Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2016 13:08

You and your DH sound as bad as each other. No venue would be a "dream" for me if my sibling couldn't attend.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 13:10

She did randomly text me asking why she wasn't a bridesmaid and added that she as the Grooms sister should be in the wedding party and be playing an important role...but that's another story!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2016 13:10

Clearly you don't work in a school or you would never have booked a weekday wedding in term time.

LIZS · 08/07/2016 13:10

If her dh went and she didn't come until later who would do the school pick ups/childcare. Presumably any family help she might normally have is also committed to the wedding. I can easily see why the logistics make this more complicated than you anticipated.

trafalgargal · 08/07/2016 13:10

Her OH may be right that she got time off for other things but certain times are a blanket no , exam time, beginning of term and definitely end of term. He really shouldn't have said it would be fine without speaking to her. It's like the wife of an accountant saying she is sure her husband can take time off .....as he's done so before ...without realising the date is right on a tax year end and it would be impossible.

ARumWithAView · 08/07/2016 13:12

This is what I hate about midweek (or destination) weddings. On the surface, it's all 'of course we understand if people can't make it', but when a close relative or friend refuses, suddenly the questions start. Can't you just talk to your boss? Can't you come over after work? Can't you take unpaid leave? We've given you so much notice: can't you TRY to...

Even if you don't directly reproach the person concerned, it's ridiculous to expect they'd reorganise their schedule on your behalf, no matter how trivial the practicalities seem to you. Weekday weddings are cheap because the savings made by bride and groom are balanced out by increased costs for guests; anyone working Mon-Fri loses wages or annual leave.

Your SIL sounds stroppy and unhelpful, but you booked the wedding knowing she had to work that day. That was a given. All you wanted to discuss with her was whether she could try to negotiate time off; as you've said, you're saving 5k on your wedding and wouldn't move it 24 hours 'for the sake of one person' (or for everyone else who's taking annual leave to attend).

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 08/07/2016 13:14

I can't imagine getting married and not having one of my immediate family there. When I got married, we checked with BIL to be re dates as he has his off duty very far in advance. Wouldn't have even considered booking it on a day he couldnt attend, even if it had have been cheaper.

I'd be upset if I was your SIL.

EdmundCleverClogs · 08/07/2016 13:15

She did randomly text me asking why she wasn't a bridesmaid and added that she as the Grooms sister should be in the wedding party and be playing an important role...but that's another story!

Of course that's another story, going to just drip feed until someone agrees with you? You can have a wedding anywhere/time you want, but you have no right to think anyone can just drop work to come on a busy work day, even your future sister in law. It's not her fault, it was your choice, accept it. She is not being unreasonable, you are.

BalloonSlayer · 08/07/2016 13:16

Is my experience of this sort of thing, if you work in a support role in school you are not expected to ask for days off (even though unpaid) during term time and it is pretty frowned upon. This is why a lot of people who work in schools don't do 5 days a week - if you only do 4 you can usually swap a day with someone else if you need time off, but there is no scope for this if you work 5.

It is however possible to get time off for important stuff that is beyond your control. Funerals and weddings of close family being the main stuff. Funerals are a law unto themselves but weddings slightly different. You'd know a long time in advance and you'd have to tell your boss a long time in advance, acknowledge the inconvenience, roll your eyes and moan about these inconsiderate people getting married during the week, don't they know some of us work in schools blah blah, make offers to make up the time, make sure you don't take a day off for anything else in the meantime and are exemplary employee who can't be accused of skiving off, then eventually you get your day off. It's a lot of effort tbh. Basically you can get the day off but you have to beg for it and it's not a nice feeling. Still, you'd do it for the people you love, wouldn't you . . . ?

I think your SIL is resentful of you making her go through this effort for her wedding, and is unprepared to do so. I'd even suggest she is punishing you for daring to suggest (by booking a mid-week wedding) that her job isn't important.

In a nutshell, you can get the time off for something important but she doesn't think this is important enough. Sad

BalloonSlayer · 08/07/2016 13:17

"for your wedding" I have RTFT honest!

MatildaTheCat · 08/07/2016 13:18

She's just got the hump. Clearly there are many ways this could be dealt with. She's had time off before so unless there has been a change of policy she's not being absolutely truthful. Last day of term not great but it's her brother's wedding ffs.

At the very least she should be coming along as fast as she possibly can. I haven't seen how far it is but sounds very doable. I also sounds as if her dh and ds could be there if she wasn't vetoing it.

She is very annoying but I suppose in the interests of family relations you could go there ( not text or email) and say how sad you both are and how can we make this work?

She is angry about her lack of bridesmaid status which is weird in itself. Would she be tempted by the offer of another important job?

opensideno7 · 08/07/2016 13:20

I think all this cannot miss a day of School is absolute bollocks she could be ill for a week and then they would have to cope. To get an afternoon off with 10 months notice is easily doable. Frankly unless school has changed dramatically since i went most of the time is spent staring out of the window as the teacher is going through the motions. She is not even a teacher but an assistant, what are they for ? presumably sorting out the non toilet trained ones? Grin

paxillin · 08/07/2016 13:20

Your fiance saw the venue and thought "this is so good it makes up for my sister's absence at my wedding"?

Many of us have days we can't ever take a annual leave. A priest won't come to your Easter wedding, even with two years' notice. Few teachers can take the first or last day of term off.

londonrach · 08/07/2016 13:22

Theres a reason why the venue was a good deal. Last day of term children and ta, teachers etc cant attend a wedding. Yabu to even consider this. Moving it to a weekend or a week later in the holidays would have been better. Is this still possible?

AyeAmarok · 08/07/2016 13:22

I'm with you OP, she sounds like a bit of an attention seeking cowbag!

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 13:22

In a nutshell, you can get the time off for something important but she doesn't think this is important enough.

Total crap. Not all bosses will give you time off just because you think something is important enough.

NickiFury · 08/07/2016 13:22

You clearly don't like her very much. I don't think I would make much effort to come to your wedding either to be honest.

EverythingWillBeFine · 08/07/2016 13:25

I can see why she can't come.
However, her dcs and her DH can actually come. He, as the best man, can have time off and the dcs can be out of school on such occasion (very close family event).

I'm more surprised that you have booked something that you knew would be an issue for her knowing that it would cause problems for you, as in no best man and no bridemaid.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 13:26

In a nutshell, you can get the time off for something important but she doesn't think this is important enough

I disagree. The last day of term would be a total NO from any head for anything less than two broken legs. It's most likely the Head teacher who doesn't consider a wedding important enough for time off.

It also goes both ways. The OP doesn't consider the SIL important enough to be there and is booking it anyway even if she can't come. She has asked her to take a day off that is nigh on impossible to get, and is now annoyed that the SIL is upset.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 13:27

I'm not deliberately drip feeding info - I could type out the whole family history/ our budget etc for you but don't want to bore anyone so I'm staying the facts.

A lot of you have missed my point COMPLETELY here.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2016 13:27

What a horrible condescending post that is openside. And the grin face after looking down on teachers assistants is just nasty.

Whether you think it's "bollocks" or not there are plenty of Head Teachera that just won't allow it, it's not the employees that make the decision.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 13:27

I think all this cannot miss a day of School is absolute bollocks she could be ill for a week and then they would have to cope.

I think I need to add "going to a wedding is not the same as being so ill you unexpectedly can't work" to my "schools are not the same as other workplaces in terms of time off" stamp.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 08/07/2016 13:28

Re the bridesmaid thing : I understood married/women with children to be off limits as far as bridesmaiding is concerned. Traditionally the bridesmaids are unmarried friends and relatives of the bride (so that they can get dressed up on the day to attract a partner or get theirs to propose.) Matron of Honour is reserved for elder relatives and friends who are already married off.

That aside, I still think YABU. Having to ask for a day off or using my scarce annual leave for a wedding is annoying. Like someone said, if you wanted to guarantee her attendance, you should have booked it in the school holidays. Suck it up.

jennyblonde82 · 08/07/2016 13:28

My husband and I work in schools. It's pretty much impossible to get time off during term time. Funerals and hospital appointments are the exceptions. It certainly can be frowned upon by senior management. I think it's pretty nice of her to even ask for it off- some heads can get really shirty about things like that and it's the kind of thing that can be used negatively against you. This is the downside to weekday weddings. She could have told you sooner though.

BalloonSlayer · 08/07/2016 13:28

Not all bosses will give you time off just because you think something is important enough.

Agreed. But the SIL has had time off before for other things.

Plus it's rare if you work in a school support role not to be asked to put in a few extra hours here and there which you can save up for time in lieu in the future. Although these usually have to be taken at the end of the academic year so if the wedding is at the start of the school academic year this might be difficult.

Swipe left for the next trending thread