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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a shit

271 replies

GDragon · 10/07/2016 13:04

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 10/07/2016 22:22

I think that would be best said face to face rather than a text, but that's just me...

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 22:36

I haven't seen him face to face in almost a year, that's never going to happen. We either text or call that's just how we are. I figure he'll be more likely to do an every weekend thing to start with & then we'll drop it, I don't think he would ever agree to just start with EOW

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 22:41

I wouldn't put the room thing in there or other reasons as you have said that before and he might think you're using this to get the way you want

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 22:42

I would just say after saying you understand about dw that perhaps you need to consider the option of EOW

EssexMummy1234 · 10/07/2016 22:43

How would the kids feel about the arrangement changing?

MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 22:43

Or each weekend if that's the preference but keep in mind your time with them not just being work

The2Ateam · 10/07/2016 22:45

I wouldn't give a shit either. He should have thought of that before he had three more kids he possibly can't afford.

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 22:51

Essex, DS doesn't care, DD doesn't mind she just hates sharing a room & that it takes 20 mins longer to get to everywhere.

I've taken out the room bit & sent it off.

OP posts:
jay55 · 10/07/2016 22:54

Your oldest is old enough to have an input into a change to their living arrangements. Do they want to be home with you more?
Imagine heading into the exam years sharing a room with a much younger sibling will be hard and get harder.

EweAreHere · 10/07/2016 23:03

It sounds like the wife may want a new arrangement ... but I would point out that maintenance payments would have to be reevaluated as well if you were feeding the children and having to pay a childminder for more days...

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 23:13

No need to worry about changing anything, he's not interested. He wrote "thanks for the offer, but we're managing just fine, the arrangement may not be ideal but it's the best one for my family"

That was it, he's clearly not interested in even contemplating a change.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 23:17

Well then, if he moans again just say that offer is always open. He really doesn't have a leg to stand on

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 23:20

By we he clearly means he, but I don't care anymore. As long as he pays the school fees & gets them to their activities, I'm happy.

I know sharing a room with an 8 year old isn't ideal, but DD has a mouth that she can use to say what she'd prefer instead of moaning to me about it & until she does she'll just have to put up with it.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 10/07/2016 23:22

Ps I think maybe his angle is to encourage/guilt you into paying for cm because you have so much money to spend on the kids. It could go "don't you want them to see their dad and why should they miss out on their hobbies, be the bigger person, do it for their sake etc" but as you have said that room situation for a teen girl is really not comfortable, so if it does go that way, stand firm with your offer even without mentioning the room thing.

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 23:35

I feel like I've already accommodated him as much as I'm willing to at this point, I'm not paying for anything else & I'm not backing down. Something's got to give soon but it won't be me.

OP posts:
Enkopkaffetak · 10/07/2016 23:40
  1. I am not surprised that a CM didn't go down well if he is struggling financially. I don't know what the suggestion is here. However I have several times on stepparenting board seen posts about one parent not taking kids to activities as they didn;t see them as important. I think perhaps considering that is wife IS ferrying them about then it is worth talking to your children about remembering to thank her for doing so. (Yes I know he ought to do this but it wouldnt hurt you also mentioning this) That may make her feel better about it and this will leave a bit.
  1. I think actually this is the biggest issue of all of them. That has to be dealt with from both of you. As said earlier on none of you will benefit from the " other parent will allow me" Agree with him if this is said you will both respond the same thing "the suggestion of " I am not mum/dad" said earlier is a good one.
  1. IMO at age 14 (as I think you said she was) That is just tough she goes where the family goes.
  1. They do need to learn how to be fair. Ask him if he has any suggestions on how you can both work on this. Then work together to get this to happen. (he may or may not have suggestions)

To the poster who felt my situation was different to Ops I don't actually think it is. Op pays for 2 activities pr child and father for 1 pr child. I would assume he also pays for 1 for each of the Step children .. Lets for now assume step childrens father pays for 1 too as that is what they can afford. this still means that step children sees Op's children do 1 more activity than they get to. Also independent school for Ops children. Does step children do so? Will younger sibling..

yes you cut your cloth to your size, yes you need to live within your means. However here it looks like op's means are bigger than her x's is. her decisions to send her children to 2 activities does = that her x is financially impacted. either by having to hire a CM or by wife having to spend time and petrol to get them to these activities. So here Ops decision to use her money impacts x in a way he had no say on. I get why they are both annoyed at that. I also get why op wishes for her children to have opportunities and she says they enjoy the activities so I completely gets she wishes for them to continue them. However it still means x has to spend money he perhaps had not budgeted for.

Op what ever you do please do not go down the lane of " well your wife can go back to work" I am actually rather horrified by how many have said this and in the downput manner they have done on this thread. If he is affording independent schooling for 2 of his children 1 activity and other children too then I think they likely have a comfortable enough lifestyle to have made the decision that her being at home with their children is a good decision for their family. Yes it will mean that they have less to spend than op. However as explained above op's decision to allow her children to do more activities DOES impact their financial situation even if that is not her intention. If they did not have to take op's children to 2 activities a week that may be money they could use elsewhere we dont know.

Will be interesting to see how he responds to the text. If he has had them every 2nd week for 3/4 years now I can't see him wishing to stop this However I may be wrong.

Original poster
GDragon · 10/07/2016 23:55

Enko, I wasn't planning to mention his wife at all, her working or not has nothing to do with me & doesn't impact me at all.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 11/07/2016 00:05

However it still means x has to spend money he perhaps had not budgeted for
He had 2 children, he has chosen to have another, if a few after school activities break the bank then he should have though of that before adding another child to his family.

MidniteScribbler · 11/07/2016 01:00

I think that expecting them to ferry children to multiple activities that you have chosen is unfair. They have five children, and if their three are not able to do as many activities because she has to take your children, then that may need to change. There's only so many days in the week, and each child getting one activity is more reasonable than two of them getting two and the others having to miss out.

Original poster
GDragon · 11/07/2016 01:08

Midnite, my kids chose those actives and it's not my problem how they get them there, it's theirs. I'm not refusing to take them, I'll gladly do it as long as it's my day to have them. If it's effecting their family life, then they should figure out a plan that doesn't involve my kids losing out.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 11/07/2016 01:22

They can choose as many activities as they like, but if the other parent says they can only go to one during his time, then that's his right.

He gets to make some decisions about what fits his family life too. You don't get to dictate what happens during his time.

Original poster
GDragon · 11/07/2016 01:30

If they couldn't manage the activities, they should have said something before they were signed up for them. Now it's too late, I can't dictate what they do when they're over there, but I can certainly ensure that they're not over there when they have actives, like during the week. I don't think I'll let this drag on anymore, I've decided I'm just going to get advice on sole physical custody & what my chances are of actually getting it.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 11/07/2016 01:51

This is one of those threads where I'd love to hear the other sides perspective on what is going on.

MiniCooperLover · 11/07/2016 06:52

OP, is going for done custody in the children's best interest? You sound like you're annoyed at being challenged by him so you're being a little spiteful just because he raised some queries re activities? I think it's safe to say if you go down that route or even just investigate it you can say goodbye to any school fees.

branofthemist · 11/07/2016 07:03

His wife runs your kids to multiple activities each week?

Well, what else do you expect? Or should kids have no hobbies because it puts their step mother out? That's what people do when they have kids. I can understand her not wanting to do it. But Perhaps he needs to think of an alternative solution. Rather than wanting to stop his kids doing something because his new wife isn't happy.

I can't quite believe both him and her thought that her running round after 5 kids would not present any problems. They should be sorting this out themselves.

Op I would go down the route of trying to change visitation arrangements if this is a genuine problem. I know lots of people that arrangements like yours have not worked out as the kids got older. Because of things like hobbies, wanting to spend time with friends etc. I know he said no. But maybe revisit it. Your Dd is certainly old enough to say she doesn't want to go during the week anymore if the sleeping arrangements bother her.

You can't blame her really, her kids are gone and she's running round after her step children.

I can kind of understand. However, she chose to marry a man with 2 kids and then chose to be the main carer.

Either she and the ops ex agreed to do these activities. Or the OPs ex did and assumed his new wife was happy doing this. It actually sounds like the new wife may have a dh problem.

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