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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
GoldQuintessenceAndMyrrh · 12/07/2016 20:01

How old are these kids?

You mention getting them up, bathing them, feeding them, etc... You have been living with your partner for more than 3 years, but it sounds like you are talking about toddlers? Do people still bathe school age children daily?

123therearenomoreusernames · 12/07/2016 20:06

The way I see it OP has reduced her hours and her salary so she can spend more time with her own child. Exwife works full time and therefore brings home a full time salary. This is her choice. However she is jealous of new wife's part time hours and thinks she should child mind for free. I am not suprised OP said no.

If kids lived with op then it would be different.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 12/07/2016 20:11

I would agree to have the kids more, be Ll reasonable, their dad can pick them up after work and then drop them off next morning.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 12/07/2016 20:15

So to summarise.

6 weeks school holidays.

Dad and OP have them for two weeks.
Dad's family have them for two weeks.
Mum's family have for one week.

That makes 5 weeks.

If the Op has them for another week then mum won't have them at all.

To be honest it looks to me that it is their mum who can't be bothered with them, not their step mum.

Lelloteddy · 12/07/2016 20:16

So he has concerns about his elderly mother looking after the kids but not strong enough concerns to actually do anything about it? Hmm

user7755 · 12/07/2016 20:23

Mumoftwo - you may well be right but IMHO that's a side issue. As far as the kids are concerned (including OP's DS) it's about them having some good quality family time - arguments and ill feeling about who does how much and when can be had privately or later. Rather than allowing that to spoil the experience I would prefer to make the most of it. I think summer holidays are really important, we only get 11 in their lifetime - my approach is to make the most of it.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 20:29

The OP said that the father has the children 35% of the time, the mum 65% of the time.
There are 13 weeks of school holidays, only half are in the Summer.
No mention of what happens in the other 50% of the school holidays (well I sort of lost the whole story but I don't think so).
I don't see how anyone can decide the mother doesn't care if she already has them 65% of the time.
The arguments are over the 6/7 weeks Summer holidays. It's unfair to look at this short period and not an entire year.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 20:29

The op has already said how she wants to make the most of it though. She wants some quality time with her son.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 20:33

lell - his concern is that he doesn't want his mum to be shattered. Not that the kids won't be safe / care for.

He offered to have them in holiday club at his expense so she didn't have to have them but she wants to. Jesus wept didn't you read that part????

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 20:36

I'm comfortable we are doing our fair share and I don't want to do more than I already am as I want time for me and DS.

Their mum had a very flexible set up (part time and lots of home working) in her old job and opted for a new one. Now she can't manage her half of the holidays that isn't my problem.

I feel sad for the kids but I've opted to keep my career as it is so I can be around for my DS. She opted to work full time (without financial need) so will need to source childcare for her kids on her time.

OP posts:
user7755 · 12/07/2016 20:42

That's really sad for the kids, all of them.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 20:43

iloveberries I really doubt you know the complete ins and outs of another woman's family, so it is exceedingly judgmental you are now claiming she doesn't need to work full time. You just lost my respect for that comment and your constant "I" word is extremely annoying. You have chosen to have the set-up you have and that means these children are in your life, but YOU have stated quite clearly you don't want to compromise YOUR time.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 20:44

This is another thread where it shows the benefits of people's different lifestyle choices. This time it works in the OP's favour rather than her DP's ex. Swings and roundabouts.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 20:47

life
My comment was because I was waiting for everyone to tell me she might need to worl full time as a single parent.

Her financial choices are hers alone. But they are CHOICES. I know she is mortgage free (or has savings to be mortgage free), I know she has a decent pension pot and I know roughly what she earns.

This is only relevant because she made the CHOICE to pursue an interesting career which meant full time work whereas I made the CHOICE to put my career on an even keel for several years so I could be around for DS.

Her CHOICE means she has fewer childcare options.

OP posts:
lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 20:51

If these kids live anywhere near me, I'll take them in. I don't care about the lack of ME time. I'd take them in because raising 2 children with 65% care and a full time job, I doubt very much the mum is choosing full time work as a lifestyle choice as you claim.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 20:53

Oh how lucky you, there is the "I" word again.
You're not a single parent.
You don't have majority care of 2 children alone.
You have no appreciation of the difference between YOU and HER.
You are such a bloody saint aren't you?

Ratbagcatbag · 12/07/2016 20:59

I honestly feel like I've entered the twilight zone. Step parents always seem to be able to do no right.

If it's a 70/30 split (and maintenance is based on that) then holiday should be the same. As they have previously covered 50/50 they have tried to accommodate so even based on what a pp fairly suggested of dads family being classed as a week for him and a week for ex wife, dad has covered three weeks. Absolutely the other three weeks are mums responsibility. She's got one week covered by dads family, one week by her parents and now needs to sort a week. Her problem.
Maintenance should be used to cover childcare costs if they fall on mums times. Dad should pay on days he can't cover but as he's covered it's a simple no. Confused

We used to have DSS on weds pm/thurs am (tea for other nights too) in the holidays we used to cover childcare costs for the Thursdays if we had to use it. We used to cover two weeks of the holidays. One week away, then one week through summer camps. We paid (pay) well more than any csa requirement so why should we have paid extra and any Thursday's we couldn't cover (which added up to another week of childcare costs).

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 21:00

I presume you are planning to stay with your DP permanently? If so, then these children and the adults they grow into will be in your lives for as long as you live. They will be biologically connected to you through your new baby, and the three children will be entitled to a relationship with each other no matter what. Yet this is all about your quality time with their step sibling and a feeling about what is fair between you and their mother. It's like you feel you only have a certain stake in their lives and are not prepared to do any more than is contractually required of you. But kindness and human relationships do not work like that Sad.

minipie · 12/07/2016 21:00

Why are people saying holidays should be 50/50 when we have a 70/30 arrangement in place?

Because until this year, when your DP changed job, holidays were split 50/50.

So that's what the DC, and the exW, are used to and expect.

I know that wasn't a formally agreed arrangement, and perhaps it doesn't fit with the 70/30 maintenance, but it is what happened up to this year, so it's the next best thing to an agreed arrangement.

And now your DP wants to change it. Fine - but he needs to discuss the change with exW, not just assume she will pick up the extra.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 21:01

Oh Saint - give the aggro a break. Now you're just projecting your situation onto this thread. She isn't you.

OP posts:
user7755 · 12/07/2016 21:02

Penguin - you are absolutely spot on.

Cosmo111 · 12/07/2016 21:03

My ex only has my DS one week in the summer holidays for several years. When I've been working I've had to use annual leave or my DM and DF helped. Despite me repeatly meantioning how over stretched I am over the holidays he hasn't offered but accepted another week at Easter. His DW is a primary school teacher they have no DC but I don't think it's down to her to provide childcare to cover the school holidays for my ex nor would I ask her.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 21:05

mini - last summer was 50/50 but overall holidays were at 70/30.

i do a LOT more for the kids than is "contractually" required of me... I said early on that I did PD days/snow days/sick days/helped out when ex had to change plans due to meetings.

I think this is just a "step-parents can't win" situation....

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 12/07/2016 21:05

What's wrong with the I word?

Are women whose partners have children no longer allowed to refer to themselves in th3 first person?

My time is my time.

I will not have it spent for me by anyone else.

No way would I allow my precious time (and the money I was paying for it) to be used up bei g a childminder so another woman could work full time.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 12/07/2016 21:07

OP some people just can't stand to see a stepmum happy and to see things work for them. Hold your head high sweet Smile

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