Our daughter has to wear a hat at school, is this right? (No hair)

[Georgeson]

Hello,

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just went to the bottom of the page, found 'Popular Talk Forums' and clicked on here! Please tell me if I'm in the wrong place. I have just signed up.

Our daughter is in Year 2, she attends an Infant School. She has Osteosarcoma, so has been in and out of hospital. There is no need to go through her whole story, but she is currently having chemotherapy. She has already done chemo, for 10 weeks, and had surgery. We are (hopefully, fingers crossed) battling through the final year of treatment. She has spent a lot of time as an inpatient, but will hopefully have most of this chemo while going in as an outpatient, if that makes sense?

She will be moving up to a Junior School in September, but we are deciding to move, just so we can be closer to our preferred hospital (her treatment couldn't be there full-time, due to the distance) so things will just be easier for her, and us! Our son will be starting school then too, so we have found a great Primary School. We had to go in for a meeting (as she was joining the school in one of their not very common entry points (can't think of the word!)) and it was also a good time for us to talk about her needs.

She will be attending school, like any normal child, but will not be in for 2 afternoons, she may also miss an extra day each month (for other regular checks). This lady wasn't happy... I wasn't keen on her attitude, to be honest. Making subtle digs like "we like our attendance to be the best it can be" and "she'll have to leave at lunchtime, so lessons don't get disturbed". She didn't sound happy at all.

To be honest, I didn't even bring up about her hair, assuming it wouldn't be an issue at all. Her Infant School is really understanding and teaches the children, so they understand, etc.

She specifically handed me a sheet of paper with their hair policy on it. I don't know if that was trying to tell me something or what, it was just odd that it was just that on the bit of paper. I then mentioned that she likes to wear headbands, that are colourful. I was going on to explain that I know bright headbands might not be allowed, but she interrupts me and goes on to explain how "a school cap will be sufficient"... I didn't even get a chance to answer to that, as she moves on to talk about other aspects of the school.

I really don't think she handed any of it sensitively. Her class teacher is absolutely lovely though, really sweet.

I'm just wondering if this is something she has to follow? What will happen if she doesn't wear the school hat? These are the school summer caps, by the way. I never in a million years thought this would be an issue. Is there anyway that I can get her excused from these hair rules?

I know this is a bit of a long shot posting here, as I'm not sure how many people will have gone through the same thing, so I might not get any advice... It's worth a try though!

Thank you in advance,

Kate

I would find a different school. My son has sn , we viewed many schools before finding one with the most wonderful attitude . They promised the earth and so far have delivered . One headteacher was so rude I left crying saying they gave all extra funding to the gifted children and there would be none left for my child for 1-1 etc . I know your child is not the same as my sons but it's a similar and it's all about the attitude of the school and headteacher . I would say she is trying to put you off !!!

I would send her there.

The head may not be sympathetic but she sounds like she doesn't have any messing about.

If your DC gets bullied or excluded from her peers the head seems like the type that will not mess around in getting it sorted.

"If your DC gets bullied or excluded from her peers the head seems like the type that will not mess around in getting it sorted"

I wish that were the case, but in my experience, there is a lot more bullying in schools where the headteacher is a bully.

Eve are you serious! she is the one that will probably be the bully herself, judging by her negative attitude towards op dd life threatening illness!

Op you want your poor dd in a lovely supportive and positive environment, not this!

Why are you even bothering to send her to school, genuine question?

Agree with Tiggles they were deliberately hostile to discourage you from taking up the place.

I don't understand the dig about attendance; your daughter is not taking unofficial absence, she is absent for medical treatment which should be recorded as such in the register: M for medical, H for hospital.
You say the class teacher is lovely; your daughter will be spending most of her time with her so she is the one who will be most important in your daughter's school life. Check on whether the person you spoke to was actually the Head; she may well be the Bursar or Personal Assistant or school secretary. A totally unacceptable attitude anyway.

It's clearly not the school for you, their attitude towards attendance was worrying in your circumstance without even commenting on head coverings.

I would also make sure that you've got a great passive aggressive line that you've got ready in case you get challenged (and indeed, one for your dd too).

Something along the lines of 'for a moment there I thought you were suggesting that my dd had to hide her head under a scratchy cap that would damage her scalp, but don't worry, she's got some special headbands in school colours to help her. Can you believe it, some awful places want to make children feel ashamed of the fact that they have no hair, like it's something they've chosen as a hair style, and want to make them cover it up, even if it will hurt them mentally and/or physically to do so. The [consultant/cancer nurses/etc] were telling me about how some schools are so horribly insensitive to a poorly child's needs and insist on this despite it being detrimental to the child - when they're suffering from cancer - can you believe it? Isn't that just appalling and all sorts of petty dreadfulness - I'm so glad that your school has a reputation for being caring and enabling children, particularly those that are already having a massive struggle the like that no child should ever experience...'

So just making the bad position sound so dreadful and so against everything that they say they are on their website (I'm guessing that all schools say they are caring, supportive, etc etc!) that they can't turn around and say that they insist on heads being covered or no bands or whatever without looking like right idiots.

And then maybe suggest that they might like to support your dd by doing a sponsored head shave so that they can all have very little hair. I'm sure if you concentrate their minds about not having hair themselves they might suddenly see that it's not a choice your dd has made and that they need to enable her to have some control over what she wears on her head.

to you and your dd (or maybe she would prefer ?)
Hoping that it was just the head teacher having a bad day and that she turns out to be as lovely as your dd's form teacher sounds.

Even is absence is authorised it doesn't look good on the school's stats. DS badly broke his leg and missed several months off school as he was in hospital. His attendance record is rubbish even though it is all authorised and has dragged the class data down each week (his school publish the attendance stats weekly by class)

"If your DC gets bullied or excluded from her peers the head seems like the type that will not mess around in getting it sorted."

Yep her daughter will get bullied and the head will condone it because it will be the ops daughter that's in the wrong by missing school and not abiding by the school hair policy. The inflexibility of the HT is the issue. It filters down in to the inflexibility of children.

I've said it else where on the forum resently I was massively bullied as a child and my mum was actually told by my class teacher it was entirely my fault for being different. I am aspergers. The kids got away with sticking pencils in me because I was different so the teacher had no time for me so everything I did was naughty and rule breaking so it didn't matter. I aspect the same would happen here ops daughter would be marked out as different from the head down and any bullying would be seen as her fault.

It's absolutely not your or your little girls fault the head sorting out bullies made me laugh that's all.

Why will my daughter be bullied? Her Infant School classmates are really great. She is really kind and confident, which has served her well so far, or maybe we have just got lucky...

I have emailed 5 schools, 3/5 have gotten back to me. There are no places... The first school's answer was the nicest, saying that there is 2 people on their waiting list, so it's definitely worth applying, and due to the circumstances, we may be able to be moved to the front. Also, if we get the form signed by a church minister, we can be moved even further up, so will almost 100% get a place. To be honest, we are not a religious family, but we do attend church, for our daughter's sake (she absolutely loves it, and if that's the belief she wants to develop, that's fine by us) so I think this is our only other option. The other 2 schools was a bit more "no places, apply here, you will be rejected, but then put on a list".

It's so hard!

I have a DC with a considerable noticeable medical condition who, amongst great support and sensitivity from classmates, met nothing more sinister than curiosity.

Bullying is not a foregone conclusion.

However the school's policies on bullying and inclusion should be worth a read. The policy gives you the framework for what you can expect, are able to demand and who is accountable.

Learn it, and use it the first time you need to (if ever), just like every other parent.

I prehaps phased my reply wrongly georgeson I was trying and I admit badly to point out that quite the opposite to what eve said is true. That the heads no nonsense approach will apply to your daughter not the bullies: as I said in my first post on this thread a head can make or break a school. Their attitude filters down even to the littlest children. So if your daughter doesn't wear a hat and I actually think she should wear what she's comfortable in and helps her self esteem, she could be shunned as a rule breaker, rather than given the support and understanding that actually there's a reason that she need to do things differently.

Your infant schools seems amazing and many are, it will have been explained to the children over and over that your DD needs her night bands etc and it will just be accepted and supported.

barmy well what ever the schools inclusion policy is, it's clearly not being backed up by the Heads attitude is it? She's clearly unwilling to make reasonable adjustments to allow a child with additional needs to fully take part in the school, just the comment about attendance would raise my shackles let alone the inflexibility of head wear. If the heads attitude is anything to go by then the inclusion policy isn't worth the paper it's written on is it?!

I have never before heard of a school having a 'hair policy'. I'd contact the chair of governors and ask for clarification.

lizmum really? We've had one at every school I've taught in. I think it's more rare not to have one than to have one?

itvmight not be a policy as in a massive document but most schools state long hair must be tied back (with bands of school colours) boys hair must be suitable for school. No dyed hair of unnatural colours. That's a hair policy liz

"Why will my daughter be bullied?"

No reason in particular for your daughter to be bullied, not that there is ever a good reason for bullying. But when I was a substitute teacher, one class I taught had a perfectly nice little boy who was relentlessly bullied by the other children and that was the school where the headteacher was an unethical bitch. I went to another school and one of the children came from a dysfunctional family and was seriously odd. He was never bullied by any of the children, in fact, if anything, they looked after him. And that school had a very caring and ethical headteacher.

That is why, to my mind, the nature of the headteacher is very important. Maybe your dd wouldn't be the one who was bullied, but the atmosphere in schools where there is bullying is not conducive to a happy childhood.

Georgeson, bear in mind that school waiting lists are held in order of meeting the criteria, not first come, first serve. And if there is a particular school that addresses or suits your dd 's needs you can appeal on medical grounds. There are several
MNers who have an expert perspective on the admissions and appeals processes and if you start a thread in Primary Education called "help! Admission and appeal advice for child with serious medical condition " they will find you. Names to look out for are Prh47bridge, PanelChair, Admission and Tiggy something.

You can be on more than one waiting list, and you can stay on a waiting list for another school even if you have accepted a place in one that has space. Places tend to come up over the summer as people move house, even on the first week of term.

I urge you to find the right place for her, not just A place. That woman sounds awful.

What a absolutely vile person. Who the hell handles something like this with such little compassion. This isn't a little cold.
How the hell she got a job as a HT. I would put in a complaint 'we like our attendance to be the best it can be' YES and everyone would like their child to be healthy and not have to deal with this shit at a young age.

Your daughters health is way more important than attendance (which you know obviously).

I'm clutching at straws but hoping you read the situation wrong

Speak to your daughters team - they may well have experience of local schools. I know the specialist nurses I've had experience of working with (diabetes and pain mostly) could tell you which schools cope well and which are obstructive.

OP - I'm sorry I haven't read the entire thread so may be repeating something someone has already posted, but under the equality act, cancer is classed as a disability and therefore the school are required to consider reasonable adjustments - e.g. allowing her choice of head covering rather than abiding with school policy.
(PS I agree with other posters who say their attitude stinks though!)

If the headteacher was not inclusive then the rest of the staff will not be helpful either. If you were already going to this school I'd say write to the governor's, but is this school really worth the hassle. Have a look at other schools there will be a lovely school which wants to help and where the welfare of the kids comes first.