Our daughter has to wear a hat at school, is this right? (No hair)

[Georgeson]

Hello,

I have no idea what I'm doing. I just went to the bottom of the page, found 'Popular Talk Forums' and clicked on here! Please tell me if I'm in the wrong place. I have just signed up.

Our daughter is in Year 2, she attends an Infant School. She has Osteosarcoma, so has been in and out of hospital. There is no need to go through her whole story, but she is currently having chemotherapy. She has already done chemo, for 10 weeks, and had surgery. We are (hopefully, fingers crossed) battling through the final year of treatment. She has spent a lot of time as an inpatient, but will hopefully have most of this chemo while going in as an outpatient, if that makes sense?

She will be moving up to a Junior School in September, but we are deciding to move, just so we can be closer to our preferred hospital (her treatment couldn't be there full-time, due to the distance) so things will just be easier for her, and us! Our son will be starting school then too, so we have found a great Primary School. We had to go in for a meeting (as she was joining the school in one of their not very common entry points (can't think of the word!)) and it was also a good time for us to talk about her needs.

She will be attending school, like any normal child, but will not be in for 2 afternoons, she may also miss an extra day each month (for other regular checks). This lady wasn't happy... I wasn't keen on her attitude, to be honest. Making subtle digs like "we like our attendance to be the best it can be" and "she'll have to leave at lunchtime, so lessons don't get disturbed". She didn't sound happy at all.

To be honest, I didn't even bring up about her hair, assuming it wouldn't be an issue at all. Her Infant School is really understanding and teaches the children, so they understand, etc.

She specifically handed me a sheet of paper with their hair policy on it. I don't know if that was trying to tell me something or what, it was just odd that it was just that on the bit of paper. I then mentioned that she likes to wear headbands, that are colourful. I was going on to explain that I know bright headbands might not be allowed, but she interrupts me and goes on to explain how "a school cap will be sufficient"... I didn't even get a chance to answer to that, as she moves on to talk about other aspects of the school.

I really don't think she handed any of it sensitively. Her class teacher is absolutely lovely though, really sweet.

I'm just wondering if this is something she has to follow? What will happen if she doesn't wear the school hat? These are the school summer caps, by the way. I never in a million years thought this would be an issue. Is there anyway that I can get her excused from these hair rules?

I know this is a bit of a long shot posting here, as I'm not sure how many people will have gone through the same thing, so I might not get any advice... It's worth a try though!

Thank you in advance,

Kate

Fortantly in many cases it's the Head that makes a school, you can have a tiny village school with not many facilities but a good head be an absolutely amazing school.
However as in what appears to be this case it can also break a school. It might be nice looking and have good facilities but the heads attitude will rub off on staff and pupils.

Doesn't sound very inclusive. Surely OPs daughters absences wouldn't affect figures because they'd all be authorised absences. The not collecting in lessons, while slightly understandable in terms of not interrupting lessons, isn't making a reasonable adjustment for a ill/disabled child which I understand you have to do.

I was going to suggest a gingham bandana in the schools colours, maybe a thicker cotton one in just the colour of the school sweatshirt for the winter.

But no I would prehaps look around find a school with a head school nurse and inclusion teacher that actually are going to want your DD to be comfortable and in the mindset to learn.

What an awful experience for you op.
Does she have to go there?
Firstly do not send your child with a school cap send her with what she is comfortable in.

Has your DD got a care plan? This is a plan that gives people a basic medical history of a child and the treatment they are having and any special requirements they have or need ( ie headwear requirements can be written here)
I would ask for another meeting with Special needs co ordination class teacher and head teacher. I would explain how unhappy I was with the first meeting and would ask to see their disability policy and their attendance policy.

Next If that doesn't go well then I would write a formal letter of complaint to govs and also my mp.

have you read their ofsted report?
With regards to attended school is that worried provided they give you some work to do and then call it education off site.

Finally op I once worked with a child who due to cancer had a 40% attendence figure. I was just happy to see him when he was in school
Because that meant he wasn't in hospital.

My ex has osteosarcoma as a teenager it's such a horrible cancer physically and mentally especially the after care post chemotherapy. She needs a lot of support and understanding which by the sound of it the headteacher has no clue of. I was open mouthed by the fact that given so much going on she would expect your DD to work through breaks surely she to will need a break to have a rest. The school cap attitude is utterly vile. Being a young girl I would imagine she would be pretty self consious about it so she should be encouraged to wear something she feels comfortable and happy in. Personally I would have a look at other schools within the area as this form of cancer is complex you need to make sure her needs are met fully and that she is well supported.

Welcome to MN, Georgeson, and sorry it is such tough circumstances that brought you here.

Really sorry you found such an unsympathetic and inappropriate response from the Head. Is it (clutches at straws) possible that she doesn't know what kind of condition osteosarcoma is?

It is worth bearing in mind that such a diagnosis means that your dd has official status as disabled. She has rights. I had a few issues with my DC and the school absorbing what their responsibility was, until they 'got it'.

I would ask for a meeting with the SENCO.

And do some research into your rights. Is there a specialist nurse or person at the hospital giving you welfare advice etc?

Yes she sounds very insensitive. Most headteachers in primary schools are lovely but some (i have had experience of this) forget that the school is there to serve the needs of the community and not the other way round especially regarding attendance levels. In our case the teachers and TA's were great and mostly ignored the Head as far as possible. If you stay with that school then dont be bullied, stand your ground and start as you mean to go on. If you decide to change schools then make sure you give the school and the LEA and governers feedback as to the reasons why you are unhappy. good Luck, your family deserves better treatment than this.

Im shocked op that a school would even suggest that to a child who is goung through more than she should. Id find another school and report this one to ofsted etc. Your dd should be allowed to wear whatever she wants or not on her head. 💐💐💐💐

Agree totally with everyone's comments about the head sounding like an arse

OP, have you/your DD thought about a wig from the Little Princess Trust (not sure about their criteria, but this is exactly the situation my DD donated her hair to them to be made into a wig for, so that someone wasn't being discriminated against). That might give your DD another alternative?

I fear there may be a good reason why this school has vacancies whilst others in the local area are oversubscribed. OP, it may be worth posting in MN Local to see if you can find out more.

Myvisionscomefromsoup beat me..

The woman is an arse and a disgrace to teaching. But that doesn't resolve the problem. Unfortunately, whilst it may be possible to force the head to live with the illness, her heart has alreqdy been set against your child. She will never reqllly accept her need to accommodate someone who is very ill. You have little option but to find another school..

And present the evidence to the school governors withna view to a new head.

It sounds as if the HT fails to understand what cancer means in your family's life - as if its only impact is that your daughter will miss a lot of school and has, at the moment, no
hair. If that's how she sees it, I'd find her quite alarming, and wonder how effectively she empathises with any child.

I think the headband has been covered by many and yes you need to clarify.

I would call another meeting and make it clear your DD is not well ( obvious but clearly needs stating). My DS was having appointments for 3 different needs this year I had to fill in a form if it crossed over registration. I did have a meeting to explain why Ds would be having so many appointments.. His school have been very supportive. I would expect the more for your DC.. I would make it clear you want your DD in school as much as possible but this is about her health and you will take her out for the minimum time however the attendance figures for her school do not trump your child's health needs.
My DS has had lots of appointments at 10.30 and I have asked if they wanted him in school for an hour or if it was more disruptive..I was told it was entirely my choice by HT and his Class teacher.. So he goes in for an hour..

I think you need a meeting purely about her needs not school policy and see if they are going to support these before you decide to do what you need next

Also op could the McMillan nurse or clic Sargent or oncology team or someone have a Meeting with school highlighting (again) what your child needs and the physical demands of chemo

This is not a good school. Good schools are about the people not the facilities.

I would agree that the Head sets the tone for the school.
the decent teachers will eventually leave as the school slides and the Heads values become endemic.

OP, so sorry you are dealing with this - it is appalling.

I'd bodyswerve the school if you possibly can - you have enough to deal with without this nonsense!

My daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia towards the end of nursery and didn't finish treatment 'til the start of year 2. In that time she went to school either bald, with a wig or with a cap with a plait attached, depending on what she felt like wearing that day. Her school were absolutely fine with her headwear or lack of. Yours sounds incredibly insensitive.

Really hope your little girl's treatment is going as well as possible and this becomes a distant memory for her.

My DD went bald - she wouldn't wear a wig or a headscarf - when she was on chemo. So did the other patients I know.

Your Macmillan nurse should go into school and get this sorted out for you. It is about the comfort of your child during treatment.

I would e mail the head and clarify in writing what she has said, ask her if she has to wear the cap, or can she go without. I feel the head has very little grasp on the seriousness of your dd illness. I would certainly not be sending her to that school, but use her reply as evidence to lodge a formal complaint, find another school.

Now you've had time to process what was said in the meeting and get over your initial shock it's a good time to maybe write down everything you would like clarifying and request another meeting.

I don't understand the people saying she has to follow the same rules as everyone else. I can't imagine any parent complaining that OP's DD gets to wear brightly coloured headbands but their child doesn't. This little girl has cancer and has and will go through more suffering than most of us in our lifetime. If wearing a brightly coloured headband can make her life that tiny bit better then let her.

As for the attendance, I fear this may be the root of the issue. DS's school like to have a moan every now and again about his attendance as he has a lot of appointments. I let it wash over me now. I really don't understand why medical appointments affect attendance figures.

This is unbelievable OP. How insensitive of the school. My concern would be that this is a reflection of their general care and attitude towards children with significant illness. If possible I would be looking for another school and telling the Head of this one why you won't be sending your dd there. Best of luck to your dd.

Thank you so much for all these replies.

I have sent out a couple of emails this morning, so hopefully I get something back today.

I still fail to understand how a coloured headband can impact on a child's learning! But there you go!

Dictator Heads I have met many!

I really hope you can get this sorted OP. And good luck to you and your family!

It sounds like they are trying to manage you out of the school to keep their attendance levels high. When I moved to my current area I mentioned to one headteacher that DS has anxiety and might need extra help at transition (he has autism) I had the reply "Oh, if you need a caring school I would recommend you try X school". That school looked great, was a new building, had loads of amazing facilities but given the head's attitude would never have worked for DS.

A school with an inflexible, insensitive, dogmatic cow like that for a HT is never a nice school.

This head sounds like several teachers I have known (as student or parent) who I repeatedly felt should not be teaching or caring for people (because they didn't), but very quickly climbed to headship. They are in it for the wrong reasons.
This head has a great school and they want to keep it just so, which means everyone complies and conforms. She sees your child's needs as a threat and unreasonable challenge to her format. But she can't tell you that, so she raises her eyebrows and pitch and treats you the way that works on 5yos who cannot escape.

I agree with others, send her in school colours of appropriate headgear and deal with the fallout when it happens. Just be prepared for an upset child who has had her headband removed at 9:05 on her first day at school. Then you can take it to the governors and LA as unreasonable.

If they say that you were informed of the rules, take the line that you understood that to be for outside in the sun, as that is the reasonable interpretation.

It may take some time to resolve. If you are able to get her healthcare team to support your position to the school, that will make things so much easier.