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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

308 replies

BummyMummy77 · 11/07/2016 23:31

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

OP posts:
e1y1 · 12/07/2016 00:38

MIL is a twat, we have the grandkids at the absolute drop of a hat (queue the mug messages).

This is despite both being in full time employment.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 00:39

No crèche. It's kind of a backwater hospital. I'll try the pushchair trick if nobody there can help. It's unlikely ds will go off with anyone he doesn't know though, bit of a sensitive flower like Daddy.

Dh has a theory her anger stems from when his sister went in to labour. Sil had planned a home birth and I was nothing to do with the plans. When the time came the midwives were a few hours away (we live on an island) and she was freaking the hell out so asked me to go be with her and kicked her Mum out of the house. Unfair I know, especially in her own house but mil and fil were absolutely flipping out and standing around shouting helpful stuff like "we need to get her airlifted", "the baby is going to die" and "this isn't normal she's dying!" bless them.

They only got there ten minutes before the baby was born and sil has told everyone how great I was (I really wasn't, I just rubbed her back, gave her water and looked at her foof every now and then and made lots of 'hmmm yes looks good' noises) and mil was clearly pissed. I understand I probably would be a little too but she was a hysterical mess and no baby was getting born with that around. If this is why she's been so unkind recently then she needs to put her big girl trousers on and do some thinking. Anyway, it doesn't matter why she's still being unreasonably mean. I think dh is just trying to explain her behaviour to himself. Sad

OP posts:
FastWindow · 12/07/2016 00:40

Sorry to hear all of the above.

Notwithstanding the medical issues: once they are resolved , I do not see a single reason why you shouldn't up sticks asap. I hear Australia is nice.

elliejjtiny · 12/07/2016 00:43

Take your dc with you. I've done it a few times and as long as they are strapped in the buggy with things to do they are fine. One time there was no room in the scanning room for the buggy and a load of medical students so ds3 (aged 2 at the time) sat on one of the students laps and chatted away about fireman sam Grin. Oh and your MIL sounds awful. Clearly you haven't been taking the mickey about asking for help in the past so she and SIL should both be willing to help in an emergency.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 00:45

Mil has no plans but shopping, a haircut and lunch. Obviously they are important to her but as I've said I've never asked for help (apart from dh asking her when we had a miss carriage) before.

He's self employed with these people and this is his fifth year working with them so they're considering giving him salary and healthcare. To be honest I think he should ask them, it's no like this is something we can do in a few weeks when they're gone. It's not a quick thing though, with ferries involved it becomes a few hours. Unless he borrows one of their boats and that's another 'favour'.

We're in Maine.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 12/07/2016 00:45

If you can't count on family for situations precisely like this then what is the point. I would find it impossible to be around her after this. I hope you get something sorted and get better soon.

(I also hope she needs something from you soon that you can smuggly say no to)

Canyouforgiveher · 12/07/2016 00:50

Ok Maine. understand completely. I am down the road in Boston but have a BIL in Maine. I can understand completely the seasonal thing and how hard scrabble it is the rest of the year. Your MIL is being a complete shit. There are probably loads of people on the island who would mind your child if you put the word out. but that is hard to do. Go to the appointment, throw yourself on the mercy of anyone there who will help you. I don't care what upbringing your MIL had, she should surely understand that in small, hard, seasonal communities everyone sticks together.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 00:59

That's exactly it. It's so bloody hard in the winter and dh's winter work is all chainsawing or carpentry outside so very weather and daylight dependant and can end up not earning too much. And also the reason nobody is around to help as everyone is working 16 hour days to get money while they can (Apart from sil and her dh lol!)

We're an island of just 500 in the winter but it becomes 2500-3000 in the summer months and then you can earn a decent crust.

OP posts:
MrsJoeyMaynard · 12/07/2016 00:59

I'm sure it's inconvenient (not majorly) to rearrange plans for shopping, haircuts and lunch, but really, who would reasonably think those are more important than helping out a family member when something as urgent as this comes up?

You'd think the fact that you're not in the habit of asking for her help would highlight how important this appointment is.

Cagliostro · 12/07/2016 01:00

God I'm sorry your DH's family are such shits. Yes nobody is entitled to babysitting but to refuse in these circumstances is just nasty. :(

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 01:04

I don't know how I'm going to be civil. Or I'll have one too many one night and all my pent up aggression will come out and I'll tell her what a twat muffin she is.

There's lots of other issues with finances and making dh build sil a house but that's a whole ten other threads. Grin

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 12/07/2016 01:15

Well it sounds like he doesn't need to build SIL a house anymore as you have harshly been shown thay doing favours for each other is not necessary.

Sidenote: Twat muffin is a most excellent description and I can't wait to find an opportunity to use it it real life Grin

GreatFuckability · 12/07/2016 01:18

She sounds like a bitch. I had to take my then 17 and 4 month olds with me to a hospital scan for a burst ovarian cyst as their dad was in hospital himself after surgery. That was a fun time. But we struggled through and the staff were very helpful. Hope it goes well and your MIL gets liceGrin

Bogeyface · 12/07/2016 01:24

Let Twat Muffin Jr build her own damn house.

I would take DC, hospital staff are usually understanding of situations with no childcare. I hope your results are good.

trafalgargal · 12/07/2016 01:28

Maybe this winter you should make very definite plans to broaden your Mummy circle of friends so you are never in the position you need to ask your MIL for help.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 01:28

Two kids?! I'm slightly nervous about the vaginal ultrasound as they said I need to drink two pints of water an hour before and ds managed to kick the shite out of my bladder to the point where it kind of (sexily) hangs out. They're going to just show me that wand thing and it's going to be a pee-splosion.

I honestly think dh is a saint when I'm not thinking he's a spawn of Satan wankerand it's sad to see him fruitlessly vie for his parent's attention all the time.

OP posts:
maras2 · 12/07/2016 01:30

I'd look after a stranger's kid in these circumstances and so would most people that I know.What a nasty,mean old wagon.However,needs must so IPad,colouring books,crayons,sweeties and a drink should do the job for an hour or so.Good luck Flowers. And 😡 to your rat bag in laws.

FastWindow · 12/07/2016 01:32

I would too, maras.

Bogeyface · 12/07/2016 01:39

me three.

Go and ask for help. The vast majority of people are kinder than your bitch MIL

MidniteScribbler · 12/07/2016 01:40

I don't actually get this 'she's entitled to say no' crap. Families are supposed to help each other out, especially in urgent situations.

The only reasonable response to the OP's request to her MIL is 'of course, what time do you need me?'. Or worst case, 'oh course, but he'll have to come along to lunch with me and girls. I'm sure they'll love to see him.'

It would be a cold day in hell before I even spoke to her again. That is not how families are supposed to treat each other.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 01:53

Sorry I know this thread is very serious but can I just address the term "twat muffin" because I've never heard it before and it actually made me smile when up to that point I was so angry on your behalf

I do think she allowed to say no, of course she is but I can't think of a single valid reason as to why she wouldn't want to help! By the type of person she is I can imagine you never would hear the end of it though! So maybe your go, little one will be fine in the buggy and you can leave sighing a big sigh of relief that you won't have to listen to how she "helped" you that one time for the next 20 odd years.

Sorry she's such a shit to be honest, along with the SIL and BIL. Especially the SIL who you helped when she was giving birth.

Keep your chin up Flowers and good luck for tomorrow and I wish you better soon.

Wishfulmakeupping · 12/07/2016 01:53

Op your mil sounds like a complete bitch she's proving at a point and has an axe to grind and using a moment when you're at your most vulnerable to do it.
We needed help from mil recently too as she helps out sil constantly and us never I'd assumed she
Would be there for us on this occasion but it didnt happen- I won't be there to help her in the future and at the moment can't even bring myself to speak to the woman either.
I hope the app goes ok op. I urge you to consider whether you need to make room in your life for someone who punishes you like this for ways you've 'wronged' her she sounds batshit crazy.

trafalgargal · 12/07/2016 01:54

She's not right in the head.
When my son managed to put his arm through a window and what I could see but he couldn't was his arm was so badly sliced it looked like sirloin steak (I threw a towel over it before he saw it, he's ASD and would have totally panicked. It was the day before payday so I didn't have money in the house for a cab ......my new next door neighbour who I barely knew took us to a&e in her brand new car despite him dripping blood......and came back and got us after midnight despite me saying not to. If a comparative stranger can help then surely two female family members could have worked out a way to help you. I'd bin them both .....and seriously consider moving somewhere with year round work.

FastWindow · 12/07/2016 01:55

I have two families. One who would walk over coals for me and my dc. The other would do the same to not have to bother.

That's my dcs maternal family who we are incredibly close to, and their woefully crap fathers family (not including dh and his mother, who would have loved her dgc)

One of my dc has never met their grandad. The other has, and will see him again for the second time in 6 years shortly. But won't remember him, as the said grandad has never bothered with any sort of contact. Including cards, or calls, or presents.

Family is all.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 12/07/2016 01:58

Tbh after the miscarriage and other stuff I don't want to have anything to do with her but she's dh's Mum and he's tiptoeing around keeping her affection as it is. It's heart breaking to so how hard he tries with her way harder than with me but I guess there's the annoying mother-son thing.

And I have two levels, I'm either sugar sweet nice or all out screaming banshee psycho. Which I've managed to control completely hide since I've been with dh but he may be in for a shock at some point of this kind of thing carries on.

And that's the other thing, she doesn't spend any time with him and he ADORES her. You'd think she'd be happy to be with him a while. She's with sil's baby at least 5 hours every day.

OP posts:
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