Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 21:08

A 70/30 split doesn't have to mean term time is 70/30 and holidays are 70/30. It can for some and not for others, 70/30 is for an entire year, for some situations the 30% can end up being all the holidays and nothing during term time. Assuming 70/30 in holidays is obviously not the case here but as an overall year, meaning the mother must be doing over 70% term time.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:10

No way would I allow my precious time (and the money I was paying for it) to be used up bei g a childminder so another woman could work full time

This ^^

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 21:10

There is nothing wrong with the I word when it doesn't trump on others, but clearly in this case it does. I I I I I but that does have consequences for the children here and that is not nice for them, do they get some IIIIIIIs too?

The responsibilities lie in the end with the parents for arranging care.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:12

That's the mum's problem to sort. She needs to give them some I's when it's her days to have them.

user7755 · 12/07/2016 21:13

I am a step parent, and I think YABU. Penguin has it spot on and whilst I acknowledge that there is a lot of step mum (specifically) hatred on this site - this thread is not an example of that.

It shows that there are some step parents out there who view their family as a number of separate entities and the technicalities of who is right and wrong as more important than the children.

peggyundercrackers · 12/07/2016 21:13

There is nothing wrong with the I word when it doesn't trump on others

I guess this is what the ex thinks when she says i don't want to look after the kids for a week and I want to go on holiday instead or i am changing my job so I can't do childcare for my own children or... You get the picture...

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 21:14

Jeez life - you want the maths?

Ex has kids 9-10 nights out of 14, we have them 4-5. That's 29-36% with us (call it an average of 32%.

She therefore has them 68% of the time in term time.

In the holidays we have the same arrangements for nights sleep etc but in general we have sorted childcare for 5 out of 14 weeks holiday ourselves.

4 out of 14 are covered by DPs family
2 are covered by her family
3 are covered by her. (She does her own thing with the rest of her annual leave.)

The more I am looking at this the more I can see I am not being unreasonable at all!

OP posts:
Banana99 · 12/07/2016 21:16

The OP doesn't seem to be able to do right. Do the X isn't going to take time off herself and the OP is in the wrong?

I would get this sorted before you are off on maternity leave as it sounds like she will try to push more and more.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:21

That's a good point about maternity leave.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 21:23

Yes - she will. Shes already been in touch to tell us how much extra time she expects us to have the children when DP is on pat leave.

initially I had been thinking I could help more when I am on Mat leave but the more I think about it the more I think she's taking me for a ride and completely using me so I will be sticking firm to our agreed plans - and getting holiday plans in place early.

OP posts:
Banana99 · 12/07/2016 21:26

paternity leave is for you and the new baby! Depending when the new baby arrives I would expect that you might have the children a little less esp if you are having a tough time.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:28

I wouldn't let her get used to it because he'll be back at work before long. Again, your choice to have a baby and the fact that you will be at home more should be of no benefit to her.
I wouldn't lift a finger for her whilst you're on mat leave.

DinosaursRoar · 12/07/2016 21:30

Erm, even if she expected 50/50 care, then that would be 3 weeks of the holidays to be covered by the OP's DP and 3 weeks by his exW. So as he's covering 2 weeks himself and has got his family to look after them for 2 weeks, he's already covered 66% of the holidays - or am I missing something?

The ExW might not want to or be able to take any time off over the holidays to be with her DCs, that's doesn't mean the OP's DP has to sort something (including possible asking his DP to cover it), it's the exW's weeks, her job to sort. She's got 1 week covered with family, she has only 1 week to sort by herself.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 21:36

Yes Dinosaurs, the ex asked the mother in law to look after for 2 weeks, not the father, so my guess is the mother looks at it as she arranged those 2 weeks so the father isn't covering 50% of the holidays but the mother wants him to.

pleasemothermay1 · 12/07/2016 21:38

Why is he not helping her with the childcare costs

Op your dp is taking the frigging Liberty and it's likely he who has given her the impression she can even be cheeky enough to ask you

However if you don't want to loose the income your dp would loose in paying the child care then you have to do it

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 21:39

It would be wise to plan carefully for introducing all three existing children to their new half sibling, including spending time with each of them whilst on mat/pat leave. Most children see more of their father when a new baby arrives and that dad takes paternity leave, simply because he is at home more. Excluding two of them may cause more issues, and it would seem v unfair to them to in any way reduce their time at their father's house. Whatever the issues between you/DP and his ex, all four children's needs should come first.

When parents of three have a fourth baby, those parents get extremely little 1-2-1 time with the baby and the existing children rightly remain the main focus.

"I wouldn't lift a finger for her whilst you're on mat leave. "
Caring for the children is for their benefit, not their mother's.

Your choice of language is interesting "help out more" rather than "see them more". Do you ever get any 1-2-1 time with either of your step children? How long have you lived with them?

I actually cannot believe someone up thread has described looking after stepchildren as childminding another woman's children. Sad Sad

Dandelion6565 · 12/07/2016 21:42

Say no, she's taking the piss. You have covered more than half the holidays for her haven't you?

I hate it when people think sahm or part time mums should help because they can. It's a choice to earn less to be with your children and/or have me time. Nothing wrong with an I attitude every once in a while. You are pregnant, enjoy that time.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 21:43

iloveberries deep breaths

lifeisunjust RTFT, and don't look at this through your very tinted glasses.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:44

Caring for the children during their mum's time is for the mum's benefit.

DoinItFine · 12/07/2016 21:44

Looking after children so their mother doesn't have to arrange childcare whike she works IS childminding, regardless of your relationship tonthose children.

It's just as shit when women try to pull this shit on their mothers.

Women are entitled to orgsnise their own time without having caring duties imposed on them against their will.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:49

Agreed. It's childminding/babysitting. They are providing childcare and it's called one of those things ^^.
Like when grandparents do it. Its the same thing.

whois · 12/07/2016 21:49

These threads always remind me why I would never get into a relationship with a man with children. Hassle and resentment all round.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 21:49

Yes penguins we will have them over more when he's on pat leave as want to let them bond and not feel left out. She's been trying to tell us which days we should have them (which all for around her hobbies!)

I actually don't especially want to see them more than I do so I do see it as helping her out rather than seeing them more as its her time with them and therefore her responsibility to arrange appropriate childcare.

Don't get me wrong I am happy to see them and enjoy my time with them and always give the children 100% but I don't miss them when they aren't here and I don't feel that I WANT to see them.

Actually many times their mum asks me to help or dad to do extra so she can pursue her hobby or so she has been able to pursue her full time career. To that end it is for her benefit not the children's. The kids complain they hardly see their mum.

I do sometimes have 1:1 time with the step kids and it's nice.

OP posts:
user7755 · 12/07/2016 21:59

Penguins - again, I agree with you 100%

ABunchOfCups · 12/07/2016 22:00

So as he's covering 2 weeks himself and has got his family to look after them for 2 weeks, he's already covered 66% of the holidays - or am I missing something?

Dad has the for two weeks and the Mum has them four. Mum arranged for The Dad's family to help her during those four weeks, OP says her DP wasn't aware his Mother was helping his ex until she told him. He can't take credit for being responsible for 66 percent of childcare arrangements, when he's only done/arranged two weeks.

If my dhs ex asked mil to look after their ds as she had to work or something, dh wouldn't say "well that's my share of childcare responsibility sorted then" as he hasn't even arranged it and it's happening when the ex has ds, not dh.