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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

308 replies

BummyMummy77 · 11/07/2016 23:31

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 12/07/2016 12:24

OP. Does your OH really think so little of you that he is going to put a relationship with them ahead of you?
I'm not just saying this but if he were my DH and lifted one finger to help his family build a house or even bring in the shopping I would divorce him.
Have you heard of DWIL? You need it.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 12:34

What's DWIL? He needs to address this with them for sure. He should have done it before.

It shouldn't be up to me to tell them they're being unkind. If my family behaved like this to him I'd not keep meekly quiet for fear of damaging our relationship.

He just called her again and told her we were really stuck and needed her help (I wish he hadn't, she clearly isn't interested) and she said she "I simply can't. You need to get other arrangements in place for future emergencies".

He said "whatever" and hung up. That'll learn em. Hmm

OP posts:
ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 12/07/2016 12:36

Keeping my fingers crossed for you OP

Your MIL sounds horrid :(

A pp mentioned it already but have you considered leaving the island? (sounds like a line out of "Lost")

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/07/2016 12:42

Not only would I not do mil any favours ever again, I wouldn't see her. No reason for you to spend time with someone who thinks so little of you. Sil too, provided that she understands that you have no other options.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 12:48

I kind of have but dh would find it hard to find as much work elsewhere.

Plus the island has an amazing school which is free and that is unusal for around here.

I figure ds's quality of life will be much better here. He'll have the freedom running wild due to it being the 80s and lack of parental giving as much of a shit I had when I was a kid. I do miss having family around to help so much though.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 12/07/2016 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Taylor22 · 12/07/2016 12:51

He's not going to see what they're like for himself. He's going to keep gas lighting himself.
It stands for dealing with the in laws. Google it and lurk for a bit.
I don't mean to cause any offence but given your financial situation say your son was exploring and broke his leg as many children do what would you do?

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 13:03

Ah I'll have a look, thanks.

That's precisely why he needs to do well in his job this month and not put a foot wrong as we're about to ask them for healthcare. Or at least access to company healthcare which is a lot cheaper and better than what we could afford alone as self employed.

OP posts:
Paintedhandprints · 12/07/2016 13:07

Mil hates you. Sorry op. I would not give her the time of day after this. She would not see my son again either. What a bitch.
I tend to strap 2.3yo ds into a pushchair for appointments. Can you get a bead maze or new toy for him. Or stickers would work. Sweet treats.
Good luck.

Taylor22 · 12/07/2016 13:09

Download kid YouTube my 2.5 yo would spend hours on it if we let him....which we did when we moved house and needed him to be quite and out of the way.
He loves the videos of kids playing and opening suprise eggs. I have no idea why.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 13:10

He adores her and they're the only family he has here so I just can't keep him away from her much as I want to.

If dh is all smiles and happy again after a few days I don't know how I'm going to feel about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 13:11

Well I do know. I'll want to remove his balls.

I've heard other friends talk about that kid you tube. That and some odd channel where they just play with playdoh and advertise toys.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 12/07/2016 13:21

You are his family. They are horrible to him.
Yea my DS loves that. It's so weird I've got no idea why he's into it so much but during desperate times it really helps.

diddl · 12/07/2016 13:23

How absolutely dysfunctional.

Your husband sounds an utter wuss & MIL&SIL sound awful.

What was SIL's excuse for not being able to help??

I'm sure I did see one.

I don't get on with my ILs, although I suppose I don't not get on with them either & I would absolutely expect them to do this-if not specifically for me, but for their son & GC!

Is the upbringing your kids are having really worth this-when their Aunt & Uncle are obviously favoured over you & their dad & their cousins are obviouslt favoured over them?

PPlus yoour husband has worked for 5yrs for someone & is hoping for salary/health insurance?-I wouldn't be holding my breath if it hasn't happened yet!

You seem to be surriunded by selfish, inconsiderate users!

GabsAlot · 12/07/2016 13:25

what a horrible mil she is

im jut flabbergasted that hes actually said u have to have childcare for emergency ituations

doe she know the meaning of the wor emergency?

sorry but she toxic and you d wont benefit from eeing her even if he doesnt understand that yet

the woman is petulant and vile and if you dh doent do something youre going to fall out or split up over it

but the most important thing hope your appt goes well x

MilesHuntsWig · 12/07/2016 13:26

Your MIL is very special... How could you not help in this situation? Good grief, I've helped acquaintances in similar situations let alone a close relative.

So sorry for you. I think iphone, sweets, pushchair is your best bet. Good luck and sorry for your sexily prolapsed bladder (?!?!?!).

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/07/2016 13:27

They sound like a bunch of utter cunts, tbh. Your MIL deserves to break something major and need help, which you won't be able to give at all.

As for your SIL and BIL - fucking wasters. Spoilt, selfish, wasters.

Now - for you - I think and hope that you should be able to keep DS occupied long enough for the ultrasound with some special treats and your iPad in the pushchair - hopefully the hospital staff will be used to dealing with the situation and just get on with it. Good luck!

GabsAlot · 12/07/2016 13:30

sorry for typos keyboard is playing up

diddl · 12/07/2016 13:35

Did I also read that your husband built his sister a house at the expense of paid work?

If so he seriously needs help!

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2016 13:38

OP do you know how to lock the ipad so he can't change it out of the app you have sorted for him?

I'm sure he'll be fine

Your MiL should be ashamed of herself. Sadly, twats like her never do

BlueLeopard · 12/07/2016 13:38

Maybe a timely reminder from DH about what reciprocal help she can expect in her old age and its assorted age-related health concerns from you both might soften her cough for her.

Or do what another MNnetter did and casually leave job applications for positions in the UK for you both lying around. Information on schools near your mums. I mean, this new health scare really brought home to your DH how important it will be to have a support network around your little family and your mother is chomping at the bit to be your support person.

Oh I would. I so fucking would. Let them all think you'll move back after the summer season to the UK for good.

RandomMess · 12/07/2016 13:39

I can only think by you marrying your DH that you stole their skivvy and financial support that they were all relying on...

I really don't think I could stay living around there after that short of behaviour from them. It is really spiteful to not help out under the circumstances.

Ilovetea82 · 12/07/2016 13:48

Has your mother in law any friends that might be able to help out and in doing so shame her into being more reasonable in the future?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2016 13:54

Really op, you have a dh problem, she should have your back, but he does not. Your MIL told you where you stand with her. You dont have to do anything with her.

InternationalHouseofToast · 12/07/2016 13:55

Can you get to the hospital early so DS goes off to sleep in his pushchair from the off, rather than being transferred asleep from the car?