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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

276 replies

iloveberries · 12/07/2016 13:48

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

OP posts:
WannaBe · 12/07/2016 17:05

I have never got this notion of step parents (be they male or female) who say that the step kids aren't their responsibility... That just has broken down blended family written all over it IMO.

TBH I see this from two points of view. As a parent and an ex, it would never occur to me to say to my eXH that his DP should look after my child. If I needed him to go to his dad's then we would need to discuss it, but the arrangements for when he is there are not for me to question. If DS spent that time with his DP instead of him then that is their arrangement.

However, if my DP started telling me that my child is not his responsibility then he wouldn't be my DP for very long. And I can just imagine the thread if a poster posted that their DP had told them her kids are not his problem/responsibility when she needed some help. The chorus of LTB would take over the thread.

So while I don't think the ex is reasonable to insist that OP look after her children, I do think that the OP, who is currently pregnant with said children's sibling, is unreasonable for insisting that they are not her problem and he needs to make his own arrangements. Harmony will never be created that way.

mixety · 12/07/2016 17:06

And surely it's a red herring to say it would be awful for the stepkids to know it was being argued about who should be looking after them. Firstly, tbere is nothing in this thread to suggest that they do know or are being treated as in any way unwanted by their parents. Secondly, there are loads of threads about 'together' families with the mum complaining about taking all the time off when a child is sick / doing more than her fair share of child care and child-related chores, and everyone sympathises and says the dad (usually) needs to step up because it isn't fair. No one says how awful it would be if the child knew it was being argued about who should look after them more.

Childcare and who does it is an issue in together families too, it just becomes even more complicated in separated ones.

charlestonchaplin · 12/07/2016 17:06

There are no vows or commitments made when entering into a relationship with a parent. No-one gets to decide what you should or shouldn't have to do, unless your partner is delivering an ultimatum. When these relationships break down, as they often do, you may be left not only with a profound sense of having been used and abused, but also with a feeling that you you have cheated your natural-born children, in trying to be fair to someone else's.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 17:09

mixety, it still means during the 2 weeks the paternal family look after the kids (at their Mum's house), their Dad is doing precisely nothing in the way of caring for them, so no I don't think any difference can be split.

Besides, the Mum will still have to do all the after school stuff like homework/dinners/baths/bedtimes and then the before school stuff too (probably).

JacquesHammer · 12/07/2016 17:11

I think OP is being a bit misunderstood here.

The OP's family have sorted 4 weeks of holiday childcare. That is more than half. I don't think it is reasonable to expect that OP does MORE childcare for the ex-wife.

Sometimes if Ex-H can't do one of his contact nights and we can't find a swap, step-mum will have DD. I wouldn't expect her to do childcare for me on extra nights though, that is my responsibility.

The father/mother of a child in such an arrangement as the OP should sort 50% of the childcare each. If one half has family support and therefore gets it free, they shouldn't have to subsidise the other half.

mixety · 12/07/2016 17:15

But how is he supposed to care for them if he is working away? Unless you say the answer is in him giving up his job - meaning no money to pay maintenance until he finds a new one, which is hardly being a responsible parent either.

He is already using all his annual leave to look after his children. Any solution he could put in place to liberate his ex from looking after the children would not equal him looking after them himself.

DixieNormas · 12/07/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 17:18

mixety he only works away every other week - so that'll be 3 weeks out of the 6 holiday weeks.

Everytimeref · 12/07/2016 17:20

I work term time only and get similar requests from ex. I say no and my husband agrees.

When they split up. He wanted 50/50 care she said no, so he covers holidays in the same proportion as he has contact during term time. Sorry but but rp cant pick and chose when 50/50 care is acceptable (when rp might have to pay childcare) and then say its not aprropriate (when it would impact maintenance)

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 17:25

everytime - where have you been all this thread?

OP posts:
mixety · 12/07/2016 17:26

So assuming the 1-2 remaining uncovered weeks of holidays fall within time he is not working away, he should organise childcare/OP to look after them and have them at his home?

PenguinsAreAce · 12/07/2016 17:31

"I have never got this notion of step parents (be they male or female) who say that the step kids aren't their responsibility... That just has broken down blended family written all over it IMO."

This.

charlestonchaplin · 12/07/2016 17:34

Who decided the families are to be blended? You? People organise their lives in different ways. It is not up to you or anyone else to decide for them.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 17:36

So assuming the 1-2 remaining uncovered weeks of holidays fall within time he is not working away, he should organise childcare/OP to look after them and have them at his home?

He should organise childcare like any other working parent.

It just seems that everyone else here including the OP, is expected to jump in and bail him out.

Noodledoodledoo · 12/07/2016 17:38

No one seems to be asking what childcare mum is going during the holidays. Dome seem to think op should do all 6 weeks? I also seem to be reading a different thread.

If they were at childminders or summer camps she would have to to day to day. Op are you still having them the normal 5 days a fortnight as well?

By my accounting she has one week not covered but has chosen to take a holiday when op and dp have kids so has run out of leave seems poor planning on her part.

whirlwinds · 12/07/2016 17:38

Child care support in this country should cover the added childcare. There may even be students looking for a summer job, hire them as a suggestion to dsc's mum? As a step mum myself a have also gone to great lengths for dsd but I do have a limit and say no when needed. This is not ops problem.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 17:39

everytime quite agree too.

iloveberries think some of the things being said to you are very unfair, it is obvious you care about your stepchildren to me and that you just want to have some time with your own DC which is fair enough in my opinion.

I am a "step" mum, DC live with us 100% of the time and I was very much adopted from early on (haven't seen their mother for over 3 years) and I have chosen to be adopted and therefore over the summer as I don't work I will look after the children, but that is MY choice. I really don't like the step-mum bashing followed by the "you knew what you were getting into" as no you don't! It's like all parenting some curve ball will soon enough come and bash you on the arse, but I've always thought of that as parenting.

I would have thought if you have court ordered custody for 70/30 then it is just that, holidays don't change that, I'm sure there wouldn't be a reduction in maintenance if your DP had them more, and unless I'm reading this incorrectly it is very much that his ExW doesn't want you to just look after during the day so she can work and your sat at home twiddling your thumbs (not that this is any of her business) she wants you to have them for the entire week a week when it is actually her court ordered responsibility? So you and he actually are quite within your rights to say no, or get a change in court-order.

If it's her time, she sorts out childcare
If it's his time he sorts out childcare

It really should be this simple (although in our case DC mother always has "plans" come up for the five hours a month she is supposed to have them, hence we don't even think about it anymore)

If it's a case of the weeks being jumbled about a bit and they agree to swap weeks, great but ultimately this is not your responsibility unless you choose it to be.

I really hope you get some quality time with your DC, and as long as the children are oblivious to this then I can't see how it will ever effect them.

SatansLittleHelper2 · 12/07/2016 17:42

No he shouldnt have to cover the rest of the holidays, he's covered 4 weeks already. Where does the kids mum come into all this ??

Notagainmun · 12/07/2016 17:43

I think you do enough OP. You are there for them during their Father's days. Why should you provide childcare for the Mother's days. Your in laws are providing child care during Mother's days so I don't see why you should have to give up your one on one time with your own children. Poor stepchildren though they must feel that they are a nuisance., but that is not your doing.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2016 17:46

How has he covered 4 weeks??

His family are covering 2 weeks, not him.

We don't even know if he arranged for that to happen either. It could be sod all to do with him, what his ex arranged with them.

Original poster
iloveberries · 12/07/2016 17:47

Yes in the summer hols they will have their normal 5 overnights a fortnight with us too.

OP posts:
JapanNextYear · 12/07/2016 17:51

OP you are getting a really unjustified hard time on here.

expatinscotland · 12/07/2016 17:52

YANBU. Your partner's career choices are made possible by your providing childcare he should be providing and that includes the pick-ups, drop-offs, tidying, laundry, bedtimes, meal prep and clean up, etc.

RandomMess · 12/07/2016 17:53

Basically their Mum can't have it both ways - she doesn't want 50:50 on paper, she wants 50:50 by stealth when it suits her.

30:70 in term time then 90/10 in the holidays sort of arrangement...

DixieNormas · 12/07/2016 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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