She talks to everyone a lot except me.

[MrMan999]

Working in an office, there's a girl on my team who sometimes keeps herself to herself, but the rest of the time, talks to everyone else quite a bit. Me? Just occasionally. If that. If others have a general conversation, she'll sometimes react to things they say, but when I make a contibution, she'll just act as if I've said nothing and carry on staring at her screen.

And today, I passed her when coming back onto the 3rd floor after my break, as she was heading the other way. I said hello. She just completely blanked me.

I do fancy her so I'm wondering if she's figured that out, and so if she doesn't fancy me then she's shutting me out because of that, rather than invite a conversation. Hence, she only talks to me if it's work-related, and even then she'll aim to talk to others first if they're available (we're on the phones, so that varies).

It's a bit depressing really. Kinda wish we were on different teams, then I wouldn't have to look at her. Out of sight, out of mind :(

What does everyone think of the situation?

CowVersusMouse, I had to google "jemble". Crikey. And so accurate.

usvsth3m.com/post/82202080566/the-word-jemble-is-taking-twitter-by-storm-but-what

Stormtreader's friend's problem sounds different. The guy's trying to undermine her work.

The thing is, I dont think it is different - I'm pretty sure the guy my friend is having an issue with isnt doing it all on purpose, its just that he thinks his opinion is so important and impressive that everyone should be grateful to hear it. I could very easily imagine that he actually thinks hes flirting with her, or at least "trying to be friendly", but hes failing very very badly.

I dunno, missy, I think the OP got equality of treatment, given that this is AIBU - man or woman, you need a thick hide to post here.

I agree, Stormtreader. He probably thinks he's doing her a favour and she should be grateful, ffs.

This is weird if shes not interested and dosent seem to like you then leave her alone you clearly make her uncomfortable

Bip - ha, this is very true - I don't think I'd have the guts

Interesting discussion though, how people infer differently.

For the record, I don't know Ambroxide. This was my first post. FAO a lot of people on here - way to jump on the new guy. And, after googling it, I realise I am aware of SPAG. I hadn't heard of that term before.

I think those people on the money, on this thread, are those who say that they think she's sussed I fancy her. It's not reciprocated and so her way of dealing with it is to just shut me out unless she needs to speak to me for work-related reasons, although there have been other times along the way when she's started up a conversation about non-work things, so if she was that freaked out, then surely she wouldn't start such a conversation.

BTW, we are both adults. I used 'girl' as a colloquialism. My bad.

I've no idea if she has a significant other. She never talks about them if she does. She plays her cards very close to her chest with a lot of people. It's just with others she at least looks happy to talk to them, whereas for me it's like I've done a dump in her coffee.

And there's a perfect example in this thread of "when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of u". Just because I put the bit about fancying her later in the first post than at the start, you assume I fancy her because she ignores me. I fancy her because she's very attractive. Then again, other aspects of what I've posted have been taken to the extreme in some replies, here.

And why do some assume a racist tone in this?

And I haven't done anything in the form of harrassment. Jeez, some people really have got the pitchforks out!

OneFlewOverTheDodosNestL "Either way, OP needs to back off because it's not the girl's fault that he likes her and she doesn't owe him anything beyond civility."

Well, she's not being civil.

And, GarlicStake, she's not being professional by blanking me in the way she does.

And if I remind her of someone from her past that she doesn't like, why should I have to suffer for that? We're all adults. We can get on. Such people affected in that way really need to deal with such things, not let them fester.

And neither of us have had a promotion or applied for one. We are at the same grade.

There was another woman I fancied but, again, didn't know a lot about. She was on our team for a while, and at that point I was able to get to know her better and realised that we wouldn't be a match. Hence, I just wish I could have a conversation or three with the one in question and then, for all any of us know, I would have a clearer idea that we're not a match.

I find that some are painting me as the Devil Incarnate rather odd, as if they're about to shove me into the wicker man.

PS. We are both in our 30s.

She's probably got a bit of an air of mystery about her which makes her seem that bit more attractive.

Some people aren't meant for each other, I suspect if your attraction was recepricated you would have at least had a conversation with her before now.

Otherwise, there's always the bold option of just coming straight out and saying 'I think you're nice, I was wondering if you'd like to grab a coffee?'

If she refuses, then just go 'OK, thanks,' and move on with your life. No harm no foul.

A conversastion about going out, I presume you mean, as we've had general conversations.

Yes, it's the air of mystery.

Because we're in the same office and I'm not getting a "Hey, I'd love to go out with you vibe" (quite the opposite, hence this post), that's put me off asking her out, especially since we're on the same team. If one of us happened to change offices (and people move on all the time) then it'd be easy to send her an email asking her. Then if she said no, or simply didn't reply, I'd know it's a definite no. Until then, I wouldn't want to say anything.

You're oddly defensive about this, I must say. You're old enough to realise that no-one can be universally liked. Surely you're able to respect a person's own decisions?

And if I remind her of someone from her past that she doesn't like, why should I have to suffer for that?

This kind of thing happens all the time, without our being necessarily aware of it. I guarantee you've done it yourself.

You're only "suffering" in the sense that you wish for a closer relationship with someone that doesn't feel the same way. It's disappointing - it doesn't give you any right to impose on them or try to alter them.

people affected in that way really need to deal with such things, not let them fester.

Do the healthy thing, mate, and take your own advice.

Please don't ask her out, OP. I think she's made it quite clear already that the answer will be no. You might feel things might change if you could get to know each other better, but I wouldn't push it if I were you. She seems to be giving off pretty strong defensive vibes. Let it go, I beg you.

Dude.

She doesn't even want to speak to you. I am 99.9% positive that she doesn't want to have sex with you.

I know it sucks when you fancy someone who doesn't fancy you back, but you need to deal with it and get the fuck over her quickly before you talk yourself into Robin Thicke territory.

I just wish I could have a conversation or three with the one in question and then, for all any of us know, I would have a clearer idea that we're not a match
Surely it's clear your not a match when she clearly doesn't even want to give you the opportunity to talk? She's giving big back the fuck off vibes

You sound a bit persistent and intense. Leave it alone, and move on.

" Hence, I just wish I could have a conversation or three with the one in question and then, for all any of us know, I would have a clearer idea that we're not a match."

It doesn't matter whether you decide that the two of you would be a match. This woman has made it as clear as she can without screaming it in your face that she is just not interested.

"I'm not getting a "Hey, I'd love to go out with you vibe"

Exactly. So leave her alone.

Garlicstake

And if I remind her of someone from her past that she doesn't like, why should I have to suffer for that?
This kind of thing happens all the time, without our being necessarily aware of it. I guarantee you've done it yourself.

Sometimes someone has reminded me of someone from my past, but not to the point where I'd go out of my way not to speak to the new person.

I was throwing you a bone, OP - offering up a type of reason that doesn't imply you're creeping her out.

You shot that one down. You won't accept people have subtle reasons for their choice of friends so, by your own logic, she's avoiding closer interaction with you for a very conscious reason. You creeping her out.

• you creep her out

I believe Ambroxide is talking about a very similar thread not so long ago rather than personal experience here

Well, nearly. I was talking about someone on a board I used to frequent (since closed down). This sounded awfully familiar. I do not know the person in question other than online, but on that board we used to get a thread a week about this kind of thing, all v similar and all with the same responses of 'you are being creepy, leave her alone you weirdo'.

She is at work to work, OP. As are you. I think thats what you need to keep in mind. You're not personal friends and its not a social club, she can pass the time of day with who she chooses. I agree its unprofessional if she ignores you but tbh, in an office full of people then so what? Talk to others. Maybe she just doesn't like you. Its best to accept that rather than overthinking it. I don't talk to everybody I work with, simply because I don't want to. & perhaps they don't want to talk to me either. They don't have to.

If you're going to tackle her about why she didnt respond to your "hello" in the corridor then you'd better not do that in isolation with her lest you find yourself pulled up for harassment. She's made clear by her actions she wants to avoid you and in this case I think thats her right. You say "she plays her cards close to her chest" well thats not to her detriment - good for her, not everybody likes to reel out their personal business to the whole office. Again, its work - its not a social club neither is it a place where you have to cultivate friendships beyond pleasantries, if thats not your bag

Don't brood on it, thats when it appears un-nerving and is why other posters are calling you creepy. You are over-invested. Let it go, take your focus off this woman and get on with your work

You are at work, not on a date. You have no right to figure out if you are a match. It is unnecessary anyway, because with this approach, you are no match for anybody.

Paxillin - "you are no match for anybody."

Again, the pitchforks are out. That's very rude and not at all called for.

She also gets a say in whether or not you're 'a match'. If she blanks you in the hallway, chances are she does not think you are a match. She does not have to give you a chance. She does not owe it to you to get to know you better. This isn't speed dating where everyone gets their 3 minutes to pitch - this is a workplace. Get on with your job and let it go.

She is sending very strong signals that - for whatever reason - she does not like you. Not everyone we like will like us back. Life is not fair that way. It sucks. But the sooner you accept that, and let go of your indignation about it, the happier you will be.

OP, I think Paxillin was saying that with this approach you are no match for anyone. Try to listen to what people are saying to you, because I think for the most part we are trying to help.

Your sense that this woman owes you something - friendly conversation, a chance to get to know her better, etc - and that her failure to give you what you feel you are owed is a sign of a character flaw on her part (you've suggested immaturity or lack of professionalism) that must be remedied, is really problematic. This comes over as controlling and obsessive, and is likely to put women off. We are telling you how you come across in your messages, in the hope that this will help you.