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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 22:03

DP hasn't said his mum helping is his share.

Will you read the post where I've laid out who does what for the 14 weeks of school holidays?!

OP posts:
ABunchOfCups · 12/07/2016 22:04

I don't think you are unreasonable in saying no to providing childcare for your dp and his ex though OP. Flowers

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 22:06

Mother asks father to take kids 50% of holidays, I just cannot see what is wrong with that, other than the father is ending up passing on the care, instead of doing it himself to his girlfriend. Has the OP said SHE has been asked to look after the kids by the mother or has the mother asked the father to do his 50% that he currently hasn't done, currently he is doing 33% of it only.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 22:13

The best solution I can see is for the father to invoke his right to unpaid parental leave and do his 50% share of care and look after his own children for the 1 or 2 weeks whatever you are arguing over or for him to pay for them to go to child care during the day on those days if he doesn't want to take time off work and then you'll just have the step kids in the evenings.

Everytimeref · 12/07/2016 22:15

So if it was the mothers parent who is looking after the children for two weeks and the father had arrange this and was also having his children for two weeks, who would be liable to sort the rest then, or as long as rp has sorted some chidcare nrp is liable for the rest??
Sorry but I wouldnt be quilt tripped into providing free childcare.

DoinItFine · 12/07/2016 22:16

when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them.

^^ from the OP

I think the problem.yiu have here is that this woman considers your time to be resource at her disposal.

This issue has arisen because she has increased her working hours.

It is very unusual for children with two full time working parents not to spend any time in holiday clubs.

ABunchOfCups · 12/07/2016 22:19

DP hasn't said his mum helping is his share.

Sorry, I was to say in he did say that, I was replying to someone who said your dp has arranged 66 percent of the care for the summer holidays, there's a lot of posts saying your dp has sorted for his family to look after the kids when he hasn't. His Mum is helping because his ex has asked for the help during the four weeks she has them.

Would it be worth sorting a proper formal contact roster out with her? Sounds like it would be best for everyone because I wouldn't be surprised if you don't get asked more and more as you're on maternity leave. A formal agreement might stop the childcare issue coming up all the time?

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 22:19

I think many people are missing the point here.

Here is what is said time and time again

His contact time, his responsibility
It has to work the other way round too.

The OP and her DP have done as much as they can with childcare over the holidays, it doesn't matter if it's his parents. The NRP in this case has a court ordered 30% he is meeting this - I expect the reason the DC mother is wanting his parents to look after them in her home has something to do with maintenance payments if I am completely honest.

The OP is just saying she wants some quality time alone with her son and why would anyone be so bloody nasty to her because of this is beyond me!

lifeisunjust you live on another planet if you think all people can just take unpaid leave!

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 22:20

We don't know what the mother's motivation is, she is not here to answer, but we know the father is not taking care / arranging care of his own children for 50% holidays only 33% and doesn't want to look after his own children to make up to the 50%. It really shouldn't be difficult to see who is in the wrong here.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 22:22

I live on the same planet as you. I know plenty of people who take parental leave. It's a right under an EU directive, the UK chose 18 weeks for under 18s. You need I think to give 1 month's notice. No permission needed, just the notice time. That's exactly what the leave is intended for.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 12/07/2016 22:28

yeah, most people know what carers leave is!
The reason people don't take much of it is not because we don't know about it, but because we can't afford that much unpaid leave.

DinosaursRoar · 12/07/2016 22:28

Lifeisjustunfair - I would have thought the best solution is the ExW to book some paid for childcare for the school holidays as she hasn't been able or willing to take any time off. 3 weeks are covered by various grandparents, 2 weeks by the dad, 1 week left and the Mum has to pay or take off time.

Granted, if in the past between the 2 parents and grandparents they've been able to juggle care so they've not had to pay for care it might be a bit of a shock to have to pay for childcare, but most working parents who don't work 'term time only' accept they'll have to pay for at least some care and plan for it.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 22:28

kittens I never thought of that but just looked up the maintenance nights per year thing and yes you're right - if his relatives had them at ours it would push the nights into a section which meant maintenance would go down! Interesting.

OP posts:
Everytimeref · 12/07/2016 22:31

So why is NRP liable for 50/50 childcare in the holidays but has to accept 70/30 split during term time?
Either the contact is split 50/50 or 70/30. RP'S can't pick and chose when it suit.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 22:32

Has anyone asked the children how they would like to spend this unplanned week of the holiday?

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 22:32

He is working away and a lot of people can't just take unpaid leave. From what the OP has said his job is very important as it is the reason he is in a position to pay maintenance.

There is six weeks of holiday and whilst it is his parents helping out there seems to be a lot on the father and his family. The mother who has a husband (if I remember correctly) isn't wanting IMO any time with her children over this holiday period and there is one week left in which they are not being cared for that she wants her children to be away from her home. OP is expected to pick up this. Why should she sacrifice the time she wants with her own DC to be a nanny?

During the holidays the fathers court order custody doesn't change, but he has organised as much care as possible.

if the court order says he has 30% responsibility he is not responsible for the rest. His days his responsibility, her days her responsibility.

Sounds harsh but the court order doesn't state during summer holidays it turns to a 50/50 split.

And it certainly is NOT the OP responsibility

applesvpears · 12/07/2016 22:41

I have step children and although I like them and they are great kids. I wouldn't want to see them more and I do not miss them when they are not here. I do not feel motherly towards them either. That doesn't make me (or OP who clearly feels the same) a bad person, step parenting is not a choice and you can't help it if you fall for someone with kids (especially when you reach a certain age -people have baggage)
I prefer the weekend when the kids are not with us and it is just me, OH and our baby. So what? Step parents are not always second mummies, just daddies partner/wife whatever. I wonder if people against OP are actually step parents themselves.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 22:42

iloveberries I really feel for you

I was writing my long lost before you posted but I am always so very frustrated at the hatred towards step-mothers.

It seems a lot of times were just seen as standing in the background hating these inconvenient children...

Mycatsabastard · 12/07/2016 22:47

Pop over the to Step parenting section Op.

We are all lovely over there. Unlike some of this lot!!

RabbitSaysWoof · 12/07/2016 22:47

The children want to see their Mum more Penguins

RabbitSaysWoof · 12/07/2016 22:52

I wouldn't want my child to have a Step parent who claimed to miss them when they are with me and want them more, or need one to one with them.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 22:52

mycat very good idea indeed!

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 22:54

rabbit not sure if you express that in RL but to say a child can't bond with their step-Parent or not to want a step-parent to bond with the child is actually very harmful to the child

Craftylittlething · 13/07/2016 00:30

Op im a step parent but I still value and want time with my dd, this is normal. I find it utterly bizarre that your step children's mum has not organised a single week with her children in the holidays. I find it even more bizarre that people on this thread are giving you a hard time. Enjoy the two weeks with your blended family too and find a bit of time to look after yourself, put your feet up and enjoy your pregnancy.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/07/2016 00:55

Am I the only one who noticed that the OP said the exw is taking 2 weeks annual leave - but that she is using it to go away while OP and her DP look after the step kids?

To me this changes things considerably. Fair enough if you are struggling to cover holidays and would like some extra help to do so but if you could cover it yourself and have chosen not to by doing your own thing why should the OP step up? She has her own thing she wants to do ie quality time with her DC.

Why should what she wants have to be set aside for someone elses wants - Exw could cover childcare if she wanted to, she has chosen not to. That should be the end of it as far as I'm concerned.

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