To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

[iloveberries]

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

[MachiKoro]

Presumably if parents do 50/50 then there is no maintenance to pay?

[iloveberries]

Penguins - I'm sure you mean well and I see what you are saying. I do know the kids well, I do spend time with them, they are with us 5 nights a fortnight and in that time They get a lot from me physically, emotionally, financially and otherwise. i do a lot for them and we have a good relationship. I wouldn't want them to know I didn't want them for another week of course but i do think it's ok for me to want to spend some time just me and DS this summer before the baby comes along. I made my career choices so I could look after my DC.

[iloveberries]

I guess I've answered my own question that I don't think I am being unreasonable!

[user1468330875]

I don't see this relationship going the distance if you have the attitude that you have YOUR son, he has HIS kids and then you are having one together. Goodness knows how these kids are going to feel if they ever hear you talking about them like this.

[iloveberries]

That is interesting user because on many many threads I've been told in the past that it's important that his kids get quality time with their dad without me there

This is the same for me and my DS, no?

[AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected]

I don't see this relationship going the distance if you have the attitude that you have YOUR son, he has HIS kids and then you are having one together

so, the step kids get 1:1 time with their mother, but the OPs kid doesn't 1:1 time with their mum?

How is that fair or right?

[eyebrowsonfleek]

What would the parents do if OP wasn't around? I suspect that the answer would be that they would pay for childcare or the dad would be having the kids less and paying the mother more maintenance.

It sounds like OP does a lot of childcare already so I think she shouldn't feel bad about not having the kids for 2 weeks. I understand it would be very awkward for her to drop them off at childcare while her son stayed at home but unless they pay their mother to do it when it's their "extra" week I can't see there being a solution?

[lifeisunjust]

Poor kids.
I'd like to hear why the father isn't taking responsibility and why you aren't accepting that these kids were here before you and you cannot accept you come after them? That doesn't mean you should have to look after them, the father should be arranging 50% at least of their lives. It should be him asking you to look after them if he cannot man up and look after them himself.Unpaid parental leave exists, 18 weeks per child under the age of 18. Tell your husband to take some unpaid leave and take responsibility as a parent.

[lifeisunjust]

How fair is that the first set of kids don't get their parents together but the second set of kids do?

It's the first set of kids who are losing the most. Tough on the second set of kids. Their parents knew the existence of the first set.

[iloveberries]

Between me, dp and his family we already do over 50% of the holidays.

It's just that his family have the kids at her house (her request) but she also wants us to do extra.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

User- I think the key to being a successful stepmother is knowing when to butt out. Childcare is definitely the parents' business.

[MeridianB]

YANBU

Your DP's children have two parents. They need to sort out holiday childcare. You can/do provide support to the children and your DP and care during contact with their dad and for the 50% he has them over holidays. It sounds like your DP has made arrangements to be there and/or cover his time this summer.

Your son has two parents and you understandably want to spend some time with him. I have no doubt that he also spends time with DP's children and the family will be even more blended once the baby arrives. In the meantime, this summer, have fun, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

The OP doesn't want to have her Dp's kids during the holidays more than she has to. In other words, she doesn't want to have them when it is their mum's days to have them.
That has nothing to do with not wanting them around in general or not wanting to get to know them etc..
She just doesn't want to look after them when she doesn't have to. It might sadden some of you, but I'm guessing the OP's life doesn't revolve around her DP's kids when they are with her mum. She's entitled to enjoy time without them.

[ImperialBlether]

There is no way on this earth I'd give up time alone with my child to mind someone else's children. The odd day, yes, but not a week.

What I don't understand is that if four weeks of the summer break are sorted by their dad and other relatives, when is their mum looking after them in the summer?

[PenguinsAreAce]

"I wouldn't want them to know I didn't want them for another week of course"

Then you had better hope their mother doesn't tell them or they don't overhear something, or maybe that they don't simply work it out for themselves (if not now then when they are older). Children have an uncanny knack of knowing more than we think they do. They will be your DPs children for his whole life, so the step-parenting issues are only just beginning.

"I made my career choices so I could look after my DC."

And then you chose a partner with two children...

[lifeisunjust]

iloveberries, just how much percentage of care does your husband do though, all year around? If it is less than 50%, then you absolutely cannot complain but it should be your husband providing the care, not you, unless you are happy to, and it's obvious you are not.

[Cocochoco]

I think you already know that you need some time to do fun stuff with your ds. It's wonderful to have one-on-one time with your kid. Enjoy it

[minipie]

You don't need to be providing holiday childcare.
He does

This. It's actually your DP who is at fault here. He's changed jobs and has less free time so he's expecting his exW to do more childcare. That's unfair. She's responding by saying can you look after them. That's unfair.

It was your DP's choice to move to a job which had less flexibility. It's his responsibility to think about how he covers his share of childcare with the new job. Parents have to think about their childcare responsibilities when they change jobs, and single parents with shared care are no exception. Frankly, if he didn't have a solution in place he shouldn't have switched jobs.

This is his mess to sort out.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

The suggestion of paying 50% of childcare as well as having them 50% of the time are a bit ridiculous. It should be 100% for whoever has them at that time.

So holidays are split already, OP's DP does 3 weeks, mum does 3. OP looks after during the day for his 3 weeks but then should pay half of the other 3 weeks also? No.

OP YANBU. If you lived together I think it would be different but you don't.

[Dunkling]

This by PenguinsAreAce ^ Honestly, why are you with this person if you don't take him as he comes, i.e. kids and all? They were there before you, are younger and more vulnerable, and are part of the deal.

You are talking about them like an irritation impinging on your perfect life. They are people first and foremost, your dp's flesh and blood and your child's sibling. They already do not have their two parents together, and now the adults in their lives are talking about 'fairness' in the context of not wanting the responsibility of taking care of them. Sheesh. Really hoping I have misunderstood this one.^

Totally agree with this. Now the children's parents are split, they have TWO homes. If you are serious enough to be living together, that makes you a parenting unit and with him comes his children. Surely if someone is available in one of these homes, you, when the other parents have to work, you as the 3rd parent look after them?

[PenguinsAreAce]

"so, the step kids get 1:1 time with their mother, but the OPs kid doesn't 1:1 time with their mum?"

The OP does not work in the summer hols. Even if the stepchildren are there half the holidays, her child gets her for half the holidays and 9 days out of 14 the rest of the year. She has already said her do is away a lot, so there is loads of 1-2-1 time for her child.

[ABunchOfCups]

But if he has already arranged child care for 4 weeks of it, then he has done 50% at least.

I read it as it's the Mum who has asked the family members to help her during the four weeks she has, dad has organised two weeks childcare.

If he works away then there should def be a formal plan in place for contact, I'm guessing the only reason he can work away so much is because the Mum is picking up the slack for him? If she had an accident or illness meaning she can't physically look after his what would be the plan? Is it possible she's asking you because she sees it as a way for him to take on some of the responsibility, could she be resentful that her job has to fit around the children while their other parents doesn't?

Dh works away often and when DSS was little, he'd never know when he'd be away so if worked out he was working away during school hols he would have his Mum help his ex or give his ex money towards any childcare she had to pay for while he was away. Don't get me wrong, we've had our issues with his ex but he was always thankful to her, and told her so, for enabling to have the job he did.

[iloveberries]

My DS is with his dad a lot in the holidays so I don't get that much 1:1 time with him.

When he is with his dad in the holidays i do supplementary work.

My DP was made redundant from his last job and this was the best option. He is away most of the week but able to pick his DC up from school once or twice a week depending on the week. Any other job wouldn't allow this. The trade off is the being away from home. We opted to keep the balance for his DCs.

Overall we have them 30% in term time (with maintenance paid accordingly) and about 40% of holidays (with his family making up to over 50% of holidays).

his ex is taking time off in summer when we are with the kids so she can go away. She does this quite a bit. Don't begrudge her a holiday at all but then think she should sort childcare out to cover that.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

And then you chose a partner with two children...

So what? She still chose her career path with HER child in mind, not her stepkids. Luckily on her DP's days her stepchildren will just slot in fine around the working hours she chose to work around her own child. But on their mum's days, the children's mum shouldn't benefit from it, and the OP technically doesn't have to give the kids a second thought on those days.

[tigerdick]

Agree husband should offer to pay for half of the childcare costs.

This is where the whole 'maintenance' system falls over. A single parent - usually a woman earning less than a man - shouldn't have to fund childcare entirely themselves. Maintenance barely covers food, shelter and necessities as it is.

As to your original question: I don't necessarily think you are BU, but you've joined your life with a man who has huge responsibilities. Whatever the court says, he is equally responsible for his kid's care and that means stepping up when the other parent stumbles. You're his partner. Why not help him find a solution instead of just pushing it back on the other, possibly struggling, parent?

At the end of the day it's all about the children's well-being and the adults need to focus on that.