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AIBU?

DD was missing, inside school, for 2 hours... I'm a bit concerned! AIBU?

141 replies

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 21:02

Hi there, about 5 years ago, I had an account, but never started any threads, so I'm a bit nervous! If I'm concerned over nothing, please don't flame me. I'm willing to listen.

My daughter (2nd daughter) is 6, she is in Year 1. The school do an end of year assembly; all the children take part, with each class doing their own little production. They have been practicing every morning (this was yesterday, obviously) and they do that at 9:30-10:30, in the school hall. DD asked to go to the toilet, half way through the practice, so I completely understand why her teacher wanted to say no. DD is very shy, so she wouldn't have asked again (I don't know if she did or didn't, but I'm 99% sure she wouldn't have)... DD wet herself, I'm not mad at the teacher for not allowing her to go, I am a bit "I really wish you let her" but they were in the middle of the practice, so she obviously hoped she could wait.

DD had managed to get out of the line (while they were walking back to their classroom) and went to hide in the toilets. By the way, this is my second daughter's account of what happened, with some of DD2's input. I'll get to why DD1 was involved, in just a second.

I have no idea if any teacher/staff member went to look for her, but DD1 was asked, at lunchtime (so 2 hours later) if she knew where her sister was. DD1, who is 10, had no idea... She went looking for her though, found her crying in the toilets, and brought her to her classroom. The TA got her a carrier bag to put her tights in, and provided her with some new underwear.

DD1 was staying over her friend's house last night, so I didn't hear any of this until today (friend's mum picked her up from school). DD2 told me she had wet herself, but that was it... However, when I asked her about it, she said pretty much the same thing as her sister.

I'm just a bit concerned that no one told me about this, or would a teacher not mention this? I'm not having a go at her teacher, I'm just genuinely curious if this is something that wouldn't be mentioned... I also don't like the fact that no one had seen her for 2 hours, she's only 6. I know she probably couldn't have gotten into any danger, but you never know.

Thank you for any advice that you may give x

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Pearlman · 09/07/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:04

Does anyone know if toilet use will be on a policy? If so, any idea what one?

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sleeponeday · 09/07/2016 22:05

I'm not happy with their toilet policy, especially for KS1, but I have heard it's the same for a lot of schools?

I've not heard of this around here. Not anywhere. And I hated my child's first school - with good reason, they had enforced action over their SEN provision. They still allowed toilet breaks on request. They are very, very small still. Often by the time they notice they need to go, they're bursting.

It's a hard situation with the bereavement, and if you really like the teacher, maybe go and see her after pick-up and ask what happened? She must feel awful about it, too. An apology and explanation might reassure you.

I'd also be asking the Governors why 5/6 year olds can't go to the loo on request - is this a huge school or something?

Balletblue · 09/07/2016 22:05

Two hours crying in the toilet is a long time. At that age there are children in and out the toilet every five minutes - surely another child might have noticed her there? I should try and get some facts from the school on Monday. Maybe the practice didn't start until after morning break?

ophiotaurus · 09/07/2016 22:05

Surely they should have noticed she wasn't there after that amount of time.
In our school they do head counts before leaving a room and when they get somewhere new.

Fairuza · 09/07/2016 22:07

I can understand not noticing she was gone, especially if she is a quiet child.
Registers are taken first thing and after lunch. If it was an unusual morning (in the hall for rehearsals rather than children sitting at their normal tables) I can understand the teacher not noticing one child out of 30 missing.

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:07

It has around 420 pupils, so not huge, I don't think?

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DixieNormas · 09/07/2016 22:08

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sleeponeday · 09/07/2016 22:08

Pearlman your thinking sounds that of a secondary teacher. Especially when you comment that you might well not notice a missing student - I understand that, because secondary teaching is very different from KS1.

Not sure why you find that arguable, TBH.

Balletgirlmum · 09/07/2016 22:09

YANBU. I'm appalled that a primary child could be missing for that long

My ds who is a lot older in year 7 of secondary went missing for over an hour but it sparked a full scale search including asking me to go into school. The next step would have been to call the police. (He was eventually found hiding in a cupboard we suspect asd)

Now it's a lot easier Id have thought for a child to go missing in secondary than primary.

Fairuza · 09/07/2016 22:10

I've worked in three primary schools and never seen a teacher do a headcount within the school building.

Two hours does seem unlikely though, if the rest of the children were in the classroom and children and possibly adults were in and out of the toilets. Surely when all the children went to wash their hands before lunch, possibly with an adult supervising, she would have been noticed?

Coffeelover56 · 09/07/2016 22:12

I would speak to the teacher on Monday. Seems strange that they asked DD1 to look for her without checking the toilets themselves. That's the most obvious place she'd be surely?

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:12

Fairuza - there are 2 toilets that KS1 use. There are KS1 toilets, which are used for hand washing, etc. then there are toilets for the whole school, which KS1 will use at break, along with the other years, she was hiding in that one, it is closest to the hall.

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Obeliskherder · 09/07/2016 22:13

The continence charity, ERIC, is campaigning for children's "right to go" to the loo. www.eric.org.uk/Campaigns/TheRightToGo

The important thing here is the 2 hours, of course, but it might be worth flagging this when you follow up at school, which of course you must. DD will probably need to be allowed to go to the loo whenever she asks for a while (there will some children in most classes who are allowed to already, due to their own toiletting issues - these things are much more common than most people think.)

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:13

Coffeelover56 - I would assume so, yes...

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Pearlman · 09/07/2016 22:14

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MerilwenRose · 09/07/2016 22:14

It sounds like you have a lot of time for her teacher, could you approach her for an informal chat about it? And maybe write an email to the head about the toilet policy without criticising the teacher? I teach secondary, not primary, but in a class of 30 I can understand how a child (particularly a quiet one) could get overlooked. I bet the teacher feels bloody awful about it, and it sounds like a genuine mistake.

PatriciaHolm · 09/07/2016 22:15

You need to go into school, calmly, on monday and ask what happened.

In our primary (450 kids) I can't imagine for one minute how a child's absence would be missed for 2 hours. Their school friends would be saying - where's X? The teachers/TA would notice; anyone who went to the toilet (from any year) would come back saying X is crying in the toilets.

That's not to say it's completely impossible in any school, but I do think it's unlikely.

Pearlman · 09/07/2016 22:15

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sleeponeday · 09/07/2016 22:16

Fairy if they have separate KS1 loos, I don't see why they have the policy. I actually assumed that your school didn't, and that explained the difference. If they do, then why don't they recognise that small children need access to loos on demand? The Reception kids may well have been in nappies a few months earlier - some will have turned 4 a couple of weeks before starting. When does this policy kick in?

Apart from anything else, it seems hard on the teachers to have to change so many wet pants and socks when that's easily avoidable.

DesolateWaist · 09/07/2016 22:18

I can see how this would happen.

Start of the day you take the register. Then off to the hall to practice. When you come back to the classroom you don't do a head count as you have only been in the school building, no real need. A quiet child might not be missed in a busy class during the bustle of a play rehearsal. However I would be surprised if a friend of DD didn't mention it.
I am also surprised that they went to find DD1 before they found her. The toilets is the first place to check really.

I'm not excusing it, but I can see how it would happen.

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:18

sleeponeday - I don't actually know if there is a policy, I assumed... That's terrible of me, to be honest. I am looking now, but I don't know what policy it would come under?

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DesolateWaist · 09/07/2016 22:18

I can see how this would happen.

Start of the day you take the register. Then off to the hall to practice. When you come back to the classroom you don't do a head count as you have only been in the school building, no real need. A quiet child might not be missed in a busy class during the bustle of a play rehearsal. However I would be surprised if a friend of DD didn't mention it.
I am also surprised that they went to find DD1 before they found her. The toilets is the first place to check really.

I'm not excusing it, but I can see how it would happen.

DesolateWaist · 09/07/2016 22:20

sorry for the double post.

FairyCakes2009 · 09/07/2016 22:20

Yes, I have lots of time for mainly all the staff there, they are really good. To be honest, I think it definitely was a mistake, I also think she would feel/feels awful about it, which is why she may not have mentioned it? To be honest, she has been through a lot, it's understandable to make mistakes, but I am a bit upset that my DD was left so upset, even though it was an accident, IYSWIM?

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