DD was missing, inside school, for 2 hours... I'm a bit concerned! AIBU?

[FairyCakes2009]

Hi there, about 5 years ago, I had an account, but never started any threads, so I'm a bit nervous! If I'm concerned over nothing, please don't flame me. I'm willing to listen.

My daughter (2nd daughter) is 6, she is in Year 1. The school do an end of year assembly; all the children take part, with each class doing their own little production. They have been practicing every morning (this was yesterday, obviously) and they do that at 9:30-10:30, in the school hall. DD asked to go to the toilet, half way through the practice, so I completely understand why her teacher wanted to say no. DD is very shy, so she wouldn't have asked again (I don't know if she did or didn't, but I'm 99% sure she wouldn't have)... DD wet herself, I'm not mad at the teacher for not allowing her to go, I am a bit "I really wish you let her" but they were in the middle of the practice, so she obviously hoped she could wait.

DD had managed to get out of the line (while they were walking back to their classroom) and went to hide in the toilets. By the way, this is my second daughter's account of what happened, with some of DD2's input. I'll get to why DD1 was involved, in just a second.

I have no idea if any teacher/staff member went to look for her, but DD1 was asked, at lunchtime (so 2 hours later) if she knew where her sister was. DD1, who is 10, had no idea... She went looking for her though, found her crying in the toilets, and brought her to her classroom. The TA got her a carrier bag to put her tights in, and provided her with some new underwear.

DD1 was staying over her friend's house last night, so I didn't hear any of this until today (friend's mum picked her up from school). DD2 told me she had wet herself, but that was it... However, when I asked her about it, she said pretty much the same thing as her sister.

I'm just a bit concerned that no one told me about this, or would a teacher not mention this? I'm not having a go at her teacher, I'm just genuinely curious if this is something that wouldn't be mentioned... I also don't like the fact that no one had seen her for 2 hours, she's only 6. I know she probably couldn't have gotten into any danger, but you never know.

Thank you for any advice that you may give x

[hotdiggedy]

And you wonder why there is a teacher shortage!!!

[Verbena37]

Oops, typos.....should not be able to use a normal bodily function that should have said.

[Verbena37]

There are two types of people.....the ones, like me, who think children should very much be allowed to go to the loo whenever they need (and yes, that risks some messing about but hey ho) and those who dont tank children should be able to use a normal bodily function, except at certain, timetabled slots.

OP whilst your DDs school may be very lovely and you believe to to be a massive mistake, I would formally write to them (and the governors) as a record that this has happened. Whether or not a head count is taken regularly, isn't relevant. A class tescher of a year 1 should not have a missing child for two hours.
Imagine if they had visited a church for the rehearsal or gone on a school trip to a country park with lakes. Two hours is two hours!
Your dd could have had a seizure or passed out and they wouldn't know.

Plus, when you said the TA checked the toilets, she obviously didn't check hard enough....otherwise she would have found her.

Why are people so apologetic for obvious incompetence. The schools integral child safety system should not have allowed this happen.

Your child's teacher is their carer during the hours whilst you're not there. If she was being looked after by a child minder or a nanny at your home, whilst you were at work, if the carer couldn't find her for two hours, you'd be fuming. Why are posters making out like this is fine?

[ApostrophesMatter]

God forbid teachers have to deal with children who sometimes play silly when going to the toilet. They are children, you are paid to deal with it. Something like this severely damages a child's confidence and is hideous. Can all you "teachers" please state which schools you work in so we can avoid them at all costs.

Please tell us where you live so we never have to deal with you. Your poor DCs are in for a difficult time at school if this is typical of the attitude you have.

[TooManyTables]

I would not be furious, I would go absolutely fucking ballistic. lazyness, pure incompetence and quite frankly negligence by this teacher.

God forbid teachers have to deal with children who sometimes play silly when going to the toilet. They are children, you are paid to deal with it. Something like this severely damages a child's confidence and is hideous. Can all you "teachers" please state which schools you work in so we can avoid them at all costs.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

FairyCakes I think there are two things you can do to make the best of this situation. 1) Is to ask that they talk to DD to apologize and try to get her more comfortable with asking for what she needs. Maybe they could suggest a "signal" or something she could use if she needs to ask a second time so she feels more comfortable doing so? 2) you can ask them to tell you how they are going to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Because poor communication explains why your DD was asked but it doesn't explain why your DD was left for nearly two hours before she was looked for (I'm assuming here that the TA was only looking a short time and they didn't spend two hours waiting to ask your older DD and simply assuming your younger DD had gone home.

[mummytotwins]

What if there had been a fire alarm?! I can't understand losing a 6 year old for 2 hours, how was it not noticed sooner/why was she not found sooner? This rings huge alate bells for me, I would be wanting some proper answers

[sleeponeday]

I'd love to see some of you with your liberal toilet opinions in a classroom where every child is allowed to go when they ask

Then perhaps you should visit my son's school. That's their policy, and to date the sky remains safely overhead.

[hotdiggedy]

I am going to pay close attention to all these school threads where parents are 'fuming/irate' over something just to see how often these words are used. Why would anyone want to work in a school?!

[Ilovemygsd]

Her teacher doesn't sound like a good teacher to me he disappearing for 10 mins, maybe 20 if the school was upside with a big rehearsal or something. But 2 hours?? Id be fuming! I'd be asking her teacher, I'd also be asking what would of happened if there was a fire or even a fire drill? Totally unacceptable. And that's b4 you even think she was crying and upset for those 2 hours.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Don't be absurd GoblinOwl. It's unthinking posts like that that wind people up.

[JolieColombe]

Heard it all now. School makes a 6 year old wet herself then doesn't notice when she's hiding wet and miserable on the loos, and the OP should send in a card and flowers

Maybe the teacher should thank the TA for clearing up her mess - and apologise to the child.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

If you want to know what to do next, how about writing a thank you card and sending in a small bunch of flowers for the TA who had to find, clean up and change your child?

[NervousRider]

One of my biggest concerns with this situation is that the teacher did not tell you. It would make me wonder what else they keep from the parents.

[hotdiggedy]

Goodness. Don't go writing strongly worded letters as has been suggested. They have apologised, you say its a lovely school, lovely teacher. Why do some people seem so hell bent on making the life of those working in schools so difficult?

[Obeliskherder]

Thanks for the update OP. I'm not sure where to go from that either.

The main thing I think is for you to drum into your DD that it's completely fine to share this problem with an adult - teacher, TA or school office.

[user1467101855]

I'd love to see some of you with your liberal toilet opinions in a classroom where every child is allowed to go when they ask

Our school just has toilets in every classroom. It isn't an issue. Why wouldn't a child be allowed to go the toilet?

[CoraPirbright]

Speaking of massive mistakes, what sort of school denies a child the opportunity to go for a pee??? Utterly ridiculous. No wonder the poor mite was mortified when she ended up wetting herself. I would be writing a strongly worded letter of complaint - lovely or not, the school needs to get a grip.

[FairyCakes2009]

Story was correct. TA had looked in the toilet, spoke to the receptionist (to get another staff member to help look), who thought my daughter was the girl who went home (no idea why ) so asked DD1 if she knew why... To be honest, it's all really odd. She said she was incredibly sorry and that it was a whole lot of poor communication. I didn't really know what else to say to that. The school is great, the staff are lovely, I think it was just a massive mistake...

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

As mud wrote:

"Child is six. Had wet herself. Was most likely upset and hugely embarrassed. Didn't know what to do because clothes were wet. Had already asked her teacher if she could go to the toilet but been told no. Was she meant to go up to the teacher and explain she had wet herself? In front of the other children?

She didn't hide in the loos because she was being naughty or disobeying instruction. She hid in the loos because she was upset and embarrassed. Perfectly understandable."

By the way, there are lots of ways for teaching staff to maintain learnings time and control whilst also avoiding poor children wearing themselves and being humiliated in public. I have faith in the teaching profession that they'd be able to deal with this routine part of school life. After all children needing the toilet is hardly a new and surprising circumstance!

[123therearenomoreusernames]

Dd's school operate a toilet pass system. Each class has two a boy one and a girl one. Any child can go to the toilet as long as their isn't another girl/boy out of the class. The system works well. The also can all go at lunch and break except for the younger classes who are also brought out by TA in groups of 5 at midway point of lunch/dinner.

[MudCity]

Agree with mathanxiety....I have seen similar systems work well and they have not caused mass disruption in the classroom at all. Teachers soon get to know which children are constantly asking to use the loo and can identify patterns in their behaviour and look at possible reasons for this.

If a child genuinely needs to use the loo there is no mileage in saying no without good reason. They won't be able to concentrate or focus on their learning until they have been. Surely we can all relate to this? I'm sure many employers would be thrilled if their staff only went to the loo at lunch time and after work. Doesn't work like that though does it? You wouldn't refuse an adult's request to use the loo so why would you refuse a child's request without good reason? I understand teachers are under pressure but being reasonable and humane is possible even in the most pressured environments.

OP, I do hope the school give you some answers and you feel reassured with their response.

[mathanxiety]

I'd love to see some of you with your liberal toilet opinions in a classroom where every child is allowed to go when they ask

As I said upthread, my DCs' school allowed children to drink water during the day in class. There was a signal to go to the loo that was different from raising a hand to answer a question - they raised a fist. The teacher would nod if she noticed the fist up so no verbal interruption was needed. There were three hall passes and if one was available then the child could take it and go. Only three children could be out at any given time. If it looked as if a particular child was out at the loo a lot, then the teachers would call parents.

Liberal (humane?) toilet policies do not result in a free for all.

It could be much more than 'a few minutes' before the next activity. Each class period was about 40 minutes. A child might be crossing her legs for that long, and obviously distracted and perhaps not really paying attention to the phonics or whatever. I wonder how closely the OP's DD was following the rehearsal.

[FitbitAddict]

I took DSD to Legoland when she was 5. We were in the water play bit that's fenced off and has a security guard or member of staff on both the entry gate and exit gate and they have timed sessions so there isn't a constant flow of traffic. I was following her around as best I could when she was in a swimsuit and I was dressed and some areas were knee deep in water and it was spraying in all directions. I temporarily lost sight of her as she moved around and then as I looked for her I found her with a security guard. A mum had noticed her looking upset and taken her over to the guard.

I didn't even mention the incident to DH as it was such a non event - it was only two minutes that I couldn't see her and she was perfectly safe. This blew up in my face when she went back to her mum and told her that I lost her in Legoland for two hours and the security man was called David and he looked after her until I turned up

So, two hours to a five year old is not reliable information. Talk to the teacher and get the real story. If she really was missing for two hours, I'd definitely want to take it further.