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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:34

Ok, OK!

So - to answer some of your questions

We of COURSE spoke to all family members about our plans BEFORE we booked anywhere - also asked BIL to be BM way before we looked at venues. We also called BIL & SIL and asked about the Friday afternoon thing, BIL said of course she can get time off she has before - we said we would wait to speak to her (as she was ignoring ALL methods of communication) and he seemed to think it was fine.

I understand that being a TA is a very important job and that attendance in any role is important - that's not my issue!

My issue is she hasn't even ASKED yet or doesn't seem to want to try! She is just saying she and her family now cant - that's what I am annoyed at! The fact we gave her plenty of opportunity to come back to us and she refused too but replied to texts/calls/chats about other stuff is a bit annoying too.

Thanks for all your replies though - love the variety of opinions you get on MN.

OP posts:
mrsbrightside3 · 08/07/2016 12:34

If the wedding is at 3pm can she just come to the reception?

flowery · 08/07/2016 12:34

There are 365 days in the year. Your SIL is not able to take time off on 190 of them. That leaves an awful lot of days you could book a wedding and avoid this issue.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/07/2016 12:34

Her trying to stop her husband and kids going is off.

We think there will be a family wedding soon, in a week day, and we won't be taking the children out of school for it. DH might go.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 12:35

Education is a very different work culture to other areas. The sister may well know in advance that she will get short shrift for asking, or she may have a colleague that has tried a similar request and been turned down flat. You don't know.

She has been a bit unreasonable in saying her kids and husband can't come, but TBH if my brother was marrying someone who insisted on getting married when I couldn't be there, I'd be pissed off too.

Also- you ARE expecting the children to take time off school if they are school age. You said earlier you were not, but unless they're under 5, then you are.

If I were you, I would change the wedding to a weekend or mid week in school hols. It's all very well saying you know some people can't come, but if one of those people is immediate family, then I think you are being unreasonable.

mrsbrightside3 · 08/07/2016 12:37

She sounds like she's being a bit of a difficult diva..... but if she genuinely can't or won't get time off then you just need to proceed without her i'd say. it's your wedding day!

AGruffaloCrumble · 08/07/2016 12:37

19lottie82
My DP gets up at 5am and leaves the house at 6am for an hour long drive to work. Not everyone has the flexibility to drink/have late nights mid-week Hmm I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go but he would choose not to or go for an hour. He would have to step down as best man if someone asked him to be one at a midweek wedding. But that's our personal situation, not OP's.

SapphireStrange · 08/07/2016 12:37

BIL said of course she can get time off she has before

That's interesting. And doesn't help her cause much (disclaimer I realise posters may shout me down and say BIl doesn't necessarily know and may have just been saying that...)

we gave her plenty of opportunity to come back to us and she refused too but replied to texts/calls/chats about other stuff I wouldn't engage with her about other stuff.

She has been a bit unreasonable in saying her kids and husband can't come A BIT? Confused

Zarah123 · 08/07/2016 12:39

PurpleDaisies

she does have form as I've mentioned for being a bit 'jealous' of her brother and showing stubbornness over things.

So despite knowing her workplace culture for getting time off is "super strict" you've still decided she's just being jealous and stubborn? hmm

The OP gave her SIL TWO MONTHS in which to let her know if she could make the date or not.

The SIL ignored them so she does sound jealous and stubborn imo.

SIL doesn't seserve to come to the wedding.

OP, the best man sounds like a good guy. It sounds like SIL's company will be no great loss.

tootyflooty · 08/07/2016 12:39

I'm sorry, but 10 months notice!, I would find it difficult to believe that if she went to the head now, and gave the date they would refuse. What happens when staff are off sick then with no notice???, it is a one off exceptional situation, in that it's her brothers wedding, she had plenty of time to come back to you before you booked. I would stick to your guns, ( unless she is happy to stump up for the price difference!!)

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 08/07/2016 12:39

In saying she can't get time off, she is not being a dick.

In saying her kids can't come, she is not being a dick.

In saying her DH cant come, she is being a dick.

In asking you to change the date, she is being a dick.

So 50/50. If I were you, I would just say "oh well, that's a shame" and then carry on with your plans.

Witchend · 08/07/2016 12:40

If she's always said her head is very strict then I think you were silly to think she could. In that situation I wouldn't have even expected her to ask as it could go against her.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:42

tooty do you work in the sister in law's school? It is entirely possible that they have a strict no term time off policy. I've worked in schools with them.

LIZS · 08/07/2016 12:43

Presumably her dc would also have to miss school. Can you not time the ceremony do that it is reasonable for her to leave work and get there. Or could they join you for the evening celebrations only. I'm afraid this is the risk you take when booking a midweek wedding.

OliviaStabler · 08/07/2016 12:43

She has now said she cant come

Sorry OP but you knew that already. She has been super clear with everyone that weekdays are not free for her yet you went ahead and booked your wedding on a weekday. Appreciate you got a good deal etc but I am not surprised she is miffed as she may see this weekday booking as a sign neither of you care if she attends the wedding or not.

Doggity · 08/07/2016 12:44

I am backtracking slightly and although I think she is not BU for not wanting to ask, as it can be a real issue in some schools, I do think she is being VU to say her husband can't go. She's not the boss of him!

WannaBe · 08/07/2016 12:44

If you book a wedding mid week then you do so in the knowledge that most people won't be able to come, especially school aged children.

The reality is that it's just not possible to know if someone can get the day off a year in advance. But if the general policy is to not allow it, then one would generally know this and realise that it's futile to try. Better that she say no now than find out in a year's time that she won't be given the time off.

And no way would I take children out of school for a wedding. If the bride and groom want people there then they need to book the wedding at a time which is convenient to most people, not one which involves most having to take annual leave and/or risk fines for taking their children out.

You need to work out what is more important., money or attendance.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:44

I am sorry - and will no doubt get flamed for this - but I am not now changing my wedding venue/date/time./month just so she can come/get her way when we have given her plenty of opportunity to reply/ask/get time off.

It wasn't MY decision over her brothers to pick this day - he wanted it more than me if I am honest - we could get married on the Saturday or Sunday but would double the cost and we cant afford that. We are more than happy for her to come to the meal which will be at 530ish, but she is saying she cant come to ANY of it and nor should/can her DH.

The children, I will say again, that we don't expect anyone to take their kids out of school. Fully understand that they wouldn't be coming anyway.

OP posts:
Whatwhatinthewhatnow · 08/07/2016 12:46

Midweek weddings... great for you, a hassle for attendees. Why should she have all this bollox with her work just to accommodate you? YABU.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 12:46

The other thing you need to think about is how few people will be able to let their hair down or stay late if it's mid week. You may save money, but I think the atmosphere will be very different if people have work the next day. It's also harder to get childcare mid week.

In your shoes I would find another date or venue, even if you love this one.

Your SIL will be part of your family for a long time, it won't hurt to keep relations cordial and a weekend wedding will be easier for other guests too.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:47

missBattleaxe the op has said its a Friday. I'm not sure where lots of posters have got the mid week thing from.

kissmethere · 08/07/2016 12:48

Hmm no I would not change the date sorry. Difficult re working for school and all. Has she not got any lieu time she can take as she can give very advanced notice. She sounds like she is

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 12:48

The children, I will say again, that we don't expect anyone to take their kids out of school But if they were invited, they WOULD have to miss school. You don't seem bothered whether they come or not. These will be your nieces/nephews.

MissBattleaxe · 08/07/2016 12:49

Purple- oh I missed that it was a Friday. Still tricky, but not as tricky as a Wednesday I suppose.

Roussette · 08/07/2016 12:49

Ridiculous. No one is indispensible. She only has to take 3 hours off and she had 10 months notice. FFS she might not even be working there in 10 months time! What is more important - a job or family??

There is no way Elle you should be changing to a Saturday just for her - for a start it's probably £££££ more.

If you are given 10 months notice you can make anything happen if you want to enough.