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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
Banana99 · 13/07/2016 10:54

No I did - she can't do any right! Who would be a step parent when this is how you are treated -
Like free childcare.

Until X has to take 2 weeks off herself to be with her children in the holidays she's not in a position to make demands of anyone else.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 11:48

Drives me mad when people think of stepmums as free childcare/after school club etc.. Having been a SM myself I've had the displeasure of being expected to make my life revolve some other woman's life/work/schedule and her kid.

Footyfan16 · 13/07/2016 13:19

Having been a SM myself I've had the displeasure of being expected to make my life revolve some other woman's life/work/schedule and her kid.

Don't you mean your DP/DH's child? you know, the one you accepted when you embarked on a relationship with him?

Wow, if my children's step mother described my children as being 'her kid' I would not be impressed!

Lets hope your ex's partner treats your child/ren with a bit more respect.

cannotlogin · 13/07/2016 13:22

I've had the displeasure of being expected to make my life revolve some other woman's life/work/schedule and her kid

wow...says it all really, doesn't it?

how would you feel if someone spoke about your children in this way? do you refer to your partner's children as 'some other woman's kid' in front of him?

Cosmo111 · 13/07/2016 13:30

People are being massively unfair to OP it's not her responsibility to provide childcare. As I said further back my ex has my DS one week for the full year for years. He never offered to help out anymore. I recently after asking several times managed to get him to have DS a week at Easter aswell next year. I feel sometimes he thinks I don't want DS around but he just doesn't get it when you have so many AL is a struggle to cover holidays. His DW is a primary school teacher yes she could have DS more in the holidays but I respect its not her responsibility and I wouldn't dream of putting on her to do so.

user7755 · 13/07/2016 14:38

Hmm Did you mean to sound so awful meandmy?

Please don't think all step mums have such awful attitudes towards their step kids. Some of us actually love them, enjoy spending time with them and see them as much as part of the family as anyone else.

KittensandKnitting · 13/07/2016 14:56

footyfan and cannot that is one person who says they used to be a SM. Yes some women may very well feel like this but not all step-mums do.

As for the woman who posted that, you have just done a world of damage, if you RTFT you would see what a hard time the OP and other StepMums have got and you just added fuel to the fire - well done

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 16:33

I have been following the thread from the start.
I was just saying that a woman's work/life/schedule shouldn't be another woman's problem just because that woman is in a relationship with her ex, and that includes responsibilities towards her kids when they're meant to be with her. People have their own lives to get on with and SMs aren't an on call babysitting service for the mum.

Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 17:30

I see what meandmy was saying and think it probably came out harsher than she meant it.

I like and care for my "step kids" immensely but it isn't the same and when I am not with my Ds in the hols (if he's with his dad or something) then I will work. I specifically choose not to earn to spend time with my DS. And rightly or wrongly I would choose to work and earn rather than look after step kids. Their mum is choosing to do the same and nobody is criticsing her.

In stepfamilies relationships aren't all equal. My DP gets on famously with DS but I doubt he feels the same for him as his "own" kids and I think that's ok. Just as I don't expect DS to feel the same for my DP as he does for his own dad. Pretending stepfamilies are the same as "first" families is really naive from where I am coming from.

People talk about the step kids feeling pushed out when new baby comes along but nobody has mentioned a concern about my DS feeling pushed out if I choose to look after step kids in hols while their parents are at work. Classic example of how people ALWAYS put the 'poor stepchildren" first.

OP posts:
SidneyBristow · 13/07/2016 17:46

I can't understand why anyone would seriously think you should take on the responsibility of looking after your stepchildren for a week, when their own mum is not willing to do so? It isn't a case of not having leave, just that she wants to devote it to her own pursuits instead of spending holiday time with her children. Why is she allowed to choose how she spends her time, but ilove is some sort of grinch for doing the same?

user7755 · 13/07/2016 17:49

Absolute nonsense. First of all, in YOUR family all relationships aren't equal. I don't PRETEND that our relationships are equal, they are.

Why would your son feel pushed out because his siblings are spending time with him? That's total nonsense unless you feed him that line. As this thread shows it's rare for someone to put the 'poor stepchildren' first. The furthest it's gone is people expecting the kids to be treated equally, not as if they are a burden or an excuse for exes to have a bitch and moan at each other.

Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 18:44

user because my DS is used to having me all to himself and suddenly there are two others who I take care of.

You seriously don't get that?

But you understand how the step kids might feel pushed out by a baby?

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 18:48

The OP has already said that she treats the children equally when they are all with her. That's all she can be reasonably be expected to do.
And by saying "no" to having them for their mum during the holidays, that doesn't mean she's treating them unfavourably. The children have 2 households and when it is their mum's days to have them then the OP is under no obligation to have them for her, include them in her plans etc... She probably just gets on with her life and makes plans with her DS, as she is completely entitled to do so.

So the Op is treating the children equally and has done nothing wrong imo.

user7755 · 13/07/2016 19:04

He has you to himself for a large part of the holiday, he gets to spend time with the rest of his family in the other part of the holiday. I don't understand why spending some of your time with the rest of your family would lead to him feeling left out - if you manage it appropriately. Just like when new siblings come along every single day for millions of kids, parents approach it in a supportive way and the vast majority of those kids manage the transition without too much heartache.

The separation between the different parts of the family is not helpful and really justifies why step parents get a hard time on here. It's not easy, granted, but if you marry or have a serious relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship surely you understand that it needs to be managed with the kids (all of them) at the heart of it. If that means rising above selfish behaviour from exes, then so be it.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 19:19

Na I'm still in the it's not the OP's problem camp.

Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 19:45

Of course I understand the needs to manage the kids - I do that well.

The fact is we are doing our fair share and anything else should for me be optional.
I don't want to have my step kids for more than the 2 weeks we are having them. And the normal 4-5 nights per fortnight.

I don't want to be run ragged at the end of my pregnancy.

I want to spend time with my DS and do things that he likes, just him, rather than please everyone which is what we do the rest of the time (as when they're here all the kids are treated equally.)

Yes I.... I am going to put myself first for once as as a working mum, stepmum and partner I don't do that much.

As I said, I like and care for my step kids but the truth is it's easier and more enjoyable for me to just do things with DS so I will do that.

OP posts:
SylvieB74 · 13/07/2016 19:51

She's being a typical nightmare ex and a cheeky cow as well! If he's not even around most of the time either. You need time to yourself with your own, she can get s bloody child minder cheeky cow. You obvs already do enough for them as a 'step mum' tbh it's one of my paranoid 'things' being lumbered with other people's kids!

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 20:16

OP what is their mum going to do now then? Have you told her it's a no from you?

Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 20:28

Yes. And then got a very curt text back saying "doesn't matter I've sorted it anyway"

Good job I didn't change my plans to help out then...

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 20:32

Followed later the same day by a much warmer message asking me to please have them for an extra night each week in the summer holidays (when she knows DP is away with work) !

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 13/07/2016 20:41

Why does she want you to do that? What would she do if you weren't around and your DP was away working? I hope if you do do it for her she thanks you and is grateful for it.

DoinItFine · 13/07/2016 20:43

What did you say to that?

DoinItFine · 13/07/2016 20:44

You should ask her to babysit your DS since you're doing each other favours.

Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 21:15

I said I couldn't commit to it as I might be taking DS away to visit friends and relatives in the summer holidays (true) so couldn't guarantee being in the town we live in every X day.

My life is so routine and so run by work and family schedules that to have a few weeks where it isn't is amazing!

if she ever did a favour for us or was even vaguely compromising about things I'd be much more warm to helping her. But she doesn't. So I'm not. DP warned me after the first time I offered to have one of the DCs at home when they were ill (I was working at home) that she would take advantage of me and she has!

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveberries · 13/07/2016 21:15

There is no way I'd want my DS looked after by her!

Don't get me wrong, the kids are safe and she loves them but I don't respect her parenting.

OP posts:
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