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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 10/07/2016 10:50

The drawback with parental leave is you need to book it in advance

And the exact dates can be refused as long as it us given within 6 months of the request.

And if the employer unreasonably refuses the leave you can take it to a tribunal, if asking for parental leave results in you being treated unfavorably or harassment you also have the right to take it to tribunal.

MissBattleaxe · 10/07/2016 11:59

And if the employer unreasonably refuses the leave you can take it to a tribunal, if asking for parental leave results in you being treated unfavorably or harassment you also have the right to take it to tribunal

Or the OP could just move the bloody wedding.

user1467101855 · 10/07/2016 12:18

This reply has been deleted

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NicknameUsed · 10/07/2016 12:45

"Is it actually the case now that all teachers have a TA? And the TA is so vital a teacher couldn't cope without one?"

It depends on class size. In primary schools there is a legal requirement for the correct ratio of children to adults. I don't know what the number is, but in a large class there would need to be a TA as well as a teacher.

FitbitAddict · 10/07/2016 13:21

There can be no more than 30 children in a KS1 or reception class. The ratio is 1:30 in KS1, 1:15 in reception and 1:13 in nursery. For KS1 and above, there only has to be a teacher. The provision of TAs is not statutory.

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe · 10/07/2016 13:21

I was not allowed time off for my brother in laws wedding. My husband went alone and had a wonderful time.

Brother in law has never forgiven me and refuses to come to any event that is 'for' me e.g. the kids baptisms.

It's hard to explain to people who don't work in education how difficult it is to get time off in term time.

pollylovespie · 10/07/2016 13:40

A nice venue is more important to you than the people that are/aren't there. I think that is mental but it's your wedding.

Lweji · 10/07/2016 14:29

It's hard to explain to people who don't work in education how difficult it is to get time off in term time.

Perhaps by telling people who are parents what would they think of being called to collect their children from school because their teacher or TA had gone to a wedding.

weirdsister · 10/07/2016 14:42

' The provision of TAs is not statutory.'

If 1:1 TA support is stated on an EHCP it's a legal requirement.

FitbitAddict · 10/07/2016 14:53

I doubt the OP's SIL is a 1:1 TA for a child with an EHCP. Even in that case, someone else can step in. The discussion was around ratios and a general class TA is not a statutory requirement in KS1 or above.

FitbitAddict · 10/07/2016 14:53

Lweji really, how likely is that? When your DC's teacher is off sick, do the kids get told to stay home?

Lweji · 10/07/2016 15:01

Normally, children are taken to another teacher, who has to put up with the extra work, and a larger class, so that her colleague goes to whatever.
It could happen that a number of teachers get sick or have appointments in the same day. Then what?

This is why teaching staff can't simply be given every day that they want. Emergencies or occasionally when all staff is around, or there aren't any particular activities.

Lweji · 10/07/2016 15:02

When your DC's teacher is off sick, do the kids get told to stay home?

And yes, but I'm not in the UK ATM.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/07/2016 15:30

makes sense to move wedding back 1 to 2 hrs - to maybe 5pm then sil can come

dulcefarniente · 10/07/2016 16:02

Did SIL have a role at the naming ceremony? You've said she didn't have a role at yours. I suspect she's exhausted the HTs goodwill if she's already been allowed some time off.

Like Judy I assume she didn't see the point in talking to you when she knew you wouldn't accept her not coming. A bit childish but understandable.

You've said that the venue is more important than the guests being able to make it, and that you accept that it means people can't come as a result. Accept that they're not coming and move on OP.

Headofthehive55 · 10/07/2016 16:23

user what exactly are you on about? How rude. I was explaining that I found it difficult to get leave even for a reason much more important than a wedding. The day of surgery, or procedure as is what we call it more specifically. So I'm not sure why you think that I am thick. It wasn't a hypothetical situation to me, I was describing what actually happened.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/07/2016 16:35

As others have said own your decision to have your wedding on a date you knew was probable the grooms sister could not attend. Own your decision to make the venue more important than grooms immediate family.

Stop trying to make her out to be unreasonable because you don't like the consequences of your decision. It really does sound like you don't like her and don't care if she's there anyway but don't want it to look like that. I don't blame her for not taking unpaid leave, upsetting her HT, getting fines for the children to go to a wedding shes already said she can't attend on that date due to super strict HT.

MissBattleaxe · 10/07/2016 16:35

A nice venue is more important to you than the people that are/aren't there. I think that is mental but it's your wedding

It's crazy. "Didn't we have a nice wedding? Not many guests and some are still not speaking to us and your sister wasn't there, but the dining room looked lovely in the photos and that's the main thing."

Excited101 · 10/07/2016 16:55

DM had 2 weeks off granted (without pay) about 3 years ago for a special holiday. When I asked on her behalf (it was going to be a surprise) I was told she could have 1 but then after letting her in on it she managed to be granted 2.

JustSpeakSense · 10/07/2016 17:17

It sounds as if you and your SIL have some issues and aren't very fond of each other. You have booked a venue you love, at a time that suits you best. She is annoyed that her working hours weren't more if a priority to you (and she's making a big deal of it to prove a point) to be fair, it doesn't sound like you really want her there anyway (just her DH & kids)

For the sake of your soon to be DH and the rest of the family I'd reach out to her in the nicest way possible, reassuring her how much you want her there and how your day would not be complete without her at the same time acknowledging how hard she works in an important job that means a lot to her. If she still chooses to be awkward about it at least you will come out smelling of roses.

Then just forget it and have a wonderful day!

grannytomine · 10/07/2016 18:23

MissBattleAxe, the issue about parental/emergency leave was linked to people saying they couldn't have time off for doctor's/hospital/dental/ appointments or funerals. It sounds like some Heads are dictators who think they are above the law. Workers have got rights and being with a child in hospital or having a chance to see your own child in a play or at sports day or being able to see a doctor is not an unreasonable request although a number of people have said that even asking would cause problems. I thought teaching unions had a bit more about them.

user1468166567 · 10/07/2016 18:26

I think that the OP has already stated the time and that she is willing to move it late so she can come.

I do think TA's think they are teachers at times - same as doctors receptionists think they are Doctors! Grin

Nothing wrong with a weekday wedding - your day your way!

MissBattleaxe · 10/07/2016 19:05

Fair point granny.

Thelyingbitchandthewardrobe · 10/07/2016 19:19

lweji are you in france? We are and I have had to collect my kids because the teacher was off. They said they could put them in another class if it was a last resort.

I know you said teachers could just explain why they can't get time off - trust me, I have many times. People seem to know better though!

MissBattleaxe · 10/07/2016 19:38

I do think TA's think they are teachers at times - I disagree. The decisions about leave lie with head teachers, it's not TAs thinking they are important. they have to have the correct ratios of staff to children. An absence causes disruption or a staffing problem.

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