

pictish · 14/07/2016 10:17

P.s I don't agree that it's 'severely lacking in empathy' - I think it's a simple lack of understanding.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 10:18

For most people making small talk, joining in with conversations, making jokes etc is a skill that seem to come quite naturally

I REALLY don't think that's true, I think a lot of people get good at making it look easy though

Hands up who finds formal social gatherings "easy"
anyone?

MrsLion · 14/07/2016 10:20

I have had to write my post several times, because as a former shy person I found the OP extremely insulting.

Extreme shyness is horrendously crippling. It's a mental disorder linked to anxiety that you can't control.

When I was very shy I would also give one word answers or just sit and watch in social situations. Hating myself more and more because I wasn't joining in or responding as I knew I should, and desperately wanted to. It was definitely not because I couldn't be arsed or didn't find them interesting - it's a kind of paralysing fear combined with overthinking your own perceived inadequacies.
I got gradually more confident and outgoing in my twenties and I'm not shy in the slightest now. But my teenage years were dreadful and I have every sympathy for others suffering in the same way.

It's very hard for people who aren't shy to understand.

Talk to other people if she's not chatty enough for you. But don't make her feel worse than she already feels.

YABU

FurryTurnip · 14/07/2016 10:27

My MIL is like this. I have known her 20 years and barely know anything about her and she doesn't speak. I used to find it extremely irritating as I always felt the pressure to make conversation and fill the gaps. My DP always said not to bother, she is happy with silence. So I no longer make the effort. If she comes round and says barely three words that is up to her. I don't make all the effort now and taking the pressure off myself means I am less irritated. And at social gatherings I always take a quiz or a board game as she will engage with that and actually speak (a word or two.)

it's how she is, she won't change, I won't change, we just all have to bumble along.

pictish · 14/07/2016 10:30

"When I was very shy I would also give one word answers or just sit and watch in social situations. Hating myself more and more because I wasn't joining in or responding as I knew I should, and desperately wanted to. It was definitely not because I couldn't be arsed or didn't find them interesting - it's a kind of paralysing fear combined with overthinking your own perceived inadequacies."

This is how it is for those shy pies I know and love so much. As a friendly, outgoing person who navigates social stuff with relative ease, I am only aware of the plight of the socially anxious through the experience of being married to and being a mother to two such individuals. Otherwise I don't think I'd have any real insight into what it's all about.
It is not a choice that anyone knowingly makes.

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 10:32

If someone found talking to me hard work I'd really rather they didn't bother and left me on my own or to socialise with people who like me. It sounds as though everyone here should stop going to formal occasions as they hate them, or should go and just talk to the people they want to talk to rather than feel they are doing the world a favour by talking to people they don't know and judging them for being insufficiently chatty.

TrueBlueYorkshire · 14/07/2016 10:33

What is far worse than someone who is shy is someone who talks in circular logic and just keeps going on and on... these are the kind of people who usually gossip a lot and don't actually have anything interesting to discuss.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 14/07/2016 10:34

People who "don't know when to STFU" are often those over compensating for their own awkwardness.

Aussiemum78 · 14/07/2016 10:36

I find extremes of shyness and loudness difficult to handle, but in a group setting, if she's happy not to talk then I'd leave it be.

InsufficientlyCaffeinated · 14/07/2016 10:41

Nobody owes you conversation. Your social rules may say that if somebody talks to you then you talk to them in return but my social rules state that you don't push somebody who doesn't want to talk to you.

I'm painfully shy IRL and yes even with members of my own family. However I find that some people are patient and kind and I can talk to them just fine and some people are impatient and intolerant and I cannot talk to them.

2rebecca · 14/07/2016 10:42

True, but I think if you do become aware that you are doing most of the talking then it doesn't harm to stop for a while and see if anyone else has anything to say. People who have difficulty with silence, even short periods of silence often don't appreciate that quieter people need a gap in conversation so that they feel they aren't being rude and interrupting.
For some people talking over the top of other people and interrupting is the only way to be heard, particularly if they come from large noisy families. For other people they have been taught that you wait for the other person to finish speaking before you say something. Someone who never seems to finish speaking and just does a long monologue can be irritating even if they are talking because they are awkward.

pictish · 14/07/2016 10:43

My mouth can run away with me when presented with an interaction that is, to all intents and purposes, one-sided and heavily tipped on my side.
Silence can feel pointed, awkward and even rather excruciating. Unless you are sharing it with someone you're really comfortable and familiar with, the natural reaction is to fill it.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 14/07/2016 10:46

I like how in the same breath, people are saying how posters lack compassion and understanding towards people whose social anxiety is expressed in silence…
… and then the same bunch swiftly move on to showing a lack of compassion and understanding towards people whose social anxiety is expressed as verbal diarrhoea..
Hmm

Rhaegal · 14/07/2016 10:48

Sounds more like selective mutism...

I was thinking this too or something else but more than shyness.

I'm shy but managed to talk at family function.

Though like another poster my shyness massively improved when I left home and my family was some distance away.

This was partly as my parents were very critical and all the family reminded me I had speech problems when younger which I think made me more self conscious. Plus getting out and having to deal life improved my self esteem and observing and watching interactions meant I learnt from others tactics and how to make small talk.

All my children were born shy - wouldn't now know that with the eldest though others are quiet they are capable of going out into situations and interacting by themselves.

Rhaegal · 14/07/2016 10:51

understanding towards people whose social anxiety is expressed as verbal diarrhoea..

yes people like that are out there as well - I think as I've gone through life I've realised very few people are always comfortable in every situation - so it's likely it not just you nervous in a room which I think I find helpful.

pictish · 14/07/2016 10:52

I suppose that was aimed at me.
Ok - What I'm trying and not being very successful in saying is that I see it from both sides of the fence and that it's not an 'either or' situation but one that requires understanding all round.

I am an outgoing, chatty, socially confident person, married to and in love with someone who has severe social anxiety. I'm sorry that having a foot in both camps is so confusing for you.

Mumble29 · 14/07/2016 10:56

Well maybe she has social anxiety, or other such issues who knows. And what I meant by being irritated by someone who won't stfu, was basically someone who loves the sound of their own voice, and just talks bollocks for the sake of it. Grin

KERALA1 · 14/07/2016 10:56

Totally with you Adulting.

I once mirrored fil at lunch. Within minutes it was "are you ok Kerala?" Etc. He is allowed to sit in silence but somehow I am not. Some of us for whatever reason feel duty bound to keep the wheels turning. Do I want to make small talk? No not always sometimes I would love to sit in silence and watch everything unfold but somehow I am not allowed to get away with it!

Actually my cousins former wife was "shy". Never spoke just sat there. Everyone very sympathetic. Then she changed career and my father was of use to her professionally. Suddenly she was charm personified to him - sparkling company Hmm

lyraj · 14/07/2016 10:57

Very decent of you KERALA1, to make an exception for people who are mentally unwell. The rest of us should just bloody well sort ourselves out, shouldn't we?

I was a bit Hmm at the 'mentally unwell' comment. Nice

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