She talks to everyone a lot except me.

[MrMan999]

Working in an office, there's a girl on my team who sometimes keeps herself to herself, but the rest of the time, talks to everyone else quite a bit. Me? Just occasionally. If that. If others have a general conversation, she'll sometimes react to things they say, but when I make a contibution, she'll just act as if I've said nothing and carry on staring at her screen.

And today, I passed her when coming back onto the 3rd floor after my break, as she was heading the other way. I said hello. She just completely blanked me.

I do fancy her so I'm wondering if she's figured that out, and so if she doesn't fancy me then she's shutting me out because of that, rather than invite a conversation. Hence, she only talks to me if it's work-related, and even then she'll aim to talk to others first if they're available (we're on the phones, so that varies).

It's a bit depressing really. Kinda wish we were on different teams, then I wouldn't have to look at her. Out of sight, out of mind :(

What does everyone think of the situation?

BipBippadotta, that's just it. I can't quite put my finger on it either, but the sense of entitlement and injustice is very familiar. The one time I responded politely I landed myself a stalker. The next time I went very very aloof, changed my lunchtime, walked a different way around the building, filtered him out. His attentions moved on to another female member of staff and he duly became her stalker.

He too was a polite and nice guy who was a bit insulted that his conversations and jokes were not returned once he latched onto a woman. He's still there and all new young female staff members are duly warned to remain quite distant with him.

Just to reiterate, I'm totally not disagreeing with anyone - in fact, I take the same sort of position that most of you are. I think it's just the instant pitchforks being stabbed out that gets my back up I guess.

I get that, missybct. The OP creeps many out because this is such a cliche.

A bit like the card gambler on a tourist bridge, entirely possible he just wants an innocent game. Or the street harasser who dog whistles women, he might just believe he is complimenting them.

I think people are projecting way too much of their own experiences on to OP.

I work in a mixed office and men are just as sensitive to being deliberately ignored by colleagues (male or female) as women. It's upsetting for anyone.

The pitchforks coming out have apparently put OP from returning.

EdithWeston

"Why do people keep calling OP creepy?"

Because OP said she's a girl. So presumably still in her teens.

Leave her alone,and let her first taste of work or work experience be focussed on work.

You're making an awful lot of assumpions, Edith. The 'girl' could be 26 for all you know and on her 6th job. The word 'girl' is sadly not just reserved for teens.

And OP could be 18!

One might call it projecting. Alternatively, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

She doesn't fancy you. For whatever reason - which you may or not be aware of - she doesn't even want to acknowledge your presence. She quite possibly dislikes you. There may be a good reason for this (which again you may be aware of or not) or not.

In any case, forget about her. And stop obsessing.

The creepiness to me is that the OP seems to feel he is owed something. She "does X for THEM but not for ME". Now he wants to "never see her" (bit drastic.)

If a woman posted that two other women on her team liked to visit each others' homes for dinner parties, would she be reasonable to whinge "But why not ME?" and desire to "NEVER see them again"? No, she'd be sticking her beak into other people's business.

I also think that blanking someone in the workplace is such an extreme measure she clearly has reason to have done so - she is either very dislikable, in which case why would he even like her, or she feels it necessary to keep him even further away than arm's length by not speaking to him. Had he just said "She doesn't speak to me and it's strange" then fine, we might have been more sympathetic, but he clearly writes "I fancy her", the seeds of anger that make him want "to never see her" and it reminds me of all the workplace interactions I had, and I'm sure many women had, that went just the same way - guy gets sleazy, says too much, touches too much, leers over you, and you have to back off - back the hell off, keep face neutral, keep eyes down, keep speech monosyllabic. Because you just know one drink, or one 'performance review', you're going to be accused of being a cocktease and asking for it. Or, hey, maybe I just worked in very strange offices.

I disagree - blanking someone in the workplace is perhaps one of the lesser extreme ways of expressing distrust or dislike/unease toward a person.

He actually said "I do fancy her" and identified this may make her feel uncomfortable, which actually shows a great deal more awareness than most blokes do if they truly want to make a woman feel like a piece of meat.

Perhaps he doesn't want to see her because he himself feels awkward about the situation? Why does it have to be because he "hates" her or feels "angry" toward her? He didn't use aggressive language, he said it was "depressing" which would suggest he feels rejected and lacking in self confidence as a result, something we have all experienced at some stage in our life - he even substantiates that by saying "out of sight, out of mind", not "so I don't have to feel angry she's rejected me".

Kenduskeag

Now he wants to "never see her" (bit drastic.)

Except that OP never said that, Kendu.

Kenduskeag alas, I don't think you've worked in particularly strange offices.

Zarah The trouble here is that the description of this woman's behaviour, and the fact that the OP fancies her, is the only information we have to work with. To me the woman's behaviour sounds like the sort of thing you do when you are at great pains to discourage contact from someone.

There are all sorts of reasons she might want to discourage contact from the OP. It could be that he got a promotion she wanted and she's resentful. It could be that they disagreed over the EU referendum result. It could be that the OP is black and the woman is a racist. But we've not been given any information that could help us understand what's going on, apart from his interest, her clear lack of interest, and his indignation about it.

In threads where women complain of being left out by other women (and these come up quite a lot!), I also tend to reply that, sad as it may be, nobody owes anyone else friendship. It needs to be mutual. It's a matter of taking cues and reading signals and giving one another space and respecting boundaries. You cannot argue that someone's reason for not liking you is 'not good enough', and make them be your friend. I'd say that to anyone, male or female.

No, Zarah123, you are right, he didn't say he never wanted to see her. He just said Kinda wish we were on different teams, then I wouldn't have to look at her. That in itself is creepy as hell. Having to look at her! The poor OP.

Zarah the OP does say 'then I wouldn't have to look at her,' which does sound a bit extreme to me.

Bip - I agree, the threads are plentiful and usually end in "You're not owed anything, move on" type advice. Pitchforks do come out occasionally, but the general consensus is that few feathers are ruffled and nobody wails that the OP is creepy or inappropriate.

OP on the other hand, was called a creep, inappropriate and was shoved in the same category, almost instantly, as some stalkerish predator who was enraged with rejection. I get that it's possible, I get that it's happened to plenty of us (me included), but I don't get why this thread threw out the pitchforks other than people have instantly seen this is a man posting, and he's mentioned he fancies the woman in his office.

That's what I meant about the disparity, which is why I said "I don't really see this as equality" - I don't feel the OP was given the equality we champion for - he was almost instantly accused of having incredibly provocative and in some wailing posts, dangerous inclinations.

Bip I agree with a lot of what you say. I've been the recipient of creepy behaviour and language, as well as sexual assault and it still angers me many years later. Thankfully hasn't happened at work.

Maybe I just didn't get the same impression that others did from the OP. I suppose I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt until we got more detail.

I'm also having trouble with a bullying colleague, who is within my eyeline and I would love to not have to see her when I look up, so I can sympathise with OP on that aspect.

As for the "I wouldn't have to look at her" comment.

How many times have we said "I can't look him in the eye" when we've made a twat out of ourselves? Or "I wish the ground would swallow me up"?

Has anybody tried to be objective at all here? If we felt humiliated or rejected, it's natural to want to avoid the person. "I wouldn't have to look at her" could as easily be read as "I feel really embarrassed, it would be easier if we worked separately"

How does that instantly translate to 'this man wants her as a trophy and he's now angry and enraged at her rejection'?

I think, unfortunately, until we have sex equality in the physical world, and sexual harassment and rape aren't an issue anymore, it's likely that women will feel a bit threatened (/creeped out) by a man who bemoans lack of attention from a woman he's interested in sexually, and wants to know why.

I'd love it to be different.

I bet if you took a straw poll of female MN users, this would be something that the vast majority of women have experienced from the other side - frequently in their first jobs when they haven't felt confident enough to address it. So people are going to respond to this from what they know, because this is a trend that most of us have directly experienced.

The problem is, from the OP it's impossible to tell whether the OP is just a bit clueless and needs to take the hint to leave the girl alone, or whether he's got the potential to go full stalker and unfortunately I've had to deal with that myself before.

Either way, OP needs to back off because it's not the girl's fault that he likes her and she doesn't owe him anything beyond civility.

missy I agree

Bip - agreed, again.

But tbh, I don't feel like we've (and when I say we, I mean the women that have posted on this thread) have treated this man posting with equality, at all. He's been judged on a set of parameters - much like many stigmatised sections of society suffer. He's been accused of being a creep on the basis of very little evidence. Isn't that, in essence, the antithesis of equality?

You sound creepy, leave her alone. Are you a jemble?

Well said missy

I'll try to ignored the fact that you've probably creeped her out here...

It's work, you do not have to be friends with all of your colleagues. Generally in life, some people get on better than others.
As long as she speaks to you when she has to and its work related, she hasn't done anything wrong.
Stop overthinking this one and accept it for what it is. And DO NOT make a scene by asking her what you've done wrong.
Leave her alone and be a normal co-worker. Please.

This is spookily like the situation my friend has going on at the moment.
She has a guy in her team who is constantly asking her about what he should be doing and how he should do it, to the point where she is spending all day trying to blank him out and ignore him because hes so constantly bothering her with stupid questions that shes struggling to get her own work done. She even sent (another) formal email to her manager the other day to try and get her manager to do some actual managing and finally have a word with him about it.
He also thinks that the way to make "a contribution" to work conversation is to announce that HE would have done X job differently, or asking her to justify why she made the perfectly fine design decisions that she made, he puts her work down all the time.

Stormtreader, urgh, what a horrible situation for your friend to be in!

Has she told him firmly "please leave me alone or I'll have to file a complaint for harrassment"? Also, she should start recording everything he says and does and make sure that other people notice his behaviour. And then, if necessary, go to HR.

This is completely unacceptable, and infuriating.

Basic analysis: Nobody owes you friendship.

She responds professionally on work-related matters. She isn't doing anything wrong.

I'm afraid you're in the wrong, MrMan, for expecting reciprocation. You have the only relationship with her that you're entitled to: cool & professional.

It might be that you're the spitting image of someone who was horrible to her in the past. It might be that you remind her of a creepy uncle. It could be all sorts of things, from her not liking your sense of humour to snobbery to genuine fear. Whatever it is, this is HER BUSINESS not yours.

Sorry she doesn't like you as you like her. Life sucks sometimes. Respect other people's choices, or else you will become a pest.