To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

[iloveberries]

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

[TheAnswerIsYes]

YANBU. If you wanted to be a childminder you would become one and get paid for it. It sounds like you already do a lot with the children and support your DP with them.

[Babyroobs]

Your DP should pay half towards the childcare costs during the holidays. If you then choose to help your household finances ( assuming your finances are all joint) by doing some of the holiday childcare then that is up to you but shouldn't be taken for granted. If I was in a relationship and money was tight I would help out if I wre at home anyway to save the household money, but each to their own.

[PenguinsAreAce]

So four children, four parents and three separate homes are involved here. You would think the adults involved would have thought long and hard about the needs of all children involved before embarking on a serious relationship, moving in with a new partner, changing jobs, bring another half-sibling into the mix. Big sensible practical discussions about arrangements and finance. Do people not do this?

[lifeisunjust]

So the father has the children about 35% of the time and you are complaining about his children being at your home whilst he works? Whilst the mother has the children about 65% of the time?
Irrelevant you've added the word MAINTENANCE there, do you see that as justification your partner has them less?
And your son is fathered by another father, not your partner? Well then that father should have him 50% of the time too as a starting point.

This is what happens when you have children with multiple partners I'm afraid. The basis of all these children's care should start at 50%. That starts with your partner finding a solution for his children, especially since he only has them 35% of the time.

You have chosen to have children with 2 different fathers. Your partner has chosen to do the same. How the heck can you complain you don't have enough 1:1 with your son not with your partner? Your choice to have a child with a person who has 2 other children. That means those children should have equal time with both parents, in an ideal situation, but don't currently.

You are being unreasonable, not complaining about looking after step-children but putting your son before 2 other children who ARE part of your life because you are having another child with their father.

Your partner is being unreasonable too. Unpaid parental leave. He needs to take responsibility for his actions of fathering 3 children/

[lifeisunjust]

BTW mum of 4 kids, the last time I had 1:1 was when I had 1 child. The reality is when there are multiple children, getting 1:1 can be a long time waiting!

[iloveberries]

life - is unpaid parental leave a legal right? I didn't think so.

It's very normal in lots of families for separated parents not to have 50/50 care.

He discussed 50/50 with his ex and she said she didn't want it, didn't think it would be good for the kids and so we left it. It works for us to have what we have and it seemed to work for her and the kids too.

[iloveberries]

life maybe your DP should step up and take 3 kids out so your kids can each get some 1:1 time?

[Ratbagcatbag]

Yanbu and you shouldn't have to pay extra childcare in the holidays either.
Six weeks of holidays. Two weeks with their dad. Two weeks with family members that are on your dh's side. She now needs to find cover for two weeks of the holidays. If you can't have them she needs to pay for them to go into the relevant childcare and sort out. Why should your dh pay more when he's already covering two weeks on his own and his family is sorting another two weeks.

[minipie]

My DP was made redundant from his last job and this was the best option. He is away most of the week but able to pick his DC up from school once or twice a week depending on the week. Any other job wouldn't allow this. The trade off is the being away from home. We opted to keep the balance for his DCs.

Did your DP discuss this with exW when making the decision? Because he should have.

In past years he has taken on 50% of the holiday childcare so if he was planning to take on a job which wouldn't allow for this any more then he should have discussed with exW. He should have pointed out that working away would mean he couldn't do as much holiday childcare, but would mean he could pick up DCs (and be employed!).

Hopefully his exW would have agreed that it was sensible to take the job and the trade off would be that she'd have them more in the holidays.

But it sounds like he didn't discuss it with her, he just took the job. And now he's expecting her to do more holiday childcare by default. And she can legitimately say "nope, 50% is your usual, you sort it".

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

She did sort childcare to cover her holiday.
She chose to go during a time she had arranged for the other parent to be caring for the children.

[minipie]

Exactly Needs

It is completely fair for her to assume that he will do 50%. A) He has always done 50% in the past before the job change and B) he is still 50% of his DCs' parents.

[iloveberries]

my DP should discuss his career options with his ex.

Now I've heard it all.

With his new job she isn't required to have the kids any more than she was before.

[madeupmummylife]

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable!
From what you've said, you and your partner have them for 2 weeks; his family also have them for 2 weeks. She's trying to take advantage of your situation and it isn't fair - she should at least be able to look after her children for the other 2 weeks of the holiday! Assuming they do only get 6 weeks like other schools in the UK?
Also, with the child maintenance - if she's pushing for 50/50 all the time, even through the term time then surely that means you shouldn't have to pay anything to her as you have to provide when they're in your home? I'd just run it past her if she expects you to have them 2/3rds of the holidays then surely payments to her stop and she'll have to folk out maintenance payments to you?

[madgingermunchkin]

As a step child, your attitude is awful. My step mother was never happy about having me in "her" house (I spent ONE week with them in the summer) and it is one of the reasons that I have an estranged relationship with my father. And occasionally it was just us alone when my father would have to travel for work.

You chose to get involved with a man knowing he had children with someone else. You should have thought about this before decided to add another innocent child into the mix. This is not a "us and them" situation, these children are a part of your family whether you like it or not.

[user1468330875]

"I don't see this relationship going the distance if you have the attitude that you have YOUR son, he has HIS kids and then you are having one together"

The reason I said this is because (maybe mistakenly) I found the OP's attitude very strange in the way her son was described as HER's and his kids were described as HIS. As the OP is pregnant with her DP's child I would have thought that they were a settled family unit and she wouldn't have separated them out as much. Perhaps I was wrong or misunderstood.

The OP needs to suggest to her DP that this is the last summer that she will be able to spend with her son on his own as next year obviously the baby will be here.

I think that maybe the OP has ruled this out but can't the DP's kids be enrolled into a holiday club for the summer and their mother will have to make arrangements to fetch them and drop them off, which is what she would have to do if the DP had remained a single man.

Also the OP could say that she has not been feeling great due to the pregnancy and maybe that she does not feel that she could cope with looking after 3 kids all day and being pregnant?

[iloveberries]

I'm not worried about what to say to her as "our" family has the kids over 50% of the holidays. I like to be reasonable though and have gone over an above before.

She FREQUENTLY messages saying that DP should be spending time just with his kids and not with me and DS too so his kids get quality time so surely she would understand why I would want to do the same I don't think she'd have the front to question me on it to be honest

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

You've presumably made career decisions you might not otherwise have made in order to work term time. DP and his ex need to sort out their holiday childcare between them, you are not their babysitter.

[minipie]

Yes, your DP does need to discuss his career options with his ex IF it alters the amount he can have the kids.

You say it doesn't alter the amount she has the kids. But in your OP you said she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

I don't understand. If the kids are at yours less, then surely they are at hers more? What am I missing?

[minipie]

Oh hang on I think I get it - is DP's family making up the extra time that he now can't spend with them due to new job?

If so then YANBU. She's not having them any more than she was so she can stop complaining.

[iloveberries]

Sorry if I wasn't clear.
It affects it in the summer as he could work at home before and they could be here. He's away now so I would have to have them.

It doesn't affect the arrangement at any other time except the 6 week holiday for which we are having them 2 weeks, his family 2 weeks, her family 1 week

[iloveberries]

They're with grandparents more.
She has also changed her job from part time to full time and moved companies. Should she have discussed this with DP?

[bigbluebus]

Did I read that she has taken annual leave to go away on holiday without the children and now expects you to pick up the extra childcare? Child free holidays are not something that most working parents of school age/pre-school children get to have the luxury of. It would be a big fat NO from me on that basis alone.

[Littlefatfroggy]

Surely if maintenance is paid on a 30/70 basis then the mother had the kids for 70% of the time or maintenance costs change. I thought maintenance was calculated on a per night basis.

[WorraLiberty]

My DP was made redundant from his last job and this was the best option. He is away most of the week but able to pick his DC up from school once or twice a week depending on the week.

I do spend time with them, they are with us 5 nights a fortnight and in that time They get a lot from me physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise.

So you and the DC's Mum are responsible for the majority of childcare.

No wonder your DP could say yes to a job that takes him away from home so much.

I doubt you or his ex would be able to be so carefree jobwise.

[SatansLittleHelper2]

Dad's already pulled his weight, he's sorted out childcare for 4 weeks of the 7 weeks summer holidays. That's more than half the holidays.

The kids mum needs to do her bit now and arrange childcare for the other 3 weeks, I really don't get why people are giving the op a hard time.