To ask how you deal with being the only non invitee?

[PineappleStick]

I've left work in tears

It turns out my colleagues are having a get together tonight and I haven't been invited.

I'm friendly ish with most of them. I would say I'm nice to people and never slag people off .

One of my other colleagues , who is a total gossip and bitches about certain colleagues is going . She is also friendly ish with most of them .

I only found out because one of my colleagues asked if I'm going tonight .

I feel so hurt

I know it's childish but I can't help it . I'm trying to think back to what I could have done .

I know it will be the topic of conversation tomorrow and I'm going to feel worse .

How do I deal with this situation ?

Frankly , I want to say fuck it and keep myself to myself but it still stings

[howdoyoueatanelephant]

They're just rude and mean. You deserve nicer friends than these. If you actually like any of them organise your own evening out, invite everyone so that you, at least can model good manners for them!! xxx

[WindPowerRanger]

I don't think you should think about it too hard or too long, however don't assume it is dislike of you that caused you to be left out by the BG.

It may well be that you don't play the 'in the group-out of the group' games at work, you don't gossip, and she can't generally mess with your head. If so, BG could find that intimidating and want to keep her distance. Or some other similar scenario that is in a way a sort of compliment to you.

I've had this, many years ago. Queen Bee, lots of brown nosers and me. I was perfectly friendly but never prepared to let QB walk all over me. She didn't want me around as a result and the brown nosers were too cowardly to disagree.

[kateandme]

it does really hut but don't ruminate now and let your mind go onto other things you aren't good at,worth,all other bad things that have happened.youll spiral into self hate and wont be able to see it as them being asswholes and you not in the wrong.if your truly not a horrid person lol then they had no right not to ask you.could you descretely ask one of them why?if you don't no them enough could this be the reason.could they be thinking like you and not no how to come to you to talk?could it be innocent?
if not take it a really hurtful thing,feel it but don't then think anymore of it.theres others in your life that make you happy?other people?go and be with them.people who can make you feel likethis aren't nice and not worth it.this isn't on you.

[BalloonSlayer]

A girl in my class at school once had a birthday "disco" and invited just about the whole class. But not me.

I had to endure all my friends going on and on about what they were wearing for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't work out why I hadn't been invited, I wasn't particularly unpopular (or popular) and got on fine with the birthday girl (quite a few people seemed to dislike her but I actually liked her well enough).

I was so relieved when I found out another girl in the class also wasn't invited. I could tell she was just as pleased to discover I wasn't going too.

Then guess what! Birthday girl asked me "what are you wearing to my party? " I said "I'm not coming, you didn't invite me." She looked blank for a bit then said "Oh well you can come!" And I said "No, I'm going out thanks!" HA HA HA That was sweet that was.

So I reckon it was just that she had forgotten to invite me rather than deliberately not invited me. Most things like this are simply thoughtlessness, not malice. However thoughtlessness can be very hurtful when you spend your time being thoughtful!

[Cagliostro]

:( sorry OP that's horrible. Oh well they can't have been having that much fun if they were talking work at the party.

Zippy there are no words :( :(

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I can understand why you are upset/angry but if it is a birthday drinks do, there are plenty of reasons why they wouldn't invite everyone.

They don't necessarily dislike you, maybe they just aren't bothered, iyswim. I work with a few people that I don't either like or dislike, but I wouldn't rush to spend time with them outside the office.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I'd brazen it out, pretend you're not worried and have better things to do with your time anyway. It has to said that time off with colleagues isn't very relaxed. People are watching what they're saying, scared of being talked about behind their backs when they nip off to the ladies', etc, etc. It can be like entering a vipers' nest. (Worse than being at work - and in your own time too.)
If your colleague who inadvertently mentioned it to you uses her initiative she may ask if you could be included the next time. Keep smiling, keep your head down and remain pleasant to your colleagues.

[Skiinghaggis2016]

There not worth their salt ! This happened to my 8 year old son when there was a small class of 11 - he was the only one not invited to a girls birthday party and I spoke to all the Mum's . I was more upset than him and made sure we went to the cinema and had a fun time ! I just can't believe how cruel some people can be ! I would organise my own night out with true friends and tell them all what a fab time you had 😜

[Meeep]

My last boss used to organise dinner parties with 95% of the staff invited to her house. Then ask the 95% to keep it a secret from the 5%
I thought she was a terrible manager really.

[pennefabredux]

Do know it could have been just a really unfortunate oversight. I have been on both sides (forgot to invite someone - felt really bad when realized I forgot; not invited due to oversight).

It's not worth spending any of your energy wallowing. Just carry on with the intent to have your work relationships how you want them. If it will make you feel better, clear the air in an adult, unemotional way.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

I would count yourself lucky. I always loathed nights out with colleagues.
Think of they money you will have saved and how you can reward yourself with something you really enjoy.

[MilesHuntsWig]

Sorry Zippy missed yours. WTAF?!?!?! Bonkers!

Home? I'd out her in the shed!

[GrandMarmoset]

This has happened quite a few times to various people where I worked and every time it was completely unintentional, just a case of losing track of who you've mentioned it to. I've been the guilty party myself-and felt absolutely awful about it. I'm sure everyone just assumed somebody had told you.

[Feckthefeckoff]

I once excluded a lovely girl from my leaving lunch completely by accident. I just missed her name off the email and nobody else either noticed or mentioned it. I only realised what I'd done when we were all getting into the lift to go. I ran back to get her but I think she felt so upset. I eventually persuaded her to come for a drink afterward but I could tell if really upset her. The thing was, I really liked her and thought she was good at her job; it was definitely cock up not conspiracy. I still feel awful about it.

[Lilacpink40]

Zippy when your Mum asks why she's in the old people's home from hell, tell her "isn't it obvious".

OP I haven't read all of this, but I have been in similar situations and it feels like the group have pulled your heart out and kicked it about. It's horrid.

Speaking to people independently, like on here or friends, hopefully rightly confirms to you that this is their problem not yours.

I suspect it's one or two choosing to control the group by showing they can leave people out. Bad behaviour is often started by selfish control freaks.

Could you invite one or two people from work to pizza at yours?
Keep it lighthearted, fair amount of drink and build a side group bet the non-bitchy staff would follow your grouo

[Polkadot1974]

I would die inside but then be asking lots of questions about why I was left off. I fear this happens s lot and is shameful. Keep work and friends separate is my advice and care not a jot what others do. Sounds like a crap night anyway

[MadMags]

Maybe it's just me but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Don't get me wrong, it's totally shit but talk of discrimination and HR issues because someone didn't get invited to birthday drinks?

Beyond that, if OP did take it further and colleagues got a slap on the wrist and were forced to invite her to the next thing, she'd know it was a forced invitation. I just cringe at the thought of that.

It really is shitty. But no point in making it bigger than it is.

[GratuitousSaxandViolins]

I'd be tempted to make other people feel awkward and ask "can I just ask about the night out the other night, was I the only person not invited" - perhaps the girl who sits next to you. Just to make it clear you were aware and how bad it was. I mean, how can you do a team building after that?

I've been a victim of bullying by exclusion and not even my boss would listen to me so I know how tough it is. Not everyone is that bitchy, surely you could ask someone what happened?

[Lillithxxx]

My boss did something similar to me recently - long story. She doesn't know I know though...karma is a wonderful thing - say nothing but make a mental note to yourself for the future. You will have your opportunity to repay them all for their insensitivity.xxx

[DoreenLethal]

I would probably have responded to that with 'thanks - sorry it wasn't as fun as you expected, must have hurt people planning work stuff on your birthday night out'.

[Earlgreywithmilk]

What the hell zippy??? That's hilarious and bonkers!

[dansmum]

You could go with ' no I wasn't invited. Couldn't have gone anyway..already had plans ( the wine and kebab...natch)

[MilesHuntsWig]

Yep. Organising work on a night out that excludes team members is completely unprofessional.

...and actually if they were doing that on a night out then it really can't have been that much fun!!

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

I worked in a Post Office for a while and all of the offices in the area got together and had a huge Christmas party. I wasn't invited and only found out about it when someone else phoned our office to confirm they were bringing a couple of extra people since there were so many unused places.
The person organising the party was my boss and also my mother. I asked her about it and said I was wondering why I wasn't invited. She said words to the effect of "Isn't it obvious?" She wouldn't explain further and to be honest our relationship has never recovered.
My mother will definitely be going into a home as soon as possible.

[pollymere]

I used to belong to a theatre group and my friends there used to go for a curry to which I was never invited. So eventually whilst one was being organised, I asked whether I had to do some initiation to join the curry club. They were confused as they'd assumed for years that I'd originally been invited and said no thanks and had thought I wouldn't want to come. It was an oversight and I went to every curry after that. Do ask, if it's too late to go this one, then the next. Say did you need an invite or could you go next time? If they've deliberately not invited you, you need to find out why one way or another!