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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 12/07/2016 16:21

YANBU. Absolutely not. Time with your first child is really precious, especially with another one on the way. You aren't a free babysitter. Of course you want to help/make the kids welcome/include them. But there are limits and she is taking the rip!

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 16:22

iloveberries my husband abandoned me to be a woman, look up what a narcissist is. He/she couldn't care less.
I don't mind having all the kids all the time, I am just surprised you are thinking you can have 1:1 when already there are 3 kids and another on the way. When you choose to have more than 1 child or hook up with someone with children, you do have to be realistic that your chances of 1:1 with every child in more than the odd few minutes a week is likely to be quite slim.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 16:23

Do we know the Dad sorted out childcare?

I used to arrange childcare myself with my ex MIL, so it may have nothing to do with the Dad, unless I missed the OP saying he sorted it all out (possible).

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 16:24

satanslittlehelper, you're talking about 7 weeks of 51 weeks, the father doesn't do his equal share of that, he does 35% of the 51 weeks, you cannot see these 7 weeks in isolation.

HopeArden · 12/07/2016 16:24

He ( or his family ) are already doing more than 50% of the summer childcare though.

Seems to me that he is going about his business and expecting you to do all the day to day stuff for his kids. If you weren't there, he would have to find and fund childcare for his dc. So that is what je ought to be doing.
Part time workers earn less money, have smaller pensions, reduced chances of career progression etc. Fine to choose this so you can look after your own dc, not fine to do it so you can provide childcare for 2 full time workers enjoying all the benefits of full time employment.

If the mum doesn't have enough annual leave to cover the remaining 2 weeks of the summer hols then she will have to sacrifice going away on her own and use her leave for childcare, like lots of working parents.

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 16:25

No - when they are with us 5 nights a fortnight he is here. But my comment was to the poster who said I should get to know them! I do

Yes - she often takes time off to pursue her hobby

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 16:30

So he only works away every other week?

In that case, he could surely have his kids for 3 weeks of the summer holidays and his ex could have them for the other 3 weeks, which is what many people have suggested.

If he cant get time off work or work from home, then surely he'd just do what all working parents do, and use childcare?

I feel this is going round in circles somewhat

minipie · 12/07/2016 16:31

iloveberries if a parent is planning to change job and as a result is expecting their ex to do more childcare than before, then yes that job change should be discussed with the affected parent.

I don't think that is at all unreasonable, in fact the opposite - it's unreasonable to take on a new job and then say to your ex "I have a new less flexible job so you now need to have the DC more".

If the job change does not affect the amount the other parent has to have the DC then no need to discuss with the ex.

Sounds like your DP should have discussed the impact on summers with his ex as he is now expecting her to take the DC for more time

I'm not saying the ex has to agree to his proposed job change but he should have at least warned her this was going to be the effect and tried to work out what they could do to minimise the impact on her and on DC.

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 16:34

She's not having the kids more.

His parents are.

She wants more time to herself which is basically why she's asking me

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/07/2016 16:35

I think I must be reading things differently to many here. It is clear to me that DH does what he can within limit of work so all his holiday time is given to his kids. on top of this he arranges for his family to go to their house to look after them too, the Op sees his kids a lot, shares their care with DH and this has been in agreement with kids mum so all happy, mum did not want to agree to 50/50 care. mum works full time but does not want to pay for childcare out of her maintenence for the kids so wants op to take on additional child care role when DH is not around simply because she only works part time (what would happen if op worked full time?). Nope not fair in my book. I agree with PP that kids are his responsibility and his ex, op is an additional support and does her fair share already, the remaining weeks / days that are not covered by DH, ex or family should be split 50/50 costwise and childcare found that is mutually convenient.

SocksRock · 12/07/2016 16:36

so you have them for 2 weeks. your in-laws have them for another 2 weeks. their Mum's parents have them for a week.

That leaves 1 week of the holidays for their Mum to cover herself.

and she wants you to cover that extra week? so she isn't actually having them for any of the holiday at all if you agree to cover it?

Cutecat78 · 12/07/2016 16:36

If he pays maintenance and she gets the tax credits then no he should not be paying half the childcare or having them half the holidays.

Guess it depends on how involved you want to be as a step-mum.

It would be nice to help out but you shouldn't feel you have to.

I am taking mine on holiday and my OH isn't even here

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 16:36

If anything her going to full time has meant we need to do more.

Should she have discussed this with us?

OP posts:

SatansLittleHelper2 · 12/07/2016 16:36

Lifeis - the op said her dp is doing 2 weeks of the summer and his family are doing 4 weeks

We will have them for 2 weeks in the holidays and 2 of his family members will have them for a week each (in her home at her request)

The op also says that whilst there are no formal arrangements in place they tend to do 50% of all the other holidays.

There isn't a formal plan in place for holidays it we've tended to do 50% of Easter, Christmas and half terms and 2 weeks in the summer

The ops partner has more than covered his share of the holidays. The kids mum needs to sort out her half now too.

Original poster

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 16:37

Good summary stepaway

OP posts:

minipie · 12/07/2016 16:37

^If anything her going to full time has meant we need to do more.

Should she have discussed this with us?^

Yes.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 16:40

Do you see your home as your step children's home, or do you see them as living elsewhere and visiting your dp sometimes in the home that belongs to you, him and your children?

I am completely baffled that this discussion has essentially turned into a contracting discussion between adults based on percentages of what is 'fair' for them and their free time or time to devote weeks to one child of three.

As a child who was shuttled between two homes, I can tell you that the reality of it for the children in that position does not look at all fair, no matter what percentages are agreed. Especially not if the various adults appear to see you as a burden . They did not ask for this. Add another baby in alongside an existing step-sibling whose needs are prioritised over theirs, and both of whom get to live with their dad full time when they do not. As they grow to be teenagers I fear you will have interesting times ahead.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 16:42

Why is it automatically assumed that because the paternal grandparents/family are doing 1 week each, that somehow means the Dad has done his bit?

The OP hasn't said her DP arranged for this to happen.

If I arranged childcare with my ex inlaws, that would mean my ex husband had done precisely nothing.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 16:45

Paternal grandparents doing 2 weeks 24/7 including shopping laundry organising etc etc? Or paternal grandparents looking after children for the hours the mother is out at work with her still picking up majority of domestic shift work that comes with two children living in the house?

charlestonchaplin · 12/07/2016 16:45

PenguinsAreAce
How about this, how would you feel if you discovered that your father and mother were arguing about who had to look after you for half you summer hols because your step mum did not want to look after you? Get to know them, get to love them, include them in your lives. You have chosen to be with this man, who has two kids, and to have a child with him. This is what you chose.

How about when you can't make your relationship work, for yourself or your children, don't look to someone else to sort out the mess you've made of your children's lives.

Interesting how a step-mother's time, energy and money are always demanded and expected to be given freely, whilst they are expected to be ecstatic with a few measly crumbs in return occasionally. And of course they should never be involved in any meaningful decisions regarding their stepchildren. Stepmotherhood is for mugs. I notice there's little concern for the OP's child who is only slightly higher than his mother in the pecking order. All the members of the 'first family' take priority, even the ex!

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 16:49

Any parent's time, energy and money are demanded and expected to be given freely.

The OP's child does figure. However, that child is now one of three (soon to be four), thanks to the mother's decision to have a relationship and then move in with someone with 2 children.

I have four children. Compromise is constant. Demands are constant, juggling is constant. 1-2-1 time is small and carved out. This applies equally to me and DH. It is the reality of choosing a large family, which is what the OP and her DP have done.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 16:52

I also agree that both the ex's job change and the DP's job change should have been discussed in advance if they would impact on arrangements in caring for the children. Naturally the DP should have included the OP in these conversations. I would have thought this was completely obvious .

RandomMess · 12/07/2016 16:54

I would turn it back on her and explain that you are happy to have the DC 50:50 over whole year with more being in the school holidays and reduce maintenance accordingly....

I think her answer will tell you what you need to know!

mixety · 12/07/2016 16:59

YANBU.

I can't see how it can be argued otherwise.

Surely it is a technicality whether she or he asked his family to do childcare. Even if you split the difference and say OK, the 2 weeks his family are doing should be seen as 1 for him (as it is his family ) and 1 for her (as she asked them to do it) that still means dad/his family is looking after them for 3 weeks, which is half the holidays isn't it?

At best as a compromise position I'd say OP could offer one or two days childcare at times that suit her, and/or dad could offer to contribute to a holiday club or similar while kids are with mum and she's at work.

lifeisunjust · 12/07/2016 17:03

RandomMess, that is an excellent suggestion. I cannot see any parent objecting to a reduction in maintenance in these circumstances. Whilst costs don't go down in line with weeks, they do reduce as less food, sharing of child care costs, after school clubs etc. I would expect the mother to be happy to share more. At the moment she does 65%, so this argument over 7 weeks of the 51 weeks is very short sighted, the child is alive 51 weeks a year.

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