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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
kissmethere · 08/07/2016 12:50

Sorry she sounds like she is not very willing to try as hard as it is re leave.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 08/07/2016 12:50

There are schools that would allow her the time, others where even asking would mark her card. No TA at any other school would be able to tell you about the culture at hers, and responses from TAs at a different school are meaningless.

YANBU to get married when you want, or refuse to change it. But YABU not to own the implications of your decision. And it is yours as much as your fiance's. You've got an incredible fucking cheek to complain about her non-attendance when, knowing full well she's at a very strict school, you decided to book a wedding on a school day anyway. She was BU not to reply to you and is BU to say her DH can't go.

MarklahMarklah · 08/07/2016 12:50

I think SIL is being rather U here.
She had plenty of advance notice about the possible day BEFORE the wedding was booked.
Is it really necessary to negotiate a mutually convenient date for each and every person that may or may not be able to attend?

I get that the school is strict, and SIL may not be able to attend, but she could ask. Or, she could got to the evening reception, with or without the kids.

I have been advised of an upcoming wedding year after next. I know when it is likely to be, and that's in the middle of the school term. I don't know what the schools rule is regarding 'close' family (as in how close they mean by 'close') but I will ask during next week. If we are told "no" then I think we'll have to forego the wedding (unless DH is best man in which case he''ll go), as we can't afford the financial sanctions on top of the cost of outfits, travel, accommodation...
That's life.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:51

I stated at the start of the thread that we booked it KNOWING that some people wouldn't be able to make it. THATS NOT MY ISSUE.

I would love everyone to come but realise the reality is they cant.

I just cant understand why she wont even TRY. But hey ho.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:51

If you are given 10 months notice you can make anything happen if you want to enough.

I feel like I should have a stamp saying "do you work in education?" made.

Time off during school hours in term time is not the same as in other workplaces.

AGruffaloCrumble · 08/07/2016 12:52

You said "I feel sorry for my Fiance more than anything as he obviously wants his family to attend as well as his nieces and nephews" but he must have known his nieces and nephews couldn't come when he booked a midweek afternoon wedding. I don't think you should change the date or venue but I don't think they are being unreasonable either as BM has said he will come either way.

Roussette · 08/07/2016 12:52

p.s. She's trying to force your hand and get you to change it to a Saturday. Don't give in.

trafalgargal · 08/07/2016 12:53

It's a wedding invitation not a summons.
You knew she works in a job where time off in term time isn't the done thing or always granted (but I'm guessing you assumed as it was for such an important event it would be considered exceptional) . If her presence was considered vital to you then you'd have not booked midweek as the people would have come above the venue and you would have either made sure you'd spoken to her before booking to make sure it was workable or not considered midweek.
You didn't and she probably is a bit miffed you didn't but ultimately it is one day and probably not the first or last time her job has meant she has to miss events she'd like to have attended.

Last day of term has lots going on. Saying good bye to students, packing up classrooms as they may be repainted over the summer and or deep cleaned, everything needs putting away .......and often a get together for the staff. You've not even picked a normal school day but a really difficult one. I'd be miffed in her shoes and wouldn't want to forgo a couple of glasses of wine before having to drive self and kids to the reception (also if her OH is best man you probably scuppered her having him to have the kids whilst she attended the school function if she doesn't have childcare.

It's all unfortunate but you need to take responsibility as it was your choice to book midweek so can't really take offence that everyone can't/won't massively in convince themselves to attend your day selected purely to get your chosen venue without considering the implications.

LIZS · 08/07/2016 12:53

Friday isn't a weekend though. For majority it is a working/school day.

summerskittles91 · 08/07/2016 12:53

Yanbu.
but then neither is your SIL in saying she cant get time off. She is BU by not even asking about it. especially when she has had notice. The fact that she hasn't spoken to you before you booked it is unreasonable.

As others have said she is wrong in stopping her DH from going, especially when he can get time off.

I wouldn't change your wedding, I don't see there being a problem with it on a friday. She can finish at 3 and make it to the meal afterwards.

she sounds quite annoying, if she doesn't get back to you. Also it should be down to your partner to try and sort it with there. End of the day its his sister and he should be dealing with the problems.

Noodledoodledoo · 08/07/2016 12:53

I wouldn't ask at my school as it is made very clear at the start of every year that time off for weddings will not be approved.

Sickness as someone else has said can't be planned so has to be managed.

She may have had time off for medical appointments for herself or her children, again most people don't have a huge amount of say in when these are so are granted parental leave/medical leave - for example my antenatal appointments are at set times which don't fall in the holidays, however regular non urgent appointments like dentists etc I sort for the school holidays or after school hours if possible.

I really don't understand why people who have close family who work in education book things for school days and then get the hump when they are told they can't make it - she did tell you beforehand it was unlikely.

bombayflambe · 08/07/2016 12:54

Bit of a drip feed there OP. Is this in fact a child free wedding on the last day of term (one of the busiest days of the year for teachers and TAs) and your SIL will need to find childcare from immediately after school until late evening if she attends?

That does make the whole thing logistically a lot more challenging. How far is venue from their home and work?

Doggity · 08/07/2016 12:55

The reason she may not try is because she knows it won't be approved and she may well be judged for even asking. Many schools state clearly at the start that no time off is allowed.

LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2016 12:55

I really don't get the trend for midweek weddings - just because couples can save a lot of money to get their "dream venue". I would rather not cause my guests any extra work/financial burden. And I would never book a midweek wedding if a sibling of my future husband worked on a school, unless it was during the holidays.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:57

But YABU not to own the implications of your decision. And it is yours as much as your fiance's. You've got an incredible fucking cheek to complain about her non-attendance when, knowing full well she's at a very strict school, you decided to book a wedding on a school day anyway

This. FYI - it was a joint decision to go ahead with the Friday wedding, we deliberated a lot over it. Other than pinning her down and frog marching her to her head to ask there was NOTHING else we could of done to get an answer out of her. I am not complaining about her non attendance as she hasn't 'not' attended yet - it has been a month and we still haven't heard if she has asked yet. Yes she says its a very strict school but when we have seen her have days off for other events/things they we are just struggling to understand her flat refusal to even try to ask/want to ask.

But yeah we are carrying on regardless and aren't going to move our wedding to a £5k more one for the sake of 1 person and 24hrs.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 08/07/2016 12:58

Yabu, totally. No time off from school means exactly that. You booked your wedding knowing that fact. She probably didn't answer you because she didn't actually think you would totally ignore what she said about getting time off, and go ahead and do the opposite. You made a choice, now she (and presumably school aged children) can't come.

paxillin · 08/07/2016 12:59

Last day of term? You might find more than one guest with school age children not coming. No babysitters to be had for money or good words and of course really hard for school staff to get that one off.

pensivepolly · 08/07/2016 13:00

Is there any chance she is offended that you haven't asked her to be part of the wedding (e.g. as a bridesmaid) and so she is boycotting?

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 13:01

I know you're expecting people not to be able to make it, but a member of the groom's immediate family is a pretty important guest. If its the last day of term, it's pointless her even asking for time off. She is clearly offended that she will miss an important family member's wedding.

She won't be the only guest inconvenienced by a Friday wedding either. If you have ten months to go, then you have time to change it. It's not a good start to family harmony and I don;t think the fault all lies at the SIL's door.

trafalgargal · 08/07/2016 13:01

I don't think it's that she won't try it is knowing it is pointless asking.
I've worked in education some schools are unbending others less so. She knows which hers is. (I'd have probably told you I asked and was refused to shut you up)

Telling you to change it to the Saturday ....is this really her trying to get through to you that you telling her she must get the day off is as unreasonable as you moving your wedding day.

Family don't attend weddings for all sorts of reasons ask any forces family, you made the decision to save money with a midweek wedding (and term time ) and saved money but one of the reasons it was cheaper and still available in the first place is because it's not a good date for families who need to consider education.

paxillin · 08/07/2016 13:05

Last day of term is such an all-hands-on-deck occasion for many schools, she might worry she'll look unprofessional even asking. Bit like a Santa impersonator trying to get the last Sunday before Christmas off.

Gazelda · 08/07/2016 13:05

Maybe she didn't reply because she was upset that her DB was planning his wedding on a day that neither she nor his nieces/nephews could attend. Childish yes, but I'd be upset and offended too.

TAs round here are often employed on a fixed term contract. Imagine having to reapply for your job when you've asked to go against school policy of no term-time leave, knowing how strictly the head enforces this rule.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 13:07

Sorry I don't work in a school so I am unaware of how busy last day of term is and the fact she may want to stay behind and have a drink with her colleagues/see the kids off over leaving on time to attend her brothers wedding...

OP posts:
hesterton · 08/07/2016 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bombayflambe · 08/07/2016 13:08

I'm sure you've looked at this and the answer will be no but is the price (saving) still the same on the following Friday (in school holidays) and if the venue is free would they let you transfer without additional cost? You would get your saving and your SIL there.

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