DD was missing, inside school, for 2 hours... I'm a bit concerned! AIBU?

[FairyCakes2009]

Hi there, about 5 years ago, I had an account, but never started any threads, so I'm a bit nervous! If I'm concerned over nothing, please don't flame me. I'm willing to listen.

My daughter (2nd daughter) is 6, she is in Year 1. The school do an end of year assembly; all the children take part, with each class doing their own little production. They have been practicing every morning (this was yesterday, obviously) and they do that at 9:30-10:30, in the school hall. DD asked to go to the toilet, half way through the practice, so I completely understand why her teacher wanted to say no. DD is very shy, so she wouldn't have asked again (I don't know if she did or didn't, but I'm 99% sure she wouldn't have)... DD wet herself, I'm not mad at the teacher for not allowing her to go, I am a bit "I really wish you let her" but they were in the middle of the practice, so she obviously hoped she could wait.

DD had managed to get out of the line (while they were walking back to their classroom) and went to hide in the toilets. By the way, this is my second daughter's account of what happened, with some of DD2's input. I'll get to why DD1 was involved, in just a second.

I have no idea if any teacher/staff member went to look for her, but DD1 was asked, at lunchtime (so 2 hours later) if she knew where her sister was. DD1, who is 10, had no idea... She went looking for her though, found her crying in the toilets, and brought her to her classroom. The TA got her a carrier bag to put her tights in, and provided her with some new underwear.

DD1 was staying over her friend's house last night, so I didn't hear any of this until today (friend's mum picked her up from school). DD2 told me she had wet herself, but that was it... However, when I asked her about it, she said pretty much the same thing as her sister.

I'm just a bit concerned that no one told me about this, or would a teacher not mention this? I'm not having a go at her teacher, I'm just genuinely curious if this is something that wouldn't be mentioned... I also don't like the fact that no one had seen her for 2 hours, she's only 6. I know she probably couldn't have gotten into any danger, but you never know.

Thank you for any advice that you may give x

Even if the kids didn't have set places and this child had no friends in the class, the teacher would have noticed when she gave out the books.
The only way she wouldn't have noticed for two hours in the classroom is if:

• the kids didn't have set places
• they weren't doing any work in books
• the girl didn't have any friends who would have said 'Jane is missing'
• she didn't get called out to do any 1:1 reading

However long the little girl was missing, it's pretty odd for staff to ask her sister where she might be rather than just take responsibility and find her, quick!
I'm afraid there were several incidents like this at my DCs infant school - he was a bit forgetful, and they mislaid him more than once (on one occasion they told me he'd already been collected at the end of the day, then just as I was about to call the police, they found they'd put him in after school club!).

I never succeeded in getting them to take responsibility (he survived to get to 2ndary school thankfully!), but you might have better luck :-); I'd suggest talking to the head, in the spirit of helping the school to firm up on their procedures, to make sure they keep the children safe and accounted for - start very constructive, and if they are dismissive, explain that you did not feel that their care of your DD was adequate, and need to feel confident that nothing like it will happen again.

Well if she was still wet when her sister found her I doubt she'd been there for two hours.

I had a chat last week with a foundation year teacher, and a separate parent who has been in class as it's the end of term they're not doing as much 'formal' work - sitting and doing work sheets. There's been lots of rehearsals for end of year performances and sports day practice. Also they may have gone straight out to playtime - ours is about 10:30, so it would have been harder to see who was there or not.

Rumpel I remember wetting myself not long before the end of the school day (my fault if left it too late) got on the school bus and was still soaking when I got home an hour later. If she'd sat down it won't dry fast.

The only way she wouldn't have noticed for two hours in the classroom is if:
- the kids didn't have set places Very possible in year 1
- they weren't doing any work in books Very possible, it could be work sheets, craft, free reading.......
- the girl didn't have any friends who would have said 'Jane is missing' May be they didn't get a chance to say anything to the teacher.
- she didn't get called out to do any 1:1 reading Very possible in a class of 30.

It would be easy to lose DD in her school TBF, they are streamed for lots of things so she might go straight from rehersal to a streamed subject and that teacher wouldn't know if DD was in or not (unless she'd seen her earlier in the day). In Year 1, none of DD's friends would mention she was missing either. Now she's in Year 2, I think she would speak up and in fact I will use this thread to remind her to do so.

Doesn't make it acceptable though. I'd definitely speak to the school in a calm way and maybe the teacher should do a quick eyeball of the class between activities, before they move onto the next thing.

My child's school has a "drink water all day long" policy, so it's inevitable there will be frequent trips to the loo.

The couple of times my child has been told to wait before going to the toilet he's become a little worried he'd wet himself. I've therefore told him he has the right to go, regardless of the teacher telling him not to and to politely say, "I really can't wait" and excuse himself.

You simply cannot have children suffering the embarrassment and awkwardness of wetting themselves in front of classmates.

I'm not surprised your DD hid herself away; at only 6, she wouldn't have known what to do, and probably hoped someone would find her a lot sooner than 2 hours and help her!

This is a bit odd. I'm a teacher and I'd like to think this wouldn't happen, but in reality in a classroom that is contained and safe teachers wouldn't be constantly headcounting.

I'd check the toilets at break times, lunchtimes etc to check nobody was in there and often if children are in the loo too long I'd go and check. But that would be because they'd asked me to go and I knew who was in there. I can't say I headcount during my lessons as I know the environment is contained and safe. I am teaching, not counting heads constantly.

It's an unusual circumstance because she took herself off there and therefore no adult knew she was there to remember to check on her in a few minutes. (If I understood OP correctly).

If a child isn't in the classroom, literally the only place they could be is in the loo. I don't understand why your other daughter was asked where she was when the loo is the most obvious place to check first?

I'd definitely go in and politely ask for the whole story before getting too fired up. I think it's a bit of an unfortunate sequence of events that happened at a time of transition.

I know I'm going to be slated for this reply but just remember teachers have 30 children to look after and if they are taking themselves off that can prove challenging to monitor unless you happen to notice a certain child is missing. The classroom is an enclosed, safe environment and does not require constant headcounting, or we'd never teach! Even if we did headcount every half an hour or so, that could still be a child sitting in the loo for 30 minutes if they'd gone without us knowing.

It requires children to understand that taking themselves off without telling an adult is not a great idea, despite how upset they may be.

My son was missing for one hour at secondary school. He had run out of class as he was distressed (ASD) and hid down a fire escape.

The school only realised he was missing when I went to the school after he had phoned me saying he had missed lunch and was hungry.

The school could have easily of covered it up but they didn't and openly said this was a safeguarding issue.

I would definitely want to know what happened as I would be concerned it could happen again.

Desolate - I'd say that's a fairly unusual set of circumstances over 2 hours in a Year 1 classroom. More likely if she was in the toilet for 20 minutes.

I'd be absolutely fuming and devastated that a primary school didn't notice a 6 yr old wasn't in their care for two hours!

I would complain big time to the head and copy to the governors.
Just because they were practicing the school play
A) they should still have allowed her to go to the loo
B) doesn't mean they can let kids wander off without supervision.

They should do a report and look into how it happened.
Don't get me started on not letting kids go to the loo. That's a whole other subject and one where many primary schools totally fail children and parents.

Desolate - I'd say that's a fairly unusual set of circumstances over 2 hours in a Year 1 classroom. More likely if she was in the toilet for 20 minutes.

Either it was a much shorter length of time or it could have happened as follows:

9.30 - 10.30 practice play.
10.30 DD goes to the toilets. Rest of the children go straight out to play.
10.45 children back in. As the morning has been busy with the play they might do something more fun to wind down. This may not have involved sitting at tables or working in books.
12.00 lunch time. Teacher notices that DD hasn't picked her lunch box up and starts the search.

For the record children do lie about needing the toilet all the time.

A few things worry me if your DDs account is accurate. ( I'm not saying she's lying, but my DS (5yo) went missing for 10 hours. In reality I knew he was under his bed for 20 minutes )

Why was she able to walk out of the line and go to the toilet alone? With one adult at the front and one at the back children can't slip out of the line easily.
If she was in there for 2 hours why did no one know she was missing? We have regular checks of the toilets to check for children playing in there.
Why did they ask DD1? The toilets should have been the next place to look after the hiding holes in the classroom.

Would definitely go and talk to the teacher and see what they say x

My dd is yr one and this is so :( I would hate for this to happen to her. Hope your ddd is ok after her upset.

They didn't loose your child your child went and hid in the bathroom.

I very much doubt it was 2hours she was hiding for... 6 year old have no idea on time tbh

Apart from the not noticing that she wasn't there, have a look at The Right To Go

I'd be very concerned. I know a child who had a thing for toilets. In Reception he slipped out of the lunch line and went to the toilet to flush it repeatedly. The whole school went on lockdown until he was located. Two hours and having a teacher casually asking a 10 year old would concern me.
Go in calmly and ask the teacher what happened.

Oh and his mother was informed about the whole story at pick-up.

Never happened

Your poor DD, she must have been so upset. How is she now?

Our school with 250 is classed as large, I'd say 450 was huge.

I'm a retired teacher and I can see how this could have happened. DCs ask to go to the toilet all the time and I would often ask if they could wait if we were in the middle of something or if it was 5 minutes to break time. Sometimes they would say they couldn't and off they'd go. I didn't keep a list of who had left the room to go to the toilet and cross off their names when they got back. The expectation is that they go to the toilet and come back. I think that somewhere in my brain I would register if they hadn't come back but if I hadn't been asked, I probably wouldn't.

The DC didn't ask again and went to the toilets as the DCs were leaving the hall and the teacher didn't know she wasn't with them because she hadn't asked for permission. The expectation would be that she was with the rest of the DCs.

I know of no teacher of younger DCs who constantly does headcounts and, as far as the teacher knew, the DC was in the classroom with the others.

I'm surprised that her absence wasn't commented on by one of the others but if the DCs weren't sitting at their home tables I can see how she wouldn't be missed by the teacher, TA or the other DCs.

It's an unfortunate and unusual combination of circumstances.

I would be surprised if it was two hours too. To those saying she should have been allowed to go remember they were practising for the assembly they were probably in the hall which may be a distance from the toilets. This might have been why the teacher didn't want her to go.
I'd be surprised if she had been in the toilet for two hours because if anyone is crying in the toilets other kids would usually come and say. If children are missing from class that is usually the first place you would look. You don't head count in class. You head count before going on trips and about 8 times during the day but at school just morning and afternoon register. I'm surprised her friends didn't say something unless it was free choice which means lots of moving around the classroom and more difficult to monitor and 30 is a lot if that is the class number.
I would go and ask the teacher calmly and listen to her version. As much as we all like to believe our kids they do sometimes get things skewed so you may hear a different version.

In my DCs' school they had toilet passes. They were laminated and hopefully sprayed with disinfectant occasionally Any child going to the loo had to take one with them and then bring it back. There were three of them, meaning that a maximum of three children could be out of the room at any given time. They were allowed to drink water during the day and so they could go to the loo if they put their hand up and there was an available pass. They also did a whole class loo break in mid afternoon up to age 6.

The students were always supposed to line up in alphabetical order when going anywhere as a class. The line leader changed weekly but the rest of the line stayed in place. This made it really easy to spot a missing student, both for teachers and students - the child in front of you or behind you would notice you were missing. Lining up in order meant less reliance on headcounting, which could take time and wasn't always accurate if students moved around or if there were identical twins, etc.

I think it's odd that they asked the older DD if she knew where her sister was. I also think it's odd that they didn't check the loos themselves. I would contact the school, because two hours looks accurate by your account, and that is a long time for an absence not to be noticed.