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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 14:31

That was a hypothetical question anyway as not relevant in our scenario as ex uses her and dps family members so doesn't have any childcare costs in the holidays

OP posts:

branofthemist · 12/07/2016 14:31

But if he has already arranged child care for 4 weeks of it, then he has done 50% at least.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 14:32

She needs to stop seeing you as default her childcare provider because of the fact you work part time. She's so entitled and cheeky.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 14:32

*her default childcare provider

Hiddenaspie1973 · 12/07/2016 14:33

Him and his ex need to get a plan sorted out.
It's really not your problem to solve.
You two are having the kids for two weeks out of the six. That's enough.
If she's bitching about you, perhaps suggest she gets herself a term time only job so she can have her kids in the holidays.
If she doesn't like the current situation she can take steps to change it, not you.
Alternatively, she can pay holiday club like I used to.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 12/07/2016 14:34

wait, so your DP uses all his annual leave to look after his kids? He did 5 weeks already (out of the 13 roughly kids have off)

His wife has used the other 5 weeks for the same purpose?

If that's the case the two of them need to split the cost of the remaining 3 weeks 50/50 and come up with a plan around who picks them up/drops them off and arrange work accordingly so if this means dad needs to finish earlier and start earlier he does if possible. Ditto mum.

But then his family are looking after them for another 2 weeks? so there should only be one left right? why can't mum pay for holiday care or has she screwed up and not planned it?

Its not rocket science ffs.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 14:34

"He couldnt have them 50% of the holidays as he works away often so it would fall to me to do the day to day with them which to be frank I don't want to do."

So, assuming he does what all working parents do, and arranges childcare from 8/9am-5/6pm, you are essentially saying you don't want them around evenings, overnights, breakfast and weekends for half the holidays when your do will be away from home some of that time. Honestly, why are you with this person if you don't take him as he comes, i.e. kids and all? They were there before you, are younger and more vulnerable, and are part of the deal.

You are talking about them like an irritation impinging on your perfect life. They are people first and foremost, your dp's flesh and blood and your child's sibling. They already do not have their two parents together, and now the adults in their lives are talking about 'fairness' in the context of not wanting the responsibility of taking care of them. Sheesh. Really hoping I have misunderstood this one.

icklekid · 12/07/2016 14:35

I think this their kids aren't my responsibility to look after. is true and it is good that your DH sticks up for you. However...if you are long term going to be in your step kids lives it is worth considering how they will view it. Will they feel rejected because they would like to spend time with your DS (and DH in evenings I presume?) or would they enjoy childcare/club options? I think being pregnant this year gives you a good opt out as you will be generally more tired. Then you can reconsider what is best next year...

Footyfan16 · 12/07/2016 14:35

Ok two ways of looking at this - you are currently pregnant (obviously with DP's child) so very soon, his siblings will have another sibling which unites you all. You are already giving up your 1:1 time with your own child by having this baby - so I guess you are trying to make the most of it now before baby comes along? if so, then say that, no issue with that.
The other way of looking at this is that if for any reason you and DP split up, how would you feel if his new partner didn't want to look after your child?
You want the role of being looked up to as step mum, but don't want the responsibility of actually taking on that role - you can't have your cake and eat it, but then that's not to say you are to be taking the piss out of by DP's ex.

Get some formal rules in place around what goes on. If he wants his kids in holiday day care during his 50% then he needs to pay for it and make sure they have adequate ability to get there and back (he needs to sort that)

BUT do try and be nice about it, help out where you can, remember you should be treating these kids as your own, and I say this as a mum of 3 who has a new partner, they must ALL be treated the same or it will go awfully wrong down the line for you all.

cannotlogin · 12/07/2016 14:35

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after...AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare

Her financial situation is neither here nor there.

There are children who need to be cared for during the holidays.

They are the responsibility of BOTH their parents. Not just one parent. BOTH parents have a responsibility to ensure that their children are adequately cared for and that includes arranging childcare when appropriate.

It is not your job to care for your step children. It is, however, your partner's job to take an equal responsibility in dealing with school holidays which are a nightmare for working parents who don't have the luxury of term time only working (and I speak as someone who does!).

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 14:35

He's not home all week?

Does he actually work away?

it just seems to me that he expects his ex's job to fit around his kids, but his doesn't.

I think 3 weeks each is fair.

eyebrowsonfleek · 12/07/2016 14:35

CSA amounts of maintenance are a legal minimum. Morally, non-resident parents should pay more than this amount.

If the step-children go into paid childcare, that is what their parents decided and you shouldn't feel guilty. Your son has 2 different parents who have made a different decision and that's not your H's ex's business.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 14:37

Sorry, just spotted that he does work away.

I don't know any other parents who can work away and not have childcare in place.

He seems to be relying on both you and his ex to care for his children, while he continues with little responsibility for their care while he's working away.

ABunchOfCups · 12/07/2016 14:38

While I agree with others that the childcare arrangements should be sorted between the kids parents, I don't agree that the child support he pays would/should fund that.

It's money he pays regardless of if she's at work or not, and I'd imagine a childcare would take a big chunk out of that, leaving less for the day to day upkeep of his dc. I'm not certain but childcare expenses are not taken into account when awarding CS, the amount is the same regardless if a RP works or not.

If summer holidays are six weeks, then can your dp take a weeks holiday at work and have them for three, instead of just two? Are the family members looking after them because she has sorted it as part of the childcare for the four weeks she has them in Summer.

I guess if she's left with four weeks to sort childcare for while your dp only has two I can see why she'd ask you for help, childcare shouldn't fall to you though, but maybe their Dad should take a week off or something so that they both have three weeks.

cannotlogin · 12/07/2016 14:38

If the ex has them 70% of the time and receives maintenance as such why is dad expected to have them half the holidays and pay for half the holiday childcare?

so...30% of the time, has your partner arranged childcare to cover his 30%? Or are you expecting her to arrange and pay for that too?

ABunchOfCups · 12/07/2016 14:39

Oops, thread moved quickly.

Footyfan16 · 12/07/2016 14:40

Child Support is NOT calculated based on childcare - it is a standard living cost which is calculated.

I pay nearly £1k a month in childcare, and get a grand total of £6 per week in maintenance.

Your DP should pay half of the extra childcare costs if he cannot look after them.

ellie264 · 12/07/2016 14:41

YANBU, they're not your kids, why should you be treated as a free childminder?

She needs to either ask her family for help, as your DP has done, or arrange childcare. I feel that is solely her responsibility as your DP is already providing for 50% of the summer holiday.

MeridianB · 12/07/2016 14:42

You are not responsible for childcare and shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to spend 1:1 time with your son, especially ahead of a new baby.

All holidays should be split 50:50 - it's worth making that formal and planning ahead as far as you can as to who will take which half terms and which weeks in the summer.

Twatbadg has it right:
^"wait, so your DP uses all his annual leave to look after his kids? He did 5 weeks already (out of the 13 roughly kids have off)

His wife has used the other 5 weeks for the same purpose?

But then his family are looking after them for another 2 weeks? so there should only be one left right? why can't mum pay for holiday care or has she screwed up and not planned it?"^

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 14:42

"Why is dad expected to have them half the holidays?"

Because he is their father, and it is good for children and parents to spend time together. Their care is also his responsibility as a parent, not just 30% of a parent based on how much they cost him.

eyebrowsonfleek · 12/07/2016 14:42

The "standard" amount that non-resident parents get are every other week and half school holidays. I know it's not been clarified between his ex and him but I'd say it's reasonable to say that he's 50% responsible.

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 14:44

Yes worra he works away most weeks. we are trying to change that but jobs are thin on the ground in the industry he's in.

penguins - yes, I have the kids around a lot and I don't want them here for lots more time in the holidays as I want to give my DS some quality time.

I think having them here but sending them to holiday clubs while DS stays with me would send a worse message to be honest.

I do help with DPs kids as I've mentioned already so I have always felt comfortable I do my "fair share" and make sure they are looked after

OP posts:

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 14:46

Yes cannot he has them for more than 30% of the holidays

OP posts:

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 14:48

How about this, how would you feel if you discovered that your father and mother were arguing about who had to look after you for half you summer hols because your step mum did not want to look after you? Get to know them, get to love them, include them in your lives. You have chosen to be with this man, who has two kids, and to have a child with him. This is what you chose.

There are soon to be four children in your lives, and as any parent of four knows, 1-2-1 time is a rarity, not a right for one child over two others. Be careful not to set up tensions between the different children because some get better treatment than others, or because your step-children do not feel wanted and welcomed.

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 14:48

And yes his family are having them over school holidays too

OP posts:

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