To find shy people irritating?

[BuntingForSummer]

My younger cousin is very shy and quiet. She has been like this since as long as I have known her.

She hardly ever speaks. It's not just in social gatherings but even when it's just us with my aunt's family.

Times when I have tried to initiate a conversation, I just receive monosyllabic answers or a very brief answer at best. She just sort of sits there listening and watching everyone. It makes me feel very irritated. I mean I can understand being quiet and shy around strangers but we are family ffs! My aunt says she does speak at home but I literally have never seen her hold a conversation longer than a minute.

AIBU to feel irritated by her behaviour? I have never seen anything like it apart from a colleague at work who is also very very quiet but not to such a degree.

Your cousin is not irritating. You are irritated. Spend some time wondering why this irritates you. Its about you, not her.

Yabu. I bet she feels much worse than you do about it!

I have worked hard to try to ensure neither of mine are shy - as my mother did for us. My sister was crippling shy as a child but due to upbringing managed to come through it. She ended up with a job socialising professionally with presidents and royalty. It can be done. Being shy Can be life limiting. Unfair but true.

And there is a huge difference between those that focus on others thoughtfully and try to make social situations work and foolish loud mouth gabblers

I get irritated by shy people so I'm with the OP here. If you put yourself in a social situation you should make an effort to converse. Don't just be a body in the room.
If I was OP I wouldn't waste anymore time on neice.

carbed it was my late mother who used to say being self-conscious literally implies that people are thinking about themselves to the exclusion of others.

I don't think for a moment she was implying that it came from a self-absorbed "let's turn the attention on me" attitude. Of course shyness can result from a history of bad experiences - totally agree.

What I think she was trying to say was it would be good to remain open to the possibility that the person who is making overtures to the shy person (for want of a better expression) may themselves, for example, have had bad past experiences or perhaps having their efforts rejected may form a bad experience in the present ie they may feel hurt, rebuffed or conclude that they themselves are inadequate in some way or that they had done something wrong.

(And I was careful to say in my post that obviously people with mh issues such as social anxiety or teenagers get a free pass on this!)

I know some posters have said down thread words to the effect of "why should she be obliged to interact to quell the op's discomfort?" but isn't that what basic manners and politeness is about? If someone makes an effort and shows an interest in you, shouldn't you at least afford them the same respect (mh issues aside obviously).

I'm not understanding what magical difference being "family" makes. OK you share a few genes but so what? It sounds as though you don't like her and you have nothing in common. She probably talks more to her friends who she gets to choose than a cousin she doesn't. Stop making it be all about you and just don't talk to her or just politely say hello if she annoys you that much. Stop trying to initiate conversations she has no interest in. The poor girl probably hates extended family gatherings and wishes she could avoid them and stay at home with a book.

There Is an interesting TED lecture by Susan Cain called "The Power of Introverts" - worth a listen.

Most people who are shy, including me, would love to be able 'muck in' at social occasions. But, in the end, everyone is different. I'm certainly not setting out to make anyone else's life difficult.

Very decent of you KERALA1, to make an exception for people who are mentally unwell. The rest of us should just bloody well sort ourselves out, shouldn't we?

BEING AN INTROVERT IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING SHY OR HAVING SOCIAL ANXIETY

I know people have said it already but I must say it again because many people still seem to think introversion and shyness go hand in hand. They don't!

As the outgoing wife of a chronically shy/socially anxious husband and the mother of a chronically shy/socially anxious daughter as well as two outgoing boys, I have to say this thread has been quite nasty.

OP I bristled at your attitude to begin with but now I think your ignorance and lack of social grace has been well superceded by people posting on this thread. How self-important and unpleasant people have been regarding your cousin's feelings towards you, telling you she obviously can't stand you and so on...as if they have the first clue about it.

A poor show of understanding all round imo. Maybe that's what we all need to work on rather than assuming the worst and sticking the boot in.

It's probably a combination of shyness and the fact you don't 'click.'

I was cripplingly shy and suffered with social anxiety until my mid-twenties. I'm much more confident in myself now, although still introverted and find small talk hard work.

However there are some people I just completely struggle to make conversation with for whatever reason - they might be abrupt, pushy, boring, poor listeners, or just have nothing in common. It's nothing to do with shyness and everything to do with the fact that we just aren't that interested in talking to each other so conversation never really gets off the ground.

I was a shy person, still am but have learned to hide it. Funnily enough, it was getting away from my family that helped me to pretend confidence, so OP's comment of 'but we are family ffs' doesn't really make much sense to me.
You see, my family were quite unkind in many ways. If I did say something they would merrily take the piss out what I'd said, for years. I still revert to silent mode when I am with some of them.

And social anxiety, for the record, is exhausting.

Imagine every time you went out in the car you had an accident.

Even if you tried to do everything that everyone else did, for some inexplicable reason you couldn't quite steer the car or control the speed and you hit something every time you went out. Yet you needed to use the car every day, sometimes all day long - but it's terrifying because you keep having accidents and each accident affects you for hours, days, weeks or months afterwards. Every time you know you have to get in the car, you get more and more nervous, which means you have more accidents. In the end, you have the choice between just not going in the car at all, or getting in and getting the car completely wrecked again. Although you keep getting in the car and trying to figure out how to avoid accidents, each incident sets you back a little bit further and makes you more anxious. You read books about how to avoid accidents, you hope other drivers might be a bit kinder to you, you watch other people driving, and hope that you can become a confident driver. And if you're lucky, eventually you might figure out how to avoid the accidents, and you become a better driver. If you're unlucky, you just stop driving.

Your cousin is not irritating. You are irritated. Spend some time wondering why this irritates you. Its about you, not her.

I agree with this.

I'm shy on the inside, and have social anxiety, but I force myself to make converstion and possibly over compensate the other way and appear extroverted.

So it pisses me off when someone gets away with not bothering because they're "shy". As if social stuff is easy for the rest of us? It's not, it's often painful and leaves me coming away cringing with social anxiety, but I do it.

I had (had) a friend like this, she could "get away" with being "shy", but the rest of us in that group couldn't have a quieter day without being called moody. What was worse was that the rest of us had to compensate for her in social settings, which really wasn't fair.

'Shy' people can be infuriating and can be manipulative with it. I have every sympathy with them in that it can't be an easy or happy place to be (I was a bit that way in my teens), but once you reach adulthood it really does need to be addressed. Once I realised people found me aloof and rude, I managed to fake it till I made it. Given I was able to get over myself, it couldn't have been that much of an issue, but it felt terrible at the time.

I'm under treatment for anxiety at the moment, (not in social situations thankfully), so I totally get that we're not always in control of our emotions and behaviour. The anxiety has impacted on every relationship and every aspect of my life - I imagine chronic shyness to be similar.

myownprivateidaho. . Means other people have to do all the work???? Has some one got op arm up her back forcing her to talk. She don't want to speak to u. Take the direct hint and STFU.

It sounds as though some of you have overly sociable intolerant friends. I have a lot of friends who are academics and musicians and being quiet is fairly normal. We don't feel the need to always yatter away to each other and wouldn't take it as a personal slight if someone wasn't wanting to talk all the time. What happened to companionable silence? Going out and socialising and talking all the time isn't compulsory. I find it odd that some people feel it is their social duty to be chatty.
If someone wants to sit in a pub with me and read their paper or book that's fine by me, although I like to be pre-warned so i can bring by own book.

Means other people have to do all the work

it does though!

If theres 3 people in the room, one "gets away" with being shy and is allowed to sit quietly not doing any of the "work", then I'm going to end up having to do 50% of all the talking with the other person, as they'll defer to me, because X is "shy", even though I'll find it painful and difficult because X isn't the only one who doesn't feel like taking!

Extended family are probably the worst for someone with crippling social anxiety, as they don't see you that often, but see you often enough to have drawn conclusions about you and to treat you according to those long-ago conceived notions. You may have become more socially competent since you last saw your cousins, but they won't know that, and their behaviour towards you will just throw you straight back into the old patterns of behaviour. On top of this, extended family often feel more entitled than others to talk about you to other family members and you will be aware of what they say about you, so you will feel even more like some performing seal being thrown into the ring to fulfil their expectations... You have to be severely lacking in empathy to think it will be easier for someone with social anxiety to open up in front of extended family than close friends or even complete strangers they won't have to see again. Extended family are the absolute worst people to develop and grow in front of... She shouldn't have to talk to you in order to prove she is cured of some kind of affliction. She will know you find her irritating and has no evidence whatsoever that sharing her opinions with you will make her any less irritating to you - it could just be one whole, new kind of irritating. Safest to keep quiet and listen.

Companionable silence is great but in most cases I think you have to develop friendships in the first place to get to that point ifyswim.

Of course its not your social duty to be chatty. But I happen think it is your social duty to be aware of others and behave in a basically polite manner.

Do the feelings of those who have been rebuffed by the shy person matter less than the feelings of the shy person themselves? (And I say this as someone who finds socialising with groups of people quite testing.)

Obviously, if someone suffers from crippling social anxiety than that is a totally different ball game. They are unable to interact, just as someone with a physical illness may not be able to do so.

If you find it "work" to talk if there are only 3 of you then why don't you just stop talking or only socialise with people who aren't hard work to talk to?
Most of this thread makes no sense to me. Maybe because I don't socialise that much apart from with friends I have known for several years and we usually have sporting, musical or political interests in common as my friends tend to be related to my hobbies. If a group of us were out and not feeling chatty we'd probably just go home early after not saying that much.

Agree formal occasions involving extended family can be v difficult - lots of charged emotions and a back history - and if you don't see one another very often, the added pressure of "making the occasion a success".

I have suffered from shyness and social phobia all of my life but am much better now at 43 having had kids and a dog (dog people are very socialble!).

I like to think of myself as been a fairly intelligent person, however when I am in a social situation (and this can be with family too as DH has lots of family members), my mind will turn to complete mush and I find it really hard to strike up or continue conversations.

Do you actually know your cousin at all? How old is she? Can you not find some common ground/something she finds interesting so you can start a conversation with her?

Social interaction does not come easy to us all and a little bit of understanding can go such a long way - just a little bit of human kindness helps sometimes. Just try not to have such harsh opinions of her poor girl.

You have to be severely lacking in empathy to think it will be easier for someone with social anxiety to open up in front of extended family than close friends or even complete strangers they won't have to see again.

I agree with this. Through no fault of their own, an audience with extended family can bring a heightened sense of social anxiety to the fore.

I find people who don't know when to stfu highly irritating

Social interaction does not come easy to us all

Actually, I think it only comes "easy" to very few
I think that actually the majority of people have some level of social anxiety or struggles, particularly in more formal group settings such as big family get togethers.
Wheres the understanding for all the (probably majority) of people who are forcing themselves to do it?
Why are some people allowed to be shy and opt out when the majority of us aren't?