She talks to everyone a lot except me.

[MrMan999]

Working in an office, there's a girl on my team who sometimes keeps herself to herself, but the rest of the time, talks to everyone else quite a bit. Me? Just occasionally. If that. If others have a general conversation, she'll sometimes react to things they say, but when I make a contibution, she'll just act as if I've said nothing and carry on staring at her screen.

And today, I passed her when coming back onto the 3rd floor after my break, as she was heading the other way. I said hello. She just completely blanked me.

I do fancy her so I'm wondering if she's figured that out, and so if she doesn't fancy me then she's shutting me out because of that, rather than invite a conversation. Hence, she only talks to me if it's work-related, and even then she'll aim to talk to others first if they're available (we're on the phones, so that varies).

It's a bit depressing really. Kinda wish we were on different teams, then I wouldn't have to look at her. Out of sight, out of mind :(

What does everyone think of the situation?

I believe Ambroxide is talking about a very similar thread not so long ago rather than personal experience here, hotdiggedy.

I think it was this thread.

Possibly, but this sort of thing is sadly quite common. I've been at the receiving end twice. I'm somewhere between panicking and cringing just thinking of it.

If it is the same poster, he's learned SPAG since he last posted.

Leave her alone OP. Her blanking you is very rude and suggests that you've been somehow inappropriate rather than her just having a hunch that you fancy her. It might be that you've told someone and it's not stayed secret or you've said something inappropriate to her, or been staring, or laid it on really thick whenever she does talk to you. Either way, providing her reaction doesn't stop you working, just leave her alone.

Sorry, but nobody is required to chat to you or look at you in the office, however you feel about them. Doesn't sound like she fancies you. There is nothing you can do about it. Let it go.

I'd disagree with Arf and suggest you not try to address this with her directly until you've worked out what your motivations would be, and whether you've got an issue with tone and boundaries. I had a man who fancied me once where I used to work, and the feeling was not mutual. He began asking me all the time what was wrong, was everything OK between us? I seemed so frosty, etc. I seemed tense. Maybe we could go for a cup of tea and talk it through. Come on! Loosen up, let's talk. What's the issue? Had he said something wrong?

This felt kind of threatening and harrassing, another way of trying to force me to spend time in his company, and if I didn't want to, it was clearly because I was uptight or had some sort of attitude problem. It felt hugely manipulative.

If she's rude, why would you want to go out with her?

Or maybe she knows you fancy her, and that makes her feel uncomfortable around you, so she doesn't want to encourage you.

In which case, you're flogging a dead horse.

Either way, she doesn't want to socialise with you, so respect that choice.

If it causes a problem as far as actual work is concerned, you should, of course, raise it with her.

Otherwise, move on. Just because you want something, doesn't mean she has to give it to you.

Dripfeed.

You've creeped her out or said something pretty offensive. It takes effort to blank someone and she'd be risking her job to take it too far, so I figure she's got a pretty good reason to be doing so, she feels very much justified and she'd be happy to explain her reasons if it was ever taken to superiors.

You sound creepy, especially now you want 'to not look at her' - what, you can't handle the extreme scenario of a woman not returning your feelings? You can't just, I dunno, get on with your life? Ew.

Wow. If a woman came posting this type of reaction from a colleague there would be flowers and chocolate and "It's not you it's him"

Why is the OP being accused of dripfeeding and being inappropriate/creepy? He acknowledged that her reasoning could be because she's picked up that he fancies her so it's not he's pretending all is well and he can carry on. All OP has said is that he's been polite and she's blanked him and it's a bit depressing

If OP has been inappropriate/creepy/pushing boundaries, that is the point of HR/Managers - if the woman is feeling any of those things, she can report it. If she reported something of this magnitude, then the OP would have been spoken to accordingly. If she doesn't report it or respectfully ask the OP to stop doing whatever he's supposed to have done, then how can the OP be accused (and there is a lot of "you've probably done this, you've done that" being thrown around) of being creepy and inappropriate?

I'm not saying btw that OP hasn't been creepy/inappropriate because he COULD be dripfeeding - I just think its a bit shitty to suddenly assume it's the case - and I doubt people would be calling a female poster inappropriate or creepy if the roles were reversed.

I'm sorry missy but I've had a reread and believe most posters would have given the same answer if the OP were a woman. OP has obviously made it known that he fancies his colleague. She's sending signals back that he needs to back off. So he should back off. That's pretty basic regardless of gender.

If a woman came posting... It would be a rare woman to demand equal attention from the object of her desire.

I've had two such Lotharios in my life, the first turned into a fully blown stalker, with the second I read the signs early (like OP's colleague perhaps?). Both started with a sense of injustice "you talk to others but not me" "when Mike says something, you laugh, but not when I do"...

"I do fancy her so I'm wondering if she's figured that out, and so if she doesn't fancy me then she's shutting me out because of that, rather than invite a conversation."

I think you've answered your own question, quite honestly.

Try and concentrate on your job and be a bit more subtle in future.

Unsullied - I don't disagree that he's probably made it clear, but I'm trying to decipher what in the OP suggests he's definitely made it clear, because all I can see is that he says hello to her in a corridor (which we all do) - he's not said "I've asked her out" etc - which is what I meant by jumping to conclusions.

I certainly don't think we would be accusing a woman of being creepy or inappropriate - I believe we would say "he's not that into you" or "move on" which is what some posters have rightly advised.

It's very emotive, accusatory language to start throwing around after ONE post, that's all I'm saying.

Rare for a woman to demand equal attention? I've seen plenty of threads recently where women have asked "Why me" and "He's not messaged me back" and pondering why they are not receiving the same as they are putting in. But I don't recall replies to the effect of "You're creepy and inappropriate" - that's all

Yes, rare for a woman to say "there is an attractive man on my team who is chattier with other females on the team" and feel hard done by.

Ah - gotcha.

To be fair, I've heard plenty of women say round the office I work in "So and so fancies Ms X, what's she got that I haven't" or "Mr X fancies her, but she's so fake" so, it works both ways - it just depends on the language used when explaining it, I think. I've known plenty of women to feel hard done by because they've not received attention above others, but again, they're not referred to as creepy.

Thing is I'm not disagreeing with anything that has been said - I'm just not sure why people are instantly jumping to assuming or accusing the OP of being this stalkerish creep - there have been plenty of polite, non-accusatory "She's not into you, cut loose" posts without the whole "You're a creep and she's afraid of you". Those are two very different things.

"and I doubt people would be calling a female poster inappropriate or creepy if the roles were reversed.""

There have been threads, there was one recently, the female OP was in a management position. She and then have been told the same thing as this OP.

Why should a woman have to go to HR or the Police before a man stops thinking that he's owed something?

It's annoying to go into work and once again be treated like an available peice of meat.

The OP should think what he would do if this was another man ignoring him and react the same, which would be to keep his distance and not be bothered by it.

I don't know how old the OP is, but if he's over 22, then it's all a bit intense and if he wants a shag or partner, he needs to be concentrating on making that happen, outside of work.

"Why do people keep calling OP creepy?"

Because OP said she's a girl. So presumably still in her teens.

Leave her alone,and let her first taste of work or work experience be focussed on work.

Nobody should go into work and feel like a piece of meat, Birds.

But I'm still failing to see how this OP is making her feel like a piece of meat by saying "hello" in a coridoor and feeling annoyed that she's blanking him but not other colleagues.

I'm female and I have a female colleague who has chosen to isolate me from her general day to day chattiness (I was promoted over her) and I feel annoyed at it, because it's unnecessary and rude. I reported it to HR because it was interfering with my work. The same rights are available to this woman. Perhaps, like my colleague, she has taken a dislike to the OP based on a couple of factors, none of which are exclusively about his admiration of her?

If we are to suggest this man is treating this woman like a piece of meat, then she should definitely look toward either telling this man her feelings or going to HR. She has a voice, she's in a workplace surrounded by policies and procedures that enable her.

I think I remember the thread you are referring to, and you're right - people did say similar comments. But if I recall correctly, she was being very overt with her behaviour and admitted so, not to mention the fact she was his senior.

The OP hasn't offered this information and yes, he could be withholding this information, but the fact he's instantly been told he is "creepy" and "inappropriate" is because he has been judged straight off the bat from ONE post.

I don't think that is in the spirit of the "equality" people champion, really, when plenty of women have posted "Why doesn't he like me" posts without this accusatory, judegemental language.

Missy I think the OP is striking a particular tone that is familiar to some of us. Playing up what a nice guy he is, how unreasonable it is that this woman is being so cold to him, how unhappy it's making him that she won't just be friendly. What's he done wrong? Is it too much to ask for some basic human interaction? A smile now and again? Could someone please point to precisely what it is he's done wrong? That she can't even say hello? Exactly what has he done? Because if he hasn't done anything, then she should say hello, yes? Right?

It's not unusual where I live to have men I don't know shout abuse at me in the street if I don't return their greeting as I walk past. 'Just being friendly love! Get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? Uptight bitch' etc etc. Past experience tells me that if I do politely return their greeting, they will start following me, pestering me, not taking no for an answer, and ultimately they'll end up shouting abuse anyway. So it's easier just not to acknowledge them, because either way it's not going to end well.

A man who feels similarly entitled to my attention at work is going to set some alarm bells ringing, because it feels like a familiar pattern, and one that could ultimately become threatening. The OP may not be like this at all, but it might be helpful to him to know how he might be coming across.

We don't know what the OP has said to this woman (or about her, that's got back to her) or what he's done. We do know that he's preoccupied with her in a fairly intense way, is scrutinising her interactions with other colleagues in minute detail, is adamant he hasn't done anything to cause her to avoid him, and her coldness is making him so sad!!

This level of intensity and indignation in this post makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - because it feels like an echo of the street harrassment I get. But it's just this side of something I'd feel I could take to HR without sounding like a paranoid fantasist. (I would also not report to HR what you did, about your female colleague not being chattier with you after you got the promotion she wanted).

It's not something I would feel comfortable talking about directly with someone who makes me feel threatened, precisely because there would be nothing in particular that I could put my finger on that felt weird. Standing too close, staring, etc - those are all subjective. 'How bout this close? Can I stand this close? Am I looking at you too intensely? No, please, help me understand! I'm a nice guy! I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable!'

It feels very familiar & insidious to me, and I imagine to others.

I also think you may have dive something inadvertently to make her uncomfortable.
I remember when I was younger and worked in this place, and this guy kept looking at me with his bloody mouth open and this vacant expression. Really gave me the creeps. Turns out he fancied me (feeling was definitely not mutual)

Could she also be in a relationship?

Done not dive!