Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

[NopeSorry]

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

scatter you sound like a ray of sunshine.

When I've been on holiday abroad nearly all the children are covered up in sun protection suits and those are pretty gender neutral in bright colours but still safe for the kids out in the sun especially when they are going in and out of water and given the fact that spf washes off

And at public pools here in the uk most young children have a swim vest/life jackets on which are also gender neutral so not really sure how wearing a top is uncomfortable, how is wearing a top any more uncomfortable than wearing a swim vest, swimsuit or armbands!

I'd feel embarrassed (stupidly, because I'm fine with girls wearing 'boys' clothes so don't know why I'm awkward about it the other way round) taking a boy out wearing a dress but I'd absolutely still do it if that was what the boy wants. Your mum is definitely the one being unreasonable!

I'm sorry OP but you sound massively angry and unstable.

I feel sorry for your mum who is probably used to traditional (and some would say, normal) parenting and you seem to be quite fierce in pushing your "progressive" parenting methods.

Is this a case of the straw that broke the camel's back?

As you sound disproportionately angry as others have said. There must be a back story to this.

You may need to reconsider childcare and distance yourself from your family a little for your own mental health. It may be worth talking with a councillor about your relationship issues with members of your family. It's obviously affecting you a lot.

Take care of yourself op

It's obviously about more than the dress/top.

But if you don't want your kids to have to follow your mum's rules, then you don't leave them with her without you?

Simple!

I think you aren't coming across on this thread as well as you could, OP, especially with the "don't even go there with how my sister is bringing up her kids" as it is pretty hypocritical to say so. Especially when this thread started as a "my mom disagrees with how I am bringing up my children" rant.

Plus the anger does seem a touch over-board but I guess there could be wider issues at play?

If my DC begged me about wearing a dress when going to the beach with granny I would say:

"Your granny has different rules than us, and we respect other people's views even if we disagree with them. So we have to choose between (both DC) wearing shorts and t-shirt when you going to the beach with granny or you stay at home and play dress up".

Why is that such a bad compromise, you could even get clothes with fav tv/book characters on it? Isn't it more tolerant to teach your DC to respect other people's views even when they dont like them?

When your mum is dead and gone will these silly little petty arguments over clothing really matter?

Your son wants a dress, you buy him the dress then 3 hours later he no longer wants it so he's not bothered whether he hasa dress or not, so is it possible that your mum might be thinking that you are the one who wants the dresses the most?

My girls don't go out the front door with no top on.

I think your argument with your mother is a bit petty and he doesn't really want the dress so really what's the real issue? These two kids are children and not weapons. If you are jealous of your sister and your mum's relationship it's not a good idea to use your kids as weapons. BTW if I had a son he could wear a dress in the house but he'd be in boyish clothes outside, not because I want to prevent him from 'turning gay' but to save him from future regret in case he in fact is not gay or is not transgender.

Does your Mum undermine your parenting in other ways?

Maybe little niggly ways? I only ask because I once had a massive blow out with my ex's father over my DD being allowed a straw or not. Of course, it wasn't actually about the straw, it was about every decision I made being questioned, or ignored, by someone who felt they knew better.

Does she give off an air that she believes your sister's children are better than yours? Therefore giving the impression that your sister is better, a better parent etc?

Eyeroll at the 'normal' parenting comment up thread. Welcome to 2016 where attitudes are quite liberal and happiness wins. Op I'm with you, your mum sounds irritating judgemental and old fashioned. I'd be tempted just to say look, we've got different styles but these freedoms are non negotiable so like it or don't see the kids

I'd probably buy my son a towelling poncho (one that was sewn up the sides like a dress) from TK Max to walk to the pool in with your mum, and buy my DD a nice sunsuit thing, rather than fall out with my mum over this.

I agree that it sounds like a cumulative thing, not that this is a one off

I'm with Hufflepuffin

And without knowing all of the details, the "when your mum is dead and gone" spiel could be massively inappropriate

It does seem like you are obsessed with wanting to look like a cool, progressive parent. You also act very aggressively, and single-mindedly.

The fact is that everyone puts certain limitations on their children. If your DS decided he wanted to wear a spiderman outfit to a wedding, would you do it because it made him happy? I doubt you would. Give him chocolate cake for breakfast? Again, highly unlikely.

He is a little boy. Dress him as such. He won't exactly go crazy if you put him in shorts and a polo shirt. I really don't understand this desire to be totally different to any kind of societal norm just to make a point, and often just to say "look at me". "Look at how non-judgemental I am "(Apart from when it is in relation to my mother, sister etc.......)
If he wants to wear a dress when he is older then he will. You are just choosing this instance as something that you wish to follow "what DS wants to do", whereas you won't on others. It just looks like you are doing it to show how wonderful and free thinking you are.
In my non-professional view, I do agree that you should speak to someone about your anger issues, if it is a constant, then it can't create a good atmosphere at home. You can google "anger management" and there will definitely be something near to you.

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/fashion-and-style/11767111/A-tea-dress-is-very-flattering-for-a-bloke-says-Will-Young.html

Will young was trying to make wearing dresses cool at one point. I just think, It's not something we see everyday

As others said there are alternatives like the poncho and it being 2016 or not, it does look odd to me a boy wearing a dress.

Whether it's right or wrong it's just not something people are used to seeing very often and would never be allowed at school

Kids ask for lots of things and as parents we have to say no and set boundaries

Kids need to be wearing a top on the beach, in the park or whatever solely because of the risk of sunburn. If it's hot enough to be going naked then they need to.be.covered. We live by the sea and time and again see badly burned toddlers, who have spent the day paddling in the sea being carried home by gormless parents. Sun screen only does so much, it's always advisable to be covered in loose clothing too. If you aren't taking these precautions then you're foolish.

Regarding the.dress thing then meh, some older people have different views. You same to be way overly upset over this and I take your ranting to mean there is a massive backstory.

I'm not sure that I'm following here, you were angry with your mum when you were a teenager and thought you wouldn't let her have contact with your kids because of something which hadn't happened.

Now you're angry with her because she doesn't want to take your son out wearing a dress and she wants your daughter to wear a top when she goes swimming?

Surely I'm missing something?

I get it OP. Your mother is telling you that your perfect children, who are brave and independent and different and wild and free and inventive and adventurous are not good enough for her as they are, and she wants them to be someone else when they're with her.

I completely understand why you're angry.

I don't think girl's need to wear a top on the beach, however, it's a minor issue which your mum has a different opinion on. Not reason for a family row- pick your battles and all that!

As for the dresses on little boys, I've seen boys dressing up in them at pre-school or reception classes, but not in real life! Most people who like to say their boy wears dresses are trying to prove what a liberal and non-conformist parent they are as if that somehow makes them better. I can't imagine many grandmas would want to take their grandsons out for the day in a dress! Ha!

Gosh you're very angry. You're using your DCs to try to impose your ideas on your DM - stop it.

If the dress and the lack of top matter so much then don't let your DCs go out with your DM. If it's more important to you that they have a relationship with your DM, them compromise on the dress and the top.

You come across as very intolerant of other people's views. It makes me wonder how you're equipping your DCs for going out into the world where they will meet lots of different people with different views. Hopefully you're teaching them a more reasoned response than lots of 'fucked off/pissed off' ranting.

I'm exhausted reading your OP. I can't imagine how tiring it would be to be around your anger in RL.

You do seem to have strong views on this op, I wonder if your dm may be similar personality wise? In which case I can see why you clash.

I have never insisted my dm does things 'my' way, I just accept that if my dses are with my mum, she is making the decisions. My dses are none the worse for this, they adore my mum.

Do all you can to facilitate a strong bond between your children and their grandparents as long as they are not abusive. It can enrich children's lives so much. I had no relationship with any of my grandparents and my dses have already lost one set of grandparents. It's something I feel sad about and I'm thrilled they have the good relationship they do with my parents.

I always worry about modelling behaviour. You had angry clashes with your mum as a teen, you now are living this anger as a grown woman. She has rigid worldviews and so do you now. You cannot let go over the trivial matter of a boy's dress, your way or the highway.

If you show your kids that "stuff granny and her wishes" is the way forward, the danger is they will learn this lesson. You will be granny one day. Will you be in contact with them or are they going to do the same?

And in answer to your question.......well 'insane' is a harsh word but you must be permanently exhausted getting so het up over stuff like this. Honestly, things only become an issue if you choose to make them one.

Your son won't melt if he doesnt wear a dress when out with granny (( is he REALLY that bothered about it ?? Or is there a fuckton of projecting going on ?? )) kids are kids, they arent walking sandwich boards for you to show what a liberal, right on parent you are. My own son lives in onesies, theyre literally the only thing he wears indoors. He doesnt wear them outdoors because he just doesnt. Same as I might advise him force him to wear something smarter if out with grandad or his Aunt. It's no big deal.

On a more serious note, are you ok ?? Do you have anyone in rl to talk to ?? Because you come across as really angry. And that sort of anger is not good to be raising children in.