To ask how you deal with being the only non invitee?

[PineappleStick]

I've left work in tears

It turns out my colleagues are having a get together tonight and I haven't been invited.

I'm friendly ish with most of them. I would say I'm nice to people and never slag people off .

One of my other colleagues , who is a total gossip and bitches about certain colleagues is going . She is also friendly ish with most of them .

I only found out because one of my colleagues asked if I'm going tonight .

I feel so hurt

I know it's childish but I can't help it . I'm trying to think back to what I could have done .

I know it will be the topic of conversation tomorrow and I'm going to feel worse .

How do I deal with this situation ?

Frankly , I want to say fuck it and keep myself to myself but it still stings

[claraschu]

I am really sorry this happened OP; it feels horrible to be excluded.

It is great and absolutely right that everyone on here is supporting and sympathising with you.

I think it is weird that when the same thing happens to a child, there will be a lot of MNers with different opinions saying: "Birthday child can invite who they want", "maybe there were limited numbers", "kids have to get used to this", "just because your son invited his friend to his party doesn't mean the friend has to invite him back".

[00100001]

I never get invited to things. ever. unless i organise something i don't go out basically.

At work, I'll be asked to cover reception, whilst "all" the admin ladies go out for lunch. I'm a lady. I work in admin. I don't get invited.

So I am always busy and can never cover them and just shrug when they say thing slike "Oh, but that means we'll have to be back by one" or "oh, then I suppose I'll have to close reception for that time and Mr Boss won't like that... " to which I will merrily reply something along the line sof "Yes, you should probably ask sooner than later"

The worst part is, I once 'organised' a going to the pub on a friday night, by word of mouth. and got sent a snotty email form one of the admin ladies that I shouldn't have done that and should have made sure to invite every person so as not to exclude anyone!


wankers

[00100001]

and as for beign the only non-invitee, make them super awkward and squirmy by asking them how it went, did everyone have a good time etc etc

[BigTroubleInLittleChina]

Happened to me too - but in hindsight I wouldn't have wanted to spend my time with the bitches anyway.

I know I was deliberately left out as I didn't get on with a colleague who was friends with the self appointed organiser.

Anyway months later the clique-y group fell out with each other and one resigned in huff. It was great fun!

[FolderReformedScruncher]

I have had a bit of this over the last 18 months at work. There is a clique. I was asked to something as a token invite and I declared loudly that I would rather chew my own legs off and now a fair few of the others say the same thing now and it turns out several of them were going to things they didn't want to, just to fit in. The bottom has dropped out of the clique as a result. Workplace stuff like this is bloody awful. I was also told by the manager I must put in a tenner towards someones leaving present. I refused and bought the leaver something of my own. It's hell on earth working in groups like this!

[PineappleStick]

Well we've all been in since 8am.

I smiled and said morning as I usually do . Pretending like nothing has happened.

Colleague who had asked if I was going (I sit next to her) , then starts bleating on about how her feet hurt because she was dancing all night and said she had a great time .

How fucking insensitive can you get ?

It's annoyed me to be honest - it was only yesterday that she was slagging the birthday girl off !

I just fake laughed along with her and told her she should try some gel inserts next time blah blah blah.

It also turns out that they had discussed a group project last night which I don't know the details of. I need to know so I can get organised in my work .

So I had to email the birthday drinks host telling her I'd heard they discussed the project last night and could she pass me on the details .

Does that sound a bit passive aggressive ? Or desperate ?

I'm not upset any more . I'm annoyed

I feel like standing on my desk and bellowing "LISTEN UP YOU WANK BADGERS - FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR NIGHT OUT!" whilst simultaneously slapping birthday drinks girl around the face with a wet fish !

[feralcat19]

Not PA nor desperate. Hopefully you also said you hoped she had a REALLY NICE time, just to rub her nose in it.

[feralcat19]

Having been in a similar situation before, it's better to be angry rather than upset but not to vent your anger publicly. She sounds a complete tosser and you will be the better person if you can rise above it (publicly) even if inside you are seething.

[ImperialBlether]

That is really shocking behaviour on their part. You poor thing, having to work with people like that.

[Confusednotcom]

Wow I really feel for you OP. Could you get another job? The atmosphere sounds dreadful for you.

[ilovesprouts]

Some of my mummy friends from school go out and get invited to each other house and birthday party's never invite me or ds2 but are nice as pie to my face I just don't bother now I just think you no better than me anyhow !!

[TheWindInThePillows]

Your colleagues may have thought you were invited but chose not to come.

I think it's very unlikely they all co-ordinated you not being there.

I was once left off the email list for an annual party at work, I didn't hear about it til a week to go, then felt too embarrassed to turn up, but I sounded it out and it was definitely a mistake, and I've been invited every other year!

I am not sure about 'bullying by exclusion'- yes, of course you shouldn't leave out a colleague if you go to lunch in work time, but for someone's birthday party, can't they invite who they want and who they get on with best? I certainly don't get invited to every work colleagues' events, and I quite often go out with a group of colleagues and we don't invite absolutely everyone as we are friends.

In this situation, perhaps the original birthday girl wasn't fussed about having you there (ouch)- but the reactions of others tells me this wasn't co-ordinated by all of them, they assumed you had been invited and I'm guessing assumed you didn't want to go.

[TheWindInThePillows]

I also think there's a difference between a work night out and someone's birthday where they tend to pick the people they get on with best and may have other people there as well, family and friends. A general celebratory drink at the end of a busy time, yes, that would go to everyone, but a birthday isn't a work night out IMO.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Id say this is just people at work not real friends so who cares but I know how cliquey it can be. Just ignore references to the night out and raise your eyebrows in a supercilious fashion at the idiot telling you about her feet.

[2nds]

I'm surprised at the number of people suggesting that you just turn up or exclaim that you weren't invited, why bother stroking their egos by doing either of these two things?

If a workmate asked me if I was going on a do that I hadn't been invited to I'd have told her I was going out with other friends and just left it at that.

[Snowflakes1122]

That's rubbish. Sorry

Perhaps birthday girl sees you as a threat in the workplace? You're probably better at the job.

Sounds politically motivated for sure, given work was being talked about.

[pinkladyapple]

Not sure if it's been said as I haven't got time to read the whole thing but you could have grounds to put in a grievance over this for discrimination. If it was worth it, that is. When I had equality training at my large employer they said if something is being organised as an official work party then it has to be publically talked about and everyone should have the opportunity to go otherwise they can be held to account.

Of course in reality you have to think whether the fallout would be worth going this route.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I think there's a high risk of this happening at my work and I scan invite lists as much as possible to make sure it doesn't. Someone will invite a few people, then some more regulars will be added, and people will pass on the invite to others that they think of - it'd be unfortunate but possible for one or two people to not be invited, especially the people who don't usually attend or don't work from this office. It is a fear of mine that I'll forgot to do it and feel awful that someone doesn't get invited.

I'm sorry that they've been so insensitive this morning. Bizarre that they were discussing work projects at birthday drinks, too... Put the radio on loud, if you've got one, and keep your chin up.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Pink whilst I agree that this is totally unfair on OP, it doesn't appear to be official work drinks, and what would the discrimination be on the grounds of? OP has made no mention of anything discriminatory.

It could fall foul of bullying policies, but as a one off, it probably won't.

[InternationalHouseofToast]

I would be raising a formal complaint about work being discussed at a social event that you weren't invited to, when you need to know about that work. I'd ask your line manager how to handle this.

Were there managers at the drinks party last night?

[TheWindInThePillows]

Formal complaint? Going to HR? Discrimination?

Honestly, would people really do that if a colleague has birthday drinks and you don't get invited?

I don't see how this is a 'work event' or that because work was discussed (as happens a lot when colleagues socialize together).

I suppose it comes down to whether you want people to be compelled to invite you to nights out for fear of HR or legal intervention. It sounds ghastly to have this mindset, I'd rather be left out and frequently am as in a department of 20 odd, there's lots of birthday drinks I am not invited to or don't hear about.

[toadgirl]

One of my other colleagues , who is a total gossip and bitches about certain colleagues is going . She is also friendly ish with most of them

Sounds like you're better off out of it, tbh.

I know how it hurts, but try not to let it show. You'll just provide fodder for the bitches and the gossips.

It's probably that you aren't bitchy enough to be one of the group. Be thankful for that.

You could talk about the amazing nights out you have planned in your real life (work and social life are often better not mixed anyhow).

Plan something exciting for your weekend and you'll be so busy thinking about that, you won't notice their crappy little nights out any more.

[LarrytheCucumber]

Happened to me once at Church. All the other women were clutching large pink envelopes inviting them to a hen do - and I didn't have one. I was upset (even though a pamper day in a spa wasn't my idea of fun). DH and I went halves with a friend who did go (and her DH) on a wedding present, and went to the service and signed the book of congratulations in the hope that she felt just a tinge of embarrassment!
Yes, it is horrible, and I feel for you OP. It made me a lot more careful about including people, so it had a positive side.

[JessTitchener]

I was once the only person not invited to a colleagues wedding.

I didn't care until I was asked to contribute to her wedding present.
The words fuck and off may have been involved.

[pinkladyapple]

Anchor when we discussed this at my training they said that whether it was labelled as official or not, if you could prove that everyone else had been invited or that one or a few people had been deliberately left out of plans then you would have grounds.

The difference between that and a few colleagues who are friends going out is if it was clearly not just a particular friendship group going.