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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our daughter has to wear a hat at school, is this right? (No hair)

177 replies

Georgeson · 10/07/2016 23:09

Hello,

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just went to the bottom of the page, found 'Popular Talk Forums' and clicked on here! Please tell me if I'm in the wrong place. I have just signed up.

Our daughter is in Year 2, she attends an Infant School. She has Osteosarcoma, so has been in and out of hospital. There is no need to go through her whole story, but she is currently having chemotherapy. She has already done chemo, for 10 weeks, and had surgery. We are (hopefully, fingers crossed) battling through the final year of treatment. She has spent a lot of time as an inpatient, but will hopefully have most of this chemo while going in as an outpatient, if that makes sense?

She will be moving up to a Junior School in September, but we are deciding to move, just so we can be closer to our preferred hospital (her treatment couldn't be there full-time, due to the distance) so things will just be easier for her, and us! Our son will be starting school then too, so we have found a great Primary School. We had to go in for a meeting (as she was joining the school in one of their not very common entry points (can't think of the word!)) and it was also a good time for us to talk about her needs.

She will be attending school, like any normal child, but will not be in for 2 afternoons, she may also miss an extra day each month (for other regular checks). This lady wasn't happy... I wasn't keen on her attitude, to be honest. Making subtle digs like "we like our attendance to be the best it can be" and "she'll have to leave at lunchtime, so lessons don't get disturbed". She didn't sound happy at all.

To be honest, I didn't even bring up about her hair, assuming it wouldn't be an issue at all. Her Infant School is really understanding and teaches the children, so they understand, etc.

She specifically handed me a sheet of paper with their hair policy on it. I don't know if that was trying to tell me something or what, it was just odd that it was just that on the bit of paper. I then mentioned that she likes to wear headbands, that are colourful. I was going on to explain that I know bright headbands might not be allowed, but she interrupts me and goes on to explain how "a school cap will be sufficient"... I didn't even get a chance to answer to that, as she moves on to talk about other aspects of the school.

I really don't think she handed any of it sensitively. Her class teacher is absolutely lovely though, really sweet.

I'm just wondering if this is something she has to follow? What will happen if she doesn't wear the school hat? These are the school summer caps, by the way. I never in a million years thought this would be an issue. Is there anyway that I can get her excused from these hair rules?

I know this is a bit of a long shot posting here, as I'm not sure how many people will have gone through the same thing, so I might not get any advice... It's worth a try though!

Thank you in advance,

Kate

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgeson · 11/07/2016 00:42

JudyCoolibar, no, it's the school summer cap. The cap that the children wear outside when it's hot. It isn't compulsory and they don't have to wear them inside, but are the only type of hat that they are allowed inside, if you get what I mean.

FlyingElbows, but the reason I'm thinking not is because of her whole attitude, the digs about the attendance and the digs about the hair policy, it was like she handed me the bit of paper (that spoke about hair length) and was like she was implying that as my daughter didn't have hair, it needs to be covered. Her attitude really wasn't great, I'm sorry, but it wasn't. Of course, I'm more than happy to clarify what she meant... I will do so, but I was a bit disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgeson · 11/07/2016 00:45

The meeting was with the head teacher. Her teacher and TA, is lovely, which is the only reason I'm still drawn to the school. To be honest, more meetings will need to happen before school anyway, so our daughter's liaison nurse will need to talk to the school nurse, as further stuff will need to be put in place for many things, so it's a shame that I don't know what the school nurse is like yet, as she may be lovely.

OP posts:
Atenco · 11/07/2016 00:53

Facilities and a nice building won't make up for a nasty head teacher

I agree. I taught as a substitute teacher for a few months and ended up reaching the conclusion that the head teacher sets the tone for the entire school, so when I choose my dd's school I went on how lovely the head was. The school was a bit run down and not massively academic, but the children and teachers were lovely.

Maursh · 11/07/2016 01:01

Suggest you have their "policy" on this put in writing and forward it to the LEA requesting another school for your children since this one is not appropriate for your child's medical condition.

DeathStare · 11/07/2016 04:30

I'd be looking for another school. With both the cap issue and the way she handled the attendance policy it sounds like rules are going to be more important to her than your DD's wellbeing. You, and your DD, have enough going on without constant battles with school as well

nonicknameseemsavailable · 11/07/2016 05:18

charming head!

wearing a summer cap in winter will be silly and mark her out even more than allowing her to wear a headband or scarf of her choice. what colour is the uniform? could you perhaps buy or make a couple using the same material as the summer dress/toning in with the cardigan/jumper or the colour of the school logo and then just send a letter stating that this is what she will be doing.

EreniTheFrog · 11/07/2016 05:34

Please don't send your DD to that school. I was a child with additional medical needs (though not as serious as hers) and whereas I changed school a few times, in some I encountered the total uncaring inflexibility you describe from this HT. It was an attitude which left a really deep mark on my basic feelings towards myself and my body and my confidence - even though nothing was ever said to me directly. It sounds to me as though your DD needs a more sympathetic and nurturing school.

Theearthmoved · 11/07/2016 05:37

This head will never be supportive. What if your dd needs more time off? She will be more concerned about her attendance figures than the welfare of your daughter.

You can probably negotiate/work around the 'hair policy' but it sounds as if she has no empathy at all and her comments about absence are telling about her attitude.

I agree that the headteacher sets the tone for a school and I would not send my child there.

BenguinsMummy · 11/07/2016 05:49

The Head sounds like an idiot... Angry

Hi OP, Ewing's Sarcoma mum here, the head clearly has no idea what their inclusion policy says, and I feel that handing you a copy of their hair policy is pretty insulting, considering your DD has been through more health wise in her shirt life than she probably has in hers... What does she think you're asking for? Special consideration? It's not as if your DD likes having no hair and being under treatment Confused But I'm getting off track here...

Children like your DD and my DS feel more vulnerable than most children and if they need help to cope with the effects of their chemo (hair loss, fatigue etc) then the school should be supporting them, not making you feel as if you won't get the support she needs... What are they going to say if she's neutropenia and the hospital advise you not to send her?

Talk to your POON or CLIC social worker, I've found that they can move mountains when needed, Grin

I'd honestly make a formal complaint to Ofsted and the LEA, because clearly this idiot cannot empathise with your DDs medical situation and only has the schools reputation as a priority.... Angry

Flowers for you op, if you can find another school, I would,

Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow · 11/07/2016 06:07

Bitch

Totally agree with Benguins and hugs to you and your dd.Flowers

Becles · 11/07/2016 06:20

I don't understand the vitriol toward the head.

Reading your OP it's not clear if this is the only piece of paper they gave you with info about the school. You mentioned approved head coverings etc coming up randomly in conversation was this in the context of school uniform and was your daughter wearing one of the colourful head bands during the visit?

Absolutely nothing of what you describe indicated the head wanted (or intended) your daughter to cover her head at all times.

NotYoda · 11/07/2016 06:32

I also would have serious concerns about sending your child to a school where a leader is so lacking in sympathy and seems to have no concept of being child-centred.

The Headteacher does indeed set the tone for the school. If the Head is so lacking, teachers will either be forced to go along, or be in a position of great stress at being in opposition to these attitudes. I've seen it in action.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 11/07/2016 06:39

Maybe it's miscommunication and she has realised that a school cap won't be acceptable for your dd. Write her an email today saying "further to our conversation I wish to inform you that we feel a school cap will not work due to it being too hot/itchy/whatever and there will be days when x chooses to wear a headband instead.

nuttymango · 11/07/2016 06:49

YANBU. It doesn't sound like that the school is the right one. I hope you find one and that the treatment goes well.

Cocoabutton · 11/07/2016 07:02

Ugh, I am sorry you have been treated so insensitively. I honestly would first seek to clarify in writing that she a) was concerned about necessary medical treatment being disruptive to the rest of the class and b) was suggesting that your DD wear the school cap at all times, as she has no hair.

Then you have something concrete to take to those involved in your DDs medical treatment and when you challenge her, including going above her head.

I think headbands in the school colours is a good compromise.

Spottytop1 · 11/07/2016 07:04

Was she suggesting the cap instead of the bright hairbands - as in assuming your daughter wanted her head covered ( as you said she wears bright head bands) and she jumped in to say cap is suitable ( meaning as an alternative to bright headbands as it adheres to school policy?)

She sounds like she doesn't understand the reality of the medical treatment needed...

ThatAnneGirl · 11/07/2016 07:06

Do you think she was trying to put you off so your dd's absences don't screw up her attendance statistics?

PotteringAlong · 11/07/2016 07:10

I don't think saying no to bright coloured headbands is unreasonable in itself : if no one else is allowed to wear them and has to have headbands in school colours then your daughter has to follow the rules too.

It depends whether the head is saying she HAS to wear the school cap or if she's making allowances and saying she CAN if she'd rather have her head covered.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/07/2016 07:13

Some one posted similar upthread, but write down your concerns and send them to the head and get her to clarify what she meant.

Then you will know if you will have a fight on your hands.

Hissy · 11/07/2016 07:16

Urgh! I wouldn't leave a can of beans in that school, let alone a child.

Please don't send your children there.

chewingawasp · 11/07/2016 07:19

She definitely seems more concerned about absence figures than pastoral care Angry. Definitely email her back to clarify what you have understood. Her response will be telling.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2016 07:19

becles that's not the point, as somebody uptheroad said, the head sets the tone for the whole school, by what op has said, she us not supportive ir care about the well being of dd, that would be a dealbreaker. It seems as though her hairless head would not be favourable, that also woukd be a big no in my book, and warrant complaints to various authorities. A headteacher that was unwilling to be flexible and supportive in extreme and serious circumstances such as op dd, us a very bad headteacher indeed. My child would not be attending a school like that!

blueturtle6 · 11/07/2016 07:20

OP sorry to hear about the school, another place to speak to could be school governors or local MP.
As an aside I think children look lovely in headbands and allow a little creativity. Certainly in primary school they are too young to be forced in conformity, imo.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2016 07:21

chewing I would be including the content of that e mail within my complaint.

Wishfulmakeupping · 11/07/2016 07:23

I thought the same as annegirl :(
Are there any other schools in the area you've discounted that you could revisited? Worth a shot op- let us know the hosp or area I'm happy to help you research and I'll bet there are other mumsnetters that will tell you about the local schools.
Flowers lets find a lovely school for your brave dd xx