To ask how you deal with being the only non invitee?

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I've left work in tears

It turns out my colleagues are having a get together tonight and I haven't been invited.

I'm friendly ish with most of them. I would say I'm nice to people and never slag people off .

One of my other colleagues , who is a total gossip and bitches about certain colleagues is going . She is also friendly ish with most of them .

I only found out because one of my colleagues asked if I'm going tonight .

I feel so hurt

I know it's childish but I can't help it . I'm trying to think back to what I could have done .

I know it will be the topic of conversation tomorrow and I'm going to feel worse .

How do I deal with this situation ?

Frankly , I want to say fuck it and keep myself to myself but it still stings

I genuinely wouldn't care as its work colleagues - essentially randoms.

Are you sure everyone is going?
If people are only friendly ish then it probably won't be fun. Do you know where they are going? Maybe go with a friend and sit and stare at them all night while sticking your middle finger up at them

Could they be better friends than you realise, for example on the dreaded facebook? I'm fb friends with a lot of the school mums and will chat away online to them yet we will barely acknowledge each other when rushing about on the school run making others assume we don't know each other very well. Maybe there was a chat online about a certain place followed by a suggestion of going there after work. Could it be something like that?

Agree with Kerala - I'd be relieved not to be invited.

Unless it is a massively formal do, it is likely that it came up as a suggested get together on another occasion and that it has grown by people inviting people who invited people. Possibly if you don't tend to go out to lunch or coffee with colleagues, or drink after work, that could explain why you have not been "invited". In my experience, people more often say things like "a few of us are going for a drink at so and so place on Friday if you fancy it" when you are already socialising. They wouldn't necessarily think to invite you in the office, and it is also possible that everyone assumed someone else would have mentioned it to you if you are friendly -ish with a number of people.

I think you are making the classic mistake of thinking of "them" as a single group who all agreed on your exclusion. You call them "they" and "the bastards". I bet this makes you feel even worse because it feels like they have ganged up on you to exclude you. That they planned this to make you feel bad.
Which would make them an awful group of people.
Perhaps though, they just got invited individually, in dribs and drabs and people assumed that you would have asked, or been in included in a conversation by somebody else. Groups of people generally do mean things by accident, thoughtlessly, lazily. Which doesn't make it right, but does make it slightly easier to hold your head up high and go back into work and act as normally as possible.

Will they have hangovers tomorrow? Must be a way to take revenge...no, really, it could easily be a mix up. People are terrible at organising things. If not, chin up and remember everyone gets snubbed now and then, all you can do is let it wash over you.

Oh hell, I've been there so many times.... playground parents, colleagues, etc etc .... I don't have any words of wisdom but am offering a virtual night out here this eve with and . And no expensive cab ride home either !

I was out with some work colleagues (we all work in different departments) a few weeks ago when one of them said 'oh Sue never comes out for a drink' referring to someone in her department, almost immediately followed by 'but then we never invite her'. This wasn't meant in a nasty way, more of a 'we never remember to include her'. People are often stuck in their own world, doing their own thing and don't necessarily notice others are being left out.
I wouldn't take it personally but i would try and do something a bit more exciting than sitting in front of the TV tonight. Then if the night out gets mentioned tomorrow you can casually say 'oh i finally got round to seeing x movie / visiting that new winebar / doing the spin class at the gym etc' so that it appears you are not bothered by the lack of invite.

I work in the public sector, and this sort of behaviour is so common that we actually have a written policy about it-its called bullying by social exclusion. Personally I would prefer if everyone was adult enough not to need a policy to refer to, but until certain people grow up and realise they aren't 5 years old still and playground bullying has no place in adult life, we need rules. The only way is to try and rise above it-really easy to say, really hard to do-you're better than they are, you're not ganging up against someone, you're dignified and better than this, even if deep down you want to cry and call them all rude names. Its horrible and unfair though, and upsetting when you're on the receiving end of it.

Hmm, you say that there have been plenty of opportunities for you to be asked, but if everyone assumed (as that colleague did) that you'd already been invited, then it still wouldn't have happened.
Perhaps the whole inviting process was sort of organic and various people passed it on to others, not realising that someone had been accidentally left out?
I do hope it wasn't deliberate, OP because that's pretty hurtful if so

This happened to me at school. My attitude then, as it would be now, is fuck them. I wouldn't want to socialise with anyone as unpleasant as that.

Could have just happened due to casual way evening came about as pp have said.

Most people would not knowingly collude in excluding someone. Even if they are like that outside work, most have an awareness of professionalism and inclusiveness imo, more so than used to be the case.

If it was deliberate and with any toxic intent, it could only prob happen if one person was organising everything and leaving someone out without others knowing.

Bit shit for you tonight though, OP. Deff don't just assume they're having a fun time though. Easier said than done. I had this on a course a while back and it was a facebook thing - there was a google group set up for us, but a lot of the group swiftly got going on facebook and it resulted in an evening like yours. It did plunge me back to schooldays.

But the colleague asked if you were going- so she assumed you were asked I presume -but was checking if you were actually free to go,. Is someone else 'in charge ' of this outing. Sounds as though you may just have missed the initial discussion and arrangements??

It was definitely deliberate .

I've had a little stalk look on FB (I know!) and there's the organiser saying she can't wait for her birthday drinks tonight at (insert exclusive bookable only area )

So she's organised it (probably via email) to everyone and not invited me .

The colleague who asked must have assumed I was invited but then when she realised I wasn't , you could tell she felt very uncomfortable . Especially as it wasn't her place to then invite me or tell me I should come along .

DH has gone for the kebab

OP

This happened to me years ago while training for what's now my career. It's a male dominated industry but there were a few women on the course. A 'girls night out' was organised to celebrate the end of the course, I only found out when one of the guys asked me where we were off to. Cue much shuffling and embarrassed glances exchanged between the women. Oddly the person who I suspected of excluding me was the one who apologised to me and said it had subsequently been cancelled as some of the guys had told them it wasn't on to leave someone out. I knew she didn't like me but she was always upfront about that so the secrecy was strange (if it was her doing). The others? No idea to this day what their problem was.

It hurts but you just have to rise above it. If you think it was a genuine mistake and you were 'forgotten' (still hurtful but at least not malicious) then ask how their night was and ask them to give you a heads up next time as you might (don't seem too keen) like to come along

So this wasn't a general work drinks, this was somebody's birthday party and they chose not to invite you. Would you normally expect to go to this person's birthday party?

It's not a party as such - it is birthday drinks in a bar .

Everyone else was invited .

Oh OP
If it makes you feel any better this has just happened to me. Been in my new job for a few months but ive worked there before so I know everyone quite well. I get on with everyone (to my knowledge!) Im always cheerful and pleasant to people. Never had a crossed word with anyone. And they've arranged a leaving do for one of the women in our office (who I get along great with), the person arranging it has gone and handed out printed out invites to everyone in front of me but left me out I'll admit it hurt a bit and I don't understand why I've been excluded. But over my dead body am I going to show it! My plan is to carry on as normal and appear completely unfazed like I haven't even registered it. If they want to be like that then fuck them!

Make sure that you have extra chilli and garlic sauce xx

It's shitty behaviour . Kill them with kindness tomorrow , don't act bothered . It's only one person , the others were invitees . How incredibly embarrassing for her that she has shown her bad manners so openly

If you aren't exaggerating and one person invited everyone but you to a private function (so no potential to have forgotten) then it's a HR issue as its bullying.

So so sorry for you both. What horrible excluding, childish behaviour. Enjoy the kebab!