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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 17:54

If it was the other way around I can't help but feel the responses would be VERY different

Chewbecca · 12/07/2016 17:59

Firstly, I agree it is essential to agree in future how you will split the hols , whether that be 50/50 or not. Then agree annually which weeks you will cover, either by DH taking leave, DH's family, whatever.

But secondly, I also feel for these kids & the fact no one wants them over the hols, whether it is your 'responsibility' or not. How old are they? The time of needing full time holiday care is pretty short, it really won't be long before they are self sufficient in the hols. If you can take on the care I would.

MillionToOneChances · 12/07/2016 18:05

Worra, what proportion of the holiday care do you think the mother should be responsible for?

I think it's fair to count care provided by the father's family to be care from his side since he can't then ask them to help during his time with the kids. And by that logic he's doing more than half the holiday care whilst paying as though he's only providing the same percentage as in term time. Why on earth do you think OP should do more if she would rather not?

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 18:07

As I have seen on MN so many times about dads/NRPs.. "His kid, His day, His problem"

So I think the same principle should apply to this mum/RP in the op's case.
Her kid
Her day
Her problem.

Why should the OP bail her out?

zoobeedoo · 12/07/2016 18:13

Same boat, I am very firm. I am not holiday cover for someone else's kid, I have my own son to look after/spend quality time with and just because I am off the school holidays does not make me a babysitter.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 18:13

I feel sad for the children as well but I also know that my DS and I need Quality time together and I want to have a break after a very demanding few months of work and being with DS is an enjoyable break for me.

Their mum often pursues her hobby on her wkends with them and they go to grandparents. It's sad cause they'll ask if they're seeing mummy at all at the wkends sometimes and say they never see her.

I know DP made the work choice he did and I honestly think he did the best thing for the DCs as no other job would let him collect them at 4pm twice a week BUT he turns down ALL social invites on the wkends the kids are here unless they are family things which the kids can go to.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/07/2016 18:16

Exactly, Me.

mixety · 12/07/2016 18:19

I have never got this notion of step parents (be they male or female) who say that the step kids aren't their responsibility... That just has broken down blended family written all over it IMO.

I think that is very closed minded. There are lots of different ways successful step families can work. Sometimes the stepparent is in a full time parental role having effectively replaced an absent mother or father, sometimes just a friendly but distant figure not seen that often. And tons of variations inbetween.

SatansLittleHelper2 · 12/07/2016 18:31

Worra, ok then.

He does 2 weeks.

His family does 2 weeks.

That leaves 2 and a bit for mum who is expecting to do nothing. ((Not forgetting the 5 overnights every fortnights )) Where's the.fairness in that ??

I feel sorry for these.kids, but mainly because their mum sounds disorganised and irresponsible !!

Twinkie1 · 12/07/2016 18:32

Looks like between you and DPs family you're already covering half the holiday, the rest is for her to cover/fund. Don't feel guilty, just say no.

Yambabe · 12/07/2016 18:48

I think zoobeedoo has it. If it was a neighbour or friend expecting the OP to have her kids for any part of the holidays just because she works term-time only would you think she was being unreasonable to refuse?

Just because the person asking is her DP's exW it doesn't become any less of a cheek.

OP has made her work choices to suit her own lifestyle. She has already compromised that to an extent to be with her DP and provide shared care when the DSC are with them ("them" being key here)

How DP and his Ex split holiday childcare is between them and isn't really relevant to what the OP is asking, which is essentially "should I be expected to provide free childcare for someone/anyone just because I work term time only?" . OP has no more obligation to cover any slack there than she does to a relative stranger.

OP YANBU

starry0ne · 12/07/2016 19:00

I can't understand why you are getting a hard time here..

RP mum is off on holiday.. so has found time for summer break..She has not covered a single week herself.. Half holidays are covered by Grandparents.. 2 weeks by dad ( and Op) mum ????

m0therofdragons · 12/07/2016 19:04

To me holidays should be 50/50 split and dh needs to organise and pay for childcare or holiday clubs on his days.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 19:08

Why are people saying holidays should be 50/50 when we have a 70/30 arrangement in place?

I don't get it.

She doesn't want us to have kids 50/50 as it means no maintenance for her. But in the holidays she wants us to so she doesn't have to pay for holiday clubs.

How does this make sense?

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 19:12

That's annoying OP. She shouldn't be able to have it both ways.

applesvpears · 12/07/2016 19:13

I always think about how it might work if they were still together. Would she then expect him to do the holidays?
I agree that she gets Maintenance and should not expect you to look after them. Fathers get a raw deal sometimes.

BusStopBetty · 12/07/2016 19:13

No, you shouldn't provide childcare unless you want to do so. The parents need to organise it between them, whether he that means booking holiday themselves, roping in family (as they have done), or doing what the rest of us do and find paid for childcare.

It's very generous of you to have the children when you do. I bet she's not offering to have your children in return?

I also think it's unfair to snipe as the husband for taking a less flexible job after redundancy. Christ on a bike, the bloke took the first job he could to ensure he could still afford to feed and clothe his children. If he hadn't then everyone would be complaining that he should have taken the first job rather than holding out for a better deal.

peggyundercrackers · 12/07/2016 19:36

Yanbu and should not be covering her 4 weeks of the holidays. You have a 70/30 agreement in place and the ex should be covering 70% of holidays. If she doesn't want to do this tell her you will reduce maintenance payments and will have the kids the amount she is asking you to have them for, I'm sure her attitude will change. Or maybe your DP can give his job up and stop paying maintenance and see how she gets on.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 19:37

Yeah - we could afford "our" life without DPs salary but not maintenance payments so it was essential he found something as we didn't want the kids to be unsupported at all. To be honest it's a tough job market in what he does and he's been lucky to have something that still allows him to do the school drop and collect he's committed to.

If they were still together the kids would probably be in holiday club. By DP's admission (not proudly) he parents his kids more and better than he did when they were together.

OP posts:
limon · 12/07/2016 19:38

Yanbu - they are his responsibility. He should be paying 50% of childcare costs on top of maintenance.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 19:48

Again - why do people think dads should pay 50% of holiday costs on top of maintenance?

If we have a 70/30 arrangement in place and pay accordingly, why are we also expected by many on here to pay for 50% of holiday care?

OP posts:
Griphook · 12/07/2016 19:48

ex uses her and dps family members so doesn't have any childcare costs in the holiday
So who arranges for the ex oil to look after the children? It may well be the ex who asked the parents meaning the dp hasn't really sorted anything.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 19:56

It was ex who asked DPs family (who she doesn't communicate with apart from to ask for childcare.)

We had no idea of this until DPs mum said she'd been asked to look after the kids for a week and was worried about it (due to age etc) but didn't feel she could say no. We assured her she could but ex had already told kids she was going to ask nanna so nanna didn't want to say no.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 19:57

DP said he'd use childcare vouchers to pay for holiday club so his mum didn't have to feel she had to have them - and that then she could maybe just have them for a couple of hours a day - but his mum didn't want to do that as she was worried her grandkids would think she didn't want to see them

OP posts:
user7755 · 12/07/2016 19:59

It wouldn't really bother me to work out percentages and who was doing what when but I would absolutely have the kids for an extra week.

Three weeks with all of you and three weeks with just DS. You are all a family and it's not like by having the whole family for an extra week you end up with no 1:1 time.

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