To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

If it helps I was told my baby was somewhere between 6 and 11lbs.

May as well have told me it was a bloody baby and left there. Not accurate is an understatement.

you can do this naturally

Or maybe she can't. Because she needs intervention. Or she needs pain relief more badly than an imaginary medal.

Why would you say that to someone? Makes no sense and is totally unhelpful.

Have a water birth it's relaxing and lessons the pain so much. Good luck OP

kalispera I agree totally. We were asked for feedback after the course. Mine was basically:

1. Given that I had to have a c section (zero choice in the matter due to placenta and cord issues) how was any of that relevant?
2. Why skip over intervention like it doesn't happen? I told her they were failing women by not giving them honest info. They should have said something like 'x% of first time mums give birth naturally. X% need some form of intervention. If X happens then y will be used." By skipping over this they leave women with unrealistic expectations AND make them think intervention is bad when it isn't (as long as it's needed.)

The classes I had were utterly useless.

A couple of things - there is zero evidence of the cascade of interventions.

Evidence shows that epidural a can increase pushing stage average by about 20 minutes but this is not linked to any detrimental health outcomes for mother or baby.

Dimorphine is largely no longer used for pain relief in any other setting beside obstetrics because it is not a very effective pain reliever.

In nature, in every culture and at every time in history, the death rates for both mother and especially baby in childbirth were horrendous.

Someone up thread described a shoulder dystocia birth as "lovely". I'd fear this person was not given enough information - shoulder dystocia is a major killer in minutes without proper medical intervention, it terrifies me when pregnant.

Scaremongering and gas lighting of women by women about pain relief is upsetting to me. Why can't we stop it?

if at all possible try and form some sort of connection with the midwife or midwives. I know its stating the obvious but I had no idea the one I had for the first couple of hours would leave and a different one came along.

NCT....mmm not my favourite people. Its not a competition. Take care of yourself ( and partner if involved)

The response to this thread has been amazing and utterly fascinating for someone like me who is about to do this for the first time in a few weeks.

OP, very best of luck and I do hope that you will come back and update with your birth story when the time comes. I'll try to do the same.

Louise

Seriously?

give over with your "dramatic idiots" statement

or are you just being a "goading idiot"?

Pretty much every point of view seems to have been expressed here; just wanted to stress, though, against prevailing 'wisdom' that's forced down women's throats, you don't deserve a medal for having a natural birth. I have had an epidural, after eleven hours of full on, painful labour and I've never wanted to kiss a woman as much as I did that anaesthetist. I've also had a natural birth because I could deal with the pain, as labour only lasted three hours. The latter did not make me a better person, or a better mother!

I even heard at antenatal classes one husband laughably saying, 'we don't want to have an epidural' wtf.

I agree with those who say, 'go with the flow and be open to any possibilities'. Having a Caesarian is generally down to medical need, not personal stoicism. It's like having a go at someone because their medical situation doesn't allow them to have keyhole surgery. There is no correlation between those mothers who had natural births, breast-fed or followed other stricture and their ability to parent in the long term . Just like the wedding isn't as important as the marriage; the childbirth is nothing compared to the rest of the baby's life.

wishing you a lovely rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your new baby.

We are really bad about informed choice with natural birth in this country. Though that is about to change with new guidance.

The key question you need is:

What position is my baby in?

Asked at the start of labour.

The whole thing can be predicted from there.

For example, a first time mum with a back to back baby is very likely to need forceps & episiotomy, and potentially an emergency section. So you might want to have a more "elective" section earlier on.

But a well progressing labour with baby in textbook position is likely to continue to progress well even if the baby is biggish.

Don't panic...not good for blood pressure .....try to relax. One way or another baby will need to come out....how you deliver isn't important...what is important is that you and baby are fine...if you are in pain,say so ...have pain relief ...as for a big baby...my last child was11lbs2 oz....I'm still here.with a working fanjo...having plenty of sex 😜

Louisee
I had a screamer next to me when I was having DS2. She was next to me on the post natal ward too. She was quite young, from my DH's culture where nobody had told her what to expect when giving birth. I know the culture and I strongly suspect they had been shrugging their shoulders and saying its natural, its normal, your grandmother had 12 children all at home (DH's mum had 12 at home with no running water etc.)...
Consequently, she was bloody terrified when it started to really hurt, she thought she was going to die (she told me this) and she was still terrified when she was on the ward with her baby.

Failing to give women proper information about what to expect when giving birth is fucking cruel. She wasn't a dramatic idiot she was a terrified, poorly informed, young women who didn't have the information she needed to make sensible choices about things like pain relief.

Its far better than women are realistic with each other and say yes child birth can be painful but there are pain relief options if needed. Yes things don't always go to plan but that doesn't mean that they are going wrong. Medical intervention is sometimes necessary but that doesn't mean you failed at giving birth.

Everyone is different and everyones body copes differently to this natural occurance. In my experience first and second were traumatic, third i asked for a c-section but was refused. After another even more traumatic birth it is now on my records that should i have anymore it will be by planned section. Believe me, there will not be any more!
Its a part of your body you only really know when you have gone through or tried childbirth for the first time at least. Will power and determination have nothing to do with whether you will tear or not unfortunatly. Just keep your options open on the day. Good luck.

OP, please don't get yourself into a flap about this, my labour was a bloody nightmare, it was a 72 hour slog, a bloody drip that left my whole body one mass contraction, no anaesthetic for 5 hours, followed by 2 epidurals, both failed and to top it all off a back to back delivery at 8.5 cm dilated.
Masses of stitches, tbh it looked like a bloody car crash down there!
But guess what, 20 minutes after this horror, I was up, having a shower, starving and wanting a cup of tea! My darling baby was also supposed to be a whopper, they actually said 12lb, and I almost passed out! She was 7lb6oz, and very long and skinny, she's 11 now and still very long and skinny!
As for breastfeeding, it can be tricky, I have massive boobs, and latching on was hard, an older midwife showed me to lie her on her back on the bed, and literally dangle your nipple into their mouth! Worked a treat!
Be open minded, trust yourself, your body is designed to do this, but don't suffer too much, the birthing nazis are just not worth it! Good luck, you'll do brilliantly!

Louisee that's nice and supportive isn't it? Dramatic idiots? Not everyone can give birth naturally, sometimes it's more important to get the baby out safely which whatever intervention necessary.

*with

aspergallus what's the evidence for that? My DD was back to back and she's my first. My labour was six hours from start to finish! Ok I had an episiotomy, but it wasn't that big a deal - it's healed really well.

If someone had told me that I was likely to have a very difficult time in labour and offered an elective caesarean I'd have been absolutely terrified. And it would have been completely unnecessary!

My advice - sod no pain relief. Why not? It's designed to help you! You wouldn't have an operation without anesthetic? Get on the gas and air as soon as you can and don't let it go! I was flying on the back of the Golden Eagle in LOTR! Find a position that feels comfortable, for me it was bent over on all fours.
Listen to the natural urges of your body. The Midwive kept trying to bully me into pushing when there was no urge. I found resisting the urge as long as possible and relaxing, then pushing was a lot better.

I just focused my mind and listened to the urging. I didn't do any antenatal classes or anything.

I had one small tear that was left to heal on its own.

Good luck. Relax.

Don't worry - if childbirth was so terrible the human race would have died out by now. I have two children, one just over 7lb and one almost 8 at birth and I must say it wasn't a picnic but the labour was forgotten almost at once - as one contributor said who had had a pretty bad time by the sound of it! The whole point is that it is productive pain - there is a reward at the end ! Some of my friends had absolutely amazing births with just two pushes and not much pain, others had quite a long labour but we all went on to have more, so good luck, and like all the rest of us, you will survive.

I have 4 children, all vaginal deliveries. Had an episiotomy for the 5lb with epidural, epidural for 8.5lb second, gas and air for 9lb third and gas and air / pethidine for after pains for 8lb fourth child. 4 in 5 years - last 3 deliveries - no tears or stitches.
Childbirth is not pain free but it is an awesome experience and I would do it again tomorrow. Dont be scared - but keep your mind open and try to follow the instructions of the midwife looking after you and zone everything else out.
I am a doctor and have delivered lots of babies too - I had no 'birth plan' apart from "get the baby out safely and as painlessly possible for both of us". Don't sweat it if you need more pain relief than you planned, everyone is different and there are no medals at the end.
If I were doing it again, I would plan to use gas and air - and you dont need training in that, it is not rocket science.
Labour is hard work but the most rewarding hard work you will ever do.

P.s. I hadn't read the whole thread but I've just skimmed some of the responses.

I can't believe some women feel like failures for having caesarean sand interventions. That's awful. It's nothing to be bothered out as long as the end result is a heathy Mother and baby. I do believe the fact I was so relaxed had a small part to play. But some of it is just down to luck. Both mine were back to back hence why I found being on all fours comfortable.

A Dr (not medical a research professor) did a study on intervention and she found it doesn lead to more.

*does

Oh dear!
Whoever told you giving birth is PAINLESS seriously have never ever given birth themselves.
It is very painful, but in a different way. It's nothing like the worst period you've ever had, not comparable, it's like in a different dimension.
I don't think there is a way to describe what it is like before you experience it. So please for your own sake, don't make any assumptions and expectations.
It is very hard work, that's why it's called labour, not relaxing.
But in the same time - you can do it. As every woman out there - your body knows what to do, just don't interfere. Try not to be scared as adrenaline surge (as when you're scared) will delay the process (it's the natural reaction of the body). If you have choice and this would make you feel more confident, surround yourself with people who know what is going to be like and understand the process, like doula or knowledgeable birth assistants. Hire someone if you can.
Keep an open mind. First births can be long, anything can happen, trust that your midwives and doctors will take the best decision for you and your baby. Be flexible and accept whatever happens. You'll have the best gift in life to cherish after.
Good luck!

With your dimensions you might end up needing a caesarian! My natural birthing stuff was fab whilst I was in labour. Warm baths, walking up stairs, massage, listening to music etc. I also used a TENS machine which really helped too and can be used for all three stages. It really numbs the pain. You can hire from Boots. Still classed as natural. Your body is designed to dilate and expand and if you pant rather than push its supposed to limit tearing. I ended up having an 8 11 baby via caesar as her head was too big for my pelvis. If you find it all too much there is no shame in any form of pain relief and needing that or a caesarian doesn't make you any less of a Mum. I was certainly welcome at my NCT reunion!