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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
paxillin · 08/07/2016 13:28

Why should her DH come?

If my brother held his wedding on a day he knew I couldn't attend, then sure as hell we wouldn't pay and send my DH or DC.

stolemyusername · 08/07/2016 13:28

I think you are BU.

You put in your op that you understood that some people can't get time off, or wouldn't want to take AL for your wedding, but you're upset with her for that very reason.

She works in a school, I'd say that it's pretty obvious that unless its something majorly important is going on (yes her own child's medical appointment falls into that category, no your wedding doesn't) then she's not going to be able to take time off. If I were her I would feel slightly snubbed that you booked it knowing it would be hard for her to attend.

Also, you don't know how 'easy' it was to get time off for medical appointments, she might have had to put a really strong case forwards for that time off.

Riv · 08/07/2016 13:33

In some authorities (and most academies) if you take off the first or last day of a term, for any reason including sickness, you are assumed to be absent (ill or awol) for the entire following holiday and so loose pay for all of that time and face possible disciplinary procedures. It is VERY rare for anyone to be granted leave of absence on the first or last day of term. Sometimes, in some schools, by just asking for leave can cause so many problems for you in the future at that school it's really not worth trying. The answer would almost certainly be no anyway. I work in a school and one of my colleagues was not allowed to take leave of absence for his own wedding - the brides family had organised it for the Friday before we broke up, as a surprise, without asking him. They had paid for everything and lost their deposits. Nothing would sway the governors decision to insist he was at work.

Zarah123 · 08/07/2016 13:36

I have zero sympathy for SIL.

She had 2 months in which to pipe up and say 'Guys, I really can't make that date'. She didn't. Her loss.

SIL's DH is not an extension of her. He is obviously friends with the groom and is at liberty to accept or decline the invitation. I hope he attends, OP.

ladylambkin · 08/07/2016 13:37

I would have no problem getting the day off (TA) HT is human and would grant leave to anyone asking for it in this circumstance (she has done this in the past). I would not think twice about taking kids out of school to celebrate a close family members wedding

EdmundCleverClogs · 08/07/2016 13:39

On the plus side, I have found an inspirational way for your sil to get time off. It does involve an elaborate story/plan about a man, a gullible boss and compassionate leave. Maybe, just maybe, she'll actually get time off (still doubt it though, you really are not getting how impossible it is to get leave when working in education Hmm).

EarthboundMisfit · 08/07/2016 13:39

I think she would have found getting your text difficult. She's told you she can't do weekdays, so it looks like you don't care that much if she's there, and how can she reply...she has to say no, because she can't go, but if she says that immediately, you'll feel obliged to change just after you've gone on ad nauseam about the deal you have.

roundtable · 08/07/2016 13:41

I missed my graduation because my first head was such a bully. There's no way I'd have asked for time off as it would have been a massive black mark against me.

If her head is like this I can understand not wanting to ask.

Any chance of her just joining you for the evening? Not sure why the husband can't go though. Maybe said in the heat of the moment?

Unless there's a big back story you are coming across overly harsh to me. A wedding is a fragment of a marriage.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 13:44

We called round, text, called, sent a carrier pigeon, posted a letter through the door, sent smoke signals - everything. As I said. She had 2 months to respond. 2 MONTHS.

But anyway - her decision, we are not changing it now as we have paid a deposit and gave her what we feel is a reasonable amount of time to say. And going on the fact she has had days off before for less 'important' things we assumed (naively) she would want to come.

OP posts:
jennymac · 08/07/2016 13:44

I don't think it's unreasonable to take children out of school for a wedding. My brother got married on a Thursday and we took our kids out for the Thursday and the Friday as the wedding was some distance away. They had over 98% attendance over the year anyway and it didn't seem to have any great detrimental effect on their academic progress! In the grand scheme of things, a day off for a memorable family occasion is no big deal!

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 13:47

When you called round and asked her whether she could get the tine off what did she say

PridePrejudiceZombies · 08/07/2016 13:47

SIL having had time off in the past, in a school where this is frowned on, is potentially even more of a reason why it wouldn't be possible now.

Peeporeader · 08/07/2016 13:47

Wow some people are really fucking vile about TA's, huh!

Its pretty clear you don't like her, OP. If its as clear to her, no surprise she's not busting a gut to come to your wedding.

weirdsister · 08/07/2016 13:48

People who work in education are telling you how awkward something like this can be. I work in education and absolutely understand this.
I've had bosses who would delight in turning a request like this down, while painting you as a lazy slacker for even asking.

Your SIL told you quite clearly how awkward this would be for her, but you didn't want to listen.

flowery · 08/07/2016 13:48

You and your fiancé are obviously not that bothered whether your SIL and your nieces/nephews attend otherwise you wouldn't have considered booking it on a weekday during term time just to save money. Not surprised she's got the hump with you tbh.

weirdsister · 08/07/2016 13:49

What were the 'less important' things that she has had time off for?

Lweji · 08/07/2016 13:49

Yes, you knew perfectly well that the school "is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc)".

LostQueen · 08/07/2016 13:50

I think she's being deliberately difficult. I know it can be hard to get time off when you work in a school but the point her is that she doesn't appear to have even tried.

Peeporeader · 08/07/2016 13:50

She didn't respond to your messages because she'd already told you.

You said in your initial post that you understand some people aren't going to be coming to a weekday wedding. You have to own that decision.

roundtable · 08/07/2016 13:51

However, she should have replied to you. I'm wondering if she decided not to because she had already told you she can't do term time and you did it anyway. Perhaps she thought it was a given?

Maybe talk to her about it if it's upsetting you so much.

paxillin · 08/07/2016 13:52

But the two months are irrelevant. She has made it abundantly clear previously she cannot get time off. Hearing about your wedding plans on a day you knew she couldn't come would have felt quite deliberate to her.

Nobody takes that much notice of a wedding venue. Unless of course it is your fabulous house you are holding it at. People might notice the absence of the groom's sister though. Some will draw the conclusion that a fancy venue is more important to the couple than their family.

I think you and your fiance are quite aware of that, that's why you worry about it.

EdmundCleverClogs · 08/07/2016 13:56

She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact.

We called round, text, called, sent a carrier pigeon, posted a letter through the door, sent smoke signals - everything. As I said. She had 2 months to respond. 2 MONTHS.

You are contradicting yourself. Either you knew before you booked that she categorically couldn't take time off, or you needed her confirmation before booking, and after not knowing for sure you took a chance and booked the wedding regardless. If you knew she couldn't/wouldn't get leave, why did you chase her for two months to get an answer? You knew the answer - nothing during the school week, no ifs or buts.

llhj · 08/07/2016 13:56

She's full of bull. Can't get an unpaid half day of leave for a brother's wedding? She's not scheduled for performing the first brain transplant is she? The school could be plonked on their arses watching a show in the hall for all she knows. She sounds like she has a really misplaced sense of her own importance. She's sounds a pain in the backside actually.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 13:58

Oh ffs. Do you work in education llhj?

Listen to those of us that do. Some heads will not authorise term time leave. End of.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 13:59

Do some of you deliberately NOT read the OP responses?!

Thank you for all your opinions, some great advice here.

OP posts:
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