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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL & Our Wedding

465 replies

Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:07

OK - so yet another Wedding/IL thread! But would love to know if I am being a bit miffed for no reason or is this the norm?

OK so we are getting married next year - on a weekday as the venue we love had that day free and we got an amazing deal. Because its a weekday we sent out Save the Dates a good 10 months before the day so that people could either make arrangements to book a day off or tell us it wasn't possible - of course we understand that with it being a weekday people may not be able to or want to attend/use holiday etc.

Now my Fiancé's Sister works in a school as a TA. She loves her job and we are constantly being told that her school is super strict and she can NEVER get time off for ANYTHING in term time (this includes being ill, hospital appointments and funerals etc). She is a stickler for the rules. Anyway - before we booked the wedding I said to DF that we should speak to his sister as she had previously mentioned this fact. We did text her (as she didn't answer calls from us) and explain we had fell in love with venue etc and we got a great deal etc etc and could she check with school. She never came back to us despite chasing/calling/asking MIL to ask her to call us. So we went ahead and booked.

She has now said she cant come and that not only can she not come, nor can her 3 children or her husband - who happens to be best man! (he works in a diff industry so getting time off isn't an issue nor is it for the kids).

When we asked her to ask her school she said she will but to not hold out any hope and can we change the date to the weekend. She is being a bit 'huffy' about it and has said to MIL that we are losing 5 guests because of this.

Any TA's out there? How hard is it to get 1 afternoon off work (Late wedding) with 10 months notice for your brothers wedding?! Or is she just being a d8ck?!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:19

My sister is a TA and had 2 days off last week for a horse show!

Your sister is lucky to work in a school that allows it. They certainly don't all authorise days off like that.

Comparisons with illness and child health appointments are not valid. Those things are unavoidable.

deepdarkwood · 08/07/2016 12:20

Tbh, I don't think you - or more esp your dh - have covered yourself in glory and got her on side here!
She's told you on numerous occasions how important her job is to her and how hard it is to get time off for anything. Despite that you went ahead and booked on a weekday, as you found a nice room at a good deal. And then texted her - not talked to her. And when you heard nothing, you ignored the issue. (But somehow managed to ask her dh to be best man - without checking whether his wife could actually make it?!)

If by sister behaved like that I would be incredibly upset and feel really hurt that I ranked below "nice chairs, a view, saving a few quid" in her priorities. I imagine she is feeling the same and lashing out. I would do some serious talking to her - and stress how much you want them there (I'm assuming you won't negotiate on your day/deal at this stage) - as clearly she is being unreasonable in suggesting her dh doesn't come (kids - depends on ages/school/attendance record imo)

In terms of whether or not she could actually get the time off? Who knows. Depends on the school is my best guess (two parents in education, seen different heads approach this one very differently)

YouMakeMyDreams · 08/07/2016 12:20

Time off for sickness is also different. They cope because they have to nobody chooses to be sick. But some heads just won't give the time off for a wedding. My friends head said he expected her back after her grandmothers funeral because the church was right next to the school. Someone must have told him off because he came back and said she could have the whole day off.

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2016 12:21

""If she was the teacher then I would say yabu but if she is the assistant then she should be able to get time off.""

Where do the school magic another TA from? If the work is set, the TA can be more valuable, than the Teacher.

That is really undervaluing the role of the TA.

mouldycheesefan · 08/07/2016 12:21

Well if your fiancé " more than anything wants his family to attend" you need to shift it to a weekend. It's a year ahead you have plenty of time to adjust plans. Or go ahead with original plans without them or they come in evening. She was unreasonable not to reply to you though and I can't see why her dh can't attend. Note: sort all that before booking.

Original poster
Elleblue78 · 08/07/2016 12:23

I am sorry but I think your post is a BU - we gave her warning, asked her before we booked and delayed booking for a good couple of months chased and chased and nothing. I don't think we are 'completely ridiculous' to book a week day wedding. As I said - we know people wont necessarily be able to make it and we accept that. It's her flat refusal to even TRY and ask or get the afternoon off (incidentally the last day of term and a Friday - wedding at 3 so she would need say from 12pm off?).

We gave her opportunity to get back to us, she does have form as I've mentioned for being a bit 'jealous' of her brother and showing stubbornness over things.

OP posts:
YouMakeMyDreams · 08/07/2016 12:24

Also in my area schools are losing TA's next term. I don't blame her for not wanting things like this on her record. Lots here are only on fixed one year contracts and hoping they will be renewed.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:26

she does have form as I've mentioned for being a bit 'jealous' of her brother and showing stubbornness over things.

So despite knowing her workplace culture for getting time off is "super strict" you've still decided she's just being jealous and stubborn? Hmm

crje · 08/07/2016 12:26

YABU to put the venue ahead of family, that's very materialistic.
She isn't just any guest she is his sister. Why should her employer bend for your wedding?
You have obviously caused a rift in her relationship.
How ironic you cause a husband & wife to fall out over your wedding!!!

Very bridezilla behaviour imo
She said it would be trouble for her if ye booked mid week.
Why didn't you listen??

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2016 12:26

Elleblue78, the thing is that in some schools even asking for a day off (or half day) may be frowned on by the head especially if the rules are well known within the school. This may be why she wont ask.

user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 12:26

If the sister doesn't care enough about her family to even ask for an afternoon off, and is vindictive enough to stop the best man and kids going because she doesn't want to take time off, why would you want her there anyway?

Weddings are important family events, to most people your brothers wedding comes above one afternoon in your low-wage job. Priorities, people. Nobody is going to suffer because she took one afternoon off.

CMOTDibbler · 08/07/2016 12:27

Ummm, but if her husband is the BM, surely he was answering calls from you, so why didn't you talk to him about the date before booking?

Doggity · 08/07/2016 12:27

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. In some term-time work places, it's frowned upon for even asking.

JudyCoolibar · 08/07/2016 12:28

Why can't you book a midweek wedding during school holidays?

SapphireStrange · 08/07/2016 12:29

YANBU. I don't know anything about getting time off as a TA, but there is obviously a backstory here of her being envious and having a centre-of-attention complex. Not to mention the generous warning given.

Sounds like her DH/the best man is having none of it though and will turn up to support you both. Good on him.

Lweji · 08/07/2016 12:29

I can see why she may have avoided responding to your insistence about getting the day off for your wedding.
You don't seem to take a no for an answer easily.

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2016 12:29

""It's her flat refusal to even TRY and ask or get the afternoon off (incidentally the last day of term and a Friday - wedding at 3 so she would need say from 12pm off?""

The last day of term makes it more reasonable for her to not want it off. Children are leaving, Staff are sometimes too. There's often stuff planned and it needs clearing up afterwards.

Two of my DDs had/have SN/AN, their TAs meant the World to them. My youngest DDs bus escort is the person that she has fondest memories of. I'm grateful that she was so committed to her role, even though it wasn't 'Professional' and poorly paid.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:30

Again user do you work in education? It's likely the head will say no to time off from what the op's said about the school. What does the sister do then?

Birdsgottafly · 08/07/2016 12:31

Also, her children may be taking gifts in for their favourite Staff members.

My DDs never wanted to miss the last day.

19lottie82 · 08/07/2016 12:31

gruffalo You "wouldn't want your husband to go to a midweek wedding"? The man in question is the best man! And I would never tell my DH he couldn't go to a friend or family members wedding, even if it was midweek.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:32

I don't know anything about getting time off as a TA

If you dos you'd know that "generous warning given" is totally irrelevant. Most schools do not allow staff to take term time afternoons off.

SapphireStrange · 08/07/2016 12:32

Lweji, but the 'insistence' was to try to give her fair warning about asking for time off. Her ignoring it sounds like a deliberate ploy to create the problems that are now happening.

She is getting her way; she loves being the centre of attention and, lo and behold, at the moment she is!

Best thing the OP and DP could do would be to ignore her, IMO. Focus on the fact that the best man IS coming.

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 12:32

^Did not dos

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/07/2016 12:33

I'd be well pissed off if I couldn't make my siblings wedding if they'd booked it knowing I couldn't make it then my DH still went! His priorities are fucked.

Lweji · 08/07/2016 12:33

I get that Sapphire, but this is definitely one of those threads where I'd love to hear the other side of the story.