To not give a shit

[GDragon]

exH who I've always had an amicable relationship with now wants to dictate how I spend my money on our DC.

We both work, pretty full on professional jobs that leave very little time for family life, neither of us wanted to slow down when we had kids, DD(13) and DS(8) which was ultimately what led to our divorce.

We both remarried years ago, exH went on to have 3 more kids (a child of their own and 2 DSC) with his DW who's a stay at home mom, I remarried a teacher. Our incomes massively differ, as ExH has more DC to support on just his income, whereas our household has 2 incomes with just 2 kids.

Now what I buy our DCs has suddenly become an issue with him, as it's making his home life difficult, the clothes I buy them, where we go on holiday, the gifts they get, he said he would appreciate it 'if I could limit my spending.'

It's not the first time he's bought up money, but it's the first time he's ever been so bloody patronising. I don't think its a reasonable request at all and I don't really care about his family issues.

I also think DW was listening in.
If you have 50:50 residency and pay no maintenance then it's your responsibility to take the DCs to their activities on your week.

I think with number one it might raise the issue of who's idea are these activities? Are they yours, his or the kids? It might also raise the issue of the 50/50 split not working but he would need to consider that that would increase maintenance as well as seeing his kids less. How important are these clubs vs who can take them iyswim?

MeAndMy3, I was being honest, not smug. We have a CM take them as their's no way DH and I have the time to do it, they're not her kids, she shouldn't have to take them they're his kids & he should figure it out, I even offered him the CM's number.

The only things they take over, are DD's laptop ( my old one) as she does school work on it, a paint set she needs for school, some stuff they need for their activities like goggles and DS' game console. Apart from the game's console I wouldn't expect them to share anything else

He's being a defensive dick, because he knows he's wrong.

His kids
His day
His problem

Doesn't automatically = the wife's problem though. He's right when he says it isn't fair on his wife that she runs them around multiple times a week. So something needs to be done- either CM is used or if they cannot afford it then maybe the activities just can't carry on?

Bold fail

Good for you on point no 1. If his DW is having to drive the kids round, that's because he's failed to make suitable alternative provision. I quite understand her and the DC being miffed, though absent SN etc I can't see why her 14 year old has to go or why it's a hardship them staying at home. But that's his fault, not yours. He's being a complete tit to try and hold that against you. There are any number of ways to transport them to activities that don't involve the DW.

Obviously do have a word with DS about no 2 though, you want to nip that in the bud. Neither of you benefit from the 'other parent would let me' dance.

MeAndMy3, that's not an option I'm willing to consider, the activities mean a lot to my kids and someone not being able to take them is not a good enough excuse, I'd much rather we just change our arrangement from weekly to weekends only with him.

I think you should put that offer on the table tbh, about moving their time with him if they are struggling with the arrangement. It's a better one than saying he should cut down his hours

Since you pay 85% of the costs for the dcc, and he wants you to spend less money on them, perhaps he is saying he needs to pay the proper 50% Or maybe not?

Re the activities-it's up to him to get them there on his week or else explain to them why they can't do the activities on his week surely?

He sounds a bit bitter about your relative financial positions to be honest, but that's his problem.

sooo.... his DW is pissed off she's now expected to run round after 5 DC for half the week, and while this might have seemed ok when she only had 2 of her own, then a portable baby, a 3 year old is a lot harder to fit in with older DC's after school schedules - particularly working around dinner time and sleep for a toddler. If it was just her 2DCs, then she could say no to the clubs, it's not the money, it's the organisation of the day to fit round them. However, as it's not her DCs, she's responsible for making this all work, even though doesn't get a say in it.

I reckon the reality of being a SAHM to 5DC is throwing her.

What was the arrangement before ExH's DW became a SAHM, did he pay for childcare?

While I agree on one level, it's not your problem to solve, if the step-mother is getting resentful of your DCs, is treating arguments between her DCs and yours as clearly your DCs being the problem (they don't share well, not that her DCs don't respect not touching other people's stuff), then this could be a problem for your DCs and make half their time miserable.

Perhaps offer to reduce or change the days they are at your exH's.

MiddleClass, I would love to have them every week, but the last time I brought it up, about 2 years ago, as I didn't like DS & DD having to share a room, he got quite territorial & defensive, but I might causally bring it up & see if he's more receptive to it now

If he tries to weasel out of your ds school fees when the time comes, take him to court. Don't just accept him telling you that he is broke. He made a commitment and the court may well insist he honours it. Agree that his decision to have more dc is not your problem.

DinosaursRoar, they had a CM before she became a SAHM, the same one I still use, it's only after they had their DC that they said they didn't need her anymore.

Well it's a solution to a problem he's presenting so it might come across differently.

I guess it's all just a bit much. 5 children - I don't blame her for being at the end of her tether. If your exH was always of the opinion that your career shouldn't be quite so important, could it be a bit more of his decision that she's a SAHM and that they "don't need" the CM now? (3 is a tough age)

Offer to change the pattern, see what he says.

HopeArden, can I really take him to court over it? I wish I'd made him sign a contract but I never imagined he might consider not paying as he was the one who was adamant on Indy instead of State in the first place.

I'm sure he'll pay DD's fees, she only has 5 more years but DS has 10 and we'll have to start looking for senior schools soon and I can just see him trying to back out of it. It won't be a problem if he pays as long as DD is in school, by the time she leaves I can use the money I spent on her fees & pay for DS on my own, the issue is if he stops paying for DS within the next 5 years

Yep it does seem that he is leaving his DW to deal with the stuff relating to his DC and now they have a little one as well...

Hmmm, well that's an interesting turn of events. Do you ever have any communications with his wife?

It sounds to me as though she is a bit fed up with the 50/50 arrangement - she doesn't want to be driving your DC around and sees their behaviour as problematic. If you also want to change it so you have them more, her attitude could be the extra leverage you need with XH.

I think you will need to be really clever how you present this to him, but if there's any chance he is misrepresenting you to his new wife, like not telling her you offered to change the arrangement, suggested he use CM etc, it would be useful if you could make sure she knows what is being said..........

It's also worth factoring in it's nearly the end of term. Your DCs and her DCs will be tired and grumpy. She's got a toddler to drag around with her as well. Tempers are short for everyone.

Is she expected to do 50% of the school holidays care as well or are your DCs booked into camps etc?

It sounds to me like the new wife isn't so hot on having he kids 50% of the time, I bet she would prefer to have them EOW like her kids go to their Dad. You can't blame her really, her kids are gone and she's running round after her step children.
Maybe he's ready to switch it up, cover the school fees in exchange for only having them EOW so he and his new wife get time alone.

I would certainly try and enforce it through the courts if he does try to get out of paying for the fees. Obviously it would have been ideal if you had a legal contract but even so, the court should consider the current situation of your children and the informal arrangement you both came to. Worth asking the question to a solicitor anyway before you just accept him pleading poverty. Why should you have to suck up all the costs of educating your joint son just because he made the choice to have more dc that he can't afford. To me that is effectively passing on the cost of his third child to you! I don't know but I would imagine the court could look at his income and assess whether he really is broke or if he just means that he could afford better holidays if he stopped paying the school fees. It would be massively hypocritical to bleat about equality between the kids and then treat your son blatently differently to your daughter. How bad would that look to your son further down the line?

I would ask in the legal section of MN for now so you can get a better idea.

Hopefully he will surprise you and continue to pay without issue.

It wouldn't surprise me if he pressured her into being a SAHM, the moron thinks raising the children is naturally a woman's job, it actually worries me that he's in charge of raising 3 girls.

I've sorted out clubs and activities but they still need to be driven to & from when they're with him. They've got a packed summer, so I do feel for his DW, he certainly won't be doing any of the driving.

I'm about to send off this text, I think it's alright but I need to make sure it's not goady in any way.

'Hi, ExH, following our conversation earlier on, I've been seriously considering our current arrangement, you're right it's not fair that your DW has to drive around our DCs when that's valuable time that she could spend with her own DCs and with the summer holidays coming up things will only become more frantic. The kids are also at an age where swapping homes every week may not be the best option, DS & DD sharing a room also isn't ideal. So I would suggest that instead of a weekly swap, we do an every weekend agreement instead or even EOW this makes it easier all around and if you feel like you need more time with them, then we can certainly discuss spending more time with you over the holidays

What do you mean by an every weekend arrangement. You dont want to give him every weekend - when would you sprnd quality time with them. I'd suggest EOW.