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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 19:56

I haven't weakened anything Garlic, young boys in dresses isn't normal in society whether people like it or not - that's nothing to do with sexuality at all. My not going to set my children up for ridicule, simple.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 19:56

Everyone would judge my sister's parenting... But do I really need to go into it?

I don't force my son to wear a dress how odd that some of you have gotten that conclusion. He begs me to... Fucking hell.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 19:57

And of course it's not right either that people would laugh, make fun of or bully a young boy in a dress but it would be extremely naive to think this wouldn't happen, you can't control other people.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 19:58

You won't set them up for ridicule, but you'll let them feel like they're wrong for wanting to wear a dress? This is where transgender children come into it. The ones where they say they feel like a girl, just because they want to wear what a girl wears, it's all very sad.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 20:05

Where did I say I would let them feel it's wrong to want to wear a dress? They can wear what they like dressing up in the house but no I'm not setting them up in public. Young kids are innocent and don't understand how cruel other children and adults could be. Like other people have said I've only ever seen young boys dressing up, I've never seen a young boy in public wearing a dress. And I'm also not desperate to use my sons as a social experiment either.

NoMudNoLotus · 06/07/2016 20:08

Garlic it doesn't work like that.

LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 20:09

And what is sad is how vicious and horrible other people can be. My 14 year old DS used to go to dancing classes and no-one really cared amongst his friends, it was the girls there who wouldn't accept him and made him feel unwelcome. It's not right but as much as he loved dancing he was miserable.

Hereforthebeer · 06/07/2016 20:13

I do think gender stereotypes are confusing for children.

I"m sure we're more rigid in our approach to gender that when i grew up... I think in the first 5/6 years let them wear what they want.. If they want to wear a dress and you stop them, they might get confused and think they want to be the other sex - when all they want to do is wear a dress for 2 hours - then forget about the dress and put shorts back on... I think gender has just become so important the kids are starting to wonder about transgender, before they've even worked out what gender they are! Leave them to it. They'll be fine.

nokidshere · 06/07/2016 20:15

My dc (boys) have never gone without a top on the beach (and wouldn't if they were girls) teaching them sun safety is paramount and the only way is to cover up so the girl wearing a top wouldn't be an issue for me.

Children are very adaptable and resilient. I have taken my boys out dressed as Darth Vader, batman and robin and a whole host of other clothing but there are times when they have to dress appropriately and they are totally accepting of that even now as teens.

If your children are with you for 95% of their free time and being able to be totally themselves then a few hours with your mum and her old fashioned views is not going to do them any harm at all. I am frequently found telling my children to have a good time at grandmas but remember to take no notice of more than half the things that come out of her mouth.

You need to stop ranting and get on with teaching your children that there are many different people in this world with many different views, we don't have to agree with them ! And your sister is also allowed to bring up her children as she sees fit, as long as it's not abusive of course.

You need to calm diwn

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 20:19

Don't defend my sister.

Also, I don't see what the dressing up is classed as, is it only dresses like what dresses posted, of can it be a summers dress? What's the difference?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 06/07/2016 20:22

But surely your sisters right to parent her children as she sees fit should be defended as much as yours?

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 20:23

Not when she is as bad as she is.

OP posts:
BIWI · 06/07/2016 20:24

Boys in dresses. I don't like it. I don't get it. It feels very 'look how amazing and modern and 'gender neutral' I am!

And what's wrong with being gender neutral?

I know people would be judging him out side of the house.

Judging him for what? And how would he know anyway?

I just like my kids to roughly conform

Why? Why not encourage their individuality?

And of course it's not right either that people would laugh, make fun of or bully a young boy in a dress but it would be extremely naive to think this wouldn't happen, you can't control other people.

You think he would get bullied? Whilst out with his DM or DGM? How ridiculous!

And what is sad is how vicious and horrible other people can be. My 14 year old DS used to go to dancing classes and no-one really cared amongst his friends, it was the girls there who wouldn't accept him and made him feel unwelcome

Then surely we should all be challenging these views? Not going along with them on the shaky premise that we should all be conforming to 'normal'. And who gets to define 'normal' anyway?

Would this be the same 'normal' that says that LGBT people are 'perverts' by any chance?

PotteringAlong · 06/07/2016 20:28

Well, so far your only argument is that she agrees with your mum. There are many ways to parent. You want your mum to let you get on with it so you need to allow others to disagree with you and do the same.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 20:31

That's not my only argument, but I didn't particularly see why the way she does is relevant?

OP posts:
nokidshere · 06/07/2016 20:32

Well you need to tell us why she is so bad? Because if she just parents as your mum wants then that is her right. You don't get to say that your way is right and everyone else's is wrong.

nokidshere · 06/07/2016 20:33

It's relevant because you don't have the right to rubbish other people's parenting whilst moaning about someone doing that to you

PotteringAlong · 06/07/2016 20:34

It's relevant because you seem to hate your mums ideas but, as far as I can tell, you hate them because you hate your sister and she agrees with your mum. We're suggesting that maybe you're blowing this a tad out of proportion.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 20:35

Fine, her DD has anxiety and depression was referred by her school to CAMHS but because my sister doesn't believe in mental health she makes her get the bus there and do it all on her own. She's 16. It's not fair. To 'not believe in mental health' when your child is suffering, isn't fair.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 20:37

It's not ridiculous BIWI at all to say people would laugh, point and stare at a boy in a dress out in public, no matter if they were with their Granny or not. I don't make the "rules" and of course it's not right but as I said there are lots of ways to challenge issues, I'm not sending my boys out in dresses as one of them. And who says gay people are perverts?

AlienMama · 06/07/2016 20:38

I think the issue here is that your mum is not respectful of your choices. She's not hearing you. And she's implicitly comparing your kids to your sister's.

You have all reasons to be furious. I would be too.

Well done for allowing your kids to be free, whether that means wearing a dress, some shorts or whatever the hell they feel like wearing that day.

As someone above posted, this is about your mum's own sense of shame which she seems unable to manage.

Good luck with it all.

Booboostwo · 06/07/2016 20:38

YANBU. This is not just about what the DCs wear but about your DM trying to control you and emotionally blackmailing you. You don't just have a parenting disagreement, she is threatening not to see your DCs over it and bringing your sister's DCs into it, effectively setting you up to compete with your sister. I'd call her bluff, she doesn't want to see the kids? Her choice.

nokidshere · 06/07/2016 20:41

I know a 14 year old who's parent thinks that her cutting herself is "just a phase". Lots of people sadly are in the "pull your socks up and get on with it" camp when it comes to mental health.

Hopefully your neice can get support from somewhere other than her mum. A calm, sympathetic auntie maybe?

paramedicswift · 06/07/2016 20:48

I don't think it's fair on the child to encourage your child to crossdress to get at your mum.

I don't think children are old enough at that age to truly decide that they want to dress in woman's clothing and taking a child's words as truthful at a young age feels dangerous to me.

What if you accidentally make your child grow up confused?

You say he gets bored pretty quickly. If he keeps it up, then sure but I think you should allow it to develop naturally, if you give him pink shoes to wear, he will begin to think it is normal.

I think you should stick to social clothing and by the time he is like 10 or 11 I suspect it will either be out of his system or he will have latent desire to dress like a woman.

Stop trying to force it in attempt to be accepting I think it will do more harm than good. You should assume the default.

AlienMama · 06/07/2016 20:53

Quite shocked at how small minded and judgemental / shaming some of these replies are, tbh.

OP is clearly angry and hurt, and some tell her to "calm down" in such a patronising tone. Worse, I've seen suggestions to look into "anger management".... Bloody hell... I thought this platform was a place where we could let off steam when things became painful...

Op, I'm with you and I totally understand how upset you feel. Sounds like your mum's vision of the world is disappointing. And that's ok. Your mum is probably not horrible, she just is from a different generation with different views and values, and these clash with your own. Never an easy place to be. Take care.