To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

[user1466488499]

Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I had DS1 (7lb 14oz, 26 hour labour ending in many, many interventions) and DS2 (10lbs on the nose, no interventions, 4 hour labour) naturally and am quite slim-hipped. My body just knew what to do. Out of the two DS2 was by far the better labour; I was fitter and swam throughout the pregnancy every day which helped, and I spent most of the labour in the bath breathing through my contractions, was home eating a bag of fish and chips on the sofa by 8pm (he was born at just gone 2pm).

Every woman's body and labour is different. But there's absolutely no rule that bigger babies are more difficult to birth (unless you're looking at my friends 14lb one who came out the same size as a toddler).

I had thought I was very active first time, although I did sit on the sofa at the end of each day, but ended up posterior - I think some babies prefer that way.

I think it's luck or lack of it.

I have been told by my midwife that an anterior placenta can mean its more likely your baby ends up posterior. How true this is, I don't know. But it was certainly the case for DD. And my placenta is anterior again this time, so I guess time will tell....

Please don't have a birthing plan. It will just disappoint you, if it doesn't go well.

Most important thing, is that baby is delivered safely, and that you are both ok. That's the bottom line.

Some Mum's have a pain free birth, but please don't expect this. Mine were hideously painful. My mistake was not demanding pain relief as soon as pain was present. The midwives were really stretched and would take FOREVER to respond to your requirements, meaning that pain relief took far too long coming.

You wouldn't go in to hospital for a painful procedure, and refuse pain relief. Why would you do so for child birth? You don't get a badge of honour for it. And NO-ONE will ever ask you, whether you had pain relief. No-one cares.

So, in a nutshell, I would say:

• Go in with an open mind
• Take midwife/Dr advice as you go along
• Ask for pain relief, as soon as you start to feel uncomfortable

Good luck!

Whilst pregnant with my first, I had a strict birth plan saying I didn't want any medication except gas and air, and most certainly didn't want an epidural.

I also said that I wanted to exclusively breastfeed.

I wasn't informed by ANY of my midwives how difficult labour and breastfeeding really is. Of course, they encouraged me and said: "That's great," but I feel like I should have been given the full scenario of what can happen.

I ended up having an epidural at 3cm dilated, and breastfeeding was ridiculously difficult (baby was tongue tied as well, which didn't help) and I opted for the bottle instead (milk, not alcohol)

Leave your options open. Every labour is different, and nobody handles pain exactly the same way as somebody else. So, keep an open mind, go with the flow and if you end up not having a natural birth and taking all the pain relief under the sun, don't worry about it!

I loved my epidural. I had been through quite a few hours of natural labour and was registering my pain at 9/10 by the time I got it and literally wanted to die. The midwife let it wear off anyway so I could push, so in reality it just meant I saved hours of horrific pain in the middle.

But seriously... don't get hung up on the labour - I don't know anyone who cared how they gave birth after the event, so long as they had a healthy baby x

I don't know anyone who cared how they gave birth after the event, so long as they had a healthy baby

Or any baby who gave a flying fudge

My DD was back to back and her head was on the 98th percentile. I'm not known for my high pain threshold but I only had gas and air. Not because I made the definite choice beforehand to only have gas and air, just because my labour was very fast and there wasn't really time for anything else. I did tear but it's healed really well.

I wish I'd spent a lot less time worrying about childbirth because honestly, the first few weeks of being a mother have been much harder! Wonderful, but often quite challenging.

If I had my time again I'd have spent less time planning for the birth and more time getting mentally prepared for actually having a baby, particularly breastfeeding.

I think it's about position rather than size. My second was over 4.7kg but head was stuck back in an awkward position and each contraction just jammed him further into a nerve which was excutiating. Once he was in the right position with forceps he came out relatively easily (although by that point it was immaterial).

Epidurals can be great. Mine was totally patchy though so didn't do enough to mask the pain.

I'd wanted a home birth but ended up being induced and having an epidural. It doesn't matter to me that I didn't have a home birth now I have an amazing daughter and I still feel like I had a positive birth experience despite it not going to plan. I needed the epidural as the syntocin drip can be brutal otherwise and I'd do the same again in that position. I don't feel inferior to women who didn't have pain relief.

Birth is not easy whatever the size of baby! My daughter was only 6lb 8 oz and I tore but I've known lots of women who have suffered no trauma with big babies. I was chatting to one the other day who said that her bigger daughter was easier to give birth to than her smaller one. Go in calm, relaxed and just go with it. I'm not a great believer in birth plans but can highly recommend Gas and air and a water birth. I'm expecting number 2 any day and will defiantly be aiming for a water birth again as such a lovely experience! Make sure your birthing partner included as well. My husband was treated brilliantly by the midwife and experienced skin to skin with my daughter which was amazing for him. Don't worry whatever happens as long as you are both healthy after birth that is the main thing! Good luck!

Please try not to worry. I actually had a pain free labour - the only feelings I had were slight niggles in my back which I tried to time but had to give up as they went away. I was described by the midwife as a 'silent labourer'! I know I was lucky and probably a rarity, but it does happen! The only slight disadvantage was that I had no urge to push. I hope when your time comes it will be easy :)

As others have said all births are very different obviously. Having said that, I had a home birth with no pain relief at all (I live in a state where midwives have only become licenced since ds's birth) even gas and air wasn't allowed. I'm 5 foot 2 and (was) a size six and ds was 8 pounds.

It really wasn't that bad to be honest. And I was PETRIFIED. (Hospital birth wasn't really a choice even if I'd wanted it as we couldn't afford it with no healthcare.) I have the lowest pain tolerance, am usually a massive hypochondriac and it really was pretty manageable. Even with 8 straight hours of pushing.

A few things to say:

1. Scans are very inaccurate as estimating weight. Ds1 was est. a 9 pounder, he was 7lbs3oz.

1. Don't get hung up on how they come out, it the baby not the method that's important. I had two C-sections as both babies (both back to back & got stuck). I was bummed about not having a single natural birth, felt I 'failed' and refused to use the phrase 'gave birth' for a long, long time. Could have done without piling that negativity on myself.

1. It's never going to be easy and for some women it is just less hassle than for others. It can't be said too often: each birth is different. Just like breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park initially but some women find it much easier with some babies than others (I found it a steep learning curve with ds1 and it was 7 weeks before it really clicked but even so I still had to adjust and learn over all again with ds2 - thankfully quicker than 7 weeks! - as each baby is different. And I have done extended breastfeeding with both of mine)

Good luck!

The ONLY plan you should have for your baby's birth is no plan. You could pop a 10lb baby out no bother, or need every intervention known to mankind. It doesn't matter.

OP, I see what you're saying.

I question the balance of information that women are given before they give birth.

For example: during my 9 hours of antenatal class there was no discussion of what happens if you have an induction or a CS. It was all meditating through the pain and how lovely a water birth can be.

As someone who had gestational diabetes I knew I wasn't getting near a MLU and so basically none of it applied to me. What was sold as horribly medical and handing my control over was what I was going to get, like it or not, for mine and my baby's health.

There were regular tours of the MLU so you could feel familiar with it, but none of the regular words.

These were NHS classes, by the way.

In my mind it's similar to the feeding advice. It's gone so far that now HCPs can't advise on bottle feeding when the truth is that a vast percentage of women could use that advice.

It feels like we're being sold something that is actually out of our hands. Which ironically does not help things like post natal depression rates.

Get in the mindset now. You can do this naturally. Its painful but not unmanageable or women wouldnt have babies every second of the day. Ignore the dramatic idiots you can hear screaming next door in the delivery suites (you do get them im afraid ) Just concentrate on yourself and getting through it to meet your baby x

I totally agree with the poster who said that birth is unpredictable. However, I did Hypnobirthing and managed to have both of my DDs without drugs (no gas & air). Dd1 was 56 hours from first contraction to birth, and was born at hospital. I stayed at home for most of the contractions and went into hospital after my waters broke and she was born 8 hours later. She was 9lb10oz. I am 5'5" and when not pg, a very average BMI (around 9 and a half stone). DD2 was born at home, 4.5 hours from first contraction to birth, she was 9lbs3oz. I think I was lucky that they were both in a good position for birth and my husband was massively supportive, and I had great midwives. The Hypnobirthing massively helped but I think that lots of other factors contributed.

At the end of the day, I would have been happy to have all the drugs in the world and a c section to get my babies out safely. There are no medals for how you birth. Safety first!

But, in answer to your question, yes, it is entirely possible to have big babies vaginally without drugs.

Although they are wonderful amazing human beings- Midwives are absolute buggers for telling these first time mums to have no pain relief during birth and then not to give any when it's REALLY BAD.. It's quite sad that this happens and some women I know whose kids are 6/7 years old still have nightmares about the birth because it was excruciating (sorry writer of this post!) I understand the need for not exposing the baby but it's getting ridiculous how like hippies they are! Give the woman some drugs- it might help her push and make your life easier midwife!! Good luck anyway. It's worth it in the end when you hold your Little baby.

I was told mine looked huge. They estimated 12lbs! I was terrified but as it happened, she was 7lb13oz. It is not unusual for them to get it quite wrong from what I've heard from others. You can always have in mind what you'd like but things rarely go as planned , keep an open mind. Nobody gets any medals for doing it without pain relief, so if you feel you need it, take it. You won't be letting anyone down or be less of a good mum.

I had a natural birth as in, I had no pain relief.

I was induced by pessary so not natural in that respect. But no drip.

I'm not going to lie to you, it fucking hurt. It really really fucking hurt. BUT, unlike you I was not prepared. I had not planned for a natural birth, I had not done any hypnobirthing, I had not even learned any breathing techniques.

I wanted a water birth, but was not allowed one due to being induced.

I wanted pain relief if not in the water, but no fucker believed I was having 'proper' contractions, and by the time I had convinced the HCA to get me a bloody midwife, it was too late and I was pushing. (Incidentally nobody believed I was ready to push either which meant I ended up giving birth in induction suite, and giving everyone in the room a firm 'I told you fucking so' afterwards)

However do not be put off by my experience. Loads of people have natural births and fly through it. Every birth is different!

Also with the weight thing, mine was about half a pound bigger than they thought so don't worry too much, baby might be smaller than they think.

You can't really predict what's going to happen and I would just suggest going in with an open mind cos although you have a plan your baby doesn't have a copy.

I was devastated when I couldn't have the water birth I had planned, so if I have another I won't even bother making a plan to be honest

Oh and what really pissed me off was the midwife offering me gas and bloody air whilst I had my stitches.... Could I not have had that 10 minutes ago love?!

I had a large baby 10lb 8oz at home in the birthing pool with a minor second degree year which I didn't feel at all! We hypno birthed and had a doula it was just lovely!!! I breathed through the surges and feeling my body push was awesome. My first baby was a 3 day induction and o was terrified and ended up with an epidural but this time was amazing so don't let any negative thoughts Enter your head, you got this xx

All the way through my 3rd pregnancy they kept telling me he was going to be a big baby 95th centile ... He was 7lb 3oz on the 25th centile. These things are mostly guess work and often wrong. Good luck you'll be fine.

Like everyone else have said, birth is very different for everyone and each birth is different for the individual woman, so just stay open minded and take it as it comes. I also said I didn't want any other pain releif than gas and air but ended up with a half dose of morphin and then managed a natural birth in the pool for the rest with gas and air, it wasn't painless but it went fine and I'm glad I didn't have to have any interventions, but now I'm expecting again and keeping an open kid get the next birth could be different entirely!