DD is starting school in September, but isn't toilet trained.

[BarkingMad12]

Hi. Not sure what to do. DD isn't toilet trained yet, we haven't rushed it at all and did wait until she showed signs, but she never did so we have slowly started trying more and more but it isn't going great. I'm worried as she's closer and closer to going to school.

Do I tell them? If so, when? Also, is she allowed to go? Even though she isn't trained? Advice would be great

I agree with the big girls wear knickers approach and go for it. If you don't try it then you won't know if she can do it and is having mixed messages from you at the moment or if there is a problem. Nearly 4 is quite late in my opinion so you may have missed the signs. I don't think they showed signs, my mum had just told DD to wear panties (I don't say panties so I knew it wasn't her idea!). And she did same with DS but not saying panties! They each took a weekend and I would've waited another 6months if it was up to me to take time off. At least you can give the potty a miss and go straight to the toilet.

I read books, sought advice form other parents bought a whole lot of stuff - children books, dolls, but it just took my oldest two a lot of time to make the connections.

Incidentally my eldest was in cloth nappies but youngest in disposal. I've read cloth nappies help children feel wet and make the connection earlier but didn't in our case.

Letting them run around in normal pants or nothing was messy- and with younger crawling children a bit of a pain. Did take much longer than other parents said it would for mine but did happen in the end.

OP, please do read the info on the ERIC website that fairylea posted. You can also ring their helpline too - they are superb.

granny did the child have sn. If they still need to be changed at recption age or older, high chances they had sn. In the 70s tgere were less playgroups than they were now, women tended to stay at home with the kids and not working. Back in the day you would not say if your child was still wetting, you kept Schtum, now people are more open.

Grannytomine my mum and I were talking about this, and she reminded me of the enormous knicker cupboard in my school (70s), and she said children may have been taken out of nappies earlier, but there were a load more accidents. (she worked in playschools and primary).

Exactly haze just because they were in pants, does not mean a child did not have accídents. Back in the 80s my mums friend had a 3/4 year old girl, they came round, and the girl had an accident on my mums nice shagpile carpet, my mum was 😁

The summer is a good time to encourage. My dd is three and doesn't go until next year. She has autism and is non verbal so can't tell me when she needs to go so unless she's got a bare bottom at home (she'll take herself off to her potty) I have to pop her on whilst we're out and about. It's hard as I can't force her as she has a lot of sensory issues. Would a sticker chart help? Maybe see how she reacts to being wet and if it pushes her on.

Don't stress you are not the first and will not be the last. Talk to your hv for advice - if she's not ready she's just not ready do not worry too much she is still young - once they're ready they can be ready in a day or two it's important to go at her pace wish you all the best x

Aeroflot, I am not talking about children with SN, I see that as a completely different thing. There were actually loads of playgroups in the 70s and all the children I knew went to playgroup. They weren't like nurseries or pre schools now, mums set them up and ran them, they were cheap and often held in church halls or scout huts (the one I worked at/sent my child to was in a scout hut) They weren't designed for working mums and sessions were normally 3 hrs or so. They were set up for kids to play and have a little time away from mum before school. Working mums used nurseries, as I did with my other child, or childminders.

hazeyjane, I worked at the local playgroup and of course kids might have the occasional accident but they were occasional not every day and by the time they were leaving it was even rarer. Even toilet trained children can have the odd accident but I don't think that is what the OP is talking about.

Seems very late to me, esp with a girl. Tbh I'm surprised the nursery haven't spoken to you about training before now

I worked in a 2-3's room (so playgroup before "nursery" year) and they were very keen on training ASAP after kids started

I thought DS was early doing it before 2nd birthday but by the time he was 2.5 I think we only knew one or two still in nappies. Admittedly I only know a few who are already dry at night at 3.5 but I'd be shocked if any of DS NT friends still had them in the day bar long journeys

I really thought in a NT child the only readiness you need is vocabulary or way to let you know they have weed or pood

The summer holidays is plenty of time to sort it. There will be accidents - happens to every kid.

three.is.not.delayed.according.to.all.the.hcp.we.saw.along.the.way.

try.over.the.summer.as.she.might.get.it.

if.not.there.could.be.an.underlying.issue.(eg:hypermobility/autism)or.she.is.at.the.late.end.of.normal.

They.usually.take.children.to.the.loo.regularly.in.reception.anyway.so.they.may.catch.most.of.it.

If.not.try.pull.ups.or.special.pants.from.the.ERIC.website.for.september.

DD is 2 years 10 months. Had no clue about potty training and the first month we tried was fail. So I waited a few more weeks and then just persevered (no nappy ever) I spent 2 weeks following her round doing extra loads of washing, until one day it clicked. Lots of encouragement showing her a piece of chocolate she would get if she went on the potty and it worked. She now asks to go on potty at home. Sometimes forgets at nursery but is mostly dry. We've only been at it 3 weeks and I reckon 2 more weeks and we will have cracked it. I've been very strict with the no nappy tho. Only at bed time as we have a 6 month old who doesn't sleep so I'll be dammed if I'm getting up to change wet bed sheets too. Good luck OP she will get there eventually

grannie I am 39 and went to one of those in a pavillion, run by the "Aunties" as we used to call them. I recall being trained when I started there at 3, but yes there were the odd accident. Most mums stayed at home with kids until they stared school, you kept quiet if your child was still having accidents, there was a stigma. Yes terries encouraged earlier training I feel, they were not very absorbent the endless washing, so children were trained earlier.

Do you think children really were "trained" earlier? Or did parents put up with more accidents because there isn't much difference in washing pissy terry nappies to washing pissy clothes?

It's not the schools job to toilet train your daughter. You have 2 months to do it so get on with it, she's nearly 4 and should be toilet trained by now.

Staffing numbers and facilities are based on age and one of the (not unreasonable) assumptions of children at that age is that they are toilet trained. The staff-pupil ratio has gone down because there is a lower level of personal care required.

3 wouldn't be considered delayed here I don't think. Most of my friends toilet trained around 3, and at the preschool I work at children in nappies at 3 is nothing of note.

There are so many children who's parents claim they are toilet trained at 3 or before - they start nursery and then wet or poo a couple of times a day so they are not really properly toilet trained IYSWIM!
I have several close family members who work in schools and they've said in the past that it's better if the parents are honest so they are better prepared to remind the child or help them toilet if necessary. Several children have worn pull ups too especially if they are not reliably poo trained.

I also don't like the "get on and train whether ready or not". Children are all different, some just don't have the muscle control. It's surely better to encourage them yea but not force them.

I don't think 3 would be considered late here either. In fact, when DS was small it seemed to be a thing to leave it as late as possible until they were ready.

DS trained at 2 and I lost count of the number of people who told me I shouldn't be forcing it at such a young age DS refused nappies - there was no forcing.

Applemagic- people definitely were properly trained earlier before disposable nappies. I was out if nappies day and night before 2, and never, ever had an accident.
I was at nursery, and it was v rare for anyone to have accidents. In school, I only remember 1 child in my class having an accident, and that was a one- off.
My friend is from a different culture from UK, where they train earlier, and her son began 'training' as soon as he walked (12mo). He was reliably dry by 18 mo.

Youarenotkidding- yes, my dd woke up one day, just over 2yo, and said ' no nappies. I'm a big girl' and refused to wear them. Luckily I had already bought knickers and stashed them away. She was ready too, only ever had one accident.

Why is it that in cases like this so many people rush on and shout about SN? The Op hasn't hinted at any other issues with her child and even says they have waited and waited and are doing it 'slowly' this is the problem - mixed messages. Just go for it. She may be diagnosed with SN later down the line and she may not be, but the probability is that she wont be.

As for buying presents and wrapping them up. I wonder what the people all over the world without 2 cents to rub together manage with. Indulged much??