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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
GarlicStake · 06/07/2016 14:53

Instinctively, I'm with you, Nope. It feels like your mum's saying she won't allow your children to "be" themselves when their selves don't suit her ideas. That is upsetting.

On the other hand, I'm thinking about how we teach kids about fitting in with society & other people's expectations ...

... Nope, sod it Grin Wearing what Granny says you must wear isn't a necessary part of social adaptation.

I can see how this is quite a power struggle, especially when she's telling you she spends loads of time with her other grandchildren because their mother is compliant. She's basically saying "My grandchildren don't deserve my time unless their mothers follow my rules." This might not be how she herself sees it, but it is the net effect. So, of course, it is hurtful to you.

But she's okay in other respects, and when you're with them too. I'd be inclined to stick with the mutually acceptable situations, perhaps until the kids are older and have views of their own on social acceptability.

Try to see it as a different choice to your sister's, and equally valid.

PuppyMonkey · 06/07/2016 14:54

TBH, it seems like the dress is no big deal either way to your DS as he just gets bored of it after a while, I mean, why then make such a big massive issue of always having to have "THE DRESS" for him to wear when he probably would wear a long T-shirt to swimming just as happily?

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2016 14:58

""Welcome to 2016 where attitudes are quite liberal and happiness wins. ""

Where I live, a boy going out in a dress would attract negative attention and that would end up, 'the be all and end all' of the day.

Do you really want your DS and your Mum handling that everywhere they go?

It would also be remembered, as he went to school.

In theory, I agree with you. I think your DS is a little young to be decide when it's right to compromise and when it isn't. So the Adult that he is with, gets to make that call.

I wouldn't have the dilemma of the t-shirt, all genders would be covered, for Sun safe reasons. I would take a girls top off to change them etc, the same as a boy, if the children were comfortable.

I think this, as it stands, is getting blown out of proportion.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 06/07/2016 14:58

I Totally get why you are cross. I would not want DD to have the message she must cover up at age 5 and if DS wants a dress, let him. But equally, your DC are unlikely to be brainwashed by granny unless they spend a LOT of time with her.

It's good for them to see others may have different views. Granny still loves them, she just has different views to mummy.

You can show them by doing not saying. My DS still loves dresses. I explained (he's almost 5) that some people might find it unusual for him to wear a dress to a party and might ask him why, might even laugh a bit but that if he wanted to wear a dress I'd stick up for him etc. Just help them by your example. You can't control what DM says or does.

But I really get why you're cross. Better to vent here and then able to be calm in rl.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/07/2016 15:02

I think you are actually very similar to your mum; both opinionated and stubborn and unwilling to back down.

Surely you can come to some sort of compromise on this issue?
I'm sure your children don't want mum and gran arguing and want to spend time with their granny.

BMW6 · 06/07/2016 15:07

Good grief OP - IMHO you are over-reacting massively to this non-issue.
However do you cope in a real crisis?
Do you & your Dsis have issues as you sound really angry with her (but I don't think this issue has anything to do with her has it?).

This really can't be about what your children wear to go to the baths? Hmm

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 06/07/2016 15:12

Boys jeans
Boys top with campers on.
Worn by??

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 06/07/2016 15:15

Why do people get so upset by what kids wear?
My dd had a pair of boys boots for the first winter she was walking.
24 parents complemented us on them the first day she wore them
All the girl shoes were open and flimsy. She would have had wet feet in seconds on the dampest bit of grass.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 06/07/2016 15:19

Clothes are designed for many reasons.
Warmth
Sunday protection
Health and safety
Privacy
Showing allegiance to a team
Showing fun pictures

Not sex/gender identity.

I have a boy and a girl.
They both own blue jeans.
Orange gap hoodie
Brown "furry bear" fleece jackets
Green wellies
Black joggers
White tee shirts
Blue pj's
White socks

Dd even wears some of ds old things.

SamWheat · 06/07/2016 15:59

Like when I was annoyed about this as a teen, even though I never knew if it would happen.

You were annoyed as a teen, about something that may or may not happen in the future with your yet unborn children?! Eh? Why?! Talk about winding yourself up unnecessarily.
Seriously, she just has different views to you on parenting. It happens. For what it's worth, I think boys can play happily with dolls and not "catch the gay" or whatever.
Just roll your eyes, and let her get on with it. So what if your ds wears regular trousers when he's on his visits to Grandma?
Let him hit the dressing up box when he gets home.
You're making way too big a deal out of this.

GabsAlot · 06/07/2016 16:55

arent some of u lot just lovely

i wouldnt take my son out in a dress itsnot right-hes a boy

i mean wtf?

god help you if one day they trn out to be gay and like wearing skirts or dresses

actually god help them

op u let them wear what they want-and tell your mum to shove it-why is it up to her because shes takingthem out -would anyone let a childminder make a decision about what they wear-no i dont think so

user7755 · 06/07/2016 16:59

god help you if one day they trn out to be gay and like wearing skirts or dresses

This made me Grin. Probably too much

CodyKing · 06/07/2016 17:14

Id feel embarrassed taking a boy out wearing a dress too. I know it's not cool to say so on mn.

Says more about you than the child.

I was and have never been embarrassed that my son wanted to wear his sisters dress outside the house. He was happy. If others wanted to judge a 3 year old then shame on them.

NoMudNoLotus · 06/07/2016 17:21

Completely agree with scatter.

WillH · 06/07/2016 17:35

To be fair, I think it's one thing to let your son wear a nice dress that caught their eye (once), or go out in a fancy dress dress, but to change their whole wardrobe so all the went out in is a bit far. Would you do that?

dailymaillazyjournos · 06/07/2016 17:39

It's ok for your Mum to have different ideas about how children dress. It doesn't need to be a whole big thing. My DD loves to put DGD in pretty dresses. I like her in leggings and a top. DGD is still her same adorable little self whatever she wears, so DD doesn't mind if I bung DGD in leggings and a t shirt. I don't have a problem when she puts her in a dress.

It seems a waste of energy to get so peed off about it. I absolutely follow instructions to the letter re food, naps, bedtimes etc. But neither of us care what clothes the other chooses to dress her in. They're just clothes and as long as they are appropriate for the weather, that's the main thing.

diddl · 06/07/2016 17:41

"I have a boy and a girl.
They both own blue jeans.
Orange gap hoodie
Brown "furry bear" fleece jackets
Green wellies
Black joggers
White tee shirts
Blue pj's
White socks"

Yeah, but do they both own dresses?

Psycobabble · 06/07/2016 17:54

No I totally get op , it's not down to dm to dictate and belittle what op wants to do with her own kids . And making vague threats if she won't get her own way. What about just respecting your perfectly reasonable parenting choices and enjoy her grandkids

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 06/07/2016 17:59

Let him wear the dress at home but not going out.

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 06/07/2016 18:23

Gabs OMG do all gay people have to wear opposite gender clothing? Fuck. I never knew this!

2nds · 06/07/2016 18:31

The thing is she states the boy doesn't really want the dress after a while. So is it him that wants to wear a dress or is it OP insisting that he wears it?

MollyTwo · 06/07/2016 18:37

Sorry but I think a boy in a dress is just ridiculous. Not the done thing on mn but then again haven't seen that in rl. You sound very angry and aggressive. Calm down.

BIWI · 06/07/2016 18:54

Whatever any of you think about a boy wearing a dress, it's not about that, is it? It's about the OP's mother trying to override her own daughter's wishes.

BIWI · 06/07/2016 18:55

But what is so wrong with a little boy wanting to wear a dress? Why do so many of you think it's ridiculous? What do you think is going to happen if he wears a dress?

I think you're all afraid it will mean he 'catches the gay'. Which means that it's a homophobic view.

I can't see any other logical reason for it, unless any of you would care to explain your thinking?

user1467101855 · 06/07/2016 18:58

I don't hate my mum, I love her. I hate my sister though but that's a whole different story

You sound like you hate her. And possibly everyone else. Chill out love, your kids will thank you for it.

It's bought by the way, not brought.

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