She talks to everyone a lot except me.

[MrMan999]

Working in an office, there's a girl on my team who sometimes keeps herself to herself, but the rest of the time, talks to everyone else quite a bit. Me? Just occasionally. If that. If others have a general conversation, she'll sometimes react to things they say, but when I make a contibution, she'll just act as if I've said nothing and carry on staring at her screen.

And today, I passed her when coming back onto the 3rd floor after my break, as she was heading the other way. I said hello. She just completely blanked me.

I do fancy her so I'm wondering if she's figured that out, and so if she doesn't fancy me then she's shutting me out because of that, rather than invite a conversation. Hence, she only talks to me if it's work-related, and even then she'll aim to talk to others first if they're available (we're on the phones, so that varies).

It's a bit depressing really. Kinda wish we were on different teams, then I wouldn't have to look at her. Out of sight, out of mind :(

What does everyone think of the situation?

Not at all, OP. Nothing to do with pitchforks.

A man who believes it is his right to check out his colleagues to see if they are a match is no match for anybody. Especially if he then gets huffy if one of the colleagues clearly does not want it.

Well, I know this isn't my situation, but there is a man at work to whom I will no longer speak, even for work matters. He did have a crush on me, I knew this but tried to be friendly but distant. It emerged that he told friends of his in our workplace that I had slept with him and on a work social event where I spoke to a man in our company, he started screaming at me for being 'a slut'.

Refusing to communicate further with a colleague is an extreme way to behave but it's not always unreasonable.

Abbie - if I had done anything like what that bloke did (which is disgraceful behaviour on his part) then you would be right to not only ignore him but report him. I've done nothing like that, and nothing untoward, hence, she's being unprofessional in her behaviour.

Well I accept you didn't do anything like that which is why I prefaced my remarks. However, people usually have a reason for what they do, often a good one. But I see you've already decided that it's her lack of professionalism rather than anything you could have possibly done, so case closed, Columbo.

OP, I'm wondering what you're looking for from this thread. You asked what people thought of this situation, and people responded with their thoughts.

You seem increasingly clear about your own thoughts on the matter: that this woman is being immature, unprofessional and unreasonable, and that it is inexcusable for her not to speak to you as much as she does to others because your behaviour has been impeccable. You also mentioned at one point that it might help matters to ask her out, so that you could know for certain where you stand.

So... what's the nature of the problem? Is it a workplace issue? I.e., do you feel she is behaving in a way that is interfering with your ability to work effectively? You've been inconsistent about how much she avoids you - on the one hand you've said she blanks you in the hallway, on the other hand you've said she's initiated conversations with you about non-work things, which apparently demonstrates beyond a doubt that she is not creeped out by you. This gives a bit of a confusing picture. If she's chatting to you about work and non-work things, but just not as much as she does to everyone else, exactly how is this affecting your work? Apart from the fact that you seem to be thinking about it rather a lot? (And whose responsibility is it what you spend your time thinking about?)

Or is this more of a personal problem: that you fancy her and are frustrated you're not getting the response you want? There is no solution to this problem except to let it go.

BipBippadotta - "You've been inconsistent about how much she avoids you - on the one hand you've said she blanks you in the hallway, on the other hand you've said she's initiated conversations with you about non-work things, which apparently demonstrates beyond a doubt that she is not creeped out by you. This gives a bit of a confusing picture. If she's chatting to you about work and non-work things, but just not as much as she does to everyone else, exactly how is this affecting your work?"

I never said it affects my work, but I was coming to that question of - if I 'creep her out' as others have said, then why does she sometimes initiate non-work conversations whilst at other times blanking me completely?

OP have you considered that this lady may have social issues. I myself avoid speaking and eye contact in the corridor with someone I know simply if I'm not feeling confident enough or if I have "bumped into" them too many times.

On a similar note if I caught someone staring at me I would make the effort to avoid them when I could but possibly could even if they didn't fancy me.

I don't think this behaviour is unprofessional because she is doing her job and no-one owes anyone socialisation.

*when I possibly could

Phone error

I do think it's unprofessional to let your personal desires spill into your workplace and any feelings of desire you had towards her should never rear their head.

I give up, I'm too confused about what's going on here.

Your original post suggested (a) she talks to everyone else a lot but not you, (b) that she will only talk to you if it's work-related - and even then will only come to you if there's nobody else around she could ask (c) that she ignores your contributions to a conversation. But now you're saying she not only talks to you about non-work things, but initiates those conversations, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that she can't possibly be freaked out by you. And yet occasionally she blanks you completely.

Since you're sure this couldn't possibly be anything to do with you or how you interact with her, I guess the only explanation for the blanking is that she doesn't see you. She probably needs glasses. Maybe next time you should get right up in her face and wave frantically. Good luck.

YourNewspaperIsShit - social issues is also a possibility, although since she's very open with other people, why is she closed with me, or maybe she's closed with others as well, and I don't see it because it happens elsewhere in life?

BipBippadotta - "I give up, I'm too confused about what's going on here." (plus, your a, b, and c) - Yes, all those things happen, which is why it's a very confusing situation.

We don't need to know why she's avoiding you. Stop over analysing and get on with life.

If she is very open with others and closed with you, it means she does not like you. That's how it is. She does not have to give a reason why. Move on.

It could be that she actually really likes you OP and just becomes incredibly shy around you, to the point where she avoids you as she fees uncomfortable with her own feelings. If she talks to you sometimes but avoids you at other times then I don't think she dislikes you. And I'm speaking from personal experience here in a similar situation!

*feels

" why does she sometimes initiate non-work conversations whilst at other times blanking me completely?"

I would imagine she's trying to find the balance between not being outright rude, but not wanting to mislead you into thinking that there's some sort of friendship or relationship brewing between you.

Look- listen to what everyone is telling you. Every further post from you is you trying to see something that isn't there, or trying to convince yourself there's some sort of "situation" between you, or that she's the one with the problem. It's all nonsense. She just simply doesn't fancy you back. There is nothing going on here that exists outside of your own head.

Stop obsessing about her, and move on with your life. For your own sake.

Newspaper, I worked in a big organisation with a lot of corridors - if you greeted everyone you knew, every time you passed them, you'd have been like a Duracell toy going "Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!"

It was normal to just say hi the first time you bumped into each other.

happysunnyday - Thanks for your input. It would be good if that was the case. How has your situation panned out?

OP why are you seemingly only listening to posters who say its possible she likes you. If she liked you, she would smile at least even if she didn't say hello. The fact that she doesn't salute you or speak to you means she does not like you or harbour romantic feelings towards you. I feel I am being too blunt to the point of being rude and that is not my intention but it feels like you want people to say she likes you when it is glaringly obvious she doesn't.

1. you are over analysing. Massively.

2. how can you fancy her? You don't know her. You only fancy who you think she is and how she looks. You think she's fit, that's it.

3. it is work.

4. the most unattractive thing in a man (ime) is desperation. I am very sure in this situation that you are coming across as at least a little desperate.

Do you have some quaint notion that she is playing hard to get? Grown up women in their thirties tend not to actively avoid men they like.

Just out of interest, have you ever watched those videos of women walking around New York and Paris who don't respond to the uninvited comments they receive? They're told, pretty damn quick, that they're being rude, ungrateful, should say thank you etc etc. You're a hair away from that frankly, making her lack of interest in you 'unprofessional' and 'not being civil'.

Can you imagine her horror if she realises she has been assessed as a potential match for weeks?

I generally assume my colleagues see me as pax, who works on xyz and is competetent in xyz and abc. I would be shocked if I was pax the potential squeeze who is assessed on her personal qualities. I also don't tend to advertise my personal setup, much like the pursued colleague of yours.

I have a personal experience to share of a time when I fancied someone who ignored me. It was clear to me that he liked me too, but was too shy to say. So I thought I'd help him out by asking him to be my boyfriend. Puzzlingly, he said no. But I still liked him, and he kept treating me differently from everyone else (averting his eyes when I looked at him, ducking into doorways to avoid me in the corridor, etc) which was a sure sign that I was special to him. So I asked him again when he'd had some more time to think about it. He said no again. I felt a bit sorry for him that his terrible shyness meant that he couldn't say yes to what he so obviously wanted, so I asked him a third time. Still, the answer was no. Baffling!

I was 8. And my dogged pursuit of this boy who was obviously terrified of me made me the laughingstock of the entire school.

happysunnyday great. Give the guy false hope. He needs to leave this girl alone, not have some distorted belief she is somehow interested.
Isn't that how stalkers rationalise their behaviour?